Stepping Stones and Lessons Learned

So, I was talking to someone from my past recently. Not just anyone, at one time he was my everything, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this person and never have to wonder again. It was the first man I fell in love with. I was young though, coming out of a divorce nothing was 'right' about the few years we spent together, yet even after it ended I often dreamed of him I even have a book I started about a dream he was in, but it's sat stagnite in the archives for several years now. Until April of last year I'd not felt a certain twinge in my soul since him but I always knew in the back of my mind it was a ridiculous thing that had to happen in my life to make me realize what I was worth, what I wanted and what I didn't want. Well then last April came around and I morphed back into this person who suddenly believed the fairy tales were true and that I had found my one, and would live happily ever after. Today, as I sat in a gymnasium waiting for my daughter musical to begin I caught a scent I'd not experienced in years, it was HIS cologne. Butterflies whipped up in my stomach like I flew back in time. I realized the gentleman close to me must have taken a bath in this cologne because then the smell began to burn my nose, then my eyes and I had to find a reason to move it was too much. It made me think, right then.... how glad I am to have gotten away from that person in a relationship standpoint when I did. I cannot imagine the woman i would be today had I remained blind to the truth and let that toxic back and fourth continue. All these years now, and talking to him is like speaking with an old classmate. Give or take, emotionally I'm not affected at all. I couldn't help but think about him, and then my most recent heart break side by side. The only two men I've ever LOVED from spirit to soul and I look back now and realize I didn't know his soul at all, fuck I was dumb in my 20's.

Albeit I'm not far into my 30's, but I do know I am 110% different than I was ten years ago and in the best way possible. If it hadn't been for all of the events in that time frame, I am not real sure WHO I would be today, but it wouldn't be the woman I see in the mirror. I have loved, and lost then FELL in love and lost. I have succeeded in things as much as I have failed. I have had just as many not so awesome days as I have magnificent ones. I'm pretty fond of them all no matter how terrible. I guess the reality of my flashback, my thought process that took me back in time was good. It made me realize how REAL the love I just lost was. It made the pain much more intense and the reality that much more painful but as I sit here right now I feel so grateful TOO feel. NO matter what, things are constantly getting better. In the large aspect of life my path seems to be headed in the correct direction for the time. Maybe that's just it..... there is no fairy tale per se, we just have milestones in our lives a constant up and down. Orbiting in and out of one anothers lives by the end of each of our lives i wonder how many 'loves' we will have. Right now, I am 100% madly focused on ME.

Saying Goodbye

Sometimes in life things happen when we least expect it, someone comes in our life and just as quickly as they came, they leave. Sometimes they take a piece of us with them and questions unanswered, pain and heartache with even the mention of their name resonate for what seems like forever. When you finally get the chance to retrieve whatever it was they took from you when they left, and you fina...lly get the answers to the questions you've had, you have this sigh of relief....this lift of weight as if you just had one hell of a crash diet and lost everything in one moment. Closure is such a good thing to have when a relationship ends, it's something we all need even if we chose to lie to ourselves about it. I sit here today on the eve of my 34th birthday with that piece I was missing back in my possession, the questions answered and the seat next to me empty once again. A few tears shed and the words I needed to hear for so long 'I'm sorry' still linger in my ears. It's a good day to be alive, and I feel more alive today than I have since November 11 2013. I can now move forward in a part of my life I've been holding back and hiding and I couldn't be more excited about it. Its scary- but I'm ready for the rest of my life.

It wont be soon, I doubt but at least now I can be fully open to the chance that someday again I will have a connection on every level, be able to trust and eventually share my life and adventures with someone who will value me as I do them. Life is far to short to sit around thinking your broken when all along it wasn't you- truth is we're all a little bent, we just have to find a soul with the same curves that we have to fit out odd little scars in life. It's not a fucking easy road, not by any means but saying goodbye today was one of the best things I've ever done for myself and my future.

NOW- it's time to find some water and flounder around. I hope everyone has an amazing day. I hope the love you give is returned, the smiles you give are plenty and the laughter you feel is deep and genuine. There aren't many true matches in this world, not real ones so if you ever get the chance to pair up with another soul that you can FEEL from the other side of the world.... hold on to them as if your life depends on it, because it just might. Love is painful but it's also the most amazing experience we can have as human beings and I'm ready to get back out there and live
like it's the last day- Love and light! namaste

Changes: Sometimes, you have to be a Lion

What DO you enjoy?

I recently sat down and asked myself the following questions:

1.      What would I really enjoy doing?

2.      Why do I enjoy it?

3.      What am I really good at?

4.      What makes me good at this?

You see, it’s not the first time I’ve found myself twisted sideways in every direction  bound by my own blankets from whatever it was causing me to feel suffocated. Recently I have been waking in a drenched sweat with a panic feeling deep inside my soul. It’s not the kind of dreams that you are being chased by a man with a chainsaw, or razor like claws clapsing closer and closer to you in the dead of night…. NO…. this is the kind of dream where you are slowly being suffocated by the biggest snake you could imagine but your so suffocated that you cannot even be scared of the snake anymore, you literally just fight for air…. YEP I’m there.

I absolutely love life… I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before? J I have been suffocated by that fucking snake for far too long, trying not to move so the grip will remain unchanged instead of tightening slowly until my bones are crushed and my last breath seeps from my lips. I have always truly believed that you can only complain about something for so long before it becomes your own fault that you are miserable in that place. Stand up, grab yourself by the ass and go live life dammit.

 

I vowed to myself while I jotted each word, I have to make the changes to make any difference in the day to day routine or shut the hell up and continue on this path like some rental pony in the Colorado mountains saved from the glue factory the day of slaughter. Quietly following the horses’ ass in front of you only inches from his tail as if in a total sleep state. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t get up every day and do the same things over and over, same topic, same voices cracking over the conference call. So I decided now is the time to begin something new, to start couple fires while stamping around on the same beaten path day to day in and out, up and down then restart only to repeat. Instead of repeating ONLY, why not toss in some things I enjoy elsewhere and see where it goes?

Worst thing to happen, I get lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere and have to restart again. Scary, but not unbearable, not painful and sad…. I’ll take scary over sad any day J

 

JULY

I can feel it coming the way you can feel a person’s energy right behind you without even looking. The air gets heavier to breathe as if my throat is constricted by an unseen hand, an unspoken heaviness that rests softly on your shoulders like your favorite scarf. Armor in a way. I can feel my eyes swelling and my nerves begin to dance uncomfortably as if the emotion they are feeling is new. It isn’t, new…. It’s residual but every year it comes with a new surprise. A new weakness or a new strength I hadn’t known was there the year before hell, maybe a new memory will pop up, or a picture will fall out of a book but everywhere I turn, I feel it, see it, hear it, and sometimes even smell it coming. July is here again. This makes year 11.

I clench my jaw in an attempt to make me sit up straighter, to keep the lump in my throat from growing larger. I prevent those around me from seeing what is happening by laughing it off or hiding to gather myself, swallow the tears and get back out there. I hate July, but I am making the best of it year by year.

Happy Birthday Little Light!!!

Ten years ago my life changed forever in just a matter of hours. It didn't just change my life, but ME as a person, a human being, as a woman. I had become a mother. The first few days I hardly slept, staring at you every waking moment, witnessing the MIRACLE that I held all of my broken pieces together again. The times you gazed back, no words exchanged, just emotion, energy.... LOVE they brought tears to my eyes, good tears.... happy tears. You grew so fast the first year, then the second and by the third you were out running me a good portion of the time on a daily basis. Each year you grew physically, yes... but it was more than that. As if over night you woke up wiser yes, but wiser than most 'babies'. The conversations we were having by the time you were four still blow my mind, and the compassion and kindness you show even to this very second make my heart swell with such pride it brings me to tears. Your sense of humor has perfected along with your quick wit and sensitive heart. I have wiped tears away for you those moments when you just didn't understand why but 'you needed to cry', all the way to the tears you held back on the last day of school because you were going to miss your friends, but didn't want them to see you cry and it breaks my heart knowing you will shed many more tears in this lifetime that I won't be able to stop, just be there to hold you and wipe them away.

In ten years you have managed to change every single aspect of my being on this earth. My purpose, my goals, my passions and my love of LIFE. YOU Jaida May, have given me the TEN best years of my life thus far. In such a young lady I have found the most affectionate baby girl, the kindest and gentlest young lady, the most sensitive and loving little girls and one of the best friends & Daughter a mother could ever wish for. If in this lifetime I do not go forward and make a difference, or change the world in ANY way...... being your mother, having the honor of growing with you and witnessing your purity every single day the past ten years, I have at least done that and I know with all that I am you, my beautiful little girl are going to make a difference in this scary world we live in. I cannot wait to hold your hand the rest of the way as you grow into the young lady and eventually young woman.

You make me proud every single day and I love you with all that I am or every will be. Happy Tenth Birthday Jaida May Worm!!!!!!