A Day in the Life

2012-01-20T09:18:00.000-06:00

Day 20 of this diet and exercise routine/resolution and I am so proud to say that this has been a full on success! To my knowledge I've never set a resolution nor given much thought to sticking with something that I promised myself for the 'New Year' but I did it this year and I have stuck to it. They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit so here's to good habits!

Winter is here, and as much as I despise the bitter cold weather and grey skies, we have been 'blessed' this year with very few super cold days and NO winter weather as of yet. Typically I would rejoice however I only see this as a really scary sign from Mother Nature. Either there is a storm coming in February and March or Global Warming is just showing it's ugly head and though it is likely both, it scares the hell out of me. I truly love and value nature, even if I do not enjoy some of the things that come along with it, it is just part of what makes life so neat to experience. Like the roller coaster of life, so are the seasons. The winter is dull and sad only to lead us by the hand into beautiful spring and summer with sun and laughter. The thought of the affects that Global Warming has had on this planet are terrifying to me.

While watching Planet Earth last night, which by the way to me is like meditation and education mixed into one full hour of amazing footage, beautiful music and creatures that take my breath away. Last night was the Ocean, or part of it. While watching the segment about how a full on microscopic 'world' so to speak is thriving one moment from the very depths of the ocean, a shift in the earths plates can cause that small world to disappear in almost no time, taking from that particular world the energy and food (bacteria) that it was living on and transferring that energy to another part of the Ocean floor. How quickly that tiny world died. The scary part was when I started to compare our world to that of the the one on the Ocean floor. Our world seems so large to us, but in the scope of things we are but a speck in the mass universe of who knows how many other 'worlds' that we are unaware. Maybe the thought of how quickly our life forces could be taken away was really what scared me, but also how we treat our planet is heart breaking.

Like some kind of virus though, we have our share of horrible 'humans' too if they even deserve such a title. All species have a 'bad seed' but I saw one of ours on TV last night that really got under my skin. I dislike politics in general. No matter how hard I tried to study to find which 'party' I should belong too, the more I realized that neither Democratic OR Republican fit the bill for me. They both have good and bad aspects and seemingly the bad always outweigh the good. Then last night Randall Terry showed his scary face on the news and I sat there staring in disgust. I don't care what your views are on abortion, you stand by them if you believe one way or the other but this man is a lunatic! Not only had he switched from his long time stand of Republican to now be a Democrat because he is, and I quote 'on a mission to take votes from Obama' and wants to make abortion the number one issue in congress. WTF?? Really? of all things, Abortion should be our number one concern? Our damn country is swirling the drain and this man thinks putting images of dismembered babies on the Superbowl commercial is going to solve, what?? This is just one more reason I despise politics, politicians... I know without a government that no doubt we would rip one another up, it's proven time and time again with natural disasters. Instead of banning together to help one another we see people looting, killing one another in mass chaos. Why can't we take a lesson from the Japanese and HELP one another??? I love America and I love the freedoms we have here but it is people like this who make my skin crawl and anger boil. The last thing I need is my child to see torn up babies on national television. I am just disgusted!

to end this post on a much lighter note though it is FRIDAY, and for a short work week it has been awfully long week and I am so excited to get out of town with great friends this weekend and head to Eureka Springs, where a piece of my heart still dwells.

Wishing you all Peace and Love and for a very safe and happy Weekend-
Namaste!

Friday the 13th

2012-01-13T11:49:00.000-06:00

A week ago today I got horrible news about a person that played a larger roll in my life than most people probably knew. I realize it was the only way communication could be given to me at this point but finding out that a good friend shot himself in the head over a text message isn't really ideal. I haven't had that breathless feeling since my mom did the same thing 8 years ago.

Suicide is selfish. The ONLY time I believe it is OK to take your own life is when you are so ill you are dying... like my mother. I understood her reasoning and why she didn't want to die in a hospital bed hooked up to machines. For the life of me though, when I heard the news about my dear friend Ron it was as if I was hit by a bus, then ran over by a train, dragged by a horse then a fire was set in my heart and it felt as if I was literally in the middle of a heart attack.

Ron left behind a lot of people who loved him, children my age and a community who cherished the fact he was a part of it. Every week I talked to Ron a few times off and on but our main conversations took place on Sundays before, during and after the Cowboys games. Sharing a passion for the same team that year after year let us down was sort of an immediate ticket to friendship I guess. He lost his brother Dave last August to cancer, Dave was an amazing man too. He was so ill, it was almost a blessing when he finally passed to know that he was no longer suffering in the shell of a body that was the Dave I'd come to know & love. His mind vibrate and his body withering in pain and sickness it was hard to see. Ron didn't leave a note, nothing to explain to his children why or what was going on in his life. So the questions bouncing through every ones minds Tuesday at the memorial were obvious. It was like watching sad zombies file into church pews. Was it out of grief for missing his brother? Was it financial distress? WHAT was the reason for this horrible act of bullshit? I'm angry, for his kids... for myself... I'm fucking PISSED and sad and my heart hurts terribly.

I wish I could report that this year has really been awesome but the truth is I am having a really hard time finding the good and trust that I AM LOOKING! Day in and day out though, I go to work, I go home and clean, cook, do laundry etc etc etc... every day. I wouldn't mind if it were still just myself in the house and Jaida of course... but it's not. There are three of us in that house yet only one of us does anything and you know what, I feel like I am nothing other than the personal maid and chef for the people in my home. My Family... but isn't family supposed to join together, make a kind of 'team effort'? Maybe I am just too anal about stuff but you know what, I liked living alone. That way, whatever mess was there, I caused and I never had more than one load of laundry or dishes a week. Now, I do at least one a day. WTF?!?!

I am not a negative person. I never have been and don't plan to become one now... however right now, if i could crawl inside a cave and sleep for a month only to wake up to sun, spring and beauty around me that would be ideal... or a trip to the beach so I can sink my feet into the sand, listen to the power of the ocean waves and close my eyes face to the sun I would be in heaven... if only it were that easy.

I hope your lives are well and happy. Wishing you Peace and Love in the New Year
Namaste

Another Reason Jaida is so Awesome...

2012-01-05T14:44:00.000-06:00

She was even thinking of the Reindeer!

Ten Things I Love... and Why!

2012-01-05T14:23:00.000-06:00

This day started off with that 'annoying' feeling, you know the one... where everything and everyone gets on your nerves. I knew today was going to be a tough one I just didn't expect what became of it. One of my best friends found out her father has cancer, in his throat. One of my little sisters had to go into the hospital because her Lupus flared up. I want to take away their pain, I really would give my life to make all the bad things affecting the ones I loved just go away... but since I can't do that and I can't trade them places to make it all better.... I figure I need to take a happy pill, put on my zen radio and turn this annoyed emotional feeling I have and pure frustration into a positive thing so I can be the best I can be when they need me. So I'm posting my first LIST in several years:

Ten Things I Love the Most and Why:

1. Jaida May- My daughter, the extension of my soul. I could never in one lifetime explain all the reasons that I love her, the things that make her so wonderful or why, but I can give one that will at least help you understand what a special person she is: This morning on her way to school she told her father of how her teacher cried in class yesterday because her dog died, and my daughter began to cry too because she felt so deeply sad for Mrs. Ross. She has my emotions and it is a blessing and a curse, she makes me so proud to have such a beautiful heart.

2. My Boss- Because most people can't say that and I truly have one of the best. I am treated like a piece of shit by 90% of the people I work with and it hurts, a lot... but knowing I work for their boss, MY boss and he is a magnificent person and manager.... makes my job easier after co workers in an office three hours away send rude emails every chance they get, MY BOSS treats me with respect and in the end he's the only one who matters here.

3. Nature- I feel so at home when I am in Nature. Camping, Kayaking, strolling through the woods, listening to a river or the wind blowing through the trees. The rain, in the summer when it is still warm and touches your skin like a thousand tiny fingers. The Ocean, the power it projects and the energy it puts out. The Sun- The wonderful life it gives me and the warmth of it on my skin. The mountains the mysterious secrets they hold and the beauty they portray in such a hard cold world.

4. Friends- Because the ones that are TRUE, and I can count those on one hand, have been there to pick me up when I felt that I couldn't go on any longer. They hold me when I cry, or try to make me laugh, remind me of the past and prompt me towards the future. They offer their love and support and expect nothing back in return, they've stood by me through decisions, good and bad and held my hand when I needed the extra strength.

5. Animals- I can't imagine a life without them around me in all shapes and forms, it would be lonely and boring.

6. Music- I truly cannot live without music. When I write, like now, I listen to ZEN, or piano lyric less tones that create stories in my mind. I love all genres - it can set a mood no matter what mood it may be you aim for. I truly Cherish every form of music and listen to nearly all of it on a daily basis.

7. Family- The ones I stay in touch with, even the ones I've not talked to in far too long. The relationships that have withheld the test of time, the ones lost through Petty religious differences, the ones that live far away and the ones I hear from frequently. In some small way they've all formed me, who I am. I love them forever no matter the circumstances.

8. Laughing- I love to laugh, and make people laugh. It is one of the most wonderful sounds and feelings to truly laugh, from your gut, your soul and your heart. To smile can change someones entire day.

9. Life- because even though it's been a really tough one this far, it has had many many wonderful things in it. Tough times= lessons... good times= appreciation. I am truly thankful for my life and look forward to the rest of it, day by day, hour by hour the good and the bad. I hope to die as happy as my happiest day.

10. Lastly- Myself: Because without first loving yourself you aren't free to love others. Even through the dark hours of my life my love for others never went away, but my self worth went lifeless. I do love myself. I see a lot of great things that others may or may not see. I might be hard on myself but it's because i strive to be the best for those around me. I am strong when others need me and that is one of my greatest values. I am working on truly loving myself like I deserve but until then, I will continue building on the foundation already laid before me.

Until Next Post- Namaste my friends... wishing you all Peace & Love.

Bring It ON!

2012-01-04T11:14:00.000-06:00

Though my blogging has become less, even the book I have been so hell bent to finish writing set aside, I am not sure my issue is actually 'writers block' as much as it is just life getting in the way. It's funny, one minute you know yourself, inside and out and within weeks you are upside down trying to figure out how your head got so far up your own ass.

2011 was hard, but so was 2010... and I am making the decision right NOW that 2012 has no chance of being a bad year for me, I refuse to let it happen. In the past two years I have had to leave the one town, the one house I felt truly at home (Arkansas... Eureka Springs) The one place I felt like being me, and being different actually was accepted (no I am NOT gay, I just see the world WAY differently than people in the conventional world and there It was OK to speak it here in MO, not so much without someone telling you that you're going to hell for practicing Buddhism or saying that Jesus is just a man like Buddha, Not a god just a teacher and a great man... nothing more... that's how I feel!!! I'm NOT sorry!).... when I left, I came back to a place where everyone knows me, knew my parents, whisperer's about how my mom died, watched me grow up, blah blah blah and I had this heavy feeling that I couldn't be who I found out I really was. It isn't like I had anything to hide, I just worried too much HERE that people would judge me, daily. You know what, They have, and they will continue to do so, but the truth is they did it to me when I was in Eureka too. Why it took me 31 years to figure out that no matter where you go, how comfortable you feel there or happy you are, there will and have always been people who will judge you and do everything in their power to push you face down in the mud only to pull you back out just before you drown so they can see the fear on your face.

Fuck them, feed em beans, they're gassed up if they think they're stopping me! I'ma be what i set out to be :) Thanks Em for that little line :) *Eminem*

So anyways, it's a new year, another start to another new beginning. With the end of the world looming less than a year away (insert major sarcasm here) I figure it's time to make some REAL changes, get myself back on the track I was on WHEN I WAS IN THE HAPPIEST PLACE OF MY LIFE... just because I don't have that beautiful house anymore, or live in the one place I THOUGHT made me whole doesn't mean I am not. The Buddha teaches us that we are what we think.... and when shit slid downhill I let my thoughts take me there too. No more of that! I am climbing that hill again and not a damn thing will stand in my way!

I've started working out again, and realized how wonderful it feels to literally SEE the energy flow back into my body. I started meditating again, and connecting my mind to my body through both exercises and prayer have really made a difference. No big surprise I know, but it's a step forward out of a really dark place that I was in. It's scary to admit it when we are in that place. The one where we would rather sleep 12 hours of the day than face ANYONE, even our loved ones. The place where things that used to make us laugh, annoy us and the feelings we had towards things we once loved we turn into hate because we are too lazy or scared to FEEL it anymore. FUCK THAT! That's not who I am, That's not who I want to be! Sure, we all have shitty things happen to us in life, maybe some of us more than others but it's HOW we deal with it, i just have to keep reminding myself! The thing is, nobody else can do it for us, they can help... I can say, encouraging words have done wonders for me, compliments from people I had no idea gave a rats ass, those bring us a long ways but in the end it is ourselves who have to make the final step and say that is enough! Life might have won this battle (the past two years) but I'm going to fucking WIN this war and there is nothing that will stand in my way.

So here is to 2012- The beginning of greatness, the end of darkness and the discovery of the light once distinguished, it was always there... it was just barley glowing.

Peace and Love my Friends, may this new year be the one to bring you to new levels of life as well!

Namaste!

Screw it, Eat the Paper!

2011-10-11T14:43:00.000-05:00

The rain is still here today, yet somehow the sun is out in spurts, which makes me smile with hope. I literally live by the sun, this is why I truly believe in ancient astrological calendars, I am a Leo and ruled by the sun... well THAT is no shit!

Why is it when it rains it pours though, in life not nature.... Once one piece of shit hits the fan its like the rest of the shit decides to jump in turd first and really make a mess. I spent hours last night cleaning out my garage for the upcoming Halloween party I am having and afterwards decided I should make my famous apple pie, and well since I had the little 'homemaker' urge I thought why not some no bake cookies?

I'm a rather good cook, I don't often mess anything up, rarely use a recipe and yet the food I serve has people asking for more pretty much every meal. I set out with my music blaring in my ear, losing myself in slicing apples and preparing the crusts... proudly placed the pie in the oven and decided it was time to attack the no bake cookies, i mean, they ARE the easiest cookie to make (hence the no bake) and so tasty!

I went through every measure to be precise with the cookies, even softly melting the butter in the microwave, forgetting totally that I had used the microwaves timer to remind me to remove the pie. To my surprise i was about two cups of oats short for the recipe and as much as i like gooey chocolate things, i didn't think the family would enjoy eating sugary, runny chocolate as much as I do. I figured, compromise... that solves it all.... right?

I opened up the box of breakfast oatmeal, yes the flavored kind and began mixing them in one package at a time using the entire box and still they were too runny. CUPCAKE papers- so I filled each paper nicely with the mixture and let them stand on the counter, about which time I begin to realize something is not smelling quite right, and BAM... my damn pie! A bit DARK on the outer edges, I pulled it out to cool, setting it next to the 30 little cupcake papers i had filled with the gooey mixture that should have been no bake cookies. Needless to say, I went to bed in utter despair. It wasn't that I had failed at what I am good at per say, but that I failed yet again in one day.

I remember in school, for the yearbooks etc. You would always be asked "what is your greatest fear", well mine was and always will be Failure! I realize it is something we all face, no matter it big or small we all fail and succeed in many things throughout life, it's how you handle it that matters.

So, I got up this morning and decided to have some burnt pie with my coffee... it was good, besides I never the edges of pies anyways, so I made do. By lunch, I really wanted to try a no bake but sure enough they were still gooey, too gooey to eat without the cupcake paper, funny enough though they tasted just as good. Granted, I am pretty sure I ate some of that little yellow paper cup, but in the end it was still just as tasty, maybe more so with the paper :) I guess what I have learned today is, the sun doesn't ALWAYS shine, and for those of us who live to make others smile, make them happy, give and find happiness it isn't always going to be that way, there will be a day, a week or maybe even a month when nothing goes right..... so you just have to eat the paper to get the gooey goodness and go on about your day, burnt crust and all!

I found this picture in our little vacation folder that I thought really speaks volumes. If you ever need to feel loved, you should just look through pictures, comments on your blog, old poems you wrote to someone you loved or perhaps just ask someone if you have a boog and if they look for you and by chance your daughter catches that on camera... well that person must really love you huh?

Yes, yes that is us, drinking a nice cold beer waiting for the sea lion show.... and yes, my daughter is just like me... always getting the real 'life' moments on camera when nobody else is expecting it... Thank you Jaida...

Peace & Love

Waking up on Rainy Days

2011-10-10T12:01:00.000-05:00

Rain is refreshing, in most cases. Ideally I would be home in bed today, window open, ceiling fan on, bundled up in soft sheets with a warm comforter smothering me head to toe. Watching something on TV like '48 Hours Mystery' or in all actuality I would be sleeping the day away. I haven't taken a day to myself in a long time. Every hour or full day of work that I have missed has simply been for someone else.

I look back at the past ... trying to understand really. What happened? Since when had I become nothing of myself? I don't do anything for ME anymore, My thoughts literally circle family, and friends but at what point do you draw the line and just do what you WANT FOR YOU? I believe in making other people happy, in treating them with the same respect that I would wish to be treated with. I believe in loving as strongly and deeply as possible and always being kind, and loving all living beings. I still do, to an extent except today I sit in reflection trying to understand how it came to be that I get talked down to by loved ones and sit and take it, eyes to the floor tongue bitten in an attempt to quiet thoughts. I am no longer entitled to an opinion in life, about anything apparently without being cussed out and called names. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?

Trying to find the strength you once had isn't really easy at all, it takes time, support, and health on all levels and none of that I have time for. I don't know why I don't just make the time, maybe it's to the point I might not feel like I'm worth the time, or just so used to it now that it no longer matters. I DO KNOW though, that unless I find happiness in my own eyes again that I cannot continue to help others or make them happy, and truth be told I don't think I am too far gone.

Thank you Chuck, as always for your uplifting comments on my blog. Though I don't really know you, and have only read excerpts from your books, I hold you in the highest regard as a word smith. You take the most simple of words and create an emotion that as the reader, I feel deep within my soul. To have someone with your talent read my blog is uplifting in itself. So thank you!

Not much more to say today so I will leave you with a few shots from the family Vacation in St. Louis. I really miss my 35mm... TRUE color, TRUE art... NOT a fan of digital at all..... or the damn date stamp that I forgot to remove - they make for such tacky pictures! In Any case, I hope you can see past it... I am trying :) Peace and Love Ya'll!

This is in the STL City Museum- Used to be an old Bank, I found the vault intriguing.

This is simply a picture of glass reflecting a staircase... amazing to me!

Chocolate!

2011-10-10T09:51:00.000-05:00

Well I told you I would color my hair, what do you think???

Kanrocksas- Happy 31st

2011-10-06T14:14:00.001-05:00

Since I can remember, The Beatles have been my all time favorite Band and had I lived during the period they were together (John died the year I was born) I would have been one of the lunatic fans packed in a theatre shoulder to shoulder pushing, shoving and crying with excitement... because THAT is the NERD I am. So, since that couldn't happen, I attended Rockansas this year. FIRST EVER (going to be annual) Concert at the KC Speedway. Headliners......... EMINEM, MUSE, KID CUDI.... I was there for all of them. Waited for almost two hours to be as close as I could when the MAN himself came on stage... hands down, all other evens aside... THE best Birthday EVER.

We must not forget D-12, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, Tinie Tempah, and THE BLACK KEYS!!!

It's Been a Long Road Home

2011-10-06T13:26:00.002-05:00

It has been a long time since I have taken the time to sit and let my heart pour into the keyboard to create an emotional piece of interesting literature, in fact, I can't recall the last time my mind kept me awake to the point of explosion. Opening my laptop in the black of night, typing as fast as the words pour from my soul. I haven't felt it. I lost it.

I am willing to bet not one of my followers still check up on my site, and who could blame you really.... nothing new, what's the point. I've decided to change that! All be damned if I am going to let my brain dry up and blow away, so here goes... a kind of recap of the past few years.

In short, I had to file Bankruptcy and didn't plan to leave my dream home in my dream town, until I came home one day to a bloody scene on the wrap around deck of my house. A bear had attacked my dog Lily and sliced hear nearly limb for limb, leaving her alive... barley. She was put down that day. The next I packed everything i could fit in a moving van and left. I've never been back to that house. I turned 30 the day I moved into a tiny two bedroom apartment directly behind Wal-Mart back in Missouri. The one place I swore I would never live again, and here I was. Not only that but smack in the middle of TOWN. Every ounce of positive energy I had left drained with the coming weeks. I tried to stay up beat, but the days Jaida was with her father, I didn't leave my bed. I sank there, into a dark existence, back to the daily grind IN the office WITH all of the people who had previously made my life so miserable in the first place.

I began dating, off and on.. no true intentions of any kind with any of them truth be told. I think they call that dating for dinner. I did have my best friend back and the beautiful baby boy her and her husband brought into the world in October. He was the only man I needed in my life and he brought a smile to my face from the first moment I met him. The light started to come back, dim, but it was on at least. I didn't feel like a total shell of a human. I reconnected with a man I had loved dearly off and on throughout our lives, never having 'met' at the right time for either of us. From the moment he pulled into my driveway that night he didn't leave. It was the typical magical feeling of lost love returning, he'd even kept notes i'd written to him TEN years before! We began making plans for a future. Introduced one another to our children, spent every weekend and frankly every moment we could together. But, like all 'whirlwind' romances this too 'whirled' right out of control. It wasn't long before he became like every other man in my life... jealous.

It was my Face Book status that first called attention to his little green monster (jealously... LOL) then it was WHO I was friends with, keeping in mind people... I don't even USE Face Book I did, I don't have time or interest anymore... it's dormant. Anyways, as the months went on, his pessimistic attitude paired with his jealousy of every other human in my life, including my Ex.. Jaidas FATHER was enough. He gave me an 'ulitmatum' and I gave him the door.

Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship. I've always sort of thought that but it mainly stems from jealousy and that is one quality I cannot or will not put up with. All in all, I ended up back with baby daddy ON Jaida's birthday this year. It's been since May 28... We live together again, as a family. We aren't any different than we were before we were back together. I love him, I have always loved him. There will always be a couple people I love that, for whatever reason never worked out. Am I supposed to be married, no... because it doesn't matter to me anymore as long as the love is there. Am I madly in love and head over heels happy. No. If I said yes, I would be lying. Is it because of him, or anyone else in my life? NOPE, just me.... I am not happy, I am not sad, I just am and i really need to pull my head out of my ass and change all that.

I am comfortable, I feel safe. I can't be hurt where I am now. He knows me probably better than most. He understands I have a lot of friends, though I have not been a good friend the past year to any of them as I have been far to lost in this maze of self pity bullshit to notice anyone else. Admitting it is the hard part, right? So here I am. I hope I at least make him happy. He looks at me in total adoration and I cannot for the life of me figure out what makes him feel that way. Have I totally lost myself? I mean I've joked about having a stone for a heart but is it true? I have so much love, I really do, I think I've forgotten how to use it, and THAT scares me.

So, here I am. 31 and single. Living with my ex husband and my daughter who turned seven this year. I always thought my relationship with my mother was out of the ordinary, now I KNOW it was. All of the fun times and laughs I had with my mom were only hindered by a few years of youthful rebellion, even that didn't start until around the time I got my licence. My daughter is seven, she is already hateful and disrespectful to me. I am the ONLY one who disciplines her, therefore the one she wants to disregard at the drop of a "I said NO".
Again, here I am.... remember that girl that used to glisten in the sun, giggle with the wind and brightetn your day with some kind of positive comment? Neither do I but I'm back to find her again and this time I hope she sticks around.

Being a mother isn't easy, a single mother is worse. I'm not single anymore, I have help again and that is great. I am loved, I see that in his eyes every day and THAT reminds me that there MUST be something in here to cause it. My child is an asshole, like most children, but to everyone but me she is great. She is caring, kind, compassionate and giving. She is everything I was and that means I've done something right and can only continue being a mother because right now that is ALL that I am. I am still at the same place of employment, still plugging along begging to use my creative imagination and ready to jump at the first opporuntiy. I'm still taking care of my dad (step dad) whos memory is as clear as frosted glass, but it's what you do when your parents decline, you care for them like they did you. You shut up and listen to the same story over and over and over and over and over again. You manage their bank account, medication and Dr. appts.

I am still here, with no mother, still missing her after over 8 years of her being gone. I'm still here... In Missouri, now, back in the same house that I literally grew up in. After a remodel from a disgusting renter (who lets their dogs piss and shit in every fucking house they own???) Great person, slob of a creature is all I can say, but the house is in great shape now, clean beautiful and full of life.

Here I am. I have a new dog. Her name is JUNO. She is the pure bred sister of Lily. The one killed by the bear. Only she is not a mix, she is a pure bred white German Shepherd. She is 5 months old, around 60 lbs and all puppy. She is beautiful.

This is Juno at 3 Months.

and then one of the worst blows to my heart happened the DAY of the 8th Anniversary of my mothers death. July 17, 2011 I always have a gathering, a float trip, camping trip or something. This year I had a BBQ and invited all of my closest friends. It was a good time, a wonderful celebration of life. That night my favorite little buddy Sammy got out of the fenced in yard. Since the day we brought Juno home he acted upset and would scamper accross the street at any given moment ( to get away from her?) That night he disappeared. Most everyone was gone home by then and I was cleaning up calling for Skamps (he has a million nick names) I walked around towards the front of the house when the look on Briannes face told me everything. She stepped in front of me and said 'dont go out there' and I KNEW. I ran to the road and there he was, lying next to her truck in the road. Some piece of shit asshole hit my baby and didn't have the ball sack to stop and tell anyone, granted, I would have broken their nose but at the same time... it's courtisy. I've done it, it's not something that anyone WANTS to do, it is what you do when you mistakenly hit someones pet.

I sat in the road and picked him up. He was still warm, eyes open, not a drop of blood. I believe his neck was broken. I believe he died immediatly. I cried harder that night than I had in 8 years.

I love you Sammy! (Aka Scamps, skank, skipity, skips)

So... here I am. Starting all over again. Trying to get myself back. I wake up the light I KNOW I have. To be the 'sunshine' that I once was to everyone around me. They deserve it, I deserve it. I'm ready for the rest of my life. I think I am going to dye my hair dark brown tomorrow... that might be a good start :)

Peace & Love

My Life, the Empty Bottle

2011-10-06T12:23:00.000-05:00

Awakening: A book I am Creating from my soul

2011-01-31T14:51:00.001-06:00

I opened my eyes slowly, unsure of the sound that I heard. It was early, or late … in whatever sense you chose to call it, it was 3:47AM. Suddenly the sound came again, only louder this time. I sat up to see a shadow standing at my bedroom doors. They are glass, and behind the dark figure I see the bright light of the moon echoing off of the freshly fallen snow.

I pulled the blankets back slowly and leaned towards my feet, searching for the floor with my toes. My eyes never left the dark outline of the figure as my feet softly touched the cool wooden floors beneath me. I knew who it was. I could feel him. The second I saw the shadowy figure at my bedroom door, I knew exactly who it was. I could still see just his outline. The snow, lighting up the trees behind him in the distance. I unlocked the sliding glass door wondering if this was real, knowing it was him.

As I pushed the door back I could smell him instantly mixed with the brisk winter air that brushed against my face. Like a whirlwind I was in his arms and intertwined as if no time had passed. We didn’t speak. He pulled me back, only enough to grab my face as he had always done, and bring my face towards his. Even in the dark I could see his eyes. Blue like the most perfect summer day. Pressing his soft lips against mine, holding me there, capturing me with his gaze. I couldn’t help but rush my fingers through his hair, it was what he used to call it when it was ‘long’ to him… just enough that a small curl would form at the base of his hairline in the back side. It was the same; the fine, soft hair twisted and retreated through my fingers like water through sand. He pulled me up, hugging me tightly as if it had been an eternity since we last touched, and it had.

Standing still in embrace, my hands in his hair, my cheek against his neck and my face tucked slightly to his shoulder, I felt safe again, home, perfect………

I felt his heart beat as if it were my own our breaths were nearly in sync as we held one another silently in the dark shadows of the snowy morning. Not a word was exchanged, only our breaths… in and out. Deeply breathing in the scent I’d once known so well.

The excitement of his presence must have caused a time lapse because the next thing I knew we were slowly moving over the bed, sliding into place like two puzzle pieces. It was nothing of perversion, sexual lust or anything of the sort. It was a passion, a yearning, a dying need being fed…it felt right, it felt natural…. It was. And there we laid, tangled and wrapped around one another just breathing I felt a tear drop on my neck……………and there I lay, crying in my sleep. The clock says 7:32 AM.

I brushed the wetness from my neck, it was my tear… I looked next to me, expecting to see him, feel him still here, warm next to me like it was supposed to be, like it was just a moment ago. He was gone. I could still smell him….feel him. My heart raced. I sat directly up looking immediately at the door, the snow still lit up the ground around the naked winter trees and there was still snow on the deck outside of the door. Instinct caused me to look for them. The footprints, the proof. The real true sign that he was there, that this was real that he was there with me but the snow was untouched, perfect and soft in its silent existence. It was a dream. He was no more. He had been gone forever now. Maybe he wasn’t really ever there to start with, but he was the most realistic definition of love that my mind could ever wrap it’s self around.

*Comment my Friends, let me know what you think................... I have my book coming together quickly and love your feedback- chuck Dilmore... you still out there??? You're the Author- love to hear from you. Hugs my friends, hope all is well.

Life or Death

2011-01-31T14:39:00.000-06:00

If I were to die today

the world would continue to shine.
My clouds feel so dark and grey
because you never were mine.

If sadness keeps my heart chains locked
And all of the smiles fake,
the love I feel inside my heart
will do nothing but further the ache.

Feelings of loss and lonliness
Take over my daily life
Wondering how I can continue this way
Makes me feel nothing but strife.

I love my daughter to the trust of true
And my father the one who cares
The rest of the world just uses my heart
To relieve the burden of theirs.

Thoughts of death make me smile
To see her face again
Thinking of things left behind
Material is all that they’ve been

If I knew that she would be fine without me
Or continue her life without hate in her heart
Then I would leave this earth today to see….
The unseen most beautiful part.

I’ve never felt as alone before
As I do sitting here today
I wonder how long a girl can go
Living her life this way?

Alone By The River

2011-01-31T14:32:00.003-06:00

Sitting all alone

On a log beside the river

I saw your face beside me,

My heart began to quiver.

Your eyes like glowing embers

Full of something, I just don’t know.

What the future holds? … it might be.

Yet, so afraid to show.

The water runs so freely

Like the feelings trapped inside.

I wish that it could be me,

for right now, it has to hide.

So until the sunsets,

on a day we can see the truth.

You will be right there beside me,

until I give you proof.

By Bambi Hill

Alone By The River

2011-01-31T14:31:00.003-06:00

A Memory Lost in Time

2011-01-31T14:17:00.002-06:00

Occasionally out of the blue, a song will come on the radio, or shuffle on your iPod that seemingly catches you off track. It immediately puts a smile on your face, takes you back 15 years in an instant. To a place you knew and still know as one of the happiest times of your life. You close your eyes for a moment, standing face to the sun and let the memory sweep you off your feet, back in time, to that very moment.

I sit here, eyes closed and I can smell sandalwood incense mixed with the rush of ‘Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door’ Perfume. The beat starts slow…. “la la la la, la……” just acoustic Guitar and the soft sweet voice of Cat Stevens breaks in….. “Now that I’ve lost everything to you, you say you want to start something new……….” I hear her voice chime in as she enters from the other room in my minds’ eye I see it as if it were right now, feel the positive happy energy of a home created with love and smiles, happiness and a lot of sweat and tears.

She’s standing in the kitchen, the sunlight bouncing off of her bright blonde hair as if she were coming out of the sun itself. “Ohhh baby baby it’s a wild world” she grabs my hand and twirls me around “it’s hard to get by, just upon a smile”. Her eyes so bright when she looks at me I can’t help but laugh and then twirl her as she did me. As we dance, there in the spring afternoon… the windows open letting in the cool crisp air, it swirls in with the scent of her perfume and incense making a permanent mark in my heart, my mind and most importantly my soul.

“You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do”, she sings softly holding her hand across her heart with a look of intensity in her eyes. She always sang this song to me it wasn’t just a song for us, it was her message… through the art of a man so many didn’t understand directly to me, yet I wouldn’t realize that until she was gone…. “and it’s breaking my heart in two, cause I never want to see you sad girl…. Don’t be a bad girl!”…. “If you wanna leave take good care, hope you make a lot of nice friends out there, just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware!.... ooh baby baby it’s a wild world……it’s hard to get by just upon a smile. Oh baby baby it’s a wild world and I’ll always remember you like a child girl (la la la mixed with piano) BABY I LOVE YOU!” (we would sing as loudly as possible)

By this time we are moving around the room like I used to imagine hippies did at Woodstock, eyes closed holding hands, swaying back and forth singing softly to one another dancing in and out of the smoky rays of sun coming through the windows with the bright spring colors following, as if they had joined our soul dance.

“I’ll always remember you, like a child girl……………. “ the song faded away just as softly as it had begun. Opening my eyes, I realize I’m not there, in that house with my mom, but for a minute I was. A small tear forms in the corner of my eye. Wiping it away and breathing in, sitting up straight in my chair, a tear falls involuntarily before I can catch it with my aged fingers, the fingers that are starting to look like hers, but with finger nails. I smile glancing inconspicuously into the reflection of the picture of her and I, checking to be sure my makeup wasn’t smeared where the small drop of emotion had escaped. It’s all good. I got to be 15 again, even if just for a moment, even if just in a day dream, a memory, She was here with me, memory or not I can still smell her and I can’t help but smile. I hear her in my voice sometimes, I see her reflection as I walk past a mirror. I try to avoid it mostly, it’s the only thing that makes the day bearable sometimes … just knowing that a huge part of me is just like her, it makes it easy not to miss her as much.

There is a little brown eyed girl sitting in school right now, she has her daddy’s eyes and nose, but her mommy’s smile and the same spark that runs in the eye of every woman in our family. It’s a fire. It burns deep, it’s strong. It’s what gets us through the tough days and lights us up on the great ones. It’s the god within us, there passed down from generation to generation to remind us when we do catch that glimpse, that spark, that fire………. To hold our head up, smile and keep on dancing!

It Is The Small Things That I Love The Most

2010-09-09T18:17:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen something so beautiful it literally made you stop breathing for a moment? Something SO captivating you found yourself in a completely different world in utter amazement?

I am by no means an insect lover, they all have their place as do I and being in love with the outdoors makes them a big part of my life, but there are a few small creatures that I don't mind to have land on me while floating down the river, or sitting among the trees. Butterflies and Dragonflies. They don't take anything from you, cause itching or swelling because of their vicious little bite, suck your blood or infest your garden. They, to me, seem to give more than they receive in multiple ways, however the one I most appreciate is the soft silence they offer, the intense color they portray and the seemingly effortless flight that keeps them just on top of the water without touching or landing as if they are not even there.

I saw a dragonfly today that I have never seen before. I do see a lot of dragonflys- i spend a lot of time around the water and therefore enjoy these creatures quite often and marvel at their existence. This particular day though has been one of indescribable anguish, pain, sadness, and pure frustration that even the rain isn't washing away.

I have to admit that while questioning so much of the universal existence of sociology I would rather stare at a bug on any given day!

Like a helicopter, which I am positive I was told (or I made it up and believed it to be true) was actually designed from the dragonfly originally due to it's mobility.....the dragon fly has huge eyes, or...a million tiny eyes making up one, it is the larger part of this insect. I have a problem even calling them insects they are THAT pretty to me. This one though, bright green eyes with blue dots, a very long body tapered at the end it slowly transformed from a florescent green at the neck, to the most beautiful teal, blue and then nearly purple tip of it's tail. In my life I've never seen one those colors. It hovered there, directly in my face then moving away to the side and returning back only feet from my face as if it were peering back at me in the same "is this real" moment.

Mentally dancing with a dragonfly- I have officially become a dreamer beyond my wildest imagination!

I hope this crisp, damn and rather monotone gloomy looking day be warm, happy and beautiful through your window! Cheers.

The Changing of the Seasons Approaches

2010-09-08T22:50:00.000-05:00

Someone recently opened my eyes to the morning 'blue', the moment just before the sun comes up when the sky is a deep color of blue that seems different than any other color of blue I have yet to see. It doesn't last very long, if you're not really looking, you will miss it in a blink. Tonight, the sky is black. The clouds, moving swiftly to the north are lite up bright white from the city lights just out of my site. Watching them gives me the rush of emotion similar to that of brush strokes on canvas or watching an artist in their trade put their heart and soul into a masterpiece.

To the south, the storm lights up with a fierce rumble, enough to cause chills down my spine and the mixture of warm and cool dance around one another almost blissfully. Fall is here here again.... the morning chill and soft dew, sultry afternoons of humidity followed by thunderstorms that urge you to stay in bed, comfortable and relaxed.

This is is one of my favorite seasons... honestly the only one I don't particularly like is Winter, alas... here I am trying to prepare myself emotionally for the coming days of drab grey skies and layer upon layer of clothing. I don't like the constraints of winter. NO sitting in the sun with your eyes closed absorbing the energy of the heat or the smell of wild flowers on back roads...only crisp fresh air that even though feels nice, in turns burns my chest almost to the point of irritability. Another constraint..limited outdoor activity - some of them. Nothing makes me feel more in tune with nature than a good hike on a sunny cool day in mid winter just after a snow when the sun reflection makes the day seem warmer and more welcoming- these are the days I find myself captured inside the lens of a camera miles away from reality and loving every minute of it. I can only hope time allows some much over due connection with the essence of nature that I so miss.

The rain is here- softly whispering through the trees as the leaves begin to show signs of the first color change. It always begins at the tip of the leaves as a bright yellow... signs of the true color soon to come.

To all my readers who I have lost touch with (sadly i lost a few followers) I apologize for my absence and hope to share the changing of the season with you as i have for the past two years - Cheers my friends.

The Wonderful Weddings

2010-08-18T23:37:00.000-05:00

After a long not-so-vacation and so many changes that you'll never even expect... i'll save the present for later and start with the past. The past that should have been posted directly after the events........ but alas......... here we are:

First up: Nikie- We've been great friends for as long as I can remember, she made a beautiful bride

Here she is with her Sister Jamie and new Husband Alan:

Merrie made a beautiful Preggers Brides maid

Somehow I never got a picture of Amanda, but she was a beautiful bridesmaid as well- Wish i had a picture for you

Brianne, Annie and I enjoying the Festivities

NEXT UP: Annie Marie

THE most beautiful and alternative bride EVER! I had the pleasure to be involved in her wedding and let me tell you, it was not only a pleasure but memories I will hold close to my heart forever

TOLD ya so- she was gorgeous

The Happy Couple- My new Brother Matt they fit together like a bright, silly, happy puzzle

A quick shot of me and Jaida- Jenni (Annie's cousin) is such a doll. She took a great picture of us! What a jewel she's grown up to be! I hope my daughter turns out as sweet as she is at 16- God knows none of us were 'sweet' at that age :)

This picture couldn't be more perfect. Nikie, Jamie, Erin, Tara,Amanda, Myself, Mary, Merrie and Brianne hiding in the back- one of my favorites!

So.... sadly this is it......... all i have for now. Hopefully the brides will update me with new pics, maybe some group pics... hell Sarah isn't even in these... in fact i dont think I have one of all of us......... anyways i'm half asleep, i'll update more later. Much love my friends. xox

Cowboy Season Has Began

2010-08-16T23:56:00.000-05:00

Thank heavens for Football

The one glimpse of Miles Austin............... :( my day will come LOL

Me outside the new stadium- PreSeason Cowboys V Raiders

Me and Annie Loving the Game Day

Maggie, Ann, and myself

One Bad ASS Stadium, high priced everything, and full of excitement More to come........

last but not least, me directly after my 30th birthday at the fair with the one person on earth who means the world to me:

From the Archives.... enjoy

2010-08-16T23:36:00.001-05:00

I am so sorry its been so long since i've posted anything new. Captain Keys- just another liar in the world of lies. here is a post i wrote for you ages ago.... hope it still applies :) so much can change in a month.

I watched an interesting movie last night. It is called “The Lovely Bones”. I was under the assumption from reading about the movie that it was about a murder (and it was) of a 14 year old girl as she watched from above as her father faught to bring her killer to justice (Mark Walberg… giddyup!) The movie started out showing the life of the family a mother, father, two daughters and a son. After the girl dies the creativity of the life after death experience is just amazing, it is, everything I would hope the ‘between’ would be and actually fit quite well the curiosity I hold for those I, myself have lost. The movie itself was disappointing, but just like real life, a lot of things never end as you had hoped they would. All in all it wasn’t the best movie I’ve seen, nor the worst and highly creative yet leaving blanks for you to fill in yourself holes in the storyline you could say. In any case, when you’ve lost someone in your life and you watch a movie like this, you tend to find your mind wandering around asking questions like ‘I wonder if this is what they felt’ etc… there is one quote that really hit me hard and was probably one of the hardest things to hold back tears- when at the end, the little girl who walks you through the movie and her murder finally ‘crosses over’ or goes ‘to heaven’ and she says “Nobody notices when we leave. I mean, the moment when we really choose to go. At best you might feel, a whisper or the wave of a whisper, undulating down. My name is Salmon, like the fish. First name: Susie. I was 14 years old, when I was murdered on December 6th 1973. I was here for a moment, and then I was gone. I wish you all, a long, and happy life.”

I remember odd things happening after my mom died, things that literally made me believe she was still here, trying to let us know she could hear us talking about her etc. Like her crystals flying off a hook hanging on the window in the kitchen, they didn’t just fall, they flew horizontally across the room hit the wall and bounced back, landing on the table before us as we were talking about her. I saw her several times in a near sleep state. She told me several things that ended up coming true mysteriously, like warnings you might say. Losing your mother is hard at any age, but three weeks before your 23rd birthday, right after you finally became friends? It sucks! I haven’t seen my mom in my dreams even or had any odd ‘happenings’ in years. Sometimes, my friends tell me of seeing her in their dreams and I get sad…… because why not me? The dreams, when I do have them are always the same, horrifying dream, not pleasant anymore if I do see her. This line… this particular quote hit me so hard last night- I wonder- when did she finally pass over? I know she’s moved on now, as I don’t feel her with me anymore unless I really focus on her and then it’s only in my heart and memory (which fades slowly with each passing year) but the memory, is really all that is left of her on this earth. I truly believe her soul has gone to rest, or in my belief, has been reborn and will continue to be reborn until she finds enlightenment on in the physical world with her spiritual self. I wonder, when WAS that whisper- because in my heart and mind this is exactly how it works. They stay, confused if they are alive or dead (maybe not all of them) some stay for a long time unable to let go of the life they left behind, some to sooth the family until they feel comfortable passing and others, maybe go immediately because they knew their time here was done. In any case, whatever you believe, whatever you might think happens in the time following your death…….. I wonder when my mom finally left? I wonder how long it will take before the memories become so faded I will have to look at a picture to always remember her face?

I find death fascinating- I always have in a way I suppose…. But once she died I became nearly obsessed with death, the afterlife, spirituality and not really religion but the beyond, what is after this life, what god intends and how he forms us on earth to be the people we become… mistakes he watches us make only to help us fix them in the end. when I get bored I read about death (www.findadeath.com) is one fascinating site! Inside look by a very interesting man ‘Michael Scott’ on the death of many of out dearly departed famous people- Recently I read that the new hearththrob Robert Pattenson believes he will die young or before a certain age. I’ve never heard anyone else openly state that before but I must admit, I feel the same way. I will be thoroughly surprised if I see the age of 40- if I do, so be it… I’ll be making the best of this life in this shell as long as I can; however since I was young I never thought I’d live an entire life and still to this day only two months from my 30th birthday, I am ok with it if I did die today. Granted, I would miss my daughter no doubt! My friends, my life- but I’m not afraid of what comes after this. I know who I’ve been in this life, I know the good I’ve done and the wrong I’ve done and in my heart I can honestly tell you I know I’ve done more good in this life than bad and I believe my afterlife, or next life will be that much better just because of who I’ve become in this one. So in any case, with the 7th anniversary of her death quickly approaching, I start to feel it in my body physically. I know it must sound crazy but the first of July every year since her passing has been a physically fucked up time. And until the DAY of the 17th, each day it gets closer, I feel more and more pain, more and more sadness and yet still a glimmer of happiness that she’s happy, where she needs to be… starting all over again with a clean slate.

Whatever your beliefs in this life may you find happiness, peace and love in every day you wake up. Find the silver lining around the damn storm clouds that seem to roll in at specific times of our lives. Seek peace within yourself, find peace with your maker and the surrounding world we live in. Forgive people as often as you can and waste no energy holding a grudge or hatred. Why not spend what time we have on this earth loving, smiling and making the world a better place in any way we can, even if it is just a smile to a person who otherwise would scowel at you and the rest of the world.

There is too much on this earth to smile about, even with the horrible things going on around us. No matter what the situation!!! There is always sunshine after the rain!!!!!! If you’re lucky you get to be directly under the rainbow! Peace!

Have you met Captain Keys?

2010-06-08T18:51:00.000-05:00

Well, stay tuned because you're about too!

LOVE.... or whatnot

2010-06-08T18:47:00.000-05:00

L.O.V.E.- everyone has their own definition of it. To some, there is ONE and only TRUE love. The one your heart searches for from birth. The one that fits you so perfectly in every way that you’ll know the second you make eye contact. Your heart flutters and keeps fluttering for weeks, months and years into a happy marriage and full life together. For others, You go through a trial and error. You love many, some more than others, some not as much as they loved you and finally finding someone that fits better than the ones before and the moment that takes your breath away you realize they were there the whole time. There is of course the reality of it for the rest of us, we do meet and encounter many people in a lifetime. We love many as well. If I sat and wrote out the few people I can honest tell you I LOVED (in a relationship stand point) I could only list in all honesty two that I would no doubt spend my life with, and yet somehow even those haven’t worked out for various reasons and my heart seems to believe that someday it will, but then again, reality sets in occasionally and I realize. And in the end only time will tell.

It is wedding season, and an exciting one at that. Two of my longest, closest friends will be married by the end of this month and it really brings a smile to my face. Maybe not all great loves have categories, because again, by definition we all have a different belife in nearly everything when you get down to the bare bones of it. You can take two people from the same religion, same church same subject and have two totally different opinions at the end of the day. SO with that said, I guess the purpose of this little rant today is that it truly is amazing how the human mind works. The heart, the soul, the mind, body and even spirit when it comes to affairs of the heart… love, sadness, joy, SOUL in general. Do we have a true soul mate? Sometimes I think we have several, each one in a different period of our lives, they come, make their mark and some stay for ages, some go as quickly as they came leaving us with at least a flicker of their character emplanted on ourselves.

The realization that everything happens for a reason seems to be coming more and more clear as I get older. Granted, I’m clawing my way to 30- so I’m of course in the back of my head thinking ‘well, it’s that time of my life……. Time where naturally, no matter how ‘grown up’ and ‘responsible’ you became in your 20’s, it’s like hearing the number 30 brings a sense of urgency to the ‘REST of your LIFE’. NOT by any means am I admitting to this as being old, I find my age and my place in life rather busy, hectic, and yet satisfying no matter how many obsticales come and go. I honestly look forward to the next cross road to see what lies around the corner, it excites me!

My daughter just turned six. Not that any of her past birthdays have been less gratifying, but this year, well…. It was like I AGED. I couldn’t stand there and look at this beautiful brown eyed girl so tall and slender and compare her to the tiny 5lb 15oz baby I brought home six years ago. She is truly amazing in so many ways. I stop some days in a jaw dropping realization that she’s becoming a girl, in a few years a woman and only God knows what lies around the corner for her, all I can do is stand back and watch, trying to steer her in the right direction knowing in the back of my mind, in my heart that she will become the person SHE is meant to become, only molded by life on her way. I’m thankful she’s had such a great, padded and happy life so far, and as a parent only hope this continues where for a lot of us end up with tragic shit forming us in different directions or causing reactions that echo for the rest of our lives. Life is an interesting cycle if you really sit back and look at this moment, right now………… Makes me smile really… the unknowing and the possibilities!

So… LOVE or the definition of can be so many things! The love we feel for those close to us, our friends, family. The love we felt or still feel in some way or form for those who have come and gone in our lives even the ones still here, in and out once in a while – in the end of the day, it is a nice feeling, LOVE to look at those in your life and around you that bring great things, happy thoughts, positive emotion and smiles that define love really……….. it’s all around. So why do we feel so lonely in comparison to those who have the ones they ‘love’ next to them in the morning when they wake up? Why so lonely when we sit and watch the sunset alone. We shouldn’t, not in reality… love is what we make of it. Not what we force it to be! Peace- Love to you all! Cheers!

The Merry Month of May

2010-05-04T15:46:00.000-05:00

If you were here, standing before me…….. I am no longer sure what I would say to you. These days, of celebration no longer feel worth a party to me, yet I try to continue the way you would have. I try more and more these days to remember the special event for my friends, and what family I have left. I sport a smile, never a gift because I never have money for it anymore. I pretend I’m not thinking of you with celebration and yet still all these years later it still sneaks up on me slowly……. Painfully.

May 1- brings such beauty as every spring, it just feels so much more ALIVE outside on the first of may.

May 2- The dream happens again and again and all I can do is take sleeping pills hoping that with those and meditation the dream wont come but it does.

May 3- I remember seven years ago watching you work on the finishing touches of the farm house, the new siding was glowing white, and it looked beautiful, only a few more panels to be put on. My heart starts to ache as if a mix of anxiety and pain try to attack the now frozen muscle hidden in my chest. We took family pictures that day. The first grandchild you had from your only daughter was growing inside of me and none of us knew. You looked terrible, you were so sick.

May 4- I was working, Adam was with you and papa. You guys had worked all day to finish the house. I was excited to see it! Adam and I lived in Monett and the storms were all over the radio but the sky was clear as we stood out in the driveway grilling steaks watching the darkness move over the north joking about how beautiful it was at our house when the sirens went off. We jumped in the car and took off towards Pierce City when my cell phone rang. It was you, telling us not to come over as planned because the house was shredded and the farm gone. It was the last cell phone conversation anyone in that area would have for a while, I’m still not sure how you got through to me. Against your wishes we tried to get to you….finally parking at the catholic cemetery. I remember the red old navy flip flops I had on slapping against my feet as I ran as fast as I could jumping over fallen trees and live powerlines. Tears running down my face not knowing what I would find when I got to you. When I first saw our town, my home town, the place I urged so much to be away from gone my heart broke and I ran faster. The distruction was horrific. It was probably only a two mile run from our car to your house but when I reached the driveway I couldn’t tell which end was up. The horses were bleeding, the dogs had debris in their hair. You were walking circles while papa made make shift pens for the horses. I stepped on a nail as I ran towards you with my arms reached out, you yelled at me in anger, and fear then we hugged. Looking around at the land that just hours before was pristine and clean, clear and beautiful the house almost new looking now broken down, shattered and filled with glass and insulation. It was the small closet/bathroom that saved you and papa. We were all in shock. That night each of us carried an animal- having to leave the horses of course, as we took our walk into town to check on the other house. I remember thinking to myself ‘this must be what an LA riot looked like back in the 70’s) with the helicopters, spot lights, powerlines snapping in the streets and emergency vehichles everywhere. I don’t remember any sounds, only helicopters echoing through my head. As we walked past the armory we all stood in horror as the building that once was the ‘safe house’ for storms had collapsed on many from our town, and rescue workers were digging to get people out. The building that once stood as a tall fortrice type building now nothing but a pile of bricks and frantic faces.

We arrived at the house on Locust and to our amazement it was unscathed except for one broken window. HOW? When just two blocks down was the worst of the devastation, how did it miss this house? We went in and that is where we stayed, you, me, papa, Adam and the animals……. In the light of a carosine lamp trying to figure out where to go next, trying to joke about the follow day and it’s meaning. Wondering to myself, how I would play the Beatles song with no electric

May 5- Happy Birthday Mom! You turned 47. The day after that tornado literally torn so many lives apart, it was the unhappiest birthday you’d ever had. It was the beginning of the end of the celebration of birthdays all around. May 5 2003- marks the last day I ever cared about a birthday.

A week later we told you we were pregnant, Adam and I. I wasn’t supposed to have children, it felt surreal, it was a great feeling. You were so happy you bragged to your friends.

Happy Grandparents

May 24th- I had a miscarriage. You blamed it on the tornado. I was between six and seven weeks along. It was five am. I had been up off and on all night with cramps, knowing what was coming b/c of my hcg levels. Adam held me all night, he was still asleep when it happened. I did what the doctor said, I picked my child up and sat in the bathroom on the floor in tears and blood. You were the first person I called. What light the pregnancy had brought back to you after your sickness, and the distruction of that tornado went away that day. We cried so hard together, it was your first grand baby, one you would have met before your death that was staring us all in the face anyways. Your frail face held tears until they were streaming so quickly it was as if a dam had busted. That was the day you lost hope.

Jaida at age two - Your angel in the background

However, years have come and passed. As you know Jaida May Worm was born almost exactly a year from the date we lost the first baby. I know it was your gift to me for leaving me just weeks before my own birthday. I know you, and adams dad and God sat and had a meeting, making a decision that would forever reflect both of you when we look into her eyes. She has your spirit, and your heart. She has his bravery and strength. The rest she got from Adam and I but we know every day where she really came from and so even though her birthday is really and truly the only one I celebrate with true happy tears in my eyes, a real smile on my face and hope in my heart. Tomorrow is your birthday Mom, you would be 54 tomorrow. I could crack jokes at your age and pluck grey hairs. I could cook your favorite German Chocolate cake and sing you happy birthday. Jaida would have a card for you, hand written and colored with such care. And so, we will. That is the plan. I’ll see you tomorrow mom. Jaida has flowers she wants to plant on your island, next to your angel that protect your ashes. I will make the cake and papa will oversee the operation. We will have a glasss of wine, or maybe a whole bottle, and I’ll be sure to leave some for you. Jaida asked me the other day if she can leave a piece of cake on your bench so if you got hungry that night you could come eat it (like santa claus). So when you see the single slice of cake at sundown, it’s for you. I’ll be sure to only put one candle on it, so we don’t burn the house down with the what would have been 54 of them. I miss you. I love you. Happy birthday.

Elements of Life

2010-04-01T17:34:00.000-05:00

It’s truly amazing to me how quickly our seasons come and go. From brisk air and grey skies, to crisp clean air with a soft warmth to it and blue sunny skies. As all seasons change so do we. Last night I did a kempo work out, followed by meditation and then a long bath. I had opened the windows to my room so the air was whipping the lavender scent of the burning oil around the room as if it were dancing back and fourth. Candles lit, zen music on I stepped slowly into the steaming hot water. I realize, or start to write things in my head the moment I feel the emotion, sometimes not able to put a finger on the emotion I can only describe it like it went through my minds eye:

Tuesday March 31, 2010:

Four elements make up this universe no matter how you argue the point. My body, here on earth, of earth yet born in the fire sign. The water begins to cover me slowly until my entire body is submerged, surrounded by it, nearly worshiping it and it’s soothing qualities. Windows throughout the house let in the air, the soft warm sweet smelling spring air which causes the flames on the lit candles to dance in unison. I sink to the bottom as far as I can with only my mouth and nose sticking out of the water and just breath. I hear my heart beat, I hear the echo of the music as it softly sweeps through the stubborn blockage of the water to my ears. Most of all, I hear my breath. My lungs slowly expanding deeper and deeper with each breath, I hold counting slowly and exhale to the count of 8. By the time I do this about four or five times, I can be anywhere. My mind is open and ready for discovery, willing to see or feel whatever enters my mind but the beauty is, nothing comes. It is truly a moment of blissful silence in which my soul feels it has escaped the reality of the elements surrounding me.

As I exit the steam of the bath, the air seems to rush in faster, harder yet picking up in a subtle way as if not to be noticed. Drying me without even using the towel except to cover my hair. The room is dim, still lit by only candles, the soft sound of the water draining from the tub and the lavender still swirling around the room along with the air is magnificent. As I sat down at the foot of my bed, so relaxed I wasn’t sure I could walk even that far my earthly thoughts began to slowly come back to mind……… what if……… I wonder what……. How am I going to…… I hope…. I think….. I believe…..I feel………..and sadness came to me for a moment. all of these questions in my head, each thought leading to the other and so on, as if someone had just knocked down a house of cards or a line of dominos, one lead to the other until there was nothing left but a pile, flat and lifeless. And I had, literally fallen back onto my bed and began to breath again, slowly pushing each thought from my mind until it too was as weak and lifeless as the body in which it rests. PEACE

McGill "Lily" Nancy

(if you know the beatles at all you'll understand this one)

I woke up to silly Lily wanting to go potty, she’s the new puppy we’ve had for a month now, she’s wonderful and very smart. I stumbled around in the still dimly lite night looking for the light switch to the deck to let her out, blowing candles out around my room and couldn’t help but be thankful I’d woken up and not burnt my house down, imagine the irony…. Fire dies by Fire. Very few will understand that, but then again, only fire understands fire truly. Just like every other element…… we at least have the common element of our birth to hold us together.

I slept like I was in a coma, maybe I was after the mental purging of ugly nasty things that have gathered up through the past months finally gone and out for the air to take away and replace with pure clean thoughts and emotion. This day has been filled with the whispering of the trees, sun glowing through the windows, and feelings that not even I can explain, sometimes, even I keep my emotions to myself……. Really! Even those in my daily life know only half of my feelings or thoughts possibly even the depth to which they run through each small aspect of my life which amounts to one huge dynamic of events moving in different directions actually affects me inside. I share what I want, when I want, with whom I want to share with. Somehow the blog is the one place I feel like I can share and know that it’s my place to do it. You came here to read it, if you continued you chose too. I thank you for that. For listening to understanding or at least trying to understand such small things in my life, like my night last night, explained in the detail in which I felt it. Utterly Beautiful.

My day is done, I sit in the near silence of the house with nothing but the sound of the wind in the trees out the window sipping a wine spritzer preparing myself for another evening of a house filled with so much life, and yet when just one little girl is missing, feels as if it's empty completly.

I hope your day was peaceful, all that you wanted and worked at making it become. May your dreams wake you in peace as well and follow you throughout the day tomorrow.

Love, Luck and Peace.

Want to Win???

2010-02-18T21:09:00.001-06:00

Has it ever mattered WHAT you win? Isn't it just the feeling, you know like when you have bidding wars on ebay, it's the sheer fact you just won a pair of used socks for 5 dollars.... it doesn't matter what you do with them... you WON!

NO in all seriousness, want to take a chance to win something super cool? I do, i'll be entering for sure. No hooks, lines, fees... notta. Just click on this link- look around.... I'll be posting and adding more thoughts.... but meanwhile if you're bored on your lunch break, looking to buy your sweetie a special something, or hell, lets be honest..... go get yourself a treat for once......... go here:

http://www.jewelryartdesigns.com/jewelry-jad.asp?p=Win-Jewelry&xref=bambisblurbs.blogspot.com&sv=y3#sv3

I think you'll be happy! comment back, let me know what you think!

My Travel to Texas, and everything in between

2010-02-18T20:51:00.000-06:00

Just as I sit here in my living room, as chliche as it may sound.... the fire place on high, clasiscal music lighting up the rest of the house, with my laptop finally in hand, where i'ts needed to be for sometime now. I have so much to express and stories to tell, i feel as if i might take the rest of my life to tell you what i've already encounterd.

I just got back from getting my tattoos (two of them) touched up. Stella, a girl I met while she was working as a bartender (in now one of my favorite places) has a tattoo shop called the Abyss. Anyways she brightened up my right foot, and added some shading to bring out the color - this is the memorial for my mom. The lotus on my wrist just a few added colors to deepen a few things.

The pain of a tattoo is not like any other pain i've felt in this lifetime so far. Depending on the location of course, you have a different sensation for each part of the tattoo, the outline then the shading and coloring. The coloring is the worst, in my opinion, yet somehow a deep and satisfying pain. To put your mind out of what is going on, to look down and see a piece of art that literally means something to you as a person, who you are and what you're made of. Not everyone needs a reminder, but not everyone enjoys all art. I'll post pictures soon of the new fresh look- i'm loving it.

The days are beginning to shine a little brighter, literally. Like February is almost over, we are just to the summit before we start the long journey down the mountain into spring. The best time of year is approaching and i couldn't be happier. with each three grey skies, comes a full sunny bright blue day now, and they grow closer together than ever.

I had the pleasure of taking Jaida Texas recently to see her Family. Grandma and Grandpa Hill- and who could forget......... the sweet aunts willing to spoil her rotten! We had a wonderful time. Jaida really had a blast. Here are a few pictures for you - Enjoy!

This is Jaidas ball toss, they had activities for the kids. It was a very nice BBQ/PIG roast and family oriented memorial for one of their friends. Everyone had a great time. I got to see people that haven't seen me since i was younger. I was born in Nacogdoches- I still enjoy the time i have when i go back and it's great to take my daughter to places and meet people that i knew when i was her age. She didn't win, but she was a good sport and had a great time doing it.

This is Jaida with her Grandpa Hill. She was proud to get a Gypsy Tshirt and be a part of the club. Her grandpa made sure she got what she wanted, at all times.... of course.

Here we have Jaida posing with a beautiful antique bike made in England, since we are fans of the country and the musical talent it has produced over the years, we proudly took this picture as the bike owner smiled on.

This is Grandma Pam and Aunt Jessica at the Harley shop in Nac. Somehow we managed to get out of TX without a picture of Jaida with Jodie. Congratulations to you and Chris on your engagement, i cannot wait to see my own little sister married. He's a Good guy too!

The picture you see to the right, is the initial meeting of three brilliant minds. As you can see, the eyes are on fire with mischeif once Sophie, Jaida and Cori finally got to meet after all this time... and the game was on, in IHOP. They had a great time together.

I however got to also see my long lost brothers.... or two of them at least and of course Tessa, Clays wife. She's a doll. I've known her half as long as i've known them... it's nice. it's been seven years since I saw Clay or Victor, and it was a wonderful reunion!

Me and Clay, Three years or four? younger than me yet always bigger!

This would be Tessa and I (Clay's Wife) Shes such a sweetheart and wonderful mother. It was so great to finally hang out afterr so long.

This of course is Victor- Last time i saw him in person he was only as high as my hip, mean as shit and yet still a sweetie. They really feed those Texas boys! I was scared to ask if they had sushi, because i'm pretty sure a mudbug is the closest thing you'll find to sushi in East TX, and people, i'm here to tell you... this is alright with me!

This is Wes, Me, Clayton and Tessa- Good times Ya'll!~

So the AMAZING superbowl party, went off without a hitch..I found out an hour after the game was over who won and celebrated my own little version of celebratoin for the saints, who truly deserved to win.... by eating a few mudbugs in the hotest cajun sauce i'vef had since going to actual Mardi Gras.

Many Friends seen on the way, not nearly enough pictures of them, that just means lots of socializing and catching up. I think i'll be having a TX visitor in a few weeks... I sure hope my small excentric town of Eureka can sustain his designer wearing Texas slang and cowboy boots! Guess we'll be putting you to the Test Mr. Hannah

And, one more for the ROAD- Until next time boys................

You've always been my brothers, even if i haven't seen you in over seven years. I can't wait to see Levi and Evan again, all in good time. And, as you can tell............... good times......... had by all............. Victor... really? the tongue ring? Those are so 90's! :) tee hee

peace love and cheers my friends..... PROMISE i'll have more for you soon.....er... than later................ probly tomorrow. :) much love.

Happy 2010

2010-01-18T13:21:00.000-06:00

Here we are again, one more year of disapointment in the Cowboys. My love will forever be to that team but after watching them get their asses handed to them by the Vickings, I am glad the season is over and i can now sit back and watch the frantic fans of the Saints and Vicking sweat bullets not really caring who wins beyond this point.

Another weekend gone and it's already a New Year- Where does time go anymore? Feels like yesterday was summer, and here i sit in grey winter skies with a dull painful light from the sun trying to hard as ever to burn through the clouds that leark here to remind us of the season.

My New Year was great- the evening and really the first few weeks have been MORE than interesting with having a fender bender in the ice, buying a new car and numerous other ventures that seem to pop up and disapear in the same breath. These months grow stagnent on me, i find myself looking out the window not really caring if i even go outside for lack of energy and sunshine. No wonder we pack on the 'winter weight' HA. not much to do - especially after football season but to just cook, and eat and then cook more because well.... it passes the time happily. Here are a few shots from the NYE:

My new best friend that night- I cannot remember her name but her and her husband were so much fun and really a good 'poster child' for marriage. It was a blast.

KD, and Katie

Lovin Life.

YES they are REAL $2.00 bills- strange isn't it! :P)

So in the memory of the New Year Cheers to you all, hope it was a good one!

Inevidability of Life

2010-01-18T13:10:00.000-06:00

As I sat there under the heat lamp, getting highlights put in my hair I had no choice but to witness the ineveidable signs of age. There in the chair next to me sat an old man. He was there with his daughter, who was much older than my parents, so I can only imagine how old this gentleman was. As they shuffled him slowly to cut his hair in the typical military hair cut “high and tight”, they shuffled him back sitting him slowly next to me. I pretended to be into conversation on my phone via text, in reality I was observing every inch of this miraculous human.

He sat quietly, unable to hear well obviously. His eyes looked sad, likely from seeing most everyone in his life pass before him and his hands shook in horrid trembles. He was aged, but not as you see people age today, this was age of a man who had worked hard his entire life. Obviously, not just because of the hair, but the stature of which he tried to sit, he’d been in the military and served our country so that people like me could have the comfort of ‘getting our hair done’ like it was the best thing to happen to us in weeks. It opened my eyes the more I looked the man, his hands were aged that of a man who worked hard with them his whole life, his cheeks soft with deep wrinkles and soft pale tint. The hands would stop shaking just long enough for me to see the blood veins bulging out and scars from years of work. His eyes were brown, deep and dark and when he looked at me, I knew I was busted. He caught me, staring at his age. I kept trying to look away, wondering what was going through his mind as he stared so silently out the window watching passing cars. I wondered what he thought of when all he could seem to hear was the blurred sound of voices speaking in the background.

He glanced down at my shoes, no doubt wondering what the hell the ‘kids were wearing these days’ me, sporting one of my favorite Ed Hardy’s, shiny black with 40’s tattoos style designs and huge fake diamonds as the bling instead of laces. His eyes lightened up as he smiled a little, looking back at my face I couldn’t help but smile too. In that second he looked young again, the sparkle in his eye, no dobut from entertainment of the fashion I was sporting and for one second it seemed like we were in the same mind frame. It wasn’t long after he giggled that his young, yet still very aged daughter seemingly irritated with his disposition pulled him from his seat and shuffled him to the car. I couldn’t help but stare even as they drove away. Here I sat hoping that in my old age, my daughter would care for me like that, or maybe I would get lucky and not live to need cared for.

As I paid for my highlights, it was pointed out to me that I had a flat tire. I couldn’t help but laugh, the only tires on my new car that i didn’t replace…. Of course they were flat. So as I sat giggling at my tire situation and the fact the only ride I had was my ex husband – or baby daddy  to come rescue me I couldn’t help but be thankful for the chance meeting and shared smile between myself and the old man. I wanted to cry watching his movements until I saw his eyes looking directly into mine and I knew that even a flat tire wouldn’t be the worst of my worries. I just needed to put my faith in a better spot. So I did. I sit here back at work, smiling, my daughter watching a movie next to me here in the office while my poor father is out in the weather fixing my flat. I’m so lucky to have the people in my life that I have. The ones I hear from often, and the ones I never see. The ones that I’ll someday have to care for and the ones that will care for me. What a beautiful day. I hope you’re all warm in your lives with smiles on your hearts. Peace.

Doc Said "Rocky it's only a scratch!"

2009-12-29T18:28:00.000-06:00

Dont pass me by- dont make me cry- dont make me blue! Ok so it's been a Beatles kinda day. busy day, long day, glad to be home day even if i am totally alone, i still have my Beatles -hence the title and the first sentence. So we are due for more 'winter weather' tonight which as you might know i'm kind of excited for, maybe i'll go sled in the dark? Read a book in front of the fire place? sit naked in the ice? nah, that sounds a bit much doesn't it? :)

Lots and lots on my mind these days- I took this picture to show a friend my hair the other day- look close, it kinda says a lot- Whatcha think im thinkin?

Nothing really- I actually saw a huge crow out the window about the same time i snapped the shot. Do i sit around taking pictures of me? Sometimes. Is it because I am a narcassist? No. I think i'm about to start showing my age, frankly i'm scared to death because i see the lines in my face when i put my make up on, i hear the sound of my thoughts when nobody else can. But, i wont deny if you see in the eyes enough there is something there, you know, the thing i can't figure out that's gone. In any case, here comes the weather, here i sit with my beatles blaring and my dogs outside barking just to annoy the animals in the woods. I think they are successful.

I hope you all have a wonderful night, enjoy the snow/ice with someone you love. I'll be in bed with my dog. xoxo Bams

Some Random Shots of Beauty

2009-12-28T19:09:00.009-06:00

Funniest Child EVER- Probly the coolest too!

My Fav Flats, lost forever, ooh my friends how you are missed.

Just an after thought til i get my Austin Jersey!

Pride...

The beauty of life and it's creations!

Memories that last forever.......and best friends too!

Good Times... Best Friends

Always a bright light inside!

Beauty in Nature- at it's finest

Mouse Face at Turkey Day

"Drink Coffee- Do stupid things even faster"

2009-12-28T17:32:00.003-06:00

What a Holiday! I'm glad to say it is O.V.E.R. yet still basking in the glory of friends and family. It might have been one of the nicest Christmas's I have had in several years. I spent Christmas night alone though- it's always different when you have absolutly nobody to share the actual Holiday with. It is rather sobering in a way. In any case Xmas Eve was wonderful and the following Saturday as well.

It snowed here, i believe it was our first white Christmas in years, typically all WE get is ice. It was a nice change and much welcomed. The silence of the snow still nearly takes my breath away. The smell is alluring in itself though, enough to make me stop in my tracks and breath as deep as i can. I was outside on my deck today, snow still stuck to the ground, just not roads, not that we got much anyways. The sun was in full bloom today and it felt so good. I had to lean against the post, face to the beautiful sun as always and breath in the cold air as deep as i could. Euphoric is really all i can say.

It has definatly been an emotional month, or i should say, few months. Every day i wake up finding just a little more about myself, happy with who i am yet missing something I can't seem to find, not even really sure what it is or if it exists for real it's like searching for the back of your earing, you might as well say fuck it and go buy a new one. So that leaves a gap- I have no money or no clue what to buy... new shoes... that's more like it. Great idea!

So the Cowboys get to go to play offs if they beat the Eagles next week. OF course you know who i'm rooting for, but i wont cry if it's the EAgles that go this year either i Just think my boys deserve the chance more so than a team that picked up a douche bag like Vick. (my opinion, if you beat dogs, you should get beat... simple.. not handed your paycheck back to pay all your millions of dollars in fines) so that is my only beaf with my secondary NFL team. So, in all ... go COWBOYS!

Have you ever watched the flame dance on a candle? sometimes, it stands totally still, not moving in the slightest. You can see the definition. The darker outside of the flame, the bright inner light and the dark wick at the center. Suddenly as if it caught your breath from accross the room, it flicks to the right, then the left and appears to dance for you. It waves softly in each direction, flickers quickly then stands strangly still again. If i had to put my life into an analogy right now, because those closest to me know i'm pretty good with those. THAT would be my life. That beautiful candle just accross the room from me, the blue one. It smells like the Ocean (ok, so not really b/c i dont smell salt water or fish) but it is calming, peaceful and warm. from the outside. Like my life. Of course i'm not sure my life LOOKS very calming at all to many people.. but it is. I think i spend more time focusing on moments in life than most anyone i know, vs the big picture. I'm not sure if losing things over and over again (people, places, things, memories, bullshit in general) makes it more obvious that you should stop and breath in the moment or maybe i should give some credit to the Buddhist religion. in any case, i belive both are responsible.

I see things different these days. the candle isn't just a source of light and warmth, it's deeper. it has that hot solid edge, the one people SEE and dont think about. the external shell of the fires of life if you will. once you get past the blinding 'what appears to be a solid line' of definition around the light, you see the LIGHT it's self. it gets brighter some times, then duller and more orange, then back to vibrant yellow and so on. That's more of me as a woman, just human. soaking in emotion from all directions. Loving so much and so many, cry so hard and missing or losing things (from lives to earing backs)laughing so much i could cry happy tears to crying so hard i have to laugh. the part that matters is the wick though. the part nobody else really sees unless they can look through the flame into the middle- the eye of it- the wick. My soul. It appears dark to the eye, the wick of a candle. because in theory it is, it's just a wick right, you light that ugly dark thing and out of it comes light and warmth. love so to speak. Have you ever just wanted to blow your damn candle out for like a week? LOL I dont mean indefinatly just hit pause. Stop. Hault. Nobody move. I'm gonna lay down and sleep and when i wake up my flame will be brighter, my spirit charged, my wick even stronger and this time i'll be dancing and will never stop! HA I want a vacation.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, HOliday, whatever it was, or wasn't to you. In any case, i hope you spent a few days, weeks or even just hours with friends/family you love and who love you. I hope you were lifted up and your candle flame danced. I hope your smiles came free and the laughter was so intense your cheek bones feel as if they are frozen and cramping. THAT is the best kind of laughter. I hope you were out with your old friends, learning of places they've been, storys they told or faces they've met. Home with your family passing gifts and egg nog along with the newest baby of the family. AT the dinner table with whomever you needed at that moment passing the Lasagna around like it is tradition for xmas dinner :)

We always get what we need, no doubt about that. We dont always get what we want, that's for damn sure. But when exactly do we work hard enough to deserve them both at the same time? I'm ready for my good Karma, any day now Universe... God? Anyone? lay it on me!

Peace to you all, Much love from my little piece of heaven on earth here in the middle of nowhere AR.

THE NEW MOON - That must be why i feel this way.

2009-12-17T17:34:00.005-06:00

When I started this blog over two years ago it was mainly a way to just vent, to write, unedited freely with my soul and feelings laid out for any passers by to view, to see that out there in the world like them, there was another person who felt like they did or had the same vision. I've revamped this blog several times, once i hit 200 posts i started over again and put most of the prior work into a scramble of pages that will someday grace the title Memoirs- My life through amber colored glasses (steal that title i will hunt you down and break your knee caps)

I've found in the last year i have quite the following. not only those who publically follow, but people who read this just to see what's up in my weird world, see what my thoughts might be, find an uplifting story to cheer them up or at least interesting pictures. i feel i've failed in that area as of late. Letting this weird thing called life take over and leave me no room for my passions like writting (entertaining you people) and taking pictures but i'm finally back on the right path and taking time tonight to ramble a little.

Here i sit in my living room, the one with NO tv, only a sterio, the place i spend my time writting, mediating, thinking and escaping reality. I took a shower earlier, ready for a night out. To witness one of my best friends boyfriends ask her father for her hand in marriage - a christmas program for a special little girl i've grown to see as my own family and then later the Pj PARTY at the cat house with with my favorite group of guys Honkey Suckle who play some mean ass music.... why? Not because I dont want to be there, because i do. for all of it, because i love them all so very much but because i'm in a funk today. Not some sad funk, no.... i'm not all chipper and sunshiny like normal either. I'm more in the 'breath slow in the moment' type mood. No doubt i'll end up at the Cat house in pajamas later, but not for long i assure you- until then i'll lay here on my sofa, the only lights in the house other than my laptop are the white ones on the xmas tree and a pumpkin spice candle flickering in the distance. It is so silent in here my typing is an echo off the highly arched ceilings and the cat purring somewhere in the house, which is kind of scaring me because he's black and i have no clue where he is.

Christmas is coming so fast - JUST because I study Buddhism, doesn't mean i dont celebrate christmas. I have a baby girl and until she decideds what fits her soul as i did my own, we will celebrate every holiday there is, it's life afterall.... all of them. Life is well worth the celebration. Even then i'll have the tree once she's gone, i'm sure. Mainly because even though i dont outwardly admit this, i spend so much time alone during holidays that the tree- even though silent in it's existance, makes me feel like im not really alone. It makes the inevidable Christmas night while Jaida is with her dad that much more cozy and warm, even if it is just me reading by the fire with a tree to help light each page.

I'm definatly in a deep emotional bubble at the moment, feelings and emotions trapped inside slowly gathering in my fingers unsure if I should share here or just write my book. Which will hopefully someday be my saving grace, allowing me to 'work' for myself. Cook all day long with the most beautiful music playing in the background and have dinner ready for my family (or dogs, whatever!) when it's time.

I think i'll sit back, watch a netflix online and then maybe dig through some pj's that are'nt too 'naughty' for public... since that is what the theme is... naughty pj party- i prefer to keep that part for private, but i'm all about sporting my slippers and robe into the bar for an hour so share a glass of wine, dance a jig with my friends and then hurry home to snuggle up for bed.

I hope you all have your warmest wishes at your side tonight, comfort, health, wealth, love or just plain life in general- all you need. Peace my friends. Until tommorrow- when i post drunk pictures of me in my grandma robe in PUBLIC................. HA HA TOTALLY KIDDING I HOPE.

2009-12-10T18:37:00.000-06:00

Obviously its been so long since i've posted i forgot how to insert pictures as the story goes, so this one is like a puzzle for ya- try to figure out which picture goes with which part of the story! oh fun!

Ta Da- She's baaaaack.... again.

2009-12-10T18:02:00.015-06:00

Holy Ages! I haven’t posted in over two months. I could use any one of the following excuses……
• I was abducted while attending the local UFO Conference in Eureka Springs and just now got back from my trip around Uranus
• I have been traveling the world in search of Nirvana
• I have been tangled in the arms of the man of my dreams- Paul Walker
• I have been making trips back and fourth from the US to Fiji, trying to get moved into my new place on the ocean
• I’ve been filming the next part of the Twilight series “Breaking Dawn” to be released over a year from now…. and I get totally naked in it!
• I’ve been in Tibet Studying Buddhism with the Monks, and since shaved my head and changed my name to Thich Nhat Hanh.
• OR….. I’ve been so damn busy with real life that I haven’t had time to get my head stuck in the clouds, at least not long enough to get on my computer unless I’m at work, in which case I cannot access my blog due to new restrictions.
I’ll let you figure this one out!

My word what a couple of months it has been too! wow. Where in the hell do I start?
My daughter is in Kindergarten and doing very well! She is starting to read. I’m scared because I wonder how much longer I’ll be able to hide things by spelling them out to someone without her understanding me. How do you call someone a Douche Bag if your kid sounds it out and then asks what it is? (no she hasn’t YET) Guess I’ll start making up new, less abrasive terms for the parasites I’ve encountered, like maybe…. “Gosh, he’s a total tampon!” but I’m not sure that would be any better to explain????? In any case, watching your daughter flourish in school, even at such a young age is amazing. It also makes me feel my age which is totally not cool!

I recently decided I needed a huge change in my life- so since I’d never dyed my entire head (only highlights now and then) I figured, hey, I’ll just fucking go for it you know, just do it. Everyone else does! So I did. It was horrid. It was strawberry red. Which is GREAT on a lot of people, but this was not my color peeps, I looked like a lit match!

Jaida took this picture of me cooking on Thanksgiving- as you can see.... pretty bright

Of course Jenni (whos under layer of hair is blue right now) thought I should just go REAL BLOOD RED like ‘Annie Lennox’ RED from the late 90’s. I opted out of that with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, while on a weekend escape from reality with my other bff Katie I got toner from the local beauty store and got that red out- becoming literally in the blink of an eye, a female Billy Idol look alike. (jenni loved it *this is me scratching my glowing hair in confusion*) but finally went to my hair dresser to get it done. After a slight miss-commuinication it turned YELLOW:

I came back to work, and after the long odd moments of silence and stares (not the good , damn she looks cute today, or oh I love her shoes “stare” ) these were ‘holy ages, what the F** has she done” so I immediately called my stylist to have it dyed as dark as I could. So I did, and I love it:

The point of that rant was: Natural blondes should NEVER, under any circumstances, EVER be allowed to touch OTC hair dye! End of that bullshit!

Winter has officially begun- it’s cold as hell here and even the bugs are trying to get in the house. I found the third stink bug in my house and decided it was time to buy the do it yourself FOGGERS. Don’t get me wrong, I love the smell of cilantro, but stink bugs are like stuffing cilantro up your nose, twisting it then adding some lemon! I begin (thankfully) reading instructions on this bug bomb, and it tells me in BOLD to shut off the pilots, all electric devices, AC/HEAT etc… or my house could blow up. I don’t know how to shut the piliots off in my house…. So I guess I’ll let my cat continue catching the little green stink bugs until I find someone who volunteers their time to make sure I don’t blow myself up. (in recent events i learned i dont have pilot lights in my house, what a relief!)

Meanwhile, back at the bat cave- I mean Pierce City. My parasite of a used to be ‘step’ sister is still sucking off of my step dad/host of a father. Still no job, SUPPOSIDLY getting her GED (bout fucking time, maybe you’ll have it by the 30th birthday?) I mean really. Nothing against people who didn’t graduate, to each their own, fuck my own mom didn’t. But she DID get a GED. This bitch hasn’t worked more than 2 weeks at any given job since the dawn of time, and has two kids, two different fathers and dates men older than my dad……….. they aren’t even rich ones! LOL I mean in all fairness, if you’re gonna leach off someone, don’t make it your disabled father you asshole! Ok that was my mean vent for this post- We are officially no longer related or even in the same lifetime as far as I go, I’m done and plan to never see, speak or hear of that bitch again in my life. Nuff Said.

I recently went exploring with a friend or friends, who will remain nameless, since I have learned in the past few months how important my PRIVATE life is…. To other people…. So I’ll just keep the mystery about it. Went to the Buffalo River in Arkansas- Went to some bad ASS water falls- crawled way back in some caves, even took pictures of some little cave bats. They are ADORABLE.

I never thought I’d get that close to one, but I even pet one of their backs! I want one now… We even sat down in a café in this tiny town in southern Arkansas, where to my disgust there was not one bit of COW or Chicken on the menu… only lamb, buffalo, wild hog or ELK. Yes, I slowly stood up and then hauled ass for the door. Even the salads were alive.

It was a great trip- here are some pics for you:

>

DEEP inside a cave

In the recent learning of ‘lesson’s’ so to speak, I’ve learned a number of things:
• I’m more nieve than I ever thought- but I know what a drug addict/Alchoholic looks like now.
• Even if you do contact their parents, it doesn’t do any good, they continue to self distruct and you’re better off without them around
• The instincts of a mother are scary when her life feels threatened. I learned exactly to what extent I will go to in order to keep my daughter and our house safe. NO, I’m not afraid to use it- and NO those people do not scare me anymore. And I am not sorry for how I reacted!
• I have learned that love, over anger and hate will prevail no matter what. Even if you do have to boot out the people in life who you once cared so deeply for. In the end, the hole they left is filled with pure, good things and more laughter than you thought possible.
• Children are truly the light of the world. No matter how long you avoid holding babies, you eventually have to hold one, and when you do, you’re going to fall in love with it.
• Family means what you want it to mean, 98% of my family is of no relation to me at all they are the adopted ones… friends and friends families. 1% is worth my time and have done tremendous wonderful things for me, among those things… picking me up from HELL at 2 AM on a five hour drive one way and of course my true blood sisters, I love them to death, yet never see or hardly talk to them I’m still proud to call them family… the other 1% I will just leave blank- not worth the energy it takes to type
• The more time you spend outside, the better you feel in your heart and soul
• Religion is a joke to most people- to me it just means you believe in someone/something bigger than you. Not that if you don’t believe a certain way you’re damned to hell because sometimes, I think this life is hell or at least a damn tride and true test to see if we’d last down there. I think all religions are great- just as long as you feel as a single soul that it makes you better as a person. y’s post, or in a nutshell rather. Life changes, people change… if they do, it’s hopefully for the better, if not, walk away and wipe your hands of it. Life is too short and way too beautiful to let it get tainted by the hands of someone not there for your best interest.

In closing for today If you’re in someones life for your own selfish reasons, well that that means you too! I keep looking around, meeting new people, and finding myself apauled by what I see in some people. It’s almost a question now of ‘why even try’ to meet new people, if they keep ending up to be something they are not in the end anyways.

The holidays are upon us, I hope you all had a super Turkey day, ate until your hearts were content and were surrounded by the people you love and who love you most. I know I was. Christmas isn’t far off, and I’m trying so hard to get festive-I’m sure in the next few weeks if I don’t, media will no doubt push it on me anyways, I might as to those who are new comers to the following of my blog. I promise to improve posts from this point forward, come on now, give me a break…. I was with the aliens in Fiji, had writers block because I was in the arms of Paul walker, my hot vampire fiancé and when I woke up in Tibet I was bald and can’t prounounce my own name- damn that paodi! XOXOXOXO

2009-10-04T00:51:00.000-05:00

Cowboys- dammit- Romo pull your head out of your ass

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

2009-10-01T17:27:00.003-05:00

The skys turn so dull grey, the wind picks up swiftly, almost as a warning of what is to come. Yet i stand here with my face to the sky ready for it. The thunder rolls softly almost a whisper, then quickly turning to a solid roar in the sky. The leaves have started to turn, reminding me of the promise i've made to myself on the first day of Autumn. Suddenly the rain begins to fall..........

At first, it's small drops, cooler than summer rain, bigger, almost like the tears Alice cries in Wonderland. They pick up more intense now, faster, heavier and soon you smell it....... the first rain of Fall. It is such an earthy smell, as if you can tell the season change through the scent, and you can. Looking around me the leaves have started changing, it's no longer just the dried crisp tips of the leaves, the color has begun to smother the leave almost to the point you dont see the green on any of them anymore, yet the true vibrant color of the season has not peaked.

I close my eyes, face to the clouds, wetness falling so softly on my lips causing me to smile. It's here- a new season, a new chapter, the rest of my life!

It is amazing to me, the things we can endure in a month that can change our lives forever. The people we meet, the friends we make... even the friends we've had who had to push us down the hill and slap us- only with love to make sure we realize we've lost ourselves in the season. The past is the past, just that... once you leave it, that is where it stays. Or it should anyways.

Memories deleted from computers or torn from pages still remain in our minds, not by choice. It's up to us to pick and chose the memories we wish to imprint us and our souls forever. The changes made in me have been for the better. I've come into this season with a fresh new perspective on life and finally found my light again... there in the eyes once grown cold for whatever reason.

I sit here with all my windows open, as always, the rain spraying into my face as i type and the scent of earth swirling around my head making me giddy inside- butterflies like a first kiss, a spring morning, or a babys laugh.

Life is wonderful, as much as you can find in a day that says otherwise, at the end of it, like today, the importance lies in the present- there is so much here to be thankful for. Not run from the rain because we dont want our hair messed up, but stand in it, feel it, smell it and smile because you're alive and that is all you can ask and move forward- smiling, maybe even skipping at a quicker pace than yesterday.

So in the end - of the day - the season - the relationship - the year - the moment.... look back and smile, watch the bad melt away like the rain washes the dirt from the concrete.... into the gutter never to be seen again. Felt- maybe, if you let it, but seen... only in your minds eye if you wish.

I hope today was filled with nothing but good memories, butterflies in your stomach, falls first true storm, children laughing, puppies yapping, whatever it is that makes you smile and gives you a sense of comfort in your life. I know i have mine back- here where it always was, just covered by the end of a seasons dust from staying in one place for way too long emotionally.

Cheers my friends- May your evening be filled with everything that makes your heart smile, and your chest burst with laughter.

Chasing Waterfalls

2009-09-21T18:53:00.002-05:00

Things happen to us at the strangest times in our lives. It’s like hiking all the way to the top of the mountain to see the most beautiful waterfall, and when you reach the top, the water is dried up, you cant see the view past the trees and you are left standing there, in the clearing surrounded by trees and a dry river bed. Dissapointed, confused, worn out from the hike and even worse… thirsty as hell and again, no water. It’s this moment when you sit down and look around for the joke…… realizing it’s reality and you have to keep searching for something to make the hike worth while so you sit a little longer. The rain starts, at first it’s a soft warm rain, the kind that makes your hair stand up on your arms in pure joy, then it begins to fall faster, and harder, growing colder and colder until you’re searching for a place to escape. In front of you is the cliff, you know, the one the waterfall is supposed to be running over, behind you a forest with miles to hike back to your own car and nothing but mud to make you slide the entire way down… and of course the bolders you’d land on.

THAT is where I am right now. I’m that person. Huddled under the biggest oak tree I can find trying to stay warm and dry, yet the wind continues to blow. I keep closing my eyes, thinking any minute the sun will come out, the rain will stop and I can go home, safe at peace and warm where I should be, but it seems never ending.
I love life. Even the down falls- always have. Maybe the downfalls aren’t the best when you’re in dead center of them, but when you do finally get out of the cold harsh rain and wind, down the mountain and back safe at home you start to realize how important the things you DO have in life really are. I’ve lost a lot in the past two weeks. Not material, just emotional value. Nothing worth talking about here since it can and will be used against me later so you can just email me or wait for the book to find out. :)

It does make me curious though, how you can go through life trying to do nothing but good. Help whom ever comes along, do all you can and still get kicked in the face when you’re on your knees asking for help. It’s always the ones who kick the hardest that you thought would be there to pick you up but it never turns out that way. It’s the people you never knew would be there when you need it the most.
The rain is literally getting ready to pour here- the sky is black and the coolness of the fall season is pushing through the windows. Tomorrow is the first day of fall- Autumn I should say. The start of yet another chapter in life, time to stand up from under the tree, brush the mud off the best I can and make the long journey back home. I’m sure I’ll stumble on the way down, no doubt we all do. but I had to make this hike to see what it was for myself, instead of listening to what anyone else might have said. We all see things different, accept things in different ways, react differently, care differently, show affection differently… you name it. The one thing we can do, as humans is try to find the good inside- even those who really don’t have any (and yes I’ve seen them first hand as of late). Give people a chance and then move on. Pick up our friends when they are laying face down in the mud instead of walking over them because we don’t want to get our shoes muddy, not even stopping to think of how that person in the mud right now may have been your ‘rock’ when YOU needed them. Sometimes Rocks fall down. They can take a lot of pressure but all rocks will eventually break when they have all the weight on them, and nobody to put the weight ON themselves.

I’m walking away- saying goodbye to the dry river bed, making this long journey back home, to myself to my smile and to my way of life as I knew it, I’ll just be a few friends short, a little less weight for me to carry. I mean really, we have to clean out our closets sometime in life right? Why keep the negative ugly ones that aren’t even comfortable to begin with? That’s why we hand them off to the thrift store, someone else will mistakenly pick them up thinking ‘what a cool shirt’ only to return them just as I am.

To my lovely readers, Happy Monday! I hope you have your rock by your side. Your heart in your hands locked safely unable to be hurt, your head held high and at least one person to remind you who you are if you lost sight of it, even when the entire world feels against you. I hope you can stop your tears long enough to realize the strongest person you know is yourself. Hands down and that even you, that rock, has to give in once in a while and admit that you can’t take on the world forever without a little crack in your surface now and then. You know what, it’s ok though. The sun will always come back out!

Much Love- cheers and oh, boo hoo Cowboys! Hey Romo, pull your head out of your tight little ass please, your gonna give me ulcers.

Just Another Chapter in the day of MY life.

2009-09-07T17:07:00.011-05:00

All I can hear is the whoosh of the fan once again. The windows are open to let the coming autumn light in, reminding me that change is just around the corner. This time of year, just before the wind grows too cold to take a walk outside without a jacket, a ride In the car with the windows down and the music at high volume. You can look about the horizon, you can see the orange starting to swallow up the tip of the once vibrant green leaves in an almost stealthy manor. The water is a bit calmer, less traffic and more silence. The wind dances in a different direction, this way, then that, then another direction completely.

I stood in the sun, my long hippy dress softly flowing along with the river, and my feet sliding softly through the moss built up over time on the rivers edge. The sun felt right today, calming and outreaching, soothing and impowering, at least to a soul who needs the empowerment right now.

I find my power in the strangest of places once I let someone suck it from me. Some people go through life, not giving a shit, not letting things affect them, not feeling or seeing with their heart but I’m not that person. I see things different, I feel them like only I know how apparently. I see here…. My dress, flowing, my feet at ease in the calm cool water and a crystal I’m holding dear to bring me back the light that seems to be slipping.

The one ones who can change our lives are us. Sure, we let people in- that is human behavior, if we blocked them all out we would be nothing but alone and lost to figure it out on our own. With help – a nudge, a friend, a picture, a phone call… you can do the most amazing things for someone. Save a life, turn a tear to a smile, get lost in a moment that can cause nothing but peace and serenity. The good ones are sent here to show us the way, to mirror who we are when we’ve lost it and can’t see past the control someone has taken of our soul. The bad ones, the soul takers, are only here to take your light, your spirit and use it to make themselves stronger leaving you weak an in pain, as they travel their disctructive journey through life taking and taking never to give back anything but lies. I’ve spent days looking into the eyes you see here:

What do you see?

I see someone full of love, and peace, someone who let another or others take something that they readily took without even a thought of return something i gave of my own free will, yet i still see determination, I see the goal that I will reach no matter how many ups and downs this world may hand to me. I find sadness in these eyes though, sadness only caused by letting people in. Opening my heart and finding good in everyone. Truth is, there isn’t good in everyone, they just hide it fucking well.

Not this girl my friends- you can get me down, but you can’t keep me there! You can dim my light or tell me lies, hide the truth, or pretend you’re someone you’re not but the fact remains, I’m not stupid- as my mom said in her suicide note “just have too much pitty for the pitiful!” I’m ready for the rest of my life- said if for a while now, if you don’t want a part of it, go away… find another light to distinguish with your lies and your fake smiles, your fake life and your bullshit drama. To those who love me for my light, come on back…. All is good and life is grand. Come with me… and hold my hand

It's a damn good day sunshine! Love and Hugs, Bambi

Longest Month EVER

2009-09-01T17:04:00.009-05:00

I'm not sure exactly where to start this post. considering i'm not finishing the very depressing and raw Memoirs until my book is ready- that's all you get for now but i'm sure i could save you the gory details, however draining it was to actually write it, PUBLICALLY, has taken a lot out of me and removed my creative process of thought now for over a month.

It's truly amazing how fast time can go, a week, a month, a year.The changes that happen in the seasons, life and just every second in general. People who leave your life suddenly begin to be missed, some dont miss at all but smile for finally seeing them for who they were and removing yourself from that situation.
Then there are the people gained in your life, the new 'recruits' so to speak, the ones you fill out and tell small things to just to test them and see if they are even worthy of being in your life. Do they bring good things, or negative energy and drama with every tick of the clock? These people in a matter of time begin to show the truth face of who they are- some of them wonderful... amazing true spirits, others the kind of shadows you cross the street to avoid. The most important ones are the people you've had in your life that you've not seen or heard from the ones that when you hit the point i'm at in life now, you stop and realize that no matter what these very few true people will always be who you are a part of you, a part of your character and your every being, action and breath.

I have grown up such an independant person, that I catch myself taken aback as of late. I have spent countless hours in what i can only call a whirlwind of 'mind fuck' trying to put the picture back together. How do you lose yourself, totally in 6 weeks? Why? Can you pin point that one move, the moment when you just shut off? I have been trying, and cannot for the life of me figure it out. I know i've hurt people in the past year, not intentionally- good people, people i love, but people who are better without me, and me without them. People who i love from afar, but together cause such drama and friction it makes my head hurt and my heart race.

My 29th Birthday came and passed. Once again, a total let down that i set myself up for. I havent had a good birthday for over six years, but i've kept the faith up to this point. I officially quit celebrating them- If i am not woken by the Beatles song, and the heart behind the tradition- the only person I had in the world who really knew ME- well then, i'll just stay 29, because really- isn't that the age we are supposed to stay anyways?

I took Jaida to my mom's side family reunion.

It was in Yellowstone National Park. Before I got really sick, in the hospital and cooking brain, I took some pictures and got to see SOME of the park. I met a lot of family i've only heard about from my mom and it was wonderful, the resemblance in our genes is amazing when you see us all together in pictures. It sure is funny though, the characteristic differences in us all. You have the family you've grown up with- the ones you know from once or twice a year visits and that you keep in touch with. My cousin and I have been like sisters since i can remember, she was always who i looked up to growing up. She's still up there with the people i hold high in my book of thoughts. My aunt, the 30 year recovering 'drunk' for lack of better terms, finally shows her true colors and how much better she is than the rest of us, or me i guess. When your mom kills herself it tends to put a taint in the mouth of the siblings left behind, enough for them to blatently tell you to your face 'your dad killed your mom bambi, she would never have done that to herself' and lets not forget making sure to tell me that she never loved him either. boy- some people are just a real kick in the arse.- causing me to laugh at the sheer ignorance of her words as they echo accross the boiling hot tub water into my already weak ears. Again, with the 'finally realizing the truth of people'. Of course my cousins hubby was a good dude as always, he came. She was blessed with a husband with a heart of gold and they created a son with a kiss from heaven on his head.

Little white spot in the front of his soft brown hair- no explaination but a kiss from an angel. He and jaida played so well. I met all my mom's cousins- the ones from California, Washington, Oregon (i am sure i'm forgetting somewhere) My cousin John, his father grew up with my mom- both wonderful loving and generous people. It was truly a blessing to have John there and his dad, i'm not sure if it had been for them and my Uncle Ronnie that I would even have a brain right now- because they took me to the ER (never travel to any place in the middle of BFE if you have even the slighttest illness) Apparently a temp that high for 2 days straight can cause serious damage- Thank you for technically saving my life- and my aunt, Katina, who drove through the night FIVE hours to keep me from anymore emotional dramatic bullshit- I can't wait to spend more time with them! All in all- it was the first family reunion in years, the first one without my mom, the first one with my own daughter and the first one where i felt like i really did have a family- even if not close- i had them, they were here... i could see her in all of them and that alone made me feel happy.

Oh did i mention i almost lost my dog in the middle of it all? Yeah, Paxton the 11 year old Schnauzer- he's good now, fine, happy again, just ugly with scars but he's still here- ass loads of money later... here he is......... still the most loyal person in my life!

I can't promise my writing will be back to frequent, as life is tossing me curve balls and people, i've never played baseball in my life! Everyday is like stepping up to the plate with a different person throwing hard shit at my face, for me to swing, miss and then do all over again. It's only a matter of time before i make contact and crack the fucking ball out of the park, i guess only time will tell and practice makes perfect? At least practice makes us stronger no matter what the case. I'm just happy football season is here- the one night a week, when I can and will, sit down (ok if i have the channel) and get to watch my COWBOYS as the leaves change colors, the breeze grows colder, the days grow shorter and the darkness of winter begins to loom around us. Football season- It is MY Adrenaline rush for days when the sun isn't shining.

No matter the weather, the mood or the issues. I sure hope your life is drama free, if its not- look around you... where does all the bullshit come from? Kindly let them go about their own way. I've realized one thing for sure in this little adventure of August- I will NOT waste another day on an energy draining, negative, bitchy, snooty or backstabbing person. Frankly DAHLING- I dont give a damn! Life is too damn short to deal with that- I've had enough of it in a month to last me a lifetime, which wont be an issue, since i've officially stopped aging. Much love to you all- peace in all the right places, smiles at all the right times. Cheers

I leave you with a little close up of my kind of sunshine:

Memoirs- Jeanette Eisele - Part 2.

2009-07-23T09:58:00.004-05:00

As I glanced back at her lifless body, one last time I saw my dad crying as he leaned to her cheek. I pushed through the wooden swinging doors and burst into the most painful deep sobbing i'd ever experianced. Even the large farmers arms of the cornor were somewhat helpful as he tried to console me. At least he kept me from falling, as any strength i had as of now was gone, along with her soul.

I walked slowly out of the odd smelling funeral home, and down the concrete path to the little blue VW Beetle we had bought my mom after the tornado destroyed her Sentra (it was so old and oxidized, we never understood her emotional connection to it) and at the time, I had a yellow VW Beetle and she always liked mine, so we got her one. It was now my dads to drive... a six foot 6 tall bald man... it WAS pretty funny.... at least it was somethign to smile about. I sat in the car, with the door open, staring into the sun waiting for something to happen to wake me up from this horrible dream and she'd be standing there laughing like some sick April Fools Day joke "ha ha gotcha"... but it didn't. I heard the door slam and it was my dad. His head was down, eyes gazed into the steps he was taking and the cracks on the concrete before his giant feet. He opened the car door and sat down slowly.

"We need to go and talk to Sharon" he said, without any emotion at all. So off to the house we headed. The drive up the way was longer than it had ever been. The gravel crunched under the tires and the once beautiful house, now torn apart from the tornado that hit only months prior was there, unfolding as if in some horror movie.

She was standing next to her squad car, arms crossed, puffy eyes yet no tears. Sharon was always a good friend of our family, she was a lesbian so of course people around town had to treat her like crap because that's what back woods idiots do to people who are a little different or things they dont understand. I began to walk into the house, I had to get 'bobby'- my mom's favorite bird. Sharon stopped me quickly telling me... i didn't want to see it. I assured her, I did. She walked with me to the living room, where my mom had laid the padding from a lawn chair over a sofa to keep any blood from ruining the sofa (because you had to know her, god forbid she leave a mess for us... ina house that was already torn up by a tornado)

"No Blood?" I asked with the most amazed look on my face. "no, not one drop my dear' Sharon replied with her solid arm around me. I asked her to explain to me how she was laying and she did. On the west end was her head, at her feet a picture of Jesus Christ, which explained why she was smiling when i saw her for the last time. On the floor were two bowls of water. One with dish soap, one with clean water. Again with the mess thing. After we took Bobby out of the house I asked to be alone in the room. Adam was there, and that was fine. I sat down quietly on the sofa I wanted to feel what she felt see what she saw- I knew she kept her 'stash' of green material somewhere close and the last thing i wanted was the sheriff to find it upon their secondary search- she didn't need to be rumored a pot smoker on top of a suicidal. I looked around, asked aloud 'if i were here, where would i have hidden it'.... i reached up under the botton of a side table, pushed the drawer backwards and it landed in my hand. I began to cry.

Adam was standing to my right, beside the couch and reached for my shoulder in condolence. About that time i heard something solid hit the ground and roll. The look on his face was of shock, and he was somewhat pale in the face. "what was that" i asked. "Uh" he stammered "i'm not sure you need to know Bambi" In my head, i kept asking - WHY does everyoen assume i dont need to know, ASSUME i shouldn't see, ASSUME i shouldn't be told- I stood up quickly to discover why he didn't want me to see it.

There on the floor, about two feet from my foot was the slug that the cops were unable to find during the original walk through of the scene. It was a small one, i picked it up and with horror on my face realized the white piece of substance on the end of it wasn't part of the bullet, but part of my mom's bone. I quickly placed it in a plastic bag, and put it in my pocket. Not long after that, I realized i hadn't even asked for a note. I stepped outside to ask Sharon and she had told me the Sheriff had taken it, along with the weapon for further examination and it would be weeks before they would get it back to us.

Here i stand, silently hiding the bullet they thought was in the sofa because it was a through and through shot to her chest, yet no sign of it entering the fabric of the place she was laying. Apparently in the 'law' world, this was odd. It was also said the weapon was set to automatic rounds- but jammed on one shot.

To be Continued...............

Memoirs- Jeanette Eisele Part 1.

2009-07-19T11:58:00.003-05:00

It was July 16th of 2003. It had been a full year at least of non stop phone calls to her, daily… typically more than once sometimes more than five depending on the change between them. It was normal to call her in the morning, see how she felt and get my ass chewed out from something I’d done when I was five, like biting the blinds leaving teeth prints while I watched my parents out in the yard, of course she was back in that moment, so you can imagine how hard it was for me to not laugh at her being that I was at the time 22 and she was STILL yelling at me for doing that, then saying ‘I didn’t’ do it’ (I was an only child people… lets say I wasn’t bright enough to blame the dog) I remember waking up this day, calling her. The first of the calls were pleasant, she talked of the humming birds fighting over feeders or mates or whatever would cause then to fly at one another shit and fly the other direction. We would giggle about this almost daily. The first conversation was good, I thought this would be a wonderful day for us. An hour later I got another call from her angry with me, because she’d not heard from me yet today, ranting about insurance claims and the tornado then switching to something totally off the wall. My stomach would sink and I could hear it in her voice that there wasn’t much time left, but I didn’t care to face it. I was 22. Nothing can hurt you at 22. The calls went on all day- good then bad, then finally the last one it hit her you could tell, she realized after I angrily said to her ‘mom, for gods sake I’m working and I’ll come see you after work, we’ve had this same FUCKING conversation all damn day’…. she hung up on me. I sat, staring at the clock in my office. It was after 4 and I got off work by five. I immediately felt horrible and tried to call back but no answer.

She had gotten an MRI a few months prior to her losing her memory sparatically, they saw dark spots on the base of her skull – meaning the cancer had spread. The slightest hint of chemo therapy or radiation or even the acknowledgement that she was dying or losing her mind was out of the question for her. So we went along with it, papa and i. we just pretended right along side her that nothing was wrong.

When I got off work, I went to my house that I had been living in with Jaida’s dad (this was before Jaida of course, we lived in sin… ya ya) I was preparing dinner, of course to take some to my parents when I heard a knock at the door. It was her, holding wind chimes in each hand. I welcomed her in, gave her a hug. She was in a surprisingly chipper mood. She had been at Modern Variety and found these chimes. She wanted me to pick the one I most liked. It was hard, one were rainbow colored sunshines with huge smiles and the other soft pink butterflies. I wanted them both, but I took the sunshines, knowing that she secretly wanted the butterflies, since I always reminded her of one. We sat and chatted for a while, she showed me some sillies she had gotten and shared some white chocolate with me (the real kind, the kind they chip away and put in a paper bag for you… the kind that makes you sick when you eat more than a few pieces). Like always though, the conversation slipped… somewhere in the midst we began arguing about something and I told her in the meanest voice I could muster “I have had enough! FUCK MOM- you go off like this ten seconds later you’re back to fucking normal!!! Seriously how do you NOT see what you are doing?” She stopped, her face turned blank and she headed towards the door. She smiled at me as she began walking out, still holding the butterfly wind chimes and said ‘you wont have to worry that much longer bambi, I love you’ to which I replied ‘I love you too mom’ and the door shut quietly.

I watched her get in the van, sit for a moment realizing what was realling going on, it had to be hard to realize you were losing your mind and had no clue. I stood in the picture like any snotty 22 year old ass hole would do and just watched her without telling her I was sorry. My god, she was tiny, she weighed 80 pounds last I knew, she was a walking skeleton.

The night drew to a close like any other, Adam and I watching tv. Ignoring all possible reality in the outside world, eating whatever it was I had cooked, snuggling with Paxton and just hanging out.

July 17, 2003

I woke up the next morning with the same chip on my shoulder. I remember thinking to myself how horrible I was, but at the same time how I wasn’t going to let her ruin my day today. I wasn’t going to call! I headed off to work – regular office chatter- blah blah blah and it was lunch time. I went home to have lunch with Adam and our Friend Chase. At the time the two were mowing yards together so it was a nice break for me to smell stinky working men while eating a lunch meat sandwhich. I remember heading back to work around 1:00 and that is when the day grew cold.

I still hadn’t called, I kept thinking of what I had told a co worker just weeks before this whole thing ‘I wished god would heal her or take her away because I cannot handle this much longer’- sinking in my head and my stomach I felt the guilt and realized it was nearly 2 and I’d not even gotten a call from her yet. About that time my phone rings.

“Bambi, this is XXX from security, we need you to come over to the security building right away please”. Immediately I thought I was getting fired, again with the selfishness of a 22 year old until I rounded the corner to the building and saw the Pierce City Police car. I heard every step I took, every breath in and out, I could feel the sun beating down on me almost in a straight burn. It was bright, in my eyes and I could feel my heart racing I had a hunch, intuition you might call it, but it was confirmed when I peered through the window to see my dads hat he wore every day- I knew it was him b/c he always wore his infantry pin on it from the army.

I opened the door to see two of our company security officers that I’d gotten to know very well by speeding past them in the parking lot while they shake their fingers at me and I’d honk every time as if to say nah nah nah – against the far wall was the cross eyed cop from Pierce City who was once our janitor turned police chief over night (yeah, I’m serious here, go a head and laugh… we all do!) and then he stood up……….. my dad…. His tall thin stature normally so strong and protective was green in the face – red in the eyes and shaking like he’d seen a ghost.

“She did it Bambi” he said to me with an obvious pain and lump in his throat. “NO…. where is she, is she ok… no she didn’t!!!!” he repeated that yes in fact she had- and I hit the cold tile of the floor knees first. He picked me up, I hit him in the chest as if it were somehow going to make me feel better or wake me up from the horrible nightmare I was in and behind him, as he held me so tight to his chest I saw the PC officer look to the ground when the words “Where is she now, can we go see her” came from my mouth. The room cleared quickly. The security guards that once jokes with me turned and walked away, the officer stood steady with no expression and no eye contact.

“Shes gone sweety, she’s at Lakin Funeral Home”

The last words I remember then were saying NO and crying, feeling sick and running out the front door of the building that seems to be closing in on me and throwing up violently next to the tire of my dads car. I sat down in the summer heat suddenly emotionless, no tears, they had stopped…….my ribs hurt from the emotional thrust of sickness that had just came from inside my soul.

It wasn’t long before papa joined me and sat on the curb. Everyone cleared out it seemed and it was just us. I knew what I had to do. But I wasn’t ready. Two weeks ago she reminded me very clearly “When it’s my time, I don’t want a big funeral so all the fake people can come stare at my lifeless shell and pretend they cared, I want you to cremate me, don’t you dare let them cut me open I want to see God in one piece unscathed from a coroners hand, and I want you to scatter me to the four corners” This obviously was a conversation we all knew was coming, she had to smoke pot to eat- even a few bites then sometimes it would hurt so bad she threw it back up anyways.

My dad put his hand on my shoulder and told me to go get my things, that I had a job to do as I was in charge of everything in her passing. Nobody but Me was to make any final decisions in her well being for the afterlife. I stumbled across the black pavement into the building where I worked. My boss was gone, I was weak and I will never forget the first person I told. Her name was Brandy Beshears- I saw her in the kitchen and she asked me what was wrong. Make up down my face, I asked where Kurt (my boss) was. In the next second would be the first time, to what was at that time almost a total stranger that “I have to leave, my mom killed herself”.

I excused myself from the already growing curious crowd of people who had apparently seen me fall outside the building and get sick, so you can imagine how quickly news spread the moment the large oak doors closed behind me. All I could hear in my head was what I had said only a few days or weeks before “I wish god would just heal her or take her…. “ over and over again. The next stop was to tell Adam. I knew where they were working, and papa drove me silently to the doctors yard. I stepped out of the car and as if he felt the pain rush over him as well he heard my tears over the hum of the lawn mower. He shut it off, jaw dropped in awe and I again lost all strength in my knees. I don’t remember what I told him- I just remember opening my eyes and I was at the funeral home.

The smell is horrible in any funeral home, it’s deathly quiet and the carpet is always some horrible pink color with the most hideous flower wall paper to hide the once panneld walls. Mr. Lakin asked me to sit at one end of the table, I chose the other in defiance. Papa at my side, holding my hand Mr. Lakin began. All of the paper work had to be filled out by me. Autopsy? NO – I mean after all my moms’ friend Sharon Black- also a PC cop was at the back door of the house when she did it… what was the point, we all knew the truth behind the suicide…. At least the ones she allowed to know. I looked past his huge shoulders into the crack between the swinging doors and I could see her. His words became a dull sound that I could no longer make out as I focused on the space between the doors. I could see her beautiful long blonde hair and the tip of her nose…. I could see the red spot on her forehead that she had gotten in a motorcycle accident from when she was 16. After I filled out all the information, signed for no funeral, wrote a check for the amount of the cremation and made plans to come back to pick her up I was handed an envelope. Her blongings, what she was wearing when she was picked up. Amnithest necklace, tarnished from wear – a tiny emerald earing she wore on just one side in the only second hole she was brave enough to pierce and a tube of her favorite chapstick… Chap-Et- the blue kind that smells like medicine.

After a bear hug and a slight tear, Mr. Lakin went to escort us out. “no, I want to say goodbye to her sir” to which he replied very stern “Honey, I don’t think you want this to be the last memory you have of your mom”…. But it was……….. because I’d buried so many friends already through high school, car wrecks, suicides, illnesses that I was not leaving until I said goodbye to my mother, my best friend.

I didn’t wait for his answer, I simply pushed past him into the morgue, and there she was. Lifeless in a black body bag unzipped down just above her chest. Her golden hair even more light against the dark plastic bag and her snow white skin so milky and for once healthy looking. The blood hadn’t been flowing through her veins for hours but she was still beautiful. Her eyes were open, eyes like no other. Blue as the most beautiful sky with a glorious and powerful soul to match hiding just behind them. she had a smile on her face- a faint smile, it made me smile. She was no longer in pain………..she didn’t even bleed- not one drop. Sharon and I think she was dead before the bullet entered her chest. I brushed my fingers through her hair one last time, closed each eye with my own finger to be sure she couldn’t see the pain in my face just incase part of her was still there, lingering to make sure I did my job right. I leaned forward, a tear from my face falling to hers and kissed her lifeless cheek. It wasn’t totally hard yet, just cool to the touch… lifeless and solid.

To be continued…………

Dark Days of Summer: Part 2

2009-07-15T10:39:00.008-05:00

After speaking to my dad yesterday i realized............ it's been six years since she died. Apparently i've been stuck in this cave longer than I thought because somehow, I lost an entire year. I CAN do math, i promise, maybe it's because i dont remember the entire first year after the loss. In any case, imagine my surprise and the pain when I ran into that brick wall yesterday.

Continued............
After hearing her read her note, over and over again in my head the cold earth beneth me began to grow colder and wetter. Her voice was finally gone and all i could hear were the drops again, the tear drops falling to the wet ground beneith me. I felt something suddenly in the palm of my hand, it was small and hard, mis shapen and cold, just like everything else around me. I tried with all my mite to see this thing, but couldn't make out what it was or how it got into my hand. It wasn't a rock, it appeared to be metal, solid metal. In my other hand appeared another metal piece, it was easier to make out. It was longer, hollow in the middle, cold metal with a ridge at the end of it. REalizing with a sickness in my stomach, exactly what it was- a shell casing, oddly the piece in my other hand fit in it perfectly. It was the slug, the one that took her life.

I sat there in the dark, now freezing and scared. no longer crying but starting to understand my surroundings. I realized she had given them to me. The bullet, and the casing, and the note... though hard to read, and rarly remembered were all here for a reason. No longer had the last tear dried from my face than i started to feel a warm breeze, a sweet smell of honey suckle and a flicker of light. I slowly stand up, weak from the emotional drain of the experiance and suffering. HOlding myself against the wet cool wall of the cave I wonder towards the light in awe, still clutching the metal pieces in each hand. As I grow closer and closer, the breeze warms my cold fridged skin and the smell becomes more and more inviting. I can see the blue of the sky now, and I know that i'm almost out of the cave until i come to realize that I must climb to get out. The sky is above me, the sun barley able to reach my pale cold skin. Looking now at the two pieces i've cluched in my hands i realize I have to leave them behind in order to climb out. I know she gave them to me for a reason, as a reminder - but holding onto them will only keep me here, in this cold dark place where I dont belong even longer and i know where she wants me to be. I kiss the cold metal pieces and place them on the ground, around it I draw a heart and like magic they dissapear into the ground, the heart begins to light up, showing me roots on the climb up that i'm able to grasp as i climb. REaching for the first one I could feel a sort of magic around me, helping me find more and more places to grasp, more and more energy I'd not had in me moments before in order to get me to the top. Mud and rocks falling in my face and my hands bleeding from the pain of the climb I continue this for what seems like hours. My fingernails hurt, but the closer i get to the top, the stronger i feel and the better the sun feels on my skin. I rise out of the opening, and standing there is my daughter, surrounded by every friend i've ever had in my life. All of the people who i love and love me so dearly- even ones i've not met face to face. Each of these people have pushed me, pulled me or given me pep talks along the way to help me climb out of this hole and continue with the life i was meant to lead. each of them smiling- each of them giving me strength to continue and every second I realize they were sent to me by her.... even before she died. The entire clearning is surrounded by people, honey suckles and sun.

It's like heaven.... to me... I pick up my daughter, her grasp tight around my neck as she tells me 'I love you mommy, i can't wait to be a mommy just like you'. Life is good, the climb has been painful and what i'm leaving behind is and always will be with me, but nothing compared to the beauty that surrounds me in this lifetime!

Thank you- all of you, for your encouraging words, your laughter on rainy days, your jokes when i need a smile, your hug when the crying hurts so badly that i can't breath, the words of wisdom because you've been there, the empathy because you've not, the kindness you've shared, the pain you have healed and the time you have spent in my life.

Peace and Love to you all- ALL of you! I am lucky to have each of you in my life.

Tomorrows post will be a full account of her death. The day she died, the day before she died, the last words we spoke and a full account of my memory. It will be in tragic detail and I ask that if you do not want to know what i saw, felt and delt with taht you simply skip it. It is, however something i have to put on paper before i continue my book, and for you to fully understand ME as a person and how far i've come since her death. Much love to you all. Bambi

Dark Days Of Summer

2009-07-14T15:03:00.001-05:00

I’m not going to pretend anymore this week. I don’t have anything uplifting to say to you that will make the world feel like an easier place to love, or an explaination of why I think things happen because frankly I have no idea.
I don’t like to dwell on the past, it just seems there are a few dates in the matter of a year that sneak up on me, and once they get close I can feel them breathing down my neck with a ridgid force of darkness. There isn’t much I can do really, not to avoid this date.

Five years it will be, July 17, 2003 at 1:10pm when my mom took her life, to ‘save’ us from watching her die in the hospital. I’ve grown a lot in five years. Learned a lot about humanity in general, learned to love myself for who I am and not what I see others think of me, or tell me I am. I’ve raised a child as a single mother and watched her single father do the same from a distance. She’s the light at the end of the dark hallway when it feels like you can’t run fast enough to get away from whatever it is that follows you, once you reach her, she takes it all away and causes nothing but peace.

Jaida will be with her dad for the next several days, taking my light, leaving me here alone in this cave of darkness wondering around clueless trying to figure out when, just WHEN this emotion will stop and go away or at least subside!
I cut all my hair off the other day. I feel like a pixie and I like it. I see the reaction in others eyes, the lie when they say it’s ok, or they think it’s cute. It makes me smile inside because just then, as the glimmer of a lie flickers from their eyes and glances another direction I feel her hand on my shoulder laughing with me, telling me that I am still me, no matter what I do to my hair (of course she would have hated it to be honest… “what about your long soft angelic hair” she’d say) to which has been gone so long now I hardly remember or care what I looked like with such beautiful locks.

I keep taking pictures, trying to prove that what I see in the mirror isn’t really as dark as it is when I see it. So I snap – I look, waiting for the right picture to show you guys that shows my hair how I love it so much right now. Nothing, the dark is still here……… hovering in my eyes, tears balled up behind them and a clinch in my throat seemingly permanent. Anyways, here is my hair cut.

I can’t help but look so hard, trying to find the light I know is there, the light I’ve worked on for so many years to know that it is myself I love, and all else follows but it’s not there today, it hasn’t been there but will return in a matter of a week.
I know some of my readers have lost a parent. One of you (cp) seem to have the same painful anniversaries as I do with our moms, and Suzy and her dad- she just has a funnier way of speaking of him. She is after all a comedian though, she gets paid for that shit.  right Suzy?? 

So here it is, what it feels like to me – when the anniversary of the day she died approaches:
I’m standing in a dark place, unable to see anything around me, unaware of where I really am or if this is only a dream. I bend down slowly to feel the hard cold earth beneath my feet. I begin to crawl with my hands outstretched in every direction, reaching for something… anything to grasp that will tell me where I am, show me that I’m ok and in a familiar place. I hear echos in the distance, drops of water? The whistling of the wind? I still look so hard and see nothing but pitch black. Finally my finger tips pass something, drawing my entire body in that direction. I put both hands out to feel the object in front of me, it is but a wall, wet, cold muddy wall, the same as the ground I had just lifted myself from. I begin to follow the wall, as if a blind person would with no guidance but their hands. I realize where I am now. it’s a cave. The deepest, darkest, coldest cave I have ever experienced. I begin to cry, feeling lost and totally alone. I don’t know which direction to go, because I simply cannot see anything. I don’t know what to feel except utter panic and my breath begins to shorten and my chest grows tight until my legs get weak and I sit down to collect my thoughts.

I’ve lost something, I don’t know where I am, what I’m doing and I don’t have the energy to go any further from here. Then I hear voices. Not just echos of water dropping to the muddy earth but to my left I hear voices. I sit quietly trying to understand what they are saying, I begin to crawl slowly in the direction of the sounds with one arm in front of me, to keep me from hitting anymore walls. I can hear the voices getting closer, yet I still cannot see. I am beginning to make out what they are saying, it is not many voices, just one……… one every familiar voice. I realized suddenly where I am. Who that was. What she was saying and it made no sense. “please take care of the animals” she muttered.
I sat back against the cold wet wall of the cave and held my head between my legs, tears streaming from my face. I knew where I was…. Again, every year I hear the same thing….. and so I sit, crying, listening to her read the note she left me
“Please take care of the animals. Bambi, I’m so sorry for this pain- but baby were not the nuts, just care takers! Suckers with lots of pitty for the pitiful. You stay strong girl! (detail left out for personal reasons) It is time for me to go, be free. PS- Do not kill yourself for others hurting your heart so bad”
The last words she whispers to me as the voice begins to fade away again ‘The value of time…. How true’
My breath falls to short quick pants and my eyes grow heavy, the tears falling now so fast they have literally become a stream and I realize the drops I’d been hearing were not water falling from the cave walls at all, but my own tears in echo that even I never saw coming. The day is here again, and in this cave I will stay. Feel safe, cry where nobody can see me, write when nobody can bother me, yell because sometimes it’s frustrating to have your only mother and best friend gone for the rest of your life, only visiting you in a silent dream when she feels it necessary. I lay down in on the hard cold earth, still unable to see anything and settle into the darkness that has taken over my eyes. I close them softly as my tears carress me to sleep…….
To Be Continued….

Happy Birthday Sparkle ON!!!

2009-07-11T12:17:00.003-05:00

The sun is bright today, trees glowing with almost a florescent hue. The breeze is soft against my skin. I close my eyes and imagine for just a moment that I’m not here, but on a beach. I can hear the waves swirling and tickling the sand. I can taste the salt from the ocean caress my lips and suddenly I can feel the warmth of the ocean spray. I realize, I’m not at the ocean, but still here, standing on my front porch. I open my eyes and am still surrounded by beauty, only the beauty of country side. This time, one by one drops fall on my shoulders sliding slowly downward drawing my attention to the dampness of them lingering on my skin. As if the sky were an opened a car window, the breeze picks up, and large warm drops of water begin to race to the earth hitting me faster, harder and covering more now than just my shoulders.

One cloud. One single lonely cloud sits above me in the sky without a hint of darkness. Almost like a huge cotton ball just floating. From it pouring what felt like tears in a straight path towards the earth covering the ground causing the most amazing scent. Natures tears? Maybe, Happy Moment? I’m going to guess, because with a day this beautiful the only reason to cry would be from pure joy.
The cloud drifts off trailing with it the rain drops, still in a race for earth. I can hear them in an almost musical pattern as they bounce off the steel roof, and roll down to the ground. My arms are warm, and wet, my feet bare surrounded by earths soft touch. The sun is still there, having never left my sight. The large warm drops slowly disappear into the beautiful blue sky leaving me warm, happy and full of sensation that only nature can bring to my soul.

(wow this is an old picture!!!!! One of my favs of me and Brianne though!)

It’s the weekend- I’m off to take my daughter to the pool and chat with my BFF Brianne all day until we just can’t stand it anymore, followed by a night of cocktails and bonfires while roasting hot dogs in the beauty of the summer evening.

Happy Birthday Jenni-
Today is your birthday. It is not only the one holiday that we reserve the right to celebrate as our own but the single most important holiday (to me) because without it, you wouldn’t be here. I can’t tell you how much you’ve done for me in the short few years that we’ve become friends. It’s not often you find someone in mid life that you know is a soul sister- typically those are found at an early age and can only be proven your sister when you’re 30 talking about your kids. But not you- you’re defiantly my sister or at least in another lifetime. Sometimes I don’t think you see the beauty you bring to the world around you and I watch your eyes grow sad and cold. Other days your sparkle is so bright it is blinding and can make even the unhappiest of people smile, at least at your pink hair! Between you and a few others, I think you’ve kept me on the right track – reminded me when I fall in that dark hole of life that I have to find the strength to crawl back up and when I get there, you’re going to be ready to bitch me out, and dust me off. I couldn’t be more thankful. I hope today, of all days that you glow like the beautiful soul you are, that all of your dreams come true and the true love you have found in the man that is so meant for you will continue to make your soul grow and shine. I love you with all my heart my friend and would never hesitate to do even the silliest thing for you. So, tonight… after the pool- since you got tattoos in a prom dresss for Briannes birthday, I’ll be right here, ratting her hair out and making her take at least one walk down spring street looking like a member of the old school Motley Crew. I love you both more than you can ever imagine. So I’ll send you pictures of her hair once we get done with sun worship- Again, happy birthday my friend.

To the rest of you beautiful people reading the post today- have a super weekend. I hope your soul grows just a little more, you find something to relish in a moment and a smile to stay no matter what. Cheers – Happy weekend

Thunderous Thursday

2009-07-09T21:14:00.003-05:00

It's not often that I can lay awake at night not thinking at all. Visions and dreams, conversations and emotions rushing through my veins to the point it sometimes burns. In the past few months my passion for life seems to go up, then down then up then down and for me, it's not normal. It really isn't. I guess it is the upcoming date -8 days from now that scares me. Maybe I dont know how to handle five years without my best friend. In any case, the next tattoo- the five year is being created in my mind, i wish now I could put my words into a picture and tell the entire story.

There are certain times in life, maybe an era, a day, an entire month or just an hour that it looks and feels like NOTHING we do can possibly go our way… the more positive you think, the harder you work to make things better for others, the more disappointed and difficult things become. I guess there are just times in our lives when we have to admit defeat, wave the white flag and just breath in as deep as we can. Stop, for as long as our minds will let us and asses the situation for what it really is. Life.

I don’t think life is easy, don’t get me wrong. I have figured out that no matter what happens in life though, it is defiantly worth it.

The thing about it is, without the hard times and the sad days... the beautiful sunny ones wouldn't be as appreciated would they? Without the loss of a loved one, we wouldn't know the importance of those we still have on a day to day basis. Without the loss of love, how would you ever know you felt it - and once you find it again.... you'll know because it will far outweigh the first time.

All things do happen for a reason- Though Im out of the creative banter this morning and wish to leave you with a poem (if you've read this long) you have already read- but the cool part is when a good friend blogger turned it into a song:

Lost in Translation
Walking through this lifetime

my head up on the clouds.

I wonder through the streets at night

as if i'm wrapped in shrouds.

Looking in the mirror

i see a different face

not knowing just exactly when

but another time, another place.

She has the brightest look in her eyes

the smoothest grin on her face

she turns away from me then,

she's gone without a trace.

I know her soul, as if it were my own,

I see her sitting there tied tightly to her thrown.

Thinking to herself at night,

about the life she once left behind

how one time the world felt right

it just wasn't the right kind.

and so i stumble patiently,

along this curvy path

Not knowing how the signs should read

They're not written on my map.

I hear her voice, and feel her pain

her image i cannot seem to find

i hold my head up to the rain

searching for piece of mind.

And so it goes, and carrys on

this simple life of mine

i'll find that girl, i saw back then

another place and time.

For now she hides beneath a smile

held softly on my face

for i know that all the while

Shes me, in a whimsical place!

Week Two Of Hiatus

2009-07-05T14:44:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the abrupt absence. I cannot even begin to tell you how long the past several weeks have been in what was or has been an otherwise peaceful life. I could start with the small things, like realizing this is my last year to be in my twenties, but then I nearly saw a 19 year old boy die from alchohol poisoning while others twice my age only stood and watched as he gagged blood and threw up bile totally unresponsive. I'm not sure if it was really because he knew my voice or because it was a lucky moment, but he opened his eyes grabbed my face, like any young kid would do, tried to kiss me ( i think?) and threw up in my face. He's alive though- he started breathing again after that and spent hours in the hospital. He's alive, hes just fine now, and I will never again ignore a minor drinking..... That is something as a parent that you just dont get out of your head. The entire time all you can think about is how your five year old will be celebrating going to a great college, what if she does this? What if, there isn't someone who cared enough to lay on the dock trying to wake him up while he vomited and weased- what if nobody helped MY daughter?

I have met so many more people the past few weeks. Spent time with new friends, laughed hard with old friends and even mended fences with enemies from the past. As I sit here, yet again unwilling to communicate with the outside world, shocked from days of what i can only assume with some of the actions of people around me is a cosmic shift, I want to yet again, crawl back in my hole. Not answer to anyone, take the battery out of my phone, take a few days off work and just stay right here..... in my heaven... holding my daughter- telling her how much i love her every second until she can't stand it anymore and pushes me away to make me laugh. With my dogs by my side who dont ask me questions or care if I talk to them as long as they are by my side. My cat who apparently loves me so much has started to lick my nose while i sleep- WTF is that all about... THAT is a weird feeling to wake up too!

I lost my voice for a few days... twice now that is. unable to have a normal conversation without sounding like a strangled cat... i'm exhausted. Life has caught up with me... leaving my house and my heaven has caused my eyes to open to the reality of the world that is this......... beautiful, but only if you stay around those who see it the same. Soft... but only when the souls you allow in your life are present and not dark. Fun... when everyone is happy and smiles and summer can be what it is supposed too.

I'll be back to myself and my regular blogging soon, if not full force tomorrow. I have though, in my absence enjoyed the sun- fully with every cell of my body. Laughed, with the deepest of tickle in my gut and celebrated life of even those I barley know.

It's busy, this life is....... non stop go go go ... people expect so much- and you can't give it to them all, all of the time.... so I'm working on it, one by one... I promise you all...........and for those worried sending me messages asking where I went.......... I'm fine. I am just stuck in the rut of reality and preparing to put myself right back into my bubble.... where life is beautiful and my birthday is coming in a month.

I'm done with the negatives in my life. the people who can't come up with a positive thing to say to or about another person without turning around and making fun of them like a school kid. I'm done with the people who care more about if they might get in trouble, than the life of boy on the verge of a wonderful college career. I'm done with the people who speak words of emptiness and pain only to never do what they say or follow through. I'm done.......with the bad, the ugly and the souless people in this lifetime.

I'm ready for the rest of my life :) Good Day Sunshine! I'm off to have lunch with a friend in the town that makes my soul smile. Peace out..............

Fantastic Fathers and Fortunate People

2009-06-21T18:30:00.004-05:00

Since Mothers Day is still a hard day to swallow, even after of these years... Fathers Day is really a day of true appreciation in my life. I am surrounded by so many wonderful people in my life that it is days like today when you stop to look around at not only your father, or step father, but the fathers in your life who have raised, are raising or someday will be fabulous fathers.

Obviously Papa wins award number one. Without him in my life since I was my daughters age, I wouldn't have the respect I do for hard working men/veterans of war/or true undying love.

I watched Papa as I grew up, treat my mother like the queen. My mom was never that woman who needed much in the way of pampering but it didn't really matter, because papa went out of his way to take care of her. I think it laid a lot of ground work in my soul when it comes to seeing love in a couples eyes and nothing makes me happier than to see two people happy... genuinely happy. I am more thankful for him than he might ever know, though i try to tell him and show him as often as possible. Afterall, when my battery died the other day, leaving me stranded here on this beautiful mountain my otherwise busted bubble... it was he who drove an hour, bought me a battery and put the new one in. I love you papa.

To my biological father- who by all accounts was never truly raised with a lot of love, from what I can tell.. he sure does TRY hard to figure out how to love me. He didn't raise me, but he helped my step mom raise my beautiful sisters (gorgeous twins!!) and honestly they are amazing and even if he doesn't think so, he had a little hand in how they turned out. I dont have the closest relationship with him, and for so many reasons not even worth mentioning, no matter how much emotional pain i've been caused through words... and only words... the most painful kind of hurt you can inflict on someone you love... it doesn't change the fact that he is my father and i love him with all my heart.

It's not often that a girl gets not one, but two dads. Bikers at that and both with big hearts and two totally different persona lites. I am lucky in every single way, shape and form to have them both in my life and without a mother, it makes it even THAT much more important to be sure they know they are loved.

Marriage doesn't always work out. When you're young you think what you have will last forever, and just as quickly as people fall in love, they can fall out of love too. The fact is, we are ever changing, no matter how old we get (inside and out- IF you let your soul age lol) and people grow in different directions. Obviously not many divorces often end in happy friendships, but when you share a child together it is very important to communicate, at least once in a while even if only about your child- if you dont, you end up missing things while they grow up when they're on weekend with the other parent and no matter who comes into your life, people should understand that bond. Sure, Jaida's father and I have had a few rough times, but to be straight honest with you I couldn't be more thankful for him to be the father of my wonderful baby girl.

I think it takes a special man to be a good father. One of those sayings that really hits home is 'any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy' and Adam is by every account in the book, a wonderful daddy to our child. I see her brown eyes and they glisten with the up most joy and happiness and it's not just because I'm a good mother, it's because she has two good parents and she too will someday look back and be very happy and fortunate she had us both. BUT we all know there is a special bond between a daddy and his little girl. Mommy always has to be the bad guy, but how in the world can a big soft hearted daddy look into his own daughters eyes that reflect his own eyes and say no... truth is, i dont think he does a whole lot- and well... it's ok with me :)

I sit here and think about all of my friends who are fathers now, the cute little boys and girls they have, the silliness that you see come out in their eyes when they re children scrape a knee, or fall asleep on their chest. I know a LOT of wonderful fathers. Some of them i see as extent ions of my own family. Annies Dad- though we're not close anymore.... when i see him i still remember growing up there, being scared shit less of his loud voice until finally realizing he was just deaf HA HA- Briannes Dad who gave me my first job on their golf course at 15- and taught me what it was like to see the sunrise when the rest of my friends were sleeping in. He tells jokes like nobody else i know and truth be told, her parents are definatly in my book as my parents too (along with Annies mom and dad... but Betty just goes without saying)

I sit here and think about the people who most likley wish Fathers Day never existed. The ones who lost their fathers no matter if it were little Kenny who took his own life weeks ago, or Ray who passed and broke everyones heart the day before his Steelers kicked my Cowboys asses. (I know he had something to to with that). I know both of those families today have shed more than a few tears, maybe even been angry at the fact that everyone else gets to wrap their arms around their father on this day or at least talk to them in some way. I hope they felt the spirits of their loved ones as I know they do drop in from time to time to be sure you ok. I hope the day ends in peace for them and a smile knowing they're not really gone just not all that visable.

It is in every tear drop that rolls off my cheek that makes me happy and sad all in one tiny moment. My house is quiet. It is just me and my animals (under my feet following me from room to room today) I spent all of yesterday and some of the morning with my papa at the lake with friends- I am fortunate.

For two hours now, i've laid here. Staring up at my ceiling fan yet again, watching it as if any moment something miraculous will happen. Today is not just Fathers Day, today is the first day of Summer. Summer has a different feeling than spring, it is almost as if over night the sun got hotter, my energy level sky rocketed and my soul grew just a little bit more. It is silent in here for now, only the soft humming of the fan spinning and spinning overhead.

Something big is coming. I've been told this by two psychics 3 people i've only met through blogging and well the most valid one.. my own instinct. I dont know what it is yet, but it's pretty damn strong and it's headed this direction. I think all of these years of paying for my Karma in my last life is getting ready to pay me off- maybe... just maybe...

I should be working today. Yes, it's Sunday but I have a lot of things to do for JHA. I'm going to just get up early and do them though, i'm going to relax tonight. Unplug my laptop from the WWW and sit downstairs in my bed with it open looking me in the face. Tonight, I'm going to pick back up on one of my books i've started. Likley not the childrens book, as i'm a deeper mood today even though my writing doubtfully reflects much of that today through random back and fourth like always. After sitting in my tub for a good soak, in the quiet of my bedroom, over looking the most beautiul part of Arkansas and the friendliest wildlife imaginable, i'm going to write at least a chapter in my head, or try before putting it to paper.

Tonight might be the best chapter of the the thriller i have yet to tell anyone i've been writting until just now. Surprise... it's not the memoirs of my life, or the story of the catipillar but something a little on the dark side, with a tad of a romantic twist and maybe some built in fate... Guess we'll see.

Have a peaceful day today. Hug your dad, or call him.. hell send him a text message if you're anything like I am at the moment and have no voice with which to speak verbally. Be thankful, for every father in your life. Not just yours... but your childrens, or your best friends, even the life long friendships that now turn to kid dates on a Saturday at the lake. Not everyone has a father, not in their lives, not everyone has a good father, but the truth is... you shouldn't have to look far for a man in your life you can say is a wonderful father, with wonderful children.

Much love to the fathers who read my blog- I hope you had the most delicious ribs for dinner, or T-bone... or salad.. whatever... and you're laying on the couch in your favorite position, remote in the right hand beverage in the left looking around at your beautiful family being thankful that someone created this day for you. As always, may the sun rest upon your face with the softness and beauty that brings a tear to your eye and a smile to your face. Until tomorrow....

Fa Fa Finally... Friday!

2009-06-19T15:18:00.002-05:00

Another sunny day! Summer soltice is around the corner (Sunday) along with Fathers Day of course. What better day to bring in a new season than the day we thank our Fathers. I really dont have a way to thank Papa- so i'll make him some ribs, afterall i think food is really the best gift you can give... cheese for me, meat for him... whatever. I'll send my bio a text message letting him know I love him, no matter how much he hated my mom and sees me her in me... and by all rights, they are both good dads to their respective children. We all just have different ways of being raised. ON A SIDE NOTE.........

I did more yard work yesterday than i should have. You know, the dancing shadows i was watching... finally inticed me to get my ass off the couch and go outside, causing me to bust into serious worker girl mode... which caused my already fucked up back some real problems this morning, no worries though, i'm just walking around hunched over, not like the other people that live in this area dont do that, only i dont have a walker yet. I bet I could still win a walker race down the hill! The ice cold beer I had in the fridge was much appreciated when I was done working though, i sat on the second balcony of my house looking down at all the work I'd done, thinking... "I wonder if anyone ELSE can tell i've done anything" and "geesus I need a about a month off work, a truck load of ready mix and about 8 huge men to do this shit because this is tough all alone. The month off would be so I could stand and point... the redi mix is to keep the fucking rocks from collapsing down the hill, keeping my 'natural steps and walls' in place and the 8 huge men are to do the dirty work while i point. Mr. Tulsa isn't huge, and frankly he'd be just as good pointing with me while drinking a beer than lifting heavy things... like rocks.

It has been a long week. Maybe because the beauty of every day is so inviting it is hard to focus on work, and I begin to drift off in my mind to places like Fiji, or the river... or even the HOliday Island pool (because i'm sure they are ALL comparable to Fiji! HA HA) It has been a wonderful day though, I put up two new hummingbird feeders, one of which is next to me right now on the window and i've been able to watch hummingbirds all day long. After reading Suzys post today about saving a baby hummingbird, and well... you should just check her out, she's a riot! http://wherehotcomestodie.blogspot.com/ it made me wonder if someday i'll be that old lady on the hill, with a million hummingbird feeders staring out the window constantly, petting my cat and listening to both of my dogs snore..... then i realized that is EXACTLY what I am right now. AND i love it.

I'm off to laze around the pool with the girls (and of course Jenni's boys) but Brianne is on her way and we're all going to chil pool side before kickin up our heels on my balcony... i wonder if they will notice the work i did? LOL doubtful! Tommorrow is a day at the lake HOPEFULLY with Papa and some people from work, but you never really know, it might just be me getting drunk in the sun with the co workers.... whatever, i love speed boats! I have nothing creative for you today, my mind hoped on the back of a skunk and hauled ass for the woods... i have no idea when it will be back. It's Friday though, no need for deep thoughts. OR EDITING. i'm not even spell checking this post.... (and right now you're thinking, does she ever???)

Have a fabulous weekend my friends, happy fathers day to all you readers who managed to create a miracle in this crazy ass world of ours, and even moreso if you managed to keep them fed! To the father of my daughter- even though i dont think he can read this anymore... Happy Fathers Day... Thank you for OUR very own miracle, god knows i couldn't have done THAT on my own! :) peace out my friends... much love to you all this glorius weekend... maybe you should take time to thank your God for it, or gods, or Godess, or Mother Nature, or Universal power... whatever you chose to call the 'miracle that is life' Thank it! Cheers

Dancing Shadows Caress My Mind

2009-06-18T14:55:00.004-05:00

Laying on the couch in a wonderland of thoughts. Watching the trees dance so gracefully out the window, creating shadows that appear to be that of dancing lovers. The sun beats down on my feet as it blazes through the window pane draping me in a comfortable heat. The ceiling fan on full blast, causing the small transparent hairs to swirl from my bangs into my eyes and back again to my forehead. It feels like a dream world.

My mind never stops racing, one subject to another, to another and on it goes. My body feels weak and carefree to any option of standing up to do any number of the things my mind suggests. I close my eyes, to rest my mind and see nothing but flickering lights behind my eye lids, again with the dancing lovers, the trees swaying as if listening to a melody only they can hear. So much to do, i think to myself as my eyes slowly drift closed again, and my body feels heavy as if sinking into the cushons little by litte. The fan above seems to be going faster and faster, to the point I can no longer focus on one blade at a time but one continous white blur and my eyes close finally.

Wishing for rest, undeniably exhausted but for what reason? Cooking brings a smile to my face, my heart and my stomach, yet today the sheer thought of it makes me more tiered, and less interested. I need a hammock. the voice in my heart seemed to muster with all the energy it had to give. I want to lay outside in the sun, naked, in a hammock and rest for the remainder of the suns hours. I want to fall asleep in mid air, watching quietly as the leaves caress one another, whispering and swaying as if the most magical of moments were taking place right here, behind my eyelids.

I think I shall get dressed... dig out a credit card and purchase a hammock today. I think it would be a wise investment. At least a nice long sun chair to hold me up from the baking of the wood surrounding my house holding me up.

My eyes are closed again, images of stores in the area that would have these items for me, ready to go, no assembly required. I dont think i have the energy. The one chair i would love to see put in around here......... Star Bucks.

have a peaceful day my friends. Cheers!

The Beatles... and My Bubble

2009-06-17T09:40:00.006-05:00

I've spent a lot of time in my life trying to do nice things for other people. NOT because the good deeds I do in this life are going to make my next life that much better, but because it just feels right as a human and even if nobody notices, which is more fun when they dont, It makes my heart smile. So now that the 'cheese' is out for the day here is a super duper wonderful thing that happened to me yesterday (and NO, not the odd weakness and near panic attack)

I had been laying in the bathroom floor of the handicap stall here at work. Yes, I know, that sounds pretty fucking disgusting, but the bathrooms here, in my defense are cleaned nightly and very well i might add. Not that it mattered much because the floor was cold and it felt good to just lay there feet from the toilet on my blanket vs. sitting in my cubical praying that i didn't get sick on my WAY to the bathroom .... a fucking mile accross the building. I was in there for a good 20 minutes until i realized that people were going to know exactly who i was... my red heels were hanging out of the door. Not too many people get real creative with shoes around here... probably just Jenni and I truth be told... oh and the princesses! (they have bad ass shoes)

ANYWAYS- short story made super duper long someone did something super nice for me... out of the blue... Karma paid me back yesterday... I got back to my seat to find a VHS (yes you read that right) of the Beatles, and a book called Shout laying in my chair:

Now, if you know me at ALL, you probably figured out that no matter how shitty i felt, i nearly screamed loud enough to bust the glass out of the entire building. Surprises from people out of the blue are the best kind of surprise, espeically when you know by the gift that they thought of YOU. I was barley over the goosebumps and holding back the happy tears when an instant message popped on my screen. "Are you here today?" Immediatly I knew. His name is Phil. I've worked with him since I started working for JHA off a contract over 6 years ago. He is probably in his 50's. He is a very kind hearted man, with a sense of humor like very few of us in this world. He can tell a joke with the best of them and take a joke even better. He is and always has been a single man. Lost his mother only a few years ago (how lucky to have your parents that long) He is balding on top, but has grown the back of his hair out past his shoulders as if to tell society to go to hell in the kindest way. He wears a button down shirt every day, nothing fancy and glasses that appear to be as old as he is. Its not often you find truly genuine people in the work place. Espeically one so full of intelligent people like this one. Around every corner there are people with masters degrees in various departments of the geek world i only understand a tiny amount of. The things these people can do, it truly is amazing and scary at the same time. You can trust that if we handle your banks software... it's in GOOD hands... i promise! Anyways, Phil has been a person i would consider a friend for years now. I dont see him very often, only in passing on the way to the lunchroom, I banter with him about how he should put his hair in pigtails because that would be awesome... he gives me shit about whatever odd clothing i'm wearing or if i have 'caused any trouble laltey'.

I answered the Instant message from him with a very excited "Yes, I'm here... did you leave this Beatles stuff in my chair??" to which he replies "Well, I was cleaning out my library and ran accross that stuff, figured you more than anyone would appreciate it" I nearly busted into tears, ok, ok, truth is I did cry! I think i cry more at work than any other time. I thanked him over and over and over again, as i flipped through the book seeing pictures of the four men who seem to have such a magnetic hold on me, and Lennon was killed the year i was born.........I HAD to lived in the 50-70's in my last life... had to! I'm going home tonight, digging out my VHS player and watching that movie! I plan to shut my phone off.... not that i have paid ANY attention to it for days now... and eating chicken salad on triscuts while watching the most amazing group of men that I would have given anything to see live before the end of their days as a group. I just wish Ringo still took fan mail... because I have a lot to say to him as the most unappreciated Beatle of all. Paul... he's just a cutie and YES i know he could be my father! I am a sucker for big puppy dog eyes! Truth be told, George - other than Lennon was my second favorite though... the man was a beautiful soul with the ability to write songs that make your heart sing, or bleed depending on the expression in his words. RIP to him and John.

So anyways... that is the cool thing that happened yesterday, other than sleeping like a zombie from basically 1-9 then 11-7 this morning. Life stress kicks my ass physically, I dont get it... i really dont.

I took this picture last Friday evening while laying on a blanket in the grass. Jaida and Jenni's boys were blowing bubbles and had apparently blown so much around that area the grass was coated in soap. I find it interesting how something as small as a blade of grass can be so sharp and abraisive, yet hold something as fragile and soft as a bubble.

I live my life in a bubble... I admit that. I like it here. The sun seems to shine just a little bit brighter, the water runs a little clearer and the trees dance just a tad softer. I block out a lot of the ugly things in life in order to keep my bubble softly around me, protecting me from the harsh outside world. Once in a while, that blade of grass slices through my beautiful bubble and causes my heart to bleed for all of the things i've been protected from in side this beautiful world of mine. The reality of finances and pay cuts, bills and fake designer bags. The fact that animals really do get killed in the road, and the meat I can't seem to stop eating didn't 'give it'self to me' someone actually killed it and probaly in a violent manner. The water that rushes under my favorite bridge is probably more poluted than I want to believe, and not by anything other than humans and their inability to care for nature by tossing trash out the window or flushing chemicals into the ground. I get physically ill when my bubble bursts all around me leaving me vulnerable to the real world. Maybe this little world of pure existance doesn't really exist to anyone else, but it does to me. ODD, yes, that I get physically sick when it all builds up and finally hits me like a brick wall.... but it's only a 24 hour illness that i purge and recover from after sleeping like the dead for almost a full day.

I look around and see people totally consumed by the sadness that affects them so deeply on a daily basis that dark rings set in around their eyes brining a dark void to their eyes as if the soul has laid down waving a white flag and it breaks my heart. I plan to eat lunch here in the office today and head back home... to my oasis of serene natural beauty and pure peace on my little piece of heaven, or my bubble of a house. Maybe I shouldn't ignore the shitty things in life, because they build up causing me to hibernate until i build my energy back... but you know something? I would rather spend 24 hours a month sick, weak, sleepy and bland... then every single day without a smile on my face.

I woke up today to the sun shining on my face and my daughters foot on my forehead. I have never been happier to have a foot in my face... in fact that is the ONLY foot allowed close to me! (including my own... i would take them off at the door if i could still walk without them)

It's a beautiful day here in my bubble! The sky is an ocean blue so inviting as to say 'welcome back my friend', the air smells sweet with a hint of summer just around the corner as if to remind me spring is packing it's bags and heading away. I have a Beatles movie calling my name in the sexiest of British accents and a book with a few pictures that i'm not sure i've seen before along with a 'biography' of the men whos voices echo in my soul and bring a smile to my heart. I hope your day is full of laughter and smiles, calm peaceful rest or just a cheerful feeling. I hope your bubble shows the true reflection of the world to be nothing more than beautiful and the ugliness that looms in the wake of every day, never can catch up with you! Have a supurb afternoon peeps.

Terrifying Tuesday

2009-06-16T12:30:00.002-05:00

Yep... you read that right. EVERY single thing about this car/place/sayings scare the living shit out of me... keeping in mind the man who does all this is a goat herder. I dont even know what to say anymore, i just laugh to myself.......... then cringe at the thought.

I dont feel so hot - i'm heading to my dads to lay down before i fall down. Peace out peeps

It's been ONE HELL OF A DAY.. in my life.

2009-06-15T16:20:00.003-05:00

Turns out the Prada I got and was so proud of being the first REAL designer I purchased.... was fake. AFter i sold it I found that out- NICE. So i tell the lady who sold it to me.... that the authetication cards for it are to two other prada purses... she replies with 'we nearly got in trouble for selling them as real and now call them replicas'... WTF? FUCK YOU- dammit. Financially things couldn't be worse.. but whatever... so i get home yesterday, do some cleaning on the house, as i go out to throw a bag of trash away, there is an opossum sleeping in the bottom of my trashcan. SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME. I left him there... not wanting to get bit. When i went to take the trash out today, there he was........ STILL snoozing. I tried to get him to move but he just looked at me like 'what?'

So I let him sleep a few more hours and then dumped him out. WHAT??? He stinks and i needed to throw the damn trash away.

Remember last Monday, when i said i should stay in bed on Mondays? Well, today just proves that theory correct. On top of the financial shit, and the vermin napping in my trash can (he didn't bother me, but his smell did) I went to get in my car to pick up my daughter, and my damn car battery is dead. Wouldn't be a huge deal if i didn't live in the middle of the ARKANSAS mountains. So anyways, today is one of the two set aside 'bad days' for me. I plan to sit here and cry until my dad gets here with a new battery AND my daughter. Of course his other daughter never has to pay him back. Why would she? She doesn't work, doesn't even try to.... still makes him pay all her bills and for her daughter to go to child care during the day to which i say again......... why.. WTF do you do during the day? She doesn't even blog! :) (now that was funny) So i'm sure he'll expect me to pull money out of my ass, money that i dont have. The change I managed to scrap up today (all ones and quarters... boooyah) will likley have to go to him- i mean he does have to support two house payments yadda yadda.... at least I finally grew balls and told him I can't afford to pay his phone bill anymore.... that was ridiculous! So... shitty damn day over here on my side of the world. But... as you know, i have to find something beautiful.. and I did.... so here are a few pictures i just took of my flowers, and they made me smile. Nature amazes me and always seems to brighten up the world. I hope you all had a better Monday than I did. I'll post again tomorrow!

Uhm, dont get mad buuuuuut...........

2009-06-12T16:57:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was the typical day here in Eureka Springs once we got home from Monett. Like most days, I picked the kiddo up at 4 and had to run some errrands. After that we headed to see Nicole and Tim but really it's been months since we'd seen Kael, their little boy. Before we went over to their house Jaida and I stopped at Sonic. We both got a cherry slushy and shared some cheddar bites. By the time we got there, we were minutes away from Tim arriving home with the little bundle........ who is now almost a full grown man (seriously no doubt he's a boy, you know... some kids look like girls and visa versa) this kid is all BOY and he's not even a year yet. We hung around for a while listening to him coo and very cleary say "I love you" but not with words, just the tone. It was something i've never seen such a small person do before. AMAZING.

Jaida and I hit a few of our favorite back roads before heading down the only highway that gets us home. The radio up as loud as we could get it (to drown our our tone deaf voices) and each had a hand out the window. The young boys in the truck in front of us must have thought it was really something, considering they peered at us through the rear view mirrors and gave the peace sign as they turned. Of course Jaida, being the socialite she is, gave the peace sign right back as she knodded, not missing a beat of the song! The ride home through Roaring River was gorgeous yesterday- the music was good, like non stop hits from the 70s and really to me - it doesn't get better than that. The air was moist and hot but the breeze through the valleys cool enough to leave the windows down and give you a rush as it blows your hair back in a whirlwind of energy.

We quickly ran to our house, swipped the bad ass 15 bean soup I had made (cajun style... yummm) to take to Jenni and the boys and headed into town. It wasn't long of course before my stomach was growling like a wild animal and Jaida too was hungry again. Where else would I order emergency food from - The Lovin Oven! They delievered to us just in time.

As the three of us girls sat out back in the cool of the evening, lightning bugs began to dance. Lighting almost in unison only to dissapear then show back up 5 feet away. Jaida sat on a lawn chair, her eyes sleepy from the long day, yet grease dripping down her chin from the pizza she held in her small hands. "How do you like school?" Jenni said to her. Apparently Jaida, who was in a daze by now... sleep deprivation and 'firefly's'. I repeaded the question to Jaida and she knodded in agreement "I like it". "Tell her about the new friend you made today", I said. "Michael?" she replied with that curious look about her face. "Yeah, is he your boyfriend?" i had to ask, because what fun to joke around with a five year old about that anyways, they get so defensive! Not this time though, she turns around with a very matter of fact look on her face and says "He's not my boyfriend mommy, Garrett is my boyfriend........ remember?" but before i could reply she says something that I will remember for the rest of my life, and dread with years to come.

Sitting up straight in the chair, cocking her head to the side. Her red little face glistened with sweat and her hair was dramatically matteed to her skull. She begins talking with her hands. This, is when you know they are serious... little ones... when they bust out the hand gesture.

"Uhm, ok... well... Don't get mad buuuuuuutttt well I hugged him" she says holding her hands clasped together tightly and sitting on her knees. My face must have been totally blank, I'm not sure I even blinked for a few minutes. I was in utter shock at what had come out of her mouth, meanwhile invisioning the coming years and the things that would follow that very sentence as she grows older: Dont get mad butt.... I wrecked your car, got kicked out of Spanish class, got caught sneaking out of XX's house, Have after school detention... and we all know it gets worse than that...

So she hugged Garrett. Jenni proceeded to try to carry on the conversation by pretending to be mad. Afterall, that deserved some kind of reaction.....and mommy was still green in the face with horrible futuristic scenerios racing through her head to even breath.

Once I snapped out of it, it was funny. I had to ask her "what did Garrett say when you hugged him?" to which her reply was very 'matter of factly' (because that is how she answers almost everything) "He said thank you, I'm gonna go play now, i'm done with my pizza".

Jenni and I sat in a silent gut splitting laughter for several minutes before discussing what our first "mom, dont be mad" was.... frankly i'm glad she broke me in with a hug... but she's also only 5!

So in short, I was shown a quick glimpse into what it is going to be like as my now cute and adorably animated daughter, turns into a bigger child, then a teenager and heaven help me she's going to be a knock out! I remember now why as I got older my mom always told me she appreciate the days in school when I was (of course pretty to her... yeah right) a bit 'homley' with my long fawn like legs, huge knee caps and David Letterman split between my teeth. My 'indian' lump in my nose was so large I couldn't see either way without totally turning my head and it was all I could do to walk and talk let alone chew gum at any given moment without falling and bleeding at the knee. Frankly my friends, I'm scared to death of what will come. I can only hope that between the fear her father will instill in the boys, and the kean intelligence to be totally grossed out by cooties (I plan to start this strategy as soon as i finsih writting) that she will continue to pick her nose (because of course i'm going to tell her boys LIKE that... surly it will detour them a few more years) that talking to them will only make you grow facial hair on your forehead. and last but not least if all else fails, pick the booger and all be damned... eat it! Hey, dont judge me... unless of course you have a daughter, in which case you can't tell me you havne't told them every trick in the book to keep them away from boys... right?

Id love to hear any advice you might have in the way of raising a beautiful young woman.........I dont have my mom around to ask, and when I think about things she did to me... they seem really super sadistic compared to booger eating! I'm surprised I even like boys now! :)

It's been an eventful day here on the hill - tornado warnings, a little tiny bit o' hail and an assload of rain, now we have plenty of beautiful sunshine beconing to me to get off my ass and come visit so I think that's exactly what i'll do. I've made spaghetti and plan to go to Roaring River with Jaida, Jenni and her boys to have a nice nature dinner and let the kids blow off some steam while playing in the muddy grass and swing set. In any case.... have a beautiful day- I have. Cheers- to five year olds and the things they say to give us heart failure.

Thankful Thursday!~ (It makes more sense than things that make me laugh today)

2009-06-11T11:35:00.004-05:00

Ah, This week seems to be flying by... of course I say that NOW, while face first in a seven pound taco salad! I tell you what, I have eaten at least 8 full meals the last two days and all be damned if i cant get full. It's about to kill the button on my jeans, at any minute now I fully expect it to pop off and richochet off the cubical wall landing in my eye........ I'll keep you updated, or maybe i'll unbutton my pants?? WAit, CAN that be sexual harassment in the workplace? I better not i guess.

I woke up today as hungry as an ethiopian. I dont say that out of FUN or that I dont feel sorry for those people, but literally. I ate two crackers and thought i was going to blow up! I thought at first that 'Finally, those two crackers filled the 'spot' that has caused me to eat like a growing pony the past few days' but, no.... here i sit, still not able to eat fast enough... or enough period! So it's finally Thursday and since I have nothing wittier to tell you today otehr than the fact that my wasteline is expanding at an alarming rate - here we are with my Thursday Thankful List:

* I am thankful for stretchy jean material, even though i'm not wearing stretchy jean material today........WTF was I thinking? I knew I should have saved some maternity clothes for days like this!

* Mrs. Kaiser- My daughters Kindergarten 'summer school' teacher. If not for her, my daughter would be a total mess all day at school (and likly still stuck to my leg as i sit here). This isn't funny, not in the least. She cries every morning when i drop her at school... not because, like me, all the kids make fun of her name... NO... why? Well, it's because everyone is bigger than her... everything is big! :) so cute... So this morning while sitting in the Gym that I once graced with my ugly duckling presents with at her age. I looked across to the North wall to see the Eagle, the school mascot, but not just any eagle... THE same eagle that was there, that the seniors had painted the year I came to school (second grade) I'm almost 29 peeps- seriously... time to redo the mascot?? I think so! In any case trying to get my daughter off my leg, I pointed to it. Told her that it was there when I was in school and asked her how old she thought it was...... to which she replied "I dunno, 800?" Yep... That's right Jaida- Mommy turns 800 this year, and DAMMN do I look goooooood! :) (Someone roll me off a cliff if I live to see 75... seriously)

* I'm so super Thankful for my follwers- shallow? Maybe? But i'm up to 42 and damn proud of that. I will tell you all... I visit your blogs at least once a week even if i dont always comment. Somehow one of my favorite bloggers the Sass is gone from my RSS feed so now I have to manually go see her, what a crock of shit that is! :) Kidding Sass- but really... for some reason your RSS is blocked from me here at work... did you go all XXX on us?? :) AND those of you who read all the time, and comment to me on email, or text or IM... would you PLEASE just sign up already and be a follower... it makes me feel special (pink helmet with lightnight strike special)

* At this very moment, i'm very thankful that my stomach has decided to turn me a bit sick vs. actually eating the rest of this damn taco salad... really... I think i might throw up- eat more crap Bambi- can't you tell it's good for you!!

* Thankful for the days when I work IN the office. Why- Well lemme tell ya: 1. I appreciate my home more. 2. I get to see all the people I used to see, but sadly spend most of my day catching up with them- so case in point, i am more productive when i work from home! 3. I am reminded so often how different my life would be right now had things worked out how I planned for three years... I'm thankful that life chose a different path for me 4. The drive here is beautiful and makes me thankful for where I live! 5. I'm thankful I get to work at home!!!! 6. Did I mention working from home is much better on me production wise? 7. But... all that said, it's still nice to see my friends here at work.

*I'm thankful for the rain- because after the past two weeks of thinking i mysteriously moved to Seattle and didn't know it, the days when the sun comes out (like right now) make the week of grey clouds and tornado warnings much more bearable and cheerful.

*I'm thankful for my damn tattoos- all of them... espeically the one I posted a picture of... I dont see it, ever... so.... i thought i'd share with you so I could see it today! ha

It's a beautiful day today- if you didn't already pick THAT up from the last post. I would give my big toe on either foot to be sitting in the sun around the pool, or lake (whatever, it's not like i swim much) with a huge Pina Colada (double shot of course) and sand between my toes, in which case if i were at the pool would make the sand between the toes a bit awkward now wouldnt it???hummmmm... anyways, it sounded nice. Thanks for hanging in there once again to make it through a totally random and a bit of kiltered Thursday. Peace OUT Ya'll.... (as i throw you a gang sign... like i even know a gang sign!)

The Why Is Its of Wednesday

2009-06-10T14:30:00.005-05:00

First I should tell you, incase you wonder.... if i got the job yesterday. Well, after a 15 minute interview things seemed great, the guy, whos name nearly made me throw up on myself because it is Douche Bags name, told me I had the perfect personality to work there and he would go back to have his boss come out for a second interview. Granted, i've not been in the food industry for so long, lets say i was a car hop last time i served food.... and still in high school!! Anyways, after a good wait the guy came back out and said he had talked to his boss and that unless I could work full time nights, that they didn't have any positions at that time, but would keep me on file for an opening to be hostess but didn't have anything right now. On the way out, reminds me i'd have the job if i could work more. Right, i get that! But, fact is I have a full time job 40+ hours a week already and I only need to supliment a pay decrease at work... not lose out on every waking moment of my daughters life, i mean it's already to the point i feel like when she's with her dad for two days that when she comes home she's grown another mile. So, i'll stick to selling ebay stuff until something else comes along. I just wish I had more Prada to sell! So with that said, here are my 'Why is its'

* Why is it, that we can grow so attached to a material item. A bag, we carry it with us to hold our other posessions, meanwhile growing so attached to the bag that we call it a 'her'. My prada took on a personality of her own in a way. The beautiful colors of yellow, orange, green and brown mixed so well that sometimes I felt like the bag was a part of my family. I know, I know, it sounds so shallow. Fact is, it probably is. Letting go of her, packing her away in a box with her dust bag and auth cards sending her to Baltimore was one of the hardest things i've done in a while. When the lady at the post office said to me 'do i need to say a prayer over it too?' I realized just how silly it had been to fall in love with a purse. I had my moment, i'm over it. Now it's time to sell all the rest of the things just sitting around looking pretty in my home!

* Why is it- no matter how many clothes you have in your closet (or lack of) there are some days when absolutly nothing fits right, looks right or feels right? It's as if you are shopping in someone elses closet... wtf!

* Why, when it storms so badly outside that the trees are swaying back and fourth violently nearly touching the ground, the rain is hitting the sliding door at warp speed and the thunder sounds like a train wreck, that I am immediatly reminded of the storm on the 1942 Disney Movie Bambi? (Anyone else??? seriously... the storm with the orchestra.... ) Anyone??

* WHY did they invent moon sand? Jaida wanted an ice cream shop for her birthday, the kind that you smash the play doh into and it makes ice cream. I went looking, and apparently like the horrible mommy I am, only found moon sand that makes ice cream shapes. She never complained, dont take me wrong, she never told me until last night that wasn't what she wanted at all but the real play doh MOM!. As i sat in the floor with her, trying to figure out what was supoosed to be so cool with this Moon sand, i was at a loss. We smashed the sand into the ice cream scoop and wah lah- big deal. that's it.... and, if you touch it or even breath hard on it, it crumbles and falls apart. Seriously- no wonder she wasn't so excited.......BOOORING.

* Once I got some pictures on my imagekind site JUST to get stuff up there, I realized... WHY are all my great shots on film? WHY 35mm? OH yeah wait.... because hands down 35mm is the best and true art, what a pain in the arse this is going to be.......scanning the already perfect photos I have that would sell much faster than anything already out there. AH Well.......

My friends, I am drained. Lack of sleep last night has me near vegitative state today and it is all I can do to keep my eyes open right now. However, from the other room I can hear Jaida, who apparently was upset she missed Transformers last night, watching it on high volume. The cutest thing ever is her, yelling at the TV "Go Bumble Bee, Go... Dont let him.......... OH GOOD JOB BUMBLE BEE!!! Hey Mom! He Turned into a guy!!!"

Off to love my life my friends. Have a marvelous one yourselves!

http://bambihill77.imagekind.com

2009-06-09T12:11:00.002-05:00

She sold! My Prada... My pride and joy for so long now in the material world is no longer mine and will be mailed out to the highest bidder today. Bitter sweet I tell you, bitter sweet. I'm off on another of my whirlwind adventures today. I've started a gallery for selling my photography here: http://bambihill77.imagekind.com
and am taking my lunchbreak from work today to interview for a part time job at P.F. Changs. Keep your fingers crossed my friends. If you have a chance though, please check out my website on imagekind. I plan to add SEVERAL more shots when I have some spare time tonight so stay tuned! If you have a 'shot' in mind, that you would like to see taken and put in the gallery for sale... let me know, I am always up for photographic challenges. Keepin this one short for today- I hope wherever YOU are, the day is beautiful and energetic as it is here! And hey, if you want too.... feel free to purchase some work on the site (again incase you missed it the first time) http://bambihill77.imagekind.com because a girl can never market her love for photography too much. cheers my friends. Stay tuned for more pictures!

Mondays.... I should just stay in bed on Mondays.

2009-06-08T08:34:00.004-05:00

I got my first speeding ticket today. In all fairness it isn't the first EVER, just the first I dont plan to fight due to expenses and sheer ignorance on my part. I'll be the first to admit, when I left my house this morning, I was not the least bit awake. Jaida was still in the dazed blurr and had her seat reclined, thank heaven I actually put my seatbelt on (most times i'm scared to wear it because of decapitation dreams, but that's another story in it'self) I have to drive through the golf course neighborhood on my way out of where I live, this entails a lot of golf cart traffic, old people in their robes walking their dogs (eeewwwwww... seriously men should NOT wear white robes!) and squirels trying to decide which side of the road they want to steal their nuts from. This morning, is only different because it is a fucking MONDAY!

After running the gauntlet of blue hairs and golf carts, the squirel, which i can only assume is Stewarts cousin due to his need to play russian roulette with my car, is the only reason I wasn't going 55 I'm sure. As I rolled down the hill missing the squirel by inches, the dodge dakota parked in front of me (facing me) flipped it's lights on.............I could only muster a 'hmmm' in my head. I honestly had no idea what I had done wrong, just thought maybe it was the typical Arkansas 'road check' for those criminals that escaped a few weeks ago. NOPE- I was going 44 in a 25. Well who fucking knew the speed limit was 25 through there? Fuck if i've ever paid any attention and honestly... HOW do you go 25 DOWN a steep hill??? You'd have to be on a ten speed to go that fucking slow! (oh and the criminals were found in NY and returned to AR prison.... This is on the radio as I was getting my ticket answering any question i had about that)

Whatever- The old bald man, quite swollen in the mid section comes grumbling out of the car. He starts our conversation with 'Didn't I just give you a ticket last month and you skipped out on court?' to which I reply in the nicest possible voice 'Uh, Nope' Totally forgetting the 'Sir' that I was raised to reply with when you're speaking to someone that could be your great great grandfather. "Well, you have the same haircut" he replied. Uh huh, i'm thinking in my head.... most of the blue hairs do have short hair here, except mine isnt' permed.... YET. He nods at me, and then says 'Well son of a bitch, there is a squirel with no tail'.

Ok.... my daugther is in the passenger seat, and as much as I might cuss when she's not around.... that was uncalled for! Unfortunatly the bob tail squirel didn't get me out of the ticket, but my lack of emotion and blank face must have made him decide he'd give me some 'time' so he pushed my court date to August while telling me 'I'd like to see you trasnfer your tags and your plates since you live here now'.... Which is fine, and dandy (i'm only 5 miles from the Missouri state line) but I never told him this............ and he didn't run my lisence.... he literally just wrote the ticket out.... HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE SCARY OLD CRUSTY BUTT?? In any case, I began to drive off and he stops me to say 'is the baby belted i?' to which i lift the blanket off her to show him and he walks away. Well, this ruffled Jaida's feathers, how dare he call her a baby! She bantered about that for a good 5 minutes before lecturing me on the art of speeding. I can only hope she drives as slow as she claims she will when she turns 16. Fat Chance! So yay, i get to go to court in August, and do I care? NOPE- NO SIR i really dont. Not today. Funny part was... shouldn't the kid be the FIRST thing you look at old man? I mean really- with all the idiots running around with the kids hanging in the back window upside down you dont care to ask until i'm driving off if the 'baby' is belted in? WOW.

I refuse to mark this one up to a bad day, even though my hair is uncooperative and apparently old looking I will go about my day in the mind set that I'm just super excited to be alive.............tee hee. Because I am.

On a side note- I have to complain a tad... so excuse me a bit... but there should be a few rules for MEN in the work place. (i can only assume it is men because if a woman smells like THAT, she had better go to her doctor ASAP) I walked down the stair well on the side of the building to meet Nicole for coffee. I couldn't help but gag a bit when I opened the door to the staircase and was blasted with the smell of a gym locker. Granted, most people here ride their bikes for 12 miles or run a short 10k before work everyday, but seriously! Go home and shower before you drag your stinky ass to work! On my way back up the same stairs, returning from getting coffee, my eyes watered from not the smell of the gym locker, but someone who had apparently realized they smelled and taken a quick bath in whatever cologne he chose this morning. I have no doubt that it wasn't cheap cologne as the oil of the scent has stuck to my clothing and now I too smell like a man..........frankly i'm more of a floral scent person and prefer my Eternal Love to a mans cologne anyday!

On a positive note- (ha ha... seriously i'm not in a bad mood) I'll leave you with my daily ZEN from the calendar on my desk. It made me feel better!

Our true home is in the present moment. To live int he present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth in the present moment, to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now.- Thich Nhat Hanh

Have a fabulous day my lovley readers- I'll have a cheerful story for you tomorrow... :)

The Road

2009-06-02T10:46:00.002-05:00

What is it with dreams? You know, the ones that hit us hard in the middle of the night. They make your heart race, or tears stream. They can make you feel more in love than ever with someone you have never met who doesn't even have a face, or all in one dream you can be horrified beyond belief. Some dreams continue, long after you wake.... small things through the day make every tiny feeling you felt during the dream, rush back through your body to the point of causing your head to ache. The dreams that remind you your mom is dead, over and over. The dreams that youre being chased by someone faster than superman, yet your legs move as if they have blocks tied to them. Then there are the beautiful dreams, the dream when you can feel his hand softly touch your face and trace your jaw line as you're kissed softly on the lips sending chills down your spine only to wake up alone. What about the baby you lost all those years ago, when in your dream it was a boy, and he was beautiful like the love you felt when he was created, and lost.

I will never understand dreams. I get angry when I see my mom in my dreams and she just smiles, she never talks to me anymore just smiles. Somehow i'm always angry at her when i wake up, i feel alone again. What about those dreams where you're just there.... in a place you love or have always wanted to go, sitting in the sun, listening to the waves crash against your feet and staring into the crystal blue water as if it were your future. Nothing............just peace.

I can't begin to even pretend i understand what causes certain dreams. Why people we've not seen in years or some faceless person is there. Why or HOW it feels so real to be chased, or even touched. I look at the reasons online, and all of them say something different. It is the good dreams.... the one on the beach, the soft kiss that leaves me shaken or the site of the son I never had laughing with his father in a life that never really happened.

I wonder sometimes, if dreams are but a glimpse of our past life, something we actually did feel or see at some point in our lives? Is it just in our psyche? Just because my mom wont talk to me in my dreams, does this mean she's angry, or that somehow deep inside i'm angry at her? I dont think so......

Sometimes I look around at the world as it is, and feel as though i'm in a dream... a great dream... a wonderful dream. It feels so good most of the time. Days like today when the breeze touches your hair just right, the smells surrounding you drift off like honey suckle and lilac. People you meet in passing smile as if they see and feel the same things! It might sound horribly cheesy, but it truly amazes me how wonderful life is!

Without hardships, we would never appreciate the soft kindness of life. Without rain, we could never smell the honeysuckle growing along the road. Without sadness and loss, we would never appreciate the things that come into our lives and change us for the better. Without tears we would never truly understand the magic of a smile. I've been asked before, many times... if i could change things in my past, would i? The answer still remains NO. Even if sometimes the past does haunt us!

Live in the moment, cherish the past and be excited for the future! Have a fabulous day my friends!

2009-06-01T15:03:00.021-05:00

What a beautiful weekend my friends!Friday night papa came down, he and i took Jaida on over to Jenni's where we met her and the boys and headed downtown to the park. Free music around blues festival is always a bonus, and their are vendors elbow to elbow with new and interesting pieces of art or jewlery. After hanging out by the fountain, diving for Mardi Gras beads by the various cars strolling around handing them out we enjoyed the festive magical feeling that is EUREKA:

Brendan

Bradley

After hanging out in the park, we decided to go grab dinner at the Pied Piper (Cat House) They had a great band there too!

Jenni took the kids to her house, and papa and I watched the rest of this particular band play and then headed back to get the kiddo. It was a nice, relaxing low key evening! You just can't beat that.

SATURDAY- BIRTHDAY PARTY DAY!
From the second I opened my eyes, until i finally laid down that night it was ON. Busy as all get out! I dont think i sat more than a full five minutes at a time. Jaidas birthday party was a successs. Cooper and Adyson came- that was her big surprise, the kids missed eachother and were inseperable. Papa made it down too and we had a great time, watching the kids swim, eating sandiwhiches and melted cupcakes in the sun. Good Times.

Jaida, is one of those kids that no matter how worn out they get, they stay in the water, damn near UNDER the water the entire time, and are morphing into fish right in front of your eyes, minus the tail fin.

When we finally got her to come out of the water, it was hard not to laugh yourself into a dizzy state of mind- i mean really... it's hilarious and cute at the same time

So then we opened presents and had a few snacks for the break.

Of course anytime you have to take a break from swimming non stop in order to open your presents- you then need a snack and a short nap. The girls worked together to get the chairs set up 'just right'

While the kids were spacing out into their own water logged world, we all got to have a little giddy kid fun ourselves... as always.

All in all it was a beautiful weekend. We couldn't have asked for better weather, better friends or better cupcakes. Jaida turned 5 with a smile on her face and pool water in her hair. I still can't believe she's five now, but i'm proud of her, i'm thankful for her more than anything in this entire lifetime, this beautiful young girl is the most amazing person I could ever know, or have the pleasure to know like i do. She will be a great success someday, she already is and she's still my baby... .always will be. I know she wont read this until it makes a book someday (fingers crossed) but she is my world, the greatest woman i know and i can't wait to see what she is like later in life. Thank you my little girl, for making me the person and mother i am today. you have completed my life!

Fridays Fortune

2009-05-29T15:54:00.003-05:00

One quick correction- after my friend Nikie pointed out to me that the picture in the previous post is not a doe, but a buck (look close for the 'buttons') everything made perfect sense! We had our 'moment', simply because well.... Bambi.... Buck... it just goes hand and hand! My short lived love affair with the DEER was ended suddenly because of my dogs, damn dogs! ANYWAYS.............

It's finally Friday- and THANK GOD for that right? I have my favorite summer dress on, waiting for my dad and Jaida to get here so we can go listen to some live tunes in this wonderful town of ours. I managed to get a lot more sun today- which is a super good thing, considering i am wearing a dress. I wouldn't want people not wearing sunglasses to catch on fire when they look at my legs. :) Have a firey weekend peeps!

Thursday, Thursday.........

2009-05-29T13:34:00.004-05:00

.... was my beautiful daughter Jaidas birthday. She turned five on May 28th- yes, i said it... FIVE. It is weird to look into the eyes of your child who can literally out talk nearly every person in their life... including grandparents (this is NOT a put down to the kid.... it's sheer amazement of her knowledge at her age) Since I can remember, every year on my birthday, my mom would wake me up to the Beatles Birthday song, along with my favorite cake. I started this tradition with Jaida right out of the gate, because well.... it has to live on in our family! I didn't get a chance to play the White Album yesterday, because I had left it in the office so I just sang it to her- which caused her to wake up nearly laughing with tears (poor kid needs a hearing aid now) I got up super early to be sure i had a fresh cupcake for her- I couldn't find any candles so I used her favorite 'storm' candle and this is what she saw when she woke up.

She was excited to make her first wish as a 'big girl' and even went as far as to TRY and tell me what it was she wished for.........but we put a stop to that. We all know wishes dont come true if we tell what the wish is!

She didn't eat much of the cupcake, which is fine with me.... it took her a little bit to really wake up, surprisingly even after i SANG. The dogs gave her snuggies and we sat around talking about what she wanted for her birthday (her party is Saturday) and who might be there and such.

Scamps is always up for a good conversation, bad breath and all. Jaida even tried to give him some of her cupcake to 'sweeten' his breath, but he wouldn't take it :)

We got all dressed up, and fixed her hair. Headed off to meet her daddy for his part of her birthday. She was so excited to go to Chuck E Cheese, as a big girl for the first time.

After I dropped her off with her dad, i finished the day in the office. It was a highly productive day, even with ghosts everywhere I turned. I got home last night and began wrapping what I could afford for Jaida's birthday presents when I heard the dogs growling at something as if they were going to 'eat' it. I glanced out the front door and saw her:

She stood there, such grace and elegance. Each time a dog would bark her muscles would tighten and her ears purk up. Slowly, she would let her gaurd down and begin to take a step, and freeze again, as soon as the dogs would alarm. I stood there, camera in hand taking pictures through the glass of the front door. Every window in the house was open and I know she heard me speak, as she looked confused when I would signal for the dogs to quiet up. It was almost, as if when i looked through the lense, she was looking right back at me, with a kind and almost magical sparkle in her eyes:

We stared back and fourth at one another in a silent conversation that would go on for what seemed like forever. Finally the dogs began again and this time she decided to hide: (giggle giggle- you can't see her... can you?)

Didn't think so!~ :) She finally walked off, joining the other 3-4 family members that linger in the bushes, but it was our moment- Bambi and Doe- funny huh? I thought it was magnificant!

As I sit here breathing in the calm of the day- the beauty that is and the things to come, I can't help but be thankful for all that my life holds. I can't wait to take Jaida into town for the free music in the park, introduce her to REAL Blues music, live and buy her a sucker the size of her head as her birthday treat. Then we'll come home, finish cupcakes for her party tomorrow and snuggle up before bed to a good movie. Whatever the weekend has in store for you my friends, I hope it is a fabulous one in deed. May the sun kiss your face in a soft and warming manner, the rain drops cool your lips with the kindest of motion and the wind blow your hair from your site. Time flys- especially when it comes to children. I wish someone had warned me so long ago that it would be overnight and she would be starting school. Maybe they did, maybe i didn't listen? In any case.... I'm stuck here, in this happiness of watching a beautiful young girl grow up, and sadness of seeing my baby become a girl. *sniff sniff* I am going to sit in the sun for a moment and recharge. I hope you have a safe and happy weekend my friends. Go find some live music and let it feed your soul! Cheers

Whimsical Wednesday

2009-05-27T16:43:00.003-05:00

The grey has been coming for some time now. I could see it slowly creeping up behind the trees as if to make a surprise entrance. You can smell it, long before it gets here. The wind picks up with a crisp wet feeling and sweeps through the trees ever so softly. It begins as a whisper, far away, moving slowly in my direction, the breeze grows cooler and cooler, the smell grows sweeter and sweeter until finally, it is here.

I step out into it, calmly, patiently. I take one step at a time until my feet grow damp and cool. I feel the soft drops landing on the tops of my feet, dancing and tickling them until I smile. I take another step and begin to feel the cool drops spatter on my hands, then up my arms and finally on my shoulders and chest. I breath in as deep as I can, trying to embrace this moment, this feeling and this smell ... this NOW... I begin to laugh under my breath. Finally I step out from under the awning, the drops moving from my chin, then softly caressing my lips, up over my cheek bones and finally to my eyes. I lean my head backwards, my nose to the sky, my eyes closed tightly as the drops land, and roll down my lips into my mouth. I can taste the sweetness of summer. This is it, on the verge of seasons.... the cool fresh air followed by the sweet taste of rain through the trees, it brings a clean, refreshed and beautiful aura to the day.

As my hair begins to soak, and water runs down the side of my face my entire body has embraced the beauty of natures seasons with all senses. I hear the rain, so soothing it could put a baby to sleep. I hear the breeze, dancing back and fourth with the leaves of the trees and making an orchastra of natural symphony. I smell the sweetness of the air, such a wonderful mixture of so many beautiful things nature has created and last there is taste- with my tongue sticking out of my mouth, my eyes closed and my head tilted back just so. I have steped into my senses with every cell in my body. I have fallen in love, yet again with the weather and the unending glory it brings us. Sheer Beauty!

Wherever you are my friends, I hope you can feel the sweet softness of spring as it lingers and the warm sensuatlity of summer as it patiently waits behind the door. Make something special with someone today! Jaida and I made bannana bread last night, it was a blast! AND it turned out great!! Tonight we'll be making some cupcakes, her birthday is tomorrow and i want to wake her up the same way my mom always did me. Beatles Birthday Song and my favorite kind of cake! Some traditions, even if copied, down played, or disregarded by others will always and forever be YOUR OWN, no matter how hard people try. Have a fantastic evening everyone. Cheers! Hugs!

Here They Are- The Pictures You've Been Waiting For:

2009-05-26T14:48:00.004-05:00

I took these as I drove by a few weeks ago. As you can see the "Presidential Treason" is on one side, the one side I couldn't get was the side that said something about Obama. I find this interesting in so many ways. ONE- believe it or not this car actually RUNS. Yes, I've seen it driven around. TWO- the man who owns this car is a goat herder (NO peeps, you can't make this shit up!) THREE- he put balls in it!?!?! VERY Interesting I say, VERY! So here is another great view of the...............balls.........

SO...... there you have it my friends. THE CAR of NW ARKANSAS. I was thinking, should I paint a glittery butthole on the back of the short bus and put MCAIN on the front? NAH, then my car will have a heart attack and die, and well.... she's too young for that! :) I hope you all had a super Holiday weekend! Mine was uber relaxing and I am still sleepy from sleeping! Have a fantastic day! Cheers!

FUUUNKY Friday!

2009-05-22T12:40:00.002-05:00

Yo Yo Yiggity Yo! (one of my favorite lines, from my favorite movie of all times...... JUNO) It's finally FRIDAY, and not just any Friday, the one before a long weekend (whooooot!) I finally got my hair cut and kids, I love it! Sometimes it's better to tell your hairdresser "Just do whatever, you can't mess it up" because truth is, they know better than you............really!

It's a beautiful 80' degrees outside, the only clouds in site are the huge puffy ones that look like a harmless cotton ball floating around and the lake is calling my name! (holding hand to ear) Not before I look up our old friends (ok, not so old) Honky Suckle tonight while Nikie is in town and see about a backyard shin-dig. (in the best possible ARKANSAS voice I can muster)

I just got done scarfing down ham and beans along with cheeseburger soup (we all love hot things on hot days... right?) just before i go take my health/blood screen for work. I mean, they told me to fast for 8 hours, but seriously folks... me, fast for 8 hours............. (crickets**) RIIIIGHT. I made it for about 5hours (while sleeping) and started getting sick to my stomach so screw that noise! This chica needs cheese!!!

I dont know what your plans are for the Memorial Day Weekend, but whatever it is, be good, be safe and dammit.... let the sun kiss your face! Cheers!!!

CRAP- Things that make me smile-Thursday (only, a day late)

2009-05-22T09:57:00.002-05:00

MORNIN' FOLKS- I wanted to post that damn picture I told you all about weeks ago. You know, the dude that has the car all decked out with "Presidential Treason" and all kinds of trash on it... (which it now has balls...wait until you see this) anyways........ I am in the office today and forgot my camera so it will just be a random post next week- What's new, right?

Things that make me laugh/smile:

Laugh- The Presidential Car- (i promise i'll show you this next week)
Smile- Nikie is coming to hang out in Eureka tonight! Whooo Hoooo! The two of us havent' hung out just US in years!
Laugh- My hair, when it gets longer than two inches.... it's like Fragle Hair or the Muppets... whatever!
Smile- Pay DAY!
Laugh- Thinking about my daughters upcoming bday and how big she is for just now turning 5! Too damn cute!
Smile- Logging in and seeing more followers! YAY

Have a super day!~:)

You're a Dog Person- Not a Cat Person

2009-05-21T16:17:00.003-05:00

Ok, so the above statement was true- might still be a 'tad' true. Somehow, Keane (the adopted one year old Black Panther of a Cat) has managed to make his way into our hearts - and home of course. If you read much of this blog at all, you know by now that we have a number of animals around our house (outside) that seem to make me feel like Elly May Clampet some days but at the same time, i enjoy them being here.........................until the Coons tip over my trash can, the Opossum scares the shit out of me by hissing under the porch and the Crows wake us up on Saturday morning (much earlier than I would like)

With that being said... I still dont mind the animals and it is just part of living in what i call 'Heaven on Earth' so - whatever. Keane.. is exactly what I was hoping for....... a hunter. However, he's become a serial killer of sorts and has manged to if not kill, mangle several animals/reptiles around the house. (outside of the house people........... )

So the story begins yesterday afternoon. Jaida and I were preparing to head to town and meet Jenni and the boys for a walk around town. Jaida is such a good helper with the animals, I had asked her to let the cat in, and she did. Not noticing until he dropped it on the floor... in the dinning room that Keane had not only brought himself in, but a skink as well! For those of you who are not up to date with the 'lizard lingo' here is a picture of the little buga:

OK OK- in all fairness... this isn't the actual 'skink' that Keane brought into us, and thank god. After I saw what the cat had proudly dropped in the floor, I began screaming uncontrollably, which caused Jaida to scream and jump on the couch. The cat, laid down in the floor, closed his eyes and began purring with pride as the lizard, whom had lost his tail, tried to scamper away. Now, apparently these lizards can lose their tail at the drop of a CAT (Raff out Roud) and grow another one. So here this thing is....... basically slithering around the floor, if he had ears before (yes peeps i know reptiles dont have ears) they were bleeding by now because the screams between Jaida and I had to have caused hearing loss in anything within feet of the house. It took me a good 3 minutes to calm down and rationalize about what to do here. After running what seemed like 50 circles in the kitchen trying to decide what to grab the lizard with, I had settled on paper towels. I wadded them up (imagining this little thing biting onto my finger) i had to be sure to pad my hand well. I picked the poor thing up, and threw him out the front door, slamming it quickly behind him. Once i realized what I had done, i felt a bit bad. I mean not only had my cat caused the poor thing to lose his tail (which by the way was crawling around the porch rug....... by itself!!!!) but between my daughter and I it had to be freaked out from our screams... then to top off the horrible day it was having, i threw it 50 feet onto concrete.

If it had been a chipmunk, or... well anything else I would have likely taken it to the vet and NOT freaked out so much.... but i'm NOT a reptile person. I got the cat because i'm SO scared of snakes, that I am praying he kills every single one he finds................. and leaves it where he finds it. So as you can imagine, now i'm just WAITING for my wonderful panther cat to a beloved cotton mouth snake into my house- THEN WHAT? Oh wait, i'll call Jenni... she's a freak and plays with snakes! Problem Solved!

So, maybe I am a dog person at heart. I know this! They give love willingly, they always look happy (ok most of them) and they know just how to make you feel better when you have a bad day. Cats- MOST of them... look a bit pissed at all times, dont come when you call them, and pretty much do their own thing........... they own you! keane is different because he doesn't look pissed, he never gets mad when you pet him for a prolonged amount of time and he does come when called.......... pretty much every time. So he's the exception to the rule and has now made me a cat lover.

it's been a superfabulous day my friends. eBay has become my second job and it's a pleasure really. I hope you all have a great day as well. Chasing lizard tails, laying in the sun, listening to the rain, or heading up the slopes (wait, i think they're closed now??) in any case. Peace out My Friends!!!

I Get By With a Little Help...........

2009-05-20T12:59:00.005-05:00

From MY FRIENDS:

Now that I have that beautiful song stuck on replay in your head,I'd like to apologize for leaving you hanging the past two days. The 'Tick' bite left me rather emotionally drained of any creative thoughts for writing or even witty come backs to defend myself. After my two days in my 'shell' I've emerged with a bit of help from the sun (i love laying out on lunch breaks) and of course a few good friends who stand behind me and cheer me on, then remind me of stories like this:

As you know, Jenni moved to Eureka with me. It's fitting really, her pink hair doesn't stand out as much here. In fact, she hardly gets a second look in the way of weird... as compared to the generic come and go of the office life. The kiddo and I were at her apartment the other day. Jaida has found a few new friends, and loves to hang out with them. It's nice, since the streets are so close together, the kids can be watching tv in the living room or playing in the yard and they are only 10 feet away max, no matter where they are. While the kids were off playing swords in the back yard, Jenni and I sat in the front conversing with her neighbors. One of them, whom is her landlords son. After a brief discussion about reality tv shows (no offense to those who watch them.... Hells Kitchen makes me hungry and want to crawl in the corner and cry when he yells- Bachelor/Bachelorette: make me wonder what the HELL is wrong with them for thinking they actually might find love on TV of all places- Survivor was good- the first two seasons, it's pretty much a reply of the same cat fights and man power on every episode so i find it dull and meaningless) But as the two of us sat outside the the beautiful crisp afternoon, I heard something that shouldn't have been funny at all. But It was .... and I can't stop thinking about it.

The landlords son, we shall call him 'J' for this story, is a bit of an odd person. He's not tall, but gangly as if he stood near 7 feet tall. His hair is a natural blonde, almost transparent and not long in the sexy Johnny Depp way, but long in the way that it is beginning to look somewhat like a helmet from Star Wars. He has a very large gap between his front teeth (hey, i'm not knockin this... i had the same problem until i was about 17) but it's almost as if he could whistle through it if he tried (who knows, maybe he can) He wears very thick eye glasses with a thin wire frame, which over all his appearance makes him 'look' like the unibomber (minus the beard) which is sort of creepy in a way, considering his knowledge of bombs (from what we hear... it could be hear say, who knows.... in any case, we'll be sure to stay on his good side) To give you an idea of the kind of person he appears to be, seemingly creepy yet kind hearted.. when Jenni found a black widow spider behind her couch, he captured it for her.......... then turned it lose in the woods!!!! See, it's kind of a mix of kind hearted vs. a little tooooooo much.

I digress- As we sat out on the concrete steps listening to the kids play, there was a handful of people around. One of them being "J". after the conversation about TV and Relity Shows, he made sure to let us know he had a reality show of his own in mind, that would of course, catch the audience's attention. "Who Wants To Win A Kidney!" NOW, before you start sending me hate mail because your aunt is on a waiting list, hear me out. As always, i'm not here to piss anyone off, or hurt anyones feelings, this is my blog, my diary, even if it is public and i feed off the comments i get from you guys- so feel free to cut lose if you must ............but think about it.

In a world like ours, when a car wreck becomes something of a tourist site on the interstate when you pass, we live for shows where the models starve themselves and pass out on camera while getting yelled at by Tyra (poor girls! I did love the one episode i watched of it) The heavier people are forced to sweat to the oldies next too two very young, very in shape and attractive people only to stand in front of the cameras and cry because they were 'kicked off' for only losing 2 pounds (i'm sorry, but I watched it... .I cried both times... i'm done with it) and people like me find themselves reading for hours on http://www.findadeath.com/ well, frankly this idea isn't totally out of line.

I mean really. We do weird things to be on tv... Americans I mean... we even go so far as to totally humiliate ourselves on camera 'attempting' to sing the star spangled banner, only hoping we were worse then the next person so we can be put down by Simon Cowel on national television. So when you stop to think about 6 people competing for a Kidney- well it's really not so bad after all is it? Not really, I would give a kidney and i would be willing to bet the losers would walk away with some kind of consolation prize. "We're sorry you didn't win the kidney Mr. Jones, but instead, you walk AWAY WITH.................... A BRAND NEW ESCALADE" I mean seriously? Are you going to be pissed about losing the kidney? NO, you're gonna stroll away in your pimped out caddy and know that your family will love you for who you are and what you won for them!

Back to realty: Life is KIND of like the Reality TV shows.... we have lots of heartache, we cry when someone chooses us over someone else in a relationship, we feel let down when our diet goals aren't met, of course we all want to be the 'Top Model', or not get voted off survivor for being a cut throat douche bag. The sad reality of LIFE IS.... no camera, no editing of scenes, no airbrush, nobody to make us work out to the oldies, nobody to blame but ourselves.

I couldn't ask for a better day my friends. Sun is shining, not ONE cloud in the sky and the breeze still has a bit of 'slight' chill to it. Summer is just around the corner and I know I couldn't be happier about it. The past two days have left me in somewhat of an emotional cave, I can't keep my head from spinning and my brain from over thinking, so please forgive me if you were offended by todays' post. I had to let the sadistic smart ass side of myself shine just once..... and maybe she's here to stay? In any case, I'm smiling again, refuse to let one little tick bite wear me down when there is so much to be done and said. I hope you're all out enjoying this day.... and looking forward to the long wonderful Holiday Weekend that lays ahead. Cheers!

Blood Suckers!

2009-05-18T10:13:00.003-05:00

No my friends, I am not speaking of vampires, in fact those characters I find intriguing. I'm talking about blood sucking pointless creatures on earth. Of course here in the Central US we have a lot of trees, therefore insects that come with them... it's a real joy lemme tell ya! Well if you dont know what a tick is- they basically find a host, much like a mosquito, only they dig in and stay there until they are full, then they die. Much can be said to the same aspect of some people in the world doing, being and acting the exact same way... only instead of blood, they simply suck your energy by negative and horrible actions. In any case- Here is an insect blood sucking tick:

As you can see, they are not only ugly, but tiny and these little shits can stick to anything! I swear they smell your human blood and leap from the trees with their little claws out ready to get you. Sadly they are difficult to find, until they are already dug into your skin causing you to scratch until the first layer of skin is irritated. After you pick them off (and burn them because much like any other blood sucking creature you would see in the movies, these bitches are indestructible unless burnt) your skin is red, and the place you got bit grows hard underneath and the spot stays red, and itchy and then you continue to feel as if you have them all over you just because you found one, and are so repulsed by the damn things that your hair begins to crawl.

Yeah, not the most uplifting post in my history but it's true. Thank god for Al- Jennis boyfriend (now redeeming his once labeled 'douchebag' name tag...he is back in the picture and I think this time he's here to stay) in any case, they came to get the boys yesterday and since I had sprained my ankle horribly Friday he sprinkled the tick powder around my house for me, THANK YOU.

However, the human kind of tick... the energy sucking people in the world. There is no magic powder to keep them away from you. They bite you through words and reach you through technology. In stead of just leaving a red irritated bite on your leg, they leave a scar inside your soul that seems to ache and slowly bring you down. These people hide behind all kinds of faces. They could be someone you once considered a friend, but gossips consistently causing you harm and making up stories (really? You dont have anything better to do with your time? Really?) They use your loved ones as a 'host' of sorts to cause you pain and 'get to you' with their ugly little claws. They irritate you on the inside, where it matters the most and say mean horrible things to get under your skin.

Being that our bodies in this lifetime are only a shell - holding what is truly important- our souls... this can be a serious threat to us. Everyone deals with this. We all have days we get bitten by a poisonous person and let it drag us down to the pit of hell right along with them. It's hard to climb back up, dust yourself off and realize that these words, this ugliness of anger and hate is simply a self reflection of how those 'human ticks' see themselves. It's hard to overcome their bites.... but we can, and we will, so we do.

It was a lovely weekend here! The kids swam in the lake Saturday. Mr. Tulsa drove down on Sunday just to turn around and leave at 3AM today- It was nice, though I wonder if he's having a hard time trying to stay awake. The weekend just wasn't long enough folks. The sun is out again, thankfully- days like today when we are trying to recover from tick bites- of all shapes and sizes- it's always best to have a cloudless day to focus on the positive things in your life vs. the ugly things lurking around the dark little shadows. So goes life though right?

Have a beautiful day everyone! I'm going too! Tick bites and all!

FABULOUS FRIDAY!

2009-05-15T14:08:00.012-05:00

AHHH! Friday. Can it get better than this, I ask myself. HELLS YEAH it can. It's not only Friday, but 80 degrees and BEAUTIFUL. It's been a very productive day all around. Not only has the day flown by work wise but I managed to get a good amount of sun on my lunch break. I swear I could hear the boats while i laid out there! I'm only a few miles from the lake, and lemme tell ya, I cannot wait until tomorrow. I'm hoping that the storms they predict will hold off long enough to take the kids to the lake for a picnic.

The 'community' I live in has an actual 'Island' or peninsula rather, but who needs to argue that point? Since i have to pay to have the address that i have, i get free access to the (very well kept i might add) pool and pool house, and also the camp grounds. If i want to play golf i get a discount or i can pay out the ARSE for a membership and uh, no thanks! I dont play golf, but i can drive a mean cart! SO- I'm hoping since Jenni's boys are staying with me that it will be nice enough to camp, if not camping... at least swimming either at the pool or in the lake... whomever is brave enough. Personally I just want more SUN. I felt so alive when i got up from laying out today.

I did something i've not done in years... mainly because i'm scared to death of skin cancer, but at the same time... i have NEVER been this white before. I tan pretty well considering i have Indian in me (at least that's why i'm told i tan so well) when i try, but i've spent a lot of time slathering myself with sunblock the last two years... i'm done! I greased myself up like a holiday turkey with baby oil and spent 20 minutes on each side. I can see the difference, can anyone else? Doubtful.

I can't help but stop and think about where I was this time last week- ESTES PARK, CO. My second favorite little town on earth (Eureka is first.... and until you spend time here, you'll never understand it)

We had a room right on The Big Thomspon River, complete with a hot tub. Mr. Tulsa was brave enough to get in it (this is water melting from the snow caps people.... COLD ASS WATER) and we spent the better part of the afternoon sipping wine (ok he had GIN... but Rangpur so it's ok) and chatting in the hot tub. THAT is where the picture from yesterday came from. I have posted a few pics for you to gander at whilst I tell my boring story:

I can't remember if this picture was Friday afternoon or Saturday Morning... I think Friday afternoon??? Hell if i know anymore it all blurred together. I haven't actually relaxed like THAT in a longgggg time. It was weird to be honest. By the time we got stuck in the Denver airport on the way home Sunday, I was a laughing scattered mess.

This is Claires- Cute little place on the square. This is where my cousin Tara and i saw the family of Elk come rest in the middle of the part last summer (or was it the summer before?) Anyways, then the police on segways came and chased them off. It was comical, i mean really... a segway? Up agains a daddy Elk? IF he wanted to kick your ass mister, he would have done so. I think he was just being kind since there were so many spectators in the area. Back to the story- Claries has good bloody marys and great service. If you go, try it out. It's nothing fancy, but it's got GREAT food and good drinks! You can't beat the view either.

Of course I try (key word here... try) to take pictures of most things i eat, or places I suppose. mainly so i can rant about how good it is...I often see people that work in the establishment looking at me funny while i set up the 'scene' of the menu and my meal/drink. I keep waiting for the day when they ask me if i'm a critic. I can look at them dead in the eye and say "No, I just have a very serious obsession with food and pictures" then snap one of them and see how they react. I keep waiting, they never ask... If you're wondering... NO, these Bloody's are not even close to comparable with the Cat House Bloody Mary. It's worth the trip to Eureka Springs (yes people... Arkansas) just to have one.. I promise! For the guys out there, all the girls who work in the bar are smokin' hot... ladies... Latty's pretty damn cute too!!!! You should go... no matter it's super fun and the peeps are a hoot. Why else would i hang out there?

Oh YEAH- damn attention span of a hummingbird on days like today. Sorry. Anyways, so after we ate we tried to go up to the mountain, but the tram was closed (doesn't open til next weekend.. jerks) So we stopped off and got our beverages and headed to the hot tub. Here are some pics for you of that little outing:

This was fabulous. 105 degree water... cold mountain air coming down from the Rockies in swoops. It was marvelous. I think we were in there for a few (several) hours.

and then from the other direction: (keep in mind the Big T is actually a LOT bigger than this down river... this place is up the mountain a bit and closer to the National Park)

This is the 'cabin' so to speak over on the right. We were towards the end, on the bottom. THE ONLY people in the place (i guess they call it a lodge... whatever) so that was super. The one person besides us was a worker who was right by the hot tub, he was cutting tiles for the first little room that was being remodeled. I think we scared him off to be right honest. He looked like Santa! I am now fully convinced that Santa Claus in fact lives in Estes and does handy work in the off season... oh, and drives a really old Toyota Truck.

Here, you can see by the horrid expression on Tulsa's face HOW FUCKING COLD the water actually is. But I think by this time we had a few drinks in us and it didn't matter. I got in too, but there is no photographic proof and thank god for that because look at this:

NOT ONLY I do look like a block of swiss cheese but my hair is still in the faux hawk. See people, i'm not your average bear! I'm not too good to post horrible pictures of my muffin top on the Internet....blending in with my snow white legs and bleached out swim suit... NO.. Besides... I am at lesat a .5 shade darker after today... so HA! I like this picture though... it's kinda cute and sorta funny if you look at it right. I'll leave you with that.

It's been a super fabuloustic day today! I keep getting lost in the sky and i have YET to see a cloud. I hope (as always) no matter where you are, who you're with, or what you are doing. Work, play, school, or on the other side of the world in bed right now, that you are as happy as you can possibly be WHERE you are... right this second. If you're not... get your ass up and eat chocolate, drink some Riesling, or sing your favorite childhood song. Whatever it is that makes you giggle a little inside. Sometimes, even when things are really hard.... if you fake the smile, and you work hard for the laughs, they become real... and you forget what your frown was even about to start with, you carry on with what WAS a fake smile on your face... and continue your day being happy. If thats not enough, and you just live to see how many chipmunks I save... WELL- I let keane out once today........... for only a few minutes (because if he didn't stop trying to ride the dogs out the door during potty breaks there was going to be a fight) and he didn't manage to catch a damn thing! HA. So i'll leave you with with this cute little number- the serial killa- resting for his next hunt _TADA!

(check the fangs on this guy! Man he's a beautiful cat.... but geesus those poor chipmunks!)

Cheers my friends......... until Monday...........MUWAHHHHHH!

In Addition............Bitchy People SUCK!

2009-05-14T14:17:00.003-05:00

I wish I were here again........... sipping Resling on the Big Thompson River. Fresh breeze pulling the crisp smell of air off the mountains down onto my wet face, while sitting in 105 degree water and loving every second of it. It's nice, here.......... today.......... but MAN I miss Colorado.......... Again!

Thursday- Things that make me laugh or smile

2009-05-14T12:07:00.005-05:00

I've decided to dedicate one day a week to the things in this world that make me laugh or maybe just smile. Since my posts are kind of boring and follow the same trek - meaning they are NOT random at all (ha) i'm going to put a little structure into my Day in the Life so here goes:

Laugh- When my dog scamps goes outside and runs in circles around the front yard. he runs so hard and fast that he literally flips rocks at the house. This is a 6 pound Maltese that looks like a white floor mop with eyeballs. It IS one of the cutest, and funniest things to see... Seriously!

Smile- When my daughter takes a bath in 'my' tub. The bathtub is a jet tub in the corner of my bedroom, so I can sit on the bed and read, make grocery lists etc while she is off in her own little world of bubbles. The funny part is when i've gotten so INTO whatever it is that i'm doing and I happen to look up, she's standing in the tub, nearly overflowing with bubbles, painting the tile with the bubble pile on her head. It's not so fun to clean up, but it's hilarious while she does it and quite calming to watch (until i realize how long it's going to take to clean it up)

Laugh: This- morning hair, sipping milk off a spoon- THIS makes me laugh- Nuff said:

Smile- My house and everything around, about, and in it. I LOVE IT HERE. (have i told you that before? didn't think so)

Laugh - Memories of people, places and things. There are so many wonderful memories it's hard NOT to get lost in them. They tickle so much it's funny!

Smile- The fact that i've saved TWO (yes two... ) Chipmunks from death by Cat today- Watching them scamper away as Keane struggles to chase after them, working so hard to excape my grip- makes me smile... (nature... not always so pretty.. is it!)

Laugh- This strand of beads Jaida just put around my neck- I look like Marg Simpson!

Laugh- The fact my daughter can make JUST as good Tard faces as I can. I'm so proud- Her Fifth Birthday is in two weeks. I dont know if it is the fact she's starting school this year, that she's a foot taller than most kids her age, or the fact she already has a crush on boys... but it scares me, makes me wish in a way that she would stay his little forever, then again... i look forward to our 'friendship' when she gets old enough that I dont have to be a strict mother 'constantly'. I look forward to it all- So I think for her birthday i'll get her a pink helmet- to match Mommy's!

Wherever you are in the world today, if the sun is out or the rain is pouring... no matter what, no matter where. I hope you can name at least 2 things that make you laugh, or smile. Not just a surface smile a real one you feel in your soul. Not just a giggle but a deep down laugh that tickles so deep that your face hurts when it's over. There are so many things to love and laugh about in the world that it is funny when sometimes we get stuck in that storm cloud of grey and can't seem to find any of them. One day the sun comes back out, blinds us and makes us realize that we can smile and laugh about everything in our lives, even the bad. EVEN if it means getting stuck in the Denver Airport for 8 hours, Flooded in on Grande Isle, LA- Not getting to eat your favorite cheese for weeks, or saving a few chipmunks and lizard eggs. No matter what it is, that makes us smile........ we should appreciate it, laugh at it, and cherish every single moment of it. After all- we really never know when we will be making our very last memory with someone, so it should be the best it can be, at all times.

Have you told everyone you love... that you love them today? You should- maybe, it will even make you smile!