Stepping Stones and Lessons Learned

So, I was talking to someone from my past recently. Not just anyone, at one time he was my everything, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this person and never have to wonder again. It was the first man I fell in love with. I was young though, coming out of a divorce nothing was 'right' about the few years we spent together, yet even after it ended I often dreamed of him I even have a book I started about a dream he was in, but it's sat stagnite in the archives for several years now. Until April of last year I'd not felt a certain twinge in my soul since him but I always knew in the back of my mind it was a ridiculous thing that had to happen in my life to make me realize what I was worth, what I wanted and what I didn't want. Well then last April came around and I morphed back into this person who suddenly believed the fairy tales were true and that I had found my one, and would live happily ever after. Today, as I sat in a gymnasium waiting for my daughter musical to begin I caught a scent I'd not experienced in years, it was HIS cologne. Butterflies whipped up in my stomach like I flew back in time. I realized the gentleman close to me must have taken a bath in this cologne because then the smell began to burn my nose, then my eyes and I had to find a reason to move it was too much. It made me think, right then.... how glad I am to have gotten away from that person in a relationship standpoint when I did. I cannot imagine the woman i would be today had I remained blind to the truth and let that toxic back and fourth continue. All these years now, and talking to him is like speaking with an old classmate. Give or take, emotionally I'm not affected at all. I couldn't help but think about him, and then my most recent heart break side by side. The only two men I've ever LOVED from spirit to soul and I look back now and realize I didn't know his soul at all, fuck I was dumb in my 20's.

Albeit I'm not far into my 30's, but I do know I am 110% different than I was ten years ago and in the best way possible. If it hadn't been for all of the events in that time frame, I am not real sure WHO I would be today, but it wouldn't be the woman I see in the mirror. I have loved, and lost then FELL in love and lost. I have succeeded in things as much as I have failed. I have had just as many not so awesome days as I have magnificent ones. I'm pretty fond of them all no matter how terrible. I guess the reality of my flashback, my thought process that took me back in time was good. It made me realize how REAL the love I just lost was. It made the pain much more intense and the reality that much more painful but as I sit here right now I feel so grateful TOO feel. NO matter what, things are constantly getting better. In the large aspect of life my path seems to be headed in the correct direction for the time. Maybe that's just it..... there is no fairy tale per se, we just have milestones in our lives a constant up and down. Orbiting in and out of one anothers lives by the end of each of our lives i wonder how many 'loves' we will have. Right now, I am 100% madly focused on ME.

Saying Goodbye

Sometimes in life things happen when we least expect it, someone comes in our life and just as quickly as they came, they leave. Sometimes they take a piece of us with them and questions unanswered, pain and heartache with even the mention of their name resonate for what seems like forever. When you finally get the chance to retrieve whatever it was they took from you when they left, and you fina...lly get the answers to the questions you've had, you have this sigh of relief....this lift of weight as if you just had one hell of a crash diet and lost everything in one moment. Closure is such a good thing to have when a relationship ends, it's something we all need even if we chose to lie to ourselves about it. I sit here today on the eve of my 34th birthday with that piece I was missing back in my possession, the questions answered and the seat next to me empty once again. A few tears shed and the words I needed to hear for so long 'I'm sorry' still linger in my ears. It's a good day to be alive, and I feel more alive today than I have since November 11 2013. I can now move forward in a part of my life I've been holding back and hiding and I couldn't be more excited about it. Its scary- but I'm ready for the rest of my life.

It wont be soon, I doubt but at least now I can be fully open to the chance that someday again I will have a connection on every level, be able to trust and eventually share my life and adventures with someone who will value me as I do them. Life is far to short to sit around thinking your broken when all along it wasn't you- truth is we're all a little bent, we just have to find a soul with the same curves that we have to fit out odd little scars in life. It's not a fucking easy road, not by any means but saying goodbye today was one of the best things I've ever done for myself and my future.

NOW- it's time to find some water and flounder around. I hope everyone has an amazing day. I hope the love you give is returned, the smiles you give are plenty and the laughter you feel is deep and genuine. There aren't many true matches in this world, not real ones so if you ever get the chance to pair up with another soul that you can FEEL from the other side of the world.... hold on to them as if your life depends on it, because it just might. Love is painful but it's also the most amazing experience we can have as human beings and I'm ready to get back out there and live
like it's the last day- Love and light! namaste

Changes: Sometimes, you have to be a Lion

What DO you enjoy?

I recently sat down and asked myself the following questions:

1.      What would I really enjoy doing?

2.      Why do I enjoy it?

3.      What am I really good at?

4.      What makes me good at this?

You see, it’s not the first time I’ve found myself twisted sideways in every direction  bound by my own blankets from whatever it was causing me to feel suffocated. Recently I have been waking in a drenched sweat with a panic feeling deep inside my soul. It’s not the kind of dreams that you are being chased by a man with a chainsaw, or razor like claws clapsing closer and closer to you in the dead of night…. NO…. this is the kind of dream where you are slowly being suffocated by the biggest snake you could imagine but your so suffocated that you cannot even be scared of the snake anymore, you literally just fight for air…. YEP I’m there.

I absolutely love life… I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before? J I have been suffocated by that fucking snake for far too long, trying not to move so the grip will remain unchanged instead of tightening slowly until my bones are crushed and my last breath seeps from my lips. I have always truly believed that you can only complain about something for so long before it becomes your own fault that you are miserable in that place. Stand up, grab yourself by the ass and go live life dammit.

 

I vowed to myself while I jotted each word, I have to make the changes to make any difference in the day to day routine or shut the hell up and continue on this path like some rental pony in the Colorado mountains saved from the glue factory the day of slaughter. Quietly following the horses’ ass in front of you only inches from his tail as if in a total sleep state. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t get up every day and do the same things over and over, same topic, same voices cracking over the conference call. So I decided now is the time to begin something new, to start couple fires while stamping around on the same beaten path day to day in and out, up and down then restart only to repeat. Instead of repeating ONLY, why not toss in some things I enjoy elsewhere and see where it goes?

Worst thing to happen, I get lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere and have to restart again. Scary, but not unbearable, not painful and sad…. I’ll take scary over sad any day J

 

JULY

I can feel it coming the way you can feel a person’s energy right behind you without even looking. The air gets heavier to breathe as if my throat is constricted by an unseen hand, an unspoken heaviness that rests softly on your shoulders like your favorite scarf. Armor in a way. I can feel my eyes swelling and my nerves begin to dance uncomfortably as if the emotion they are feeling is new. It isn’t, new…. It’s residual but every year it comes with a new surprise. A new weakness or a new strength I hadn’t known was there the year before hell, maybe a new memory will pop up, or a picture will fall out of a book but everywhere I turn, I feel it, see it, hear it, and sometimes even smell it coming. July is here again. This makes year 11.

I clench my jaw in an attempt to make me sit up straighter, to keep the lump in my throat from growing larger. I prevent those around me from seeing what is happening by laughing it off or hiding to gather myself, swallow the tears and get back out there. I hate July, but I am making the best of it year by year.

Happy Birthday Little Light!!!

Ten years ago my life changed forever in just a matter of hours. It didn't just change my life, but ME as a person, a human being, as a woman. I had become a mother. The first few days I hardly slept, staring at you every waking moment, witnessing the MIRACLE that I held all of my broken pieces together again. The times you gazed back, no words exchanged, just emotion, energy.... LOVE they brought tears to my eyes, good tears.... happy tears. You grew so fast the first year, then the second and by the third you were out running me a good portion of the time on a daily basis. Each year you grew physically, yes... but it was more than that. As if over night you woke up wiser yes, but wiser than most 'babies'. The conversations we were having by the time you were four still blow my mind, and the compassion and kindness you show even to this very second make my heart swell with such pride it brings me to tears. Your sense of humor has perfected along with your quick wit and sensitive heart. I have wiped tears away for you those moments when you just didn't understand why but 'you needed to cry', all the way to the tears you held back on the last day of school because you were going to miss your friends, but didn't want them to see you cry and it breaks my heart knowing you will shed many more tears in this lifetime that I won't be able to stop, just be there to hold you and wipe them away.

In ten years you have managed to change every single aspect of my being on this earth. My purpose, my goals, my passions and my love of LIFE. YOU Jaida May, have given me the TEN best years of my life thus far. In such a young lady I have found the most affectionate baby girl, the kindest and gentlest young lady, the most sensitive and loving little girls and one of the best friends & Daughter a mother could ever wish for. If in this lifetime I do not go forward and make a difference, or change the world in ANY way...... being your mother, having the honor of growing with you and witnessing your purity every single day the past ten years, I have at least done that and I know with all that I am you, my beautiful little girl are going to make a difference in this scary world we live in. I cannot wait to hold your hand the rest of the way as you grow into the young lady and eventually young woman.

You make me proud every single day and I love you with all that I am or every will be. Happy Tenth Birthday Jaida May Worm!!!!!!

Balance of Energy

Negative is not something anyone substantial has called me, in this lifetime. I have had reasons, i have had bad days, but  all in all this oddly chaotic life I've been handed in this particular shell has been pretty unbelievable thus far. I could be a drunk, every morning laying in a sap of tears talking to a bottle that only numbs me. Instead I drink socially with friends or a glass of wine with a good writing session or patio conversation with friends.

I could have turned to drugs years ago, used that as the excuse. I know many who have, luckily most come out with their lives and become wonderful people, some lost to death or just distance between lives in general. I dabbled as i grew up after HS like a child experiments with all things... but not to the extent it affected me.  I wanted to be that hard girl. The one  that could take it, no matter the strength and walk away like a warrior would, head up, chin tight, eyes forward. My mother raised me neve
r to rely on anyone else, in the end we can only truly rely on ourselves and we need to know how to do it.  I changed all of that in myself, voluntarily a few years back though, the HARD nosed, break your face type of standing up for myself. I moved to Holiday Island, I spent time with amazing people in Eureka Springs Arkansas and somewhere along the way I helped center myself and lose a part of myself at the same time. The people, the place, the energy helped to put my soul in the right spot to align with my mind and woke me up in a sense. to WHO Bambi is. It's pretty fucking cool to be honest. Some of the most vivid, happy memories of my life, and a few of the scariest, most terrifying and heart breaking as well. The place, holds a piece of me that i visit every single time i return and i feel at home there now, again.... always have.

Figuring myself out, who I am, what I want, what I don't want, then looking at me from the outside in.....I'm not easy! not in ANY sense of the word, unless i want to be but if all you see of me is the smile, the cheer and the uplifting, never seen a tear, heard a flicker of pain or seen the dark side of my soul then you don't KNOW me, and that's OK. For some of you, it is best this way. For those of you who know all of me, the good... the bad... the happy, the sad, the exhausted and the enthusiastic and you still stand there, next to me. You hold me when I need to just lose it. You make me laugh when you know it's time, who come pull me out of bed and take me where the sunshine is and the music is good. the friendship is true and the loyalty is strong. The trust runs deep like a spring you can feel and maybe hear but never find.

I used to trust easy, made you break my trust to take it away, every stranger on the street was a real friend to me at one time. It was innocent, i was naive, it was ignorant but it was full filling to a point. I don't miss those days, but i miss the ability to trust easily. It isn't one time that I was burned and chose not to play with that fire again, it was the repetative reaching through the flame only to come out with a blister from hell every fucking time that has taught me to be what i am today. I'm scared as fuck, but I am strong as fuck too. not many see the weak side, the tears or the break downs. Not many see the anxiety because what makes me strong is holding everyone else up and that seems to be my purpose here, at least for now. Sometimes though, I need to fold up and have a soft place to lay. Words of compassion. sometimes, just the three words we all long to hear are enough to resolve a million tears. Three words that with each shocking sizzle of flame bursting into a painful blister become scarier and scarier. Less and less what it was supposed to mean inside my world, my ideals, my wishes, my dream. LOVE - a give and take equal. A kindness that comes with a connection that resonates for days, weeks, months, YEARS.

Maybe I really am meant to be alone in this lifetime. I can't change this person I am, I've worked so hard to be a good woman, loving kind, giving, caring and honest. I'm blunt, harsh, but I'm happy, kind and loyal and POSITIVE. Maybe too much for most, and that's OK it just goes back to the 'encounters for a reason, season or lesson' and it's the most accurate cliche to date if you ask me.

The point is no matter what you do for others, how much you love, give, care, support or just listen you will NEVER find another human on earth that will do these from the heart FOR YOU besides a parent. So it's up to you (me) to stop focusing so much on everyone else and DO ME again. I've been saying it, but i recently got off track. Well, after a lot of tears, a lot of soul searching I am almost to the finality of it all.  There are many who love me for who I am, friends yes, but if that's all I can have in life I am totally fine being alone because at least when i need to cry i can call them, or if they aren't around I can cry into my pillow like the little girl i was when my mom left this earth and pretend she's holding me tight.

I have been made to question my self worth, and I find that amazing that I even let it go that far. NO more. I accept people for who they are and if they can't accept me for me, only want the good, not the bad. The happy not to hear about or support me through the sad... then they will soon find themselves on the outside of the wall already building in my soul. I just hope it isn't too late by the time it happens.

Have a fantastic weekend - NAMASTE

A Day Without Rain



I can't hear Enya without thinking of my mothers passing. I always listen to Zen radio when I need to write, but when I put it on Pandora today Enya came out of nowhere to remind life goes on. Like human life, love comes and goes. Nothing lasts forever and we all have different ideas of what it means. We meet someone and begin the 'getting to know you' process, which takes at least a year if things don't go south before then. It's either a happy relationship or toxic sort of like life as well. Once someone we love dies, and leave us here to cherish only the memory we had with them the only thing keeping them alive here on earth is OUR memory.

I think I lost my mom early to teach me how to recover from loss. I mean, I do believe all things happen for a reason so this has to be why, at least that's what I'm telling myself these days. Her death taught me compassion and understanding. How to love others above myself and what true pain is. Without the pain her death caused me, I'm afraid I would still be the girl I was almost 11 years ago and that wouldn't be acceptable.

You have to grieve the loss of a loved one regardless of how you lost them. It could be death, a break up, they moved away or just the end of a friendship in general. I have had my fair share of grief in this lifetime, I wouldn't change it because it's made me stronger, happier and more understanding but holy shit can a girl get a break? Really? I feel as if I am at the point in life that death is no longer the unspoken fear  of attending one yearly funeral, I'm quite afraid I've reached the point that it is a major part of life and what's more, I'm afraid I'm growing numb to it.

My dad lost one of his best friends to heart attack. He was young, only 57. That doesn't even begin to touch on the death I've witnessed in the past 8 months. Death of loved ones from this world, death of friendships no longer beneficial to either party and finally the death of a love I thought was real. It was real, for me, not him, but for me. I have grieved my fair share and am back up on my feet, head to the sky with positive outlook on life again. Like any grief though I spent my fare share of days in bed, thousands of Kleenex and a few drunk evenings to try and forget but the scar is healing. Seems death from this earthly life is no longer a fear for me I expect it, maybe that too is a numbing agent, I'm not sure.

But, like birth (happening every three seconds) there are many more relationships to be had, laughter to share and time to spend with new and old friends. Dating is sort of like pregnancy I guess, it's a real pain in the ass mostly. I've tried to begin putting myself out there only to discover that I am emotionally unavailable unless it's just a good time. I still cringe at the thought of being touched sexually and that is something I need to work on. I am after all, in my prime and though I am not lonely when I'm alone, the thought of being held as I drift off to sleep seems appealing sometimes and my dog is too small to make much of a difference but settling is not an option anymore, no matter how many vow to 'treat me like a queen', to offer anything but friendship on my behalf would be a blatant lie, and that's not fair to anyone. Until the key fits perfectly in the lock my soul remains closed to certain emotions and feelings leaving room for only laughter, friendship and adventure. That's all I have time or a yearning for anymore. I want to be gone all the time. I want to drive across the US stopping to take pictures of any little thing my heart desires. I want to change jobs and finally find something I enjoy doing. I want to make a difference in the world and I'm sure as hell not doing it where I am in life right now.

So, tomorrow is a new day. Stepping out of my box and going on an overnight date. I can only pray he is a gentleman and respects my choice to abstain from physical ........... relations.... god even trying to type it made me sort of ill from nerves. Baby steps... he has the same passions I do for life in a lot of ways, and the wanderlust undying so I think regardless it will be a new, exciting adventure. That is unless I end up chopped into pieces on the side of I-44, in which case..... good for me, right? :) Joking- Well friends, thanks again as always for reading my random bullshit ramblings, but I figured it was time to let you know publicly that I'm back. My soul is still injured but I'm back to my independent, life loving, compassionate self that has disappeared the past few months. I'm ready to love others before myself again, but don't take that wrong, I still come FIRST these days and nothing will change that again.

Namaste- Sunday is the new moon! Send out your intentions to the universe and smile when they come rushing back!

Roller Coaster We Call Life

Life is funny. The roller coaster comparison is about as truthful as it gets. You start out nervous and full of excitement, you are strapped in as tight as they can get you and you have no idea how long the ride will last. It’s a new world as you take off swiftly around each corner and finally approaching that gigantic hill. You begin climbing that hill, slowly…. Click, click, click… as you climb. You look out to each side and try to lose yourself in the scenery, taking your mind off the climb. Once you reach the top, you pause, quietly overlooking the world around you, silence takes over and you can only hear your own heartbeat as you begin to feel the gravity pulling you downwards. The involuntary movement towards the ground causes a deep flutter in your stomach sending adrenaline rushing through your veins immediately, a smile like never before. Moved, shaken and whipped in every direction as you eventually come to a straight and begin to slow down. Checking to see the bar is still intact and you didn’t lose your favorite sunglasses from your head you hear the sudden click far ahead. Over and over this cycle repeats until finally you are whipped and slashed around only to find your ride, suddenly stops. No warning, heads leerching forward, the bars rise and we are free again, unstable on our feet reaching for the rails. Looking back to see new passengers boarding as you reaching the decline, the place you look back at the pictures of your ride, and point out the scariest moment, or when ‘I almost puked’. Trying to act as if you were fearless didn’t work b/c right there for the world to see, pictures of the ride from the beginning to the very end. The roller coaster of life, isn’t that a bitch? J

Day Dreams

 

 

I want to wake up tomorrow
with all of my problems solved
a smile on my face
and the pain truly resolved

 

The sun coming up
on a bright spring day
a soft rain to wash
all of yesterday away

 

Toes in the sand
and sun on my skin
drink in my hand
oh, this peaceful place I'm in

 

Nothing but ocean
Kissing the shore
here in this place
who could ever want more?

Emotions

Broken, shattered and laying on the floor
Crawling, scratching, reaching for the door
I forgot why I am in this place, or where I was before
Until you put your face to mine and asked me for just one more.

Giving isn’t easy and trusting isn’t safe
But that’s what got me here in the first place
Questioning events, conversations and friends
Searching for the answers to make these amends

I find nothing when I look for you
Nothing but an empty space
Your presence still lingers too,
When I look to the mirror, sometimes I see your face

What is real and what is fake?
Is the life we live the life we chose to make?
What exactly is the purpose of love, the emotion?
It makes as much sense as a rain drop to the ocean

But picking back up and carrying on
That’s how I was raised and so I shall be gone
To discover my purpose and live to my potential
Hoping along the way I find passion torrential

Fake smiles become real
And the numb eventually allows me to feel
The laughter comes back with time
And I know eventually I’ll be just fine.

wondering

Sitting here in my make shift office in my house, worn out from the common cold I settle in for some sunday football, onlyt to once again watch my Cowboys lose by a mistake. Still, I am loyal. I feel the need to write and i turn to a pack of recently purchased camel crush. It's been months since i enjoyed en entire cigarette without excessive drink. i like the vaporizors. 0MG nicotine and it doesn't stink, i dig it. something though, about when a poem pours out of the depths of my soul causes this urge to enhale smoke, feel it suffocate my lungs and tighten my throat, exhale and watch the visible stench pour from my pursed lips. Emotion is amazing really. Pain, leads to understanding, leads to love, leads to pain, leads to hope... and so on... ups, downs...... Life is one HELL of a ride but so far, I think i'm a head of the house on this one. I woke up today with your face in my mind The words in my head were not very kind Your eyes asked forgiveness but raged with despair You tried to grab hold of and drag me down there. Weakness is not but a vision you see When I want you to think I am down on my knees. Surrender to fear and run like a doe, You’ve made me realize most friends are more foe. Standing back up with a fist full of fire I won’t settle until he’s met every desire. A faith in something I know I can’t see, Yet feeling is always enough for me. So back in the dark I wonder alone my light shines brightly with few whom are shown. Selective and careful from this point and on, For the path we will travel is not a safe one. Whatever it takes to complete this one task Is all I have of the higher, to ask. Just one perfect moment of which doesn’t exist To belong in my lifetime, hand over fist. Finding this peace deep within me, Has been the best trip a girl could foresee. Not even mid-life has knocked on my door For my soul will wonder for years and years more.

Bah-Humbug

It's cold here, ice covered trees and muddy fields echoing the grey skies of winter, it bores me, makes me want to sleep. My body hurts, as if I were 30 years older and my mind races to the point of exhaustion, I don't feel like I can get enough sleep. Typically I can escape into the dream world, before going to sleep trying to set my intentions on amazing things so that when I wake, I feel the resolution of the dream, the good ones. Lately they haven't been great, not even a little bit and they are starting to scare me. I know the point of it all, I GET what my soul is trying to tell me, it's a matter of changing things in my waking world that I'm having issues with. STAY busy. THAT saves me from the thoughts in the daylight but when I close my eyes the reality of the pain hidden by day creeps back in and tears the band aid off my heart causing an overflow of emotion. Today I woke up screaming AND crying. Happy Fucking Holidays kid- another year with no family, no mother, alone. I typically let my daughter stay with her dad for most of all holidays, at least the majority of the time. I don't see the point in keeping her here bored out of her mind with me, when she can be with a huge family, playing with cousins and having sleep overs with them. This year I get her on XMAS Eve though, and I'm elated that for once I wont be alone with my thoughts, the memories of a season I used to love. You can lose a million people in this lifetime but it never gets easier, not times like this. It's been almost ten years since my mother left this earth and without her during the holidays, I just don't care anymore. I pretend really well for my daughter. I put up a tree, wrap presents and cook a meal like any other family but in the end while everyone else lays around their grandparents house, laughing and catching up over a cocktail or chocolate milk, I can't help but sit here and stare at this empty house. I remember when i was little, how magical this place was. My mom made Christmas, it was never about presents... it was about OUR presence as a family. I never did get much in the way of gifts, nothing real spectacular but it didn't matter, getting anything back then was HUGE. We didn't have money to blow on toys or game systems we sat around the table and played board games. The house would always smell of homemade food, ham, turkey, which ever my mom decided we would have that year. The house was filled with a certain kind of warmth, a love that is unexplainable. Christmas eve night we would sit by candle light with the radio on the Christmas Carol, and being the little dork I was, I would act out every scene while my parents had cocktails and laughed, I had fresh hot chocolate with as many marshmallows that i could fit in my cup. Waking up Christmas morning - the one last gift that Santa had left, and how his notes always resembled my mothers beautiful handwriting. Even after i found out he wasn't real, they still left me that ONE morning gift. The sizzle of bacon is gone, the background of Christmas music doesn't play here, right now only classical. Amazing how life has changed me through the years, how my belief system has been tested and altered. How in a matter of ten years a person can go from LOVING all holidays', to wanting to sleep through them all. It's funny though, i look back at the same times every year and some well meaning person is there saying 'it will get easier with time' but it doesn't. It never has. I just get more and more resentful that she left me here alone, not one person to tell me anything about myself when i was little anymore. My step dad can't remember, my real dad doesn't know b/c he wasn't there and the rest of my family that would know are either dead or so consumed it's not worth the time to ask. So anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy ..... whatever the hell you call this next couple of days. I hope and pray you are all surrounded by loved ones that you stay warm, have a healthy meal to fill your belly and a happy heart to feed your soul. I"m working very hard on mine and cannot wait to get my daughter today and have her the next 48. Anything before or after that, can suck it. I'm working on ME, But i deserve a day to miss my mother and cry about it. Today is that day... Namaste

Silence is White

The silence of the snow is deafening. I sit staring out the window, watching each snow flake dance and twirl in such grace it mezmorizes me, transcends me into a different dimention/place/time. I’ve never been a fan of the cold, I prefer to watch it from inside, unless of course, I am in my 4wd then it becomes fun. The pure beauty silences the earth as it falls covering all that remains of the life still hanging on in nature, it covers everything, the ugly, the beautiful, the mundane only to transform the world for a small period of time, into a pure bright white light of silence and beauty. It blankets the world with such beauty for such a short time only to melt and turn uncover the once hidden items below, the dead trees, the dead flowers, grass and turns to a muddy mess. The once pure white flakes shoved into piles turned to filth and then winter shows it’s ugliness once again. Like life though we get to enjoy and witness the pure, the good, the beauty but it’s only a matter of time before the purity goes away, the beauty is dulled and the truth of what lies beneath the beauty melts away and exposes the things less than beautiful, ugly, hardening, things we wish to stay hidden, death.. The yin and yang so to speak. Within each of us we have both good and bad, it’s whichever we choose to let take over our soul that creates the person we become. Both are within us at all times. We often battle the emotions that cause the good, or the bad to arise. Life kicks our asses sometimes, ok lets be honest, a lot. Lately I feel like I’ve been in the emotional fight of my life. I have gotten back up though, I feel my strength coming back slowly, each day I get stronger emotionally and yet I fear the cold will set in again and that scares me but I’m working really hard to let others in, to try, to be me again and except any invitation to have fun, no matter what mood I might be in. No matter how badly I want to sit and cry or look at pictures that need to be deleted. I’m ready for the rest of my life, so bring it, the good and the bad… I’m ready. I just wish the pain would leave me alone, the person who causes the pain would go away. Someday I’ll understand why this happened to me, and it will help me heal completely, but until then I’m wounded, walking around in this world with my head held high yet rebuilding on the inside. I sure can’t let others know I’m broken, not now. I have to hold them up and if I’m not there to do it, who will. Have a wonderful evening my friends- Namaste

Beautiful Scars of Art

There is something about needles that causes my stomach to lurch and my back to tighten. Even the small ones they poke your finger with to test your colesterol. I think it's from being in the ICU for so long when I was 12, those IV needles are like twigs. Its funny though, with every tattoo you have there is always that one person who says 'did that hurt' I never know how to reply to that question, still don't because my idea of unbearable life changing pain is emotional, not physical. Physical pain is my reminder i'm alive without it how would i know when i feel too good? it's ying and yang of life only in the perspective of ACHES physical and mental. My first tattoo was a tiny LEO sign on the back of my ankle, me and my best friend Annie got them togehter. Real rebels back then at what 17 I went ahead and got the black WITH blue outline, it's all of the size of a dime and my grandma always told me it looked like a worm. I knew the minute he fired that tattoo gun up back then it was going to be some sort of strange addiction for me and it is, still to this day. HOURS later and up to seven depending on how you count them, pieces of art i have collected I am preparing to further my collection in the coming days. I have wanted a half sleeve of flowers and butterflies for as long as i can remember and so Friday I get the start on the outside of my sleeve. I cannot wait. I have chose to use my own photography going forward, every flower, every butterfly will be one of my own shots. If i can't make a living out of what i love, i'll have an artist put it on me forever. The flower i picked for the first piece is magnificent- I want the entire top of my shoulder joint to be covered with this..... It's funny. I remember the day i took this picture. The place so fitting for how i feel inside right now, Sunken Gardens. Beautiful really. Anyways, It seems to be a pattern with me. I get injured emotionally and next thing you know i have new ink. Every piece of art on my body has significance to it, some pain, raw emotion, happiness and even peace. Reminders, and memories, dates and meaning all pint up in that little gun with about 20 needles in it depending on what your doing. When the tattoo gun fires up it's the adrenaline equivalent to hearing the bars lock down on your lap anticipating the roller coaster ride you so eagerly waited in line for. The smell of the ink as the artist carefully examines the picture to match color for color laying out a pallet of small plastic containers full of color. The last time i watched this particular artist create the lovely lotus on the inside of my right arm it was different from the last three artist i let work on me. He was different. I watched him put two different pinks back in the box then pull them out and compare at least twice before choosing and all be damned if by the time he was done it wasn't one of my favorite pieces. The minute the needles hit your skin the sound of the motor on the gun dulls down and your nerves twinge through your body. You are made aware immediately that something is happening physically and mentally you check into and focus on THAT.... in a way it's a meditation.... at least to me. It's a pain, but unlike any other. Its therapeutic. watching the artist basically paint an image into your skin and the sound of the air compressor running the gun in the back ground brings you to the moment with no choice but to BE in the moment. Your attention, every nerve of your body is there.... under his hand. Soft handed this man, he made brush strokes as if it were a water color. I knew five minutes in he was going to OWN my right arm and I am proud to say i have my appt. Friday it begins. I think we all have our quirks, our odd vices, strange addictions or fucked up patterns we follow. This is mine. When i originally chose this picture to be the first piece to start the sleeve, I chose it because of the moment, because for only the second time I was getting this in place of a good memory. not a memorial, or a phrase to remind me to stop letting people walk on me, it was on my arm the moment the shutter snapped on the camera. The happiness i felt that day has been swiftly replaced by pain which come Friday will transform into reality, a part of me.... another memory meant to be happy that will forever remind me of RIGHT NOW. I can't wait to feel the cold trace paper on my arm as he peels it back and applies AD ointment- the smell, the sound. I can close my eyes and listen to the vibration of the gun against my skin, tearing and burning the same place over and over in a motion that would cause most to cringe it makes me relax because with every every physical nerve twinge something from the emotional pain goes away. As if the emotional wear and tear in my soul is extracted into this air and needle filled gun and deposited forever in my arm. With every stroke, every needle, every scar filled with INK my soul gets lighter, the pain in my heart subsides and i feel stronger. It sounds insane i'm sure. Physical pain to erase the emotional but i'll take physical any day. I dont have a lot left in my soul to be damaged anymore before i stop caring inside dont come back again. I dont want be the girl i was once, cold, heartless almost and with the first sign of emotion i ran. The unatainable because i was so scared to be hurt again i had no faith whatsoever in love. So this sleeve, with every payment, every appointment, every breath taking inch of this artwork is going to be filled with my true intentions, what is left for me. The rest of the girl i almost lost. If i hide that soft sweet girl among the flora in my arm she will be deposited forever and maybe later when it's time i can find her again a reminder of the possibilities my future hold, the reminder that i am capable and when the time comes and the stars align maybe i wont be wrong this time. Stay Tuned- NAMASTE

Mirrors

I’m not sure what is real anymore my life plays out like a scripted mini series but not as mundane. I know astrological signs don’t mean a lot to some, they mean everything to others and I fit somewhere in the middle, you know where you get an odd horoscope you just maybe NOT sign important papers that day. It can’t HURT to be cautious. I have this book my mom gave me on my 13th birthday, it’s a very important book. She got it in Colorado visiting my aunt, by the time I finally got it, she knew every family member by heart and had wrote their names on the pages. It started this little tradition. For every person who reads my book, their specific date of birth down to the elements they sign their name on the page. I hadn’t looked at that book until recently, at least not for half a year or so, and even then I hadn’t sat and read mine in a while. I remember in my early twenties taking a red pin and underlining every characteristic that was either dead on, and or I needed and wanted to change to be a better person. This book doesn’t candy coat it, it straight tells you what you are by naming you. I am the August 4- The Day of the Guiding Light. It made me smile with something from far within not just superficial who my braces kinda grin, a real intense, happy told you so feeling. I always leap to my mother when moments like this greet me and it is something completely out of the ordinary realm of emotion/feeling throughout your body. I hadn’t realized until maybe the past year and a half slowly that maybe I am in a way. Maybe I don’t see myself the way other people do. I did, at least the ones who's opinion shouldn’t have mattered to me to start with but since childhood I have had this overwhelming urge to please…. Everyone. Well that works like flying with an umbrella… not going to get you real far. Still though it hasn’t changed my make-up, my soul. I’m not sure yet, what my full purpose in this life is yet but I think I’m close, in fact, I truly believe the best part of my life is around this next rocky little mountain. I don’t mind it though the trip has been fantastic. I met someone at a concert three years ago, day before my 30th birthday actually. It wasn’t just a concert though, something you snap pics of, maybe take a video or two then leave it on your hard drive until you forget about it all together. NO, this was a three day concert with some of my all time favorite artists. So many, at the same times in fact, I only saw one show, start to sweaty finish and that was Eminem. Life changing. Sober. Talented. Small and explosive…. AMAZING. I wont go into the true cheesy sounding story of this man but he saw me, we talked briefly and parted ways the first day, he talked with my dad a few times I guess. Eventually the last full day we met again and he WOULDN’T leave my side. He was enamored with me, I thought he was cute, his eyes were true and damaged like mine, it’s not rare, it’s just not a spoken thing upon meeting someone. It was an amazing night. I saw the black keys for the first time live on his shoulders, best seat in the house. He was tall, strong, manly but genuine and kind…. At a concert…. That shit doesn’t happen ever they’re almost always total douche bags. Anyways…. We stayed in touch. Both of us in relationships that we discussed that night were were certain wouldn’t last forever, but that we were content, safe, existing. Two years we text off and on nothing more than small talk or the occasional flirt in the middle of nowhere. Nothing really. But we did get to know one another, somehow. We met back up in April 2013- I fell in love with him when he walked off the elevator and I saw him for the first time in THREE years in person. I was so scared, nervous, heart racing and soul flutteringly freaked out. He was too, almost pale. Awkward at first, yet comfortable we headed out to the best place to break the ice.. society/bar/restaurant/ DARTS- it went from there. I missed him every day from that moment we parted. I knew before the concert when we were sitting out in the sun seemingly in our own world yet surrounded ironically by so many old friends from Eureka Springs. It was surreal. Anyways……….. it ended the other day. I don’t understand any small bit of it to be honest. We were soul mates (I thought) we had talked about this (I thought) had even had this discussion our first and only legitimate argument and it was stupid/over our fears/our feelings/our lives. What I am realizing today, as the person I’ve become. The LEO I was born and will die as. My astrological sign is dead on, it couldn’t describe me more accurately. I thought so whole hearted that this was the man I would grow old with, laughing, making jokes and having the time of o ur lives up to the rascal races at the nursing home. My heart is big, this much is true. I am fierce/passionate. When I love I give every small particle of myself (if I trust you totally which isn’t easy to do these days) it’s happened a few times. That heart crushing ache in your chest and the uncontrollable sobbing. If you have not witnessed this kind of pain/loss it’s a grieving process regardless just like death and if you haven’t felt this and your even remotely close to thirty you are either super lucky or not human and I’ll go with the later. Because of my heart/my soul and lioness would best fit how I feel when I need to draw strength. I get knocked down pretty hard, left breathless and weak for days and days literally not giving a shit to the point I don’t even get out of bed for water I’d rather stumble to the bathroom turn on the faucet then turn around and go back to bed. That was me this past week. I knew it was coming at this exact day last week. Monday the 11th. I knew the way he kissed me goodbye that morning that something was wrong. Something was gone but it wasn’t me. I fell in love with a magnificent person. It ‘wasn’t working’ for him, regardless of what we felt (or I thought WE felt) together. It ended as if watching that damn car accident over and over in my nightmares. Just as you get to the car to realize they are dead it burst into flames and theres nothing anyone can do but stand and watch it burn with the silence of the adrenaline and the crackling of the gas tank signal the coming explosion then bam. Your stuck with residual side affects, memories that flash in your head. Sudden heart ache that causes your face to leak without even being able to control the facial muscles. Not even a sob yet, or all out cry, just a leak….. big tears both sides involuntary and the moment I opened this birthday book today I remembered who I am and even though we were only happy for seven months (no longer my lucky number by the way!) it was the happiest time in my life to ever have shared with a lover/boyfriend/husband/friend. It hurts like a son of a bitch right now, but I can smile when I think of him and the fact that it wasn’t wasted. It showed me the part of that LEO I put away sooooo long ago. The part that never TOTALLY trusted, believed, always had a doubt in her mind, caution in a way and an escape route in case the walls fall in….. she went away and I was emotionally naked to the world. My eyes, my doe eyes mom said she always told me that they put off a different light than most others. I don’t know about different, but I know it’s a pretty good one. My soul, the one currently renting out this shell, it’s been around a long time I can feel it. And I am finally that woman she always told me I was. I wouldn’t be so confident if in recent weeks I’d not had so many people comment on my ‘light’ and I’m there- in that place in life where I can proudly say I am READY for the rest of my life. I’m ready to SHARE it with someone though. The past seven months were what I want for the rest of my life. And I understand, he wasn’t on the same page as me. It’s ok and it doesn’t change that I love him. But it does tell me I’m approaching that place in life they call ‘the best days of your life’ I look my best, once these braces come off. I feel my best. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and I absolutely do like who I am. I might not be perfect, but I am the best version of ME and only getting better. And this experience, this only made me better and I thank you so much Mr. Husker. I miss you. I love you with all of me and I wish you nothing in this life but the best. Your amazing. You are driven and it shows and you are great at what you do. You will go far, you are becoming an asset. I hope someday we can sit and have dinner as friends, but that time wont be anytime soon. I have had to love you from a distance this time, I prefer to continue the process. I strickly cannot see your face without going backwards now. Not now that we are on different paths. NAMASTE- learn it. Use it. Believe it. See it Bams

And here we go again............

Have you ever felt something so powerful it consumed your soul, your very being? You dont want to let it consume you, it just does. The power of emotion, passion and laughter takes over and you give in even though something deep inside is telling you to keep your walls up, you bust them down, let someone in and trust with all you have. When I love, I do with with all of me. If I love i give with all I have and all I am and by all that i mean i would literally give my life for someone I love. It seems though, no matter how hard we try or how true it feels that love is almost never returned and within a short amount of time the walls of this blissful bubble begin to pop and realities sink in. I made this list, about this time last year actually, I am starting to think Fall is the season for men to decide suddenly they love me... but. ha! What a fucking joke anyways... love.... i can't count how many times I have written about the emotion that i can honestly say as of right now i KNOW exists but only in the form of love for other beings, not true romantic soul mate kind of love. I know regardless of all relationships people have disagreements, imperfections and love is what makes you accept those regardless of the situation. I do this, all thet time but am baffled by the fact I rarley get this in return. I dont want to give up hope but the straight logic of it all is, what's the fucking point? Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not fit enough, not rich enough, no boobs.... it's always something. But you know what I dig who I am. I just think it's time to be very selective upon the souls i let enter my peaceful being. I let someone in all the way, walls down and I regret it with all I am right now. I have not felt such pain since I lost my mother. In the end it will all be alright, in a bit I will be stronger, ready to take on the world again and a little bit cold hearted than before but it's best really. Apparently a girl like me isn't meant to be loved by one, but all my friends. Relationships are apparently not meant for me. It's always one extreme or the other, i love them too much or they love me too much. What a sick cycle - it ends here. From today forward i have revised my must have and must have NOT list for future dating, when the time comes they must meat this criteria regardless of situations and probably go through the friend test before they even get a first date. In the end, all things happen for a reason and I fell in love, got my heart broken and fell to pieces. Day by day i will pick up those pieces and put myself back together only to find the end result will be the best version of me. It wont be a mistake I make again anytime soon= lesson = All Men Lie- All Men Use- All Men Leave..... two can play at that game, but I refuse to go that low. I wish him peace and love - wait, I hope he figures out the true meaning of love better yet, god knows he must have read his version in fortune cookie. Forgive my bitter heart bloggies... i wish you all peace and light. Namaste.

Thoughts

I realized today, something I’ve always known but refuse to believe because of the ego we all hold so dear. While sitting back staring out the window of a 747 waiting to take off. Watching the size of these machines move around one another with such grace, wondering how many passengers in each of them waiting patiently to take off down several runways as we passed. The sudden rage of the engine firing up to take off holds so much power and intensity that it gives me butterflies. As we leave the ground the world that only a moment ago was just as big as the reality of day to day life becomes smaller and smaller, the life below seems more and more insignificant as we rise. Gradually floating through the layer of thick clouds that recently covered me in a shadow slowly fades and we rise above them into the light, reaching such a point that in a distance I see the slight curvature of the earths atmosphere. I realize just then… this is as close to exiting this particular universe as I ever will be, until the day comes my soul leaves this shell and since none of us really know what lies after this lifetime, I chose to believe maybe in this particular moment that maybe just maybe if Christianity is true- then I am as close to heaven, where the souls of those past before me are waiting to greet me with a smile or a hug and tell me ‘I told you so’ or ‘man, don’t you wish you had..’….. . OR, I’m just as close to orbiting the earth as I will ever be while alive. either way it’s a great fantasy. So it is moments like this, that I hope to look back on later in life, on the days when the skies are grey and the sun is nowhere in site, when I just want to lay down and not get up until it’s bright blue skies and warm weather. I want to look back at this moment and realize that if I can only get past that first layer of clouds, it’s always brighter once you do, and the farther we climb in that realm the prettier it gets regardless of what is going on down there on earth, where we are all so buried in our day to day drama and bullshit stress of life that we forget to stop and think about how small it all really is in the end. Our jobs will still be there and the issue we deal with today may just as easily go away tomorrow, the hunger and poverty in the country will be there when we land and the smiles we felt a few hours ago may turn to tears with the ring of our cell phones. I guess what it is I realized, that I’ve always known is, day to day, moment to moment the good or the bad, can come and go just as quickly as this amazing machine can lift my small insignificant life into the sky. It’s all minimal in the end, in the scope of it all.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day- Namaste

Moments

Today, for the first time in what seems like years, I took a long hot bubble bath. Not the kind of bath you take because your too exhausted to stand in the shower so you just let yourself soak lifelessly for as long as your pickled skin can handle it… no. It was the kind of bubble bath where every small step of its creation was one of an almost passion. Homemade bath salts with extra lavender oil, lavender bubbles and Pandora shuffling only classical music. As I emerged myself into the steaming hot suds held together by an iron tub. Not just any tub, a classic. The Claw Foot Tub- in famous almost, with my family. For as long as I can remember my mother loved them and I never understood why until I got old enough to appreciate the slanted back and the way the iron stays cool under your body while the nearly boiling hot water surrounding you causes steam to roll off your legs and into the air as if a storm were brewing in the difference of temperature. The back hugs your shoulders as if to comfort you as the length of it supports even the longest, pale bruised legs. I laid back in utter surrender today, emotionally and physically drained to the point of tears. I laid back snug in the comfort of iron arms wrapped so tightly around me, just enough to hold my head above water when I realized something. The laptop placed on the very edge of the bathroom sink, was not only strolling through some of the most beautiful classical music I hadn’t heard in a LONG time echoed perfectly throughout the entire room, but my laptop itself had taken a break and the screen saver was changing slowly along with each note pouring from the speakers. As I laid there in amazement I watched my life flash before my eyes. There… on this tiny screen a picture of my life would appear. A picture, a memory, a moment forgotten until now. I watched as summers passed of such great friends taking road trips, the last mother/daughter trip I took with my mom and the amazing beauty that is Colorado. I saw Jaida, at Easter when she was two, finding an egg next to a concrete angel. The horses, me and my long hair so stoically sporting the long blond locks along side the typical Eagles Cheerleader uniform. There was that one from Prom, when I didn’t want to go with anyone who asked me, so I took my best friend Travis. It was the most fun of all four Proms truth be told. I see pictures of my nephew that I’ve not seen in a while now that made my heart sad. There were just a few from a certain concert, from a certain milestone birthday (30) and a certain person who is now, somehow back in my life. There were embarrassing pictures too, the kind that start with art… a bright green hand painted big dog chopper with ostrich seat and chrome everything! Then as the art changes a young girl, lost in a moment of youth, beauty, and intoxication showing a kind of appreciation that only bikers can adore. Smiles, Tears, love and laughter is all I saw for heavens knows how long. As I sat silently watching my life slowly float along with the music I realized something rather dark and macabre, yet to my mind, highly interesting. It was almost like a PowerPoint you would see at a funeral. Something a loved one would put together for one of my friends. It was all there, every important person in my life. Every person who touched my soul in a way to change me forever, it was there with music and all, as if I were watching the credits to a movie on TLC. I laid emerged in the pictures and music for so long the water around me grew colder, enough to give me a visible chill.




Days like this one, when for whatever reason the universe feels like it is literally falling down around you, moments like this tend to bring you out of it and remind you of all the amazing experiences so far. I went to bed with a smile on my face and a peace in my heart that I needed apparently because for the first time in a while, I slept through the night with out so much as a time check at my typical 3AM.



Peace and Love- Namaste

Just a little picture from the past to remind me who I was, and who I am ... 

The World Through My Eyes Today

Spring is here again, and I couldn't be more thankful. Although the nights of watching the small radar in the corner of your TV screen and waiting for the sirens to blare causing your heart to freeze momentarily then push your adrenaline into panic mode gets really old, every time they stop and I know everyone I love is safe and healthy makes the love of the season come right back to me I must admit, I am a ball of nerves and especially scared here alone, as if the thought of someone I love being with me is better, it just makes it feel more comfortable, the reality is I would rather be totally alone should ,by chance, another tornado ever hits PC again.

I have been writing off and on all day long, nothing substantial really, sections of my book that drew me into a dark part of my mind where I had no interest in staying, I changed the pace and scribbled a few poems but none to completion. I even started an entirely new story and after two pages hit a blank wall. I am unsure if it is the cosmic alignment, the upcoming full moon, the emotional shifts in my soul or all of it combined but this is the first time I've sat down and let words pour out of my finger tips and it feels good. It caught me off guard a bit to be honest. I found myself totally submerged in feelings I knew where there yet chased away, wanted to believe were not true and then some that confused the living shit out of me all in all trying to figure out which ones to chase off and which ones can stay. (tilts head back, laughing at the sky)



It's funny, to me, to look back at the posts I made a year ago, hell two years ago. Only I know where I was, what I really felt and where I was heading and now when I read them thru a fresh set of eyes. It makes me wonder how many different stories came out out of them because of the way they are perceived.


Tonight, the sky was amazing as the storms passed. I spent most of the evening ignoring it all by cleaning out my closets and blocking out the world with my randomness of Pandora stations on shuffle.It wasn't until I went into my kitchen go get more tea that i realized the color of the evening sky was that of the most amazing yellow. At first glance I honestly thought something was wrong with my eyes, the dark colors that last graced the panes of my windows was now replaced with this iridescent yet foggy yellow. I didn't take my eyes off the windows as i walked out of the kitchen, thru the living room and out the back door. I am not sure that i even blinked for fear it would change. It was surreal, almost like walking into OZ. As i opened my back porch door even the feeling in the air was dense, moist, almost sweet on my lips. I stood there in total silence trying to take it all in, trying to understand what it was i was seeing but i just stared. I took my phone out in an attempt to capture this moment, where the clouds looked as if they came directly from a Tim Burton Movie, and the air felt so soft it had to be a dream. I am not even sure how long i stood there but it felt like hours.

 It wasn't until I went back inside and looked at the picture I snapped on my phone, that i realized it was nothing like what i had just witnessed, no yellow, no detail, no graceful looking clouds dancing behind the tree limbs it looked, just like storm clouds passing............. it looked just... like this.....

Just like moments in our lives, I think we all see them differently, feel an intense emotion that makes our hearts ache or smile, see the color in something a little brighter than someone else, or hears that echo of beauty among the chirping of the birds and rustling of the trees.




I walked back into my house and sat quietly on the couch staring at the picture on my phone and it was as if the yellow was just for me, for my soul at that particular moment. I glanced back outside and the yellow tint was still there, but nothing like it was when i stood outside with my face to the sky. The birds were chirping loudly again, the train in the distance became more clear with each whistle and the small sounds of a daily routine came to life around me once again.

Is it silly to believe that this world existed, in that moment exactly how I felt it, saw it, and still feel it on my skin? Once i looked at the picture, it changed how i felt about the moment, was it fair to let this cause me to question my true emotion? Do I question things too often? Thank heavens I'm not a cat because my curiosity would have killed me nine times over by now because the truth is I am not convinced that two people in the world can or ever will see and feel the exact same things at the exact same moment. I want to believe that i shared that moment with someone else, that it wasn't just me getting caught up in the beauty around me that is so rare these days i let it take my mind to a new place all together. I don't want to be alone in this emotion i want to share it, i want everyone to see it how i see it but i know it will never be and that saddens me. For once, I want to believe it and somehow it turns out to be true, just this one time I want the optimistic girl I've watched grow old so young to have one thing turn out just how she believed. But, if even half of it came true the world would be a better place and we just couldn't have that now, could we?

I sat down once again pondering so many questions, wishing on days like today that i could shut off my brain but i cant, no amount of sleep aides help I let fear, and happiness, love and anger, frustration and sadness come flushing in at the same time and it is a lot to handle. I made a promise to myself not so long ago to always be true to myself. I took Shakespeare's words and made them my own in a place that forever reminds me never to let others make me cry, never let others hurt me but the more I read it and the more I understand it in my own right, the more I know that without the chances, the beliefs in life and sadly, the disappointments i would never truly know a great day, feeling, emotion, action or thought. Nothing would mean more to me than anything else and that, would be a waste of life on this planet. Cheers to scrambled energy and positive thinking. I suppose I'll ride this train until it derails or reaches it's destination, either way it's going to be a great ride!

Namaste-

Excerpt from Dreams-

His hand, wrapped around me holding tightly to the small of my back, began to burn, ache and yet I could not move Frozen, there eye to eye as he smiled at me my entire body began to feel as if I were set on fire. Tears fell from my face, blood drops falling down my cheek as quickly as they emerged. His touch was painful like a razor blade gashing at my flesh followed by the most intense burn as if my body were drenched in gasoline over and over again. His eyes, still fixed on mine, he leaned forward and kissed me. I could see the fire in his eyes, or was it a reflection of him in mine? I couldn’t tell but the pain was unbearable yet I was unable to fight him off. As he pulled his head back and smiled with his chiseled jaw line he was a thing of beauty, yet he was so evil, he WAS pain…. He was every bad, dark, evil, painful thing in the world combined into one being… today he took a beautiful form, how will he disguise himself to approach me tomorrow? I could no longer stand, I fell to my knees in such pain just wishing for death, any moment now.. the flames began to distinguish as I lay there watching the flesh boil from my bare bones watching him walk away I turned to ashes as he smiled and told me he loved me and as the lie poured from his lips, I blew away.