Happy 2010

Here we are again, one more year of disapointment in the Cowboys. My love will forever be to that team but after watching them get their asses handed  to them by the Vickings, I am glad the season is over and i can now sit back and watch the frantic fans of the Saints and Vicking sweat bullets not really caring who wins beyond this point.

Another weekend gone and it's already a New Year- Where does  time go anymore? Feels like yesterday was summer, and here i sit in grey winter skies with a dull painful light from the sun trying to hard as ever to burn through the clouds that leark here to remind us of the season.

My New Year was great- the evening and really the first few weeks have been MORE than interesting with having a fender bender in the ice, buying a new car and numerous other ventures that seem to pop up and disapear in the same breath. These months grow stagnent on me, i find myself looking out the window not really caring if i even go outside for lack of energy and sunshine. No wonder we pack on the 'winter weight' HA. not much to do - especially after football season but to just cook, and eat and then cook more because well.... it passes the time happily. Here are a few shots from the NYE:

My new best friend that night- I cannot remember her name but her and her husband were so much fun and really a good 'poster child' for marriage. It was a blast.

KD, and Katie

Lovin Life.

YES they are REAL $2.00 bills- strange isn't it! :P)

So in the memory of the New Year Cheers to you all, hope it was a good one!

Inevidability of Life

As I sat there under the heat lamp, getting highlights put in my hair I had no choice but to witness the ineveidable signs of age. There in the chair next to me sat an old man. He was there with his daughter, who was much older than my parents, so I can only imagine how old this gentleman was. As they shuffled him slowly to cut his hair in the typical military hair cut “high and tight”, they shuffled him back sitting him slowly next to me. I pretended to be into conversation on my phone via text, in reality I was observing every inch of this miraculous human.




He sat quietly, unable to hear well obviously. His eyes looked sad, likely from seeing most everyone in his life pass before him and his hands shook in horrid trembles. He was aged, but not as you see people age today, this was age of a man who had worked hard his entire life. Obviously, not just because of the hair, but the stature of which he tried to sit, he’d been in the military and served our country so that people like me could have the comfort of ‘getting our hair done’ like it was the best thing to happen to us in weeks. It opened my eyes the more I looked the man, his hands were aged that of a man who worked hard with them his whole life, his cheeks soft with deep wrinkles and soft pale tint. The hands would stop shaking just long enough for me to see the blood veins bulging out and scars from years of work. His eyes were brown, deep and dark and when he looked at me, I knew I was busted. He caught me, staring at his age. I kept trying to look away, wondering what was going through his mind as he stared so silently out the window watching passing cars. I wondered what he thought of when all he could seem to hear was the blurred sound of voices speaking in the background.



He glanced down at my shoes, no doubt wondering what the hell the ‘kids were wearing these days’ me, sporting one of my favorite Ed Hardy’s, shiny black with 40’s tattoos style designs and huge fake diamonds as the bling instead of laces. His eyes lightened up as he smiled a little, looking back at my face I couldn’t help but smile too. In that second he looked young again, the sparkle in his eye, no dobut from entertainment of the fashion I was sporting and for one second it seemed like we were in the same mind frame. It wasn’t long after he giggled that his young, yet still very aged daughter seemingly irritated with his disposition pulled him from his seat and shuffled him to the car. I couldn’t help but stare even as they drove away. Here I sat hoping that in my old age, my daughter would care for me like that, or maybe I would get lucky and not live to need cared for.



As I paid for my highlights, it was pointed out to me that I had a flat tire. I couldn’t help but laugh, the only tires on my new car that i didn’t replace…. Of course they were flat. So as I sat giggling at my tire situation and the fact the only ride I had was my ex husband – or baby daddy  to come rescue me I couldn’t help but be thankful for the chance meeting and shared smile between myself and the old man. I wanted to cry watching his movements until I saw his eyes looking directly into mine and I knew that even a flat tire wouldn’t be the worst of my worries. I just needed to put my faith in a better spot. So I did. I sit here back at work, smiling, my daughter watching a movie next to me here in the office while my poor father is out in the weather fixing my flat. I’m so lucky to have the people in my life that I have. The ones I hear from often, and the ones I never see. The ones that I’ll someday have to care for and the ones that will care for me. What a beautiful day. I hope you’re all warm in your lives with smiles on your hearts. Peace.

Doc Said "Rocky it's only a scratch!"

Dont pass me by- dont make me cry- dont make me blue! Ok so it's been a Beatles kinda day. busy day, long day, glad to be home day even if i am totally alone, i still have my Beatles -hence the title and the first sentence. So we are due for more 'winter weather' tonight which as you might know i'm kind of excited for, maybe i'll go sled in the dark? Read a book in front of the fire place? sit naked in the ice? nah, that sounds a bit much doesn't it? :)

Lots and lots on my mind these days- I took this picture to show a friend my hair the other day- look close, it kinda says a lot- Whatcha think im thinkin?

Nothing really- I actually saw a huge crow out the window about the same time i snapped the shot. Do i sit around taking pictures of me? Sometimes. Is it because I am a narcassist? No. I think i'm about to start showing my age, frankly i'm scared to death because i see the lines in my face when i put my make up on, i hear the sound of my thoughts when nobody else can. But, i wont deny if you see in the eyes enough there is something there, you know, the thing i can't figure out that's gone. In any case, here comes the weather, here i sit with my beatles blaring and my dogs outside barking just to annoy the animals in the woods. I think they are successful.

I hope you all have a wonderful night, enjoy the snow/ice with someone you love. I'll be in bed with my dog. xoxo  Bams

Some Random Shots of Beauty

Funniest Child EVER- Probly the coolest too!




My Fav Flats, lost forever, ooh my friends how you are missed.




Just an after thought til i get my Austin Jersey!




Pride...



The beauty of life and it's creations!







Memories that last forever.......and best friends too!






Good Times... Best Friends



Always a bright light inside!




Beauty in Nature- at it's finest





Mouse Face at Turkey Day

"Drink Coffee- Do stupid things even faster"

What a Holiday! I'm glad to say it is O.V.E.R. yet still basking in the glory of friends and family. It might have been one of the nicest Christmas's I have had in several years. I spent Christmas night alone though- it's always different when you have absolutly nobody to share the actual Holiday with. It is rather sobering in a way. In any case Xmas Eve was wonderful and the following Saturday as well.

It snowed here, i believe it was our first white Christmas in years, typically all WE get is ice. It was a nice change and much welcomed. The silence of the snow still nearly takes my breath away. The smell is alluring in itself though, enough to make me stop in my tracks and breath as deep as i can. I was outside on my deck today, snow still stuck to the ground, just not roads, not that we got much anyways. The sun was in full bloom today and it felt so good. I had to lean against the post, face to the beautiful sun as always and breath in the cold air as deep as i could. Euphoric is really all i can say.

It has definatly been an emotional month, or i should say, few months. Every day i wake up finding just a little more about myself, happy with who i am yet missing something I can't seem to find, not even really sure what it is or if it exists for real it's like searching for the back of your earing, you might as well say fuck it and go buy a new one. So that leaves a gap- I have no money or no clue what to buy... new shoes... that's more like it. Great idea!

So the Cowboys get to go to play offs if they beat the Eagles next week. OF course you know who i'm rooting for, but i wont cry if it's the EAgles that go this year either i Just think my boys deserve the chance more so than a team that picked up a douche bag like Vick. (my opinion, if you beat dogs, you should get beat... simple.. not handed your paycheck back to pay all your millions of dollars in fines) so that is my only beaf with my secondary NFL team. So, in all ... go COWBOYS!


Have you ever watched the flame dance on a candle? sometimes, it stands totally still, not moving in the slightest. You can see the definition. The darker outside of the flame, the bright inner light and the dark wick at the center. Suddenly as if it caught your breath from accross the room, it flicks to the right, then the left and appears to dance for you. It waves softly in each direction, flickers quickly then stands strangly still again. If i had to put my life into an analogy right now, because those closest to me know i'm pretty good with those. THAT would be my life. That beautiful candle just accross the room from me, the blue one. It smells like the Ocean (ok, so not really b/c i dont smell salt water or fish) but it is calming, peaceful and warm. from the outside. Like my life. Of course i'm not sure my life LOOKS very calming at all to many people.. but it is. I think i spend more time focusing on moments in life than most anyone i know, vs the big picture. I'm not sure if losing things over and over again (people, places, things, memories, bullshit in general) makes it more obvious that you should stop and breath in the moment or maybe i should give some credit to the Buddhist religion. in any case, i belive both are responsible.

I see things different these days. the candle isn't just a source of light and warmth, it's deeper. it has that hot solid edge, the one people SEE and dont think about. the external shell of the fires of life if you will. once you get past the blinding 'what appears to be a solid line' of definition around the light, you see the LIGHT it's self. it gets brighter some times, then duller and more orange, then back to vibrant yellow and so on. That's more of me as a woman, just human. soaking in emotion from all directions. Loving so much and so many, cry so hard and missing or losing things (from lives to earing backs)laughing so much i could cry happy tears to crying so hard i have to laugh. the part that matters is the wick though. the part nobody else really sees unless they can look through the flame into the middle- the eye of it- the wick. My soul. It appears dark to the eye, the wick of a candle. because in theory it is, it's just a wick right, you light that ugly dark thing and out of it comes light and warmth. love so to speak. Have you ever just wanted to blow your damn candle out for like a week? LOL I dont mean indefinatly just hit pause. Stop. Hault. Nobody move. I'm gonna lay down and sleep and when i wake up my flame will be brighter, my spirit charged, my wick even stronger and this time i'll be dancing and will never stop! HA I want a vacation.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, HOliday, whatever it was, or wasn't to you. In any case, i hope you spent a few days, weeks or even just hours with friends/family you love and who love you. I hope you were lifted up and your candle flame danced. I hope your smiles came free and the laughter was so intense your cheek bones feel as if they are frozen and cramping. THAT is the best kind of laughter. I hope you were out with your old friends, learning of places they've been, storys they told or faces they've met. Home with your family passing gifts and egg nog along with the newest baby of the family. AT the dinner table with whomever you needed at that moment passing the Lasagna around like it is tradition for xmas dinner :)

We always get what we need, no doubt about that. We dont always get what we want, that's for damn sure. But when exactly do we work hard enough to deserve them both at the same time? I'm ready for my good Karma, any day now Universe... God? Anyone? lay it on me!

Peace to you all, Much love from my little piece of heaven on earth here in the middle of nowhere AR.