The Merry Month of May

If you were here, standing before me…….. I am no longer sure what I would say to you. These days, of celebration no longer feel worth a party to me, yet I try to continue the way you would have. I try more and more these days to remember the special event for my friends, and what family I have left. I sport a smile, never a gift because I never have money for it anymore. I pretend I’m not thinking of you with celebration and yet still all these years later it still sneaks up on me slowly……. Painfully.

May 1- brings such beauty as every spring, it just feels so much more ALIVE outside on the first of may.

May 2- The dream happens again and again and all I can do is take sleeping pills hoping that with those and meditation the dream wont come but it does.

May 3- I remember seven years ago watching you work on the finishing touches of the farm house, the new siding was glowing white, and it looked beautiful, only a few more panels to be put on. My heart starts to ache as if a mix of anxiety and pain try to attack the now frozen muscle hidden in my chest. We took family pictures that day. The first grandchild you had from your only daughter was growing inside of me and none of us knew. You looked terrible, you were so sick.

May 4- I was working, Adam was with you and papa. You guys had worked all day to finish the house. I was excited to see it! Adam and I lived in Monett and the storms were all over the radio but the sky was clear as we stood out in the driveway grilling steaks watching the darkness move over the north joking about how beautiful it was at our house when the sirens went off. We jumped in the car and took off towards Pierce City when my cell phone rang. It was you, telling us not to come over as planned because the house was shredded and the farm gone. It was the last cell phone conversation anyone in that area would have for a while, I’m still not sure how you got through to me. Against your wishes we tried to get to you….finally parking at the catholic cemetery. I remember the red old navy flip flops I had on slapping against my feet as I ran as fast as I could jumping over fallen trees and live powerlines. Tears running down my face not knowing what I would find when I got to you. When I first saw our town, my home town, the place I urged so much to be away from gone my heart broke and I ran faster. The distruction was horrific. It was probably only a two mile run from our car to your house but when I reached the driveway I couldn’t tell which end was up. The horses were bleeding, the dogs had debris in their hair. You were walking circles while papa made make shift pens for the horses. I stepped on a nail as I ran towards you with my arms reached out, you yelled at me in anger, and fear then we hugged. Looking around at the land that just hours before was pristine and clean, clear and beautiful the house almost new looking now broken down, shattered and filled with glass and insulation. It was the small closet/bathroom that saved you and papa. We were all in shock. That night each of us carried an animal- having to leave the horses of course, as we took our walk into town to check on the other house. I remember thinking to myself ‘this must be what an LA riot looked like back in the 70’s) with the helicopters, spot lights, powerlines snapping in the streets and emergency vehichles everywhere. I don’t remember any sounds, only helicopters echoing through my head. As we walked past the armory we all stood in horror as the building that once was the ‘safe house’ for storms had collapsed on many from our town, and rescue workers were digging to get people out. The building that once stood as a tall fortrice type building now nothing but a pile of bricks and frantic faces.

We arrived at the house on Locust and to our amazement it was unscathed except for one broken window. HOW? When just two blocks down was the worst of the devastation, how did it miss this house? We went in and that is where we stayed, you, me, papa, Adam and the animals……. In the light of a carosine lamp trying to figure out where to go next, trying to joke about the follow day and it’s meaning. Wondering to myself, how I would play the Beatles song with no electric

May 5- Happy Birthday Mom! You turned 47. The day after that tornado literally torn so many lives apart, it was the unhappiest birthday you’d ever had. It was the beginning of the end of the celebration of birthdays all around. May 5 2003- marks the last day I ever cared about a birthday.

A week later we told you we were pregnant, Adam and I. I wasn’t supposed to have children, it felt surreal, it was a great feeling. You were so happy you bragged to your friends.

Happy Grandparents

May 24th- I had a miscarriage. You blamed it on the tornado. I was between six and seven weeks along. It was five am. I had been up off and on all night with cramps, knowing what was coming b/c of my hcg levels. Adam held me all night, he was still asleep when it happened. I did what the doctor said, I picked my child up and sat in the bathroom on the floor in tears and blood. You were the first person I called. What light the pregnancy had brought back to you after your sickness, and the distruction of that tornado went away that day. We cried so hard together, it was your first grand baby, one you would have met before your death that was staring us all in the face anyways. Your frail face held tears until they were streaming so quickly it was as if a dam had busted. That was the day you lost hope.

Jaida at age two - Your angel in the background

However, years have come and passed. As you know Jaida May Worm was born almost exactly a year from the date we lost the first baby. I know it was your gift to me for leaving me just weeks before my own birthday. I know you, and adams dad and God sat and had a meeting, making a decision that would forever reflect both of you when we look into her eyes. She has your spirit, and your heart. She has his bravery and strength. The rest she got from Adam and I but we know every day where she really came from and so even though her birthday is really and truly the only one I celebrate with true happy tears in my eyes, a real smile on my face and hope in my heart. Tomorrow is your birthday Mom, you would be 54 tomorrow. I could crack jokes at your age and pluck grey hairs. I could cook your favorite German Chocolate cake and sing you happy birthday. Jaida would have a card for you, hand written and colored with such care. And so, we will. That is the plan. I’ll see you tomorrow mom. Jaida has flowers she wants to plant on your island, next to your angel that protect your ashes. I will make the cake and papa will oversee the operation. We will have a glasss of wine, or maybe a whole bottle, and I’ll be sure to leave some for you. Jaida asked me the other day if she can leave a piece of cake on your bench so if you got hungry that night you could come eat it (like santa claus). So when you see the single slice of cake at sundown, it’s for you. I’ll be sure to only put one candle on it, so we don’t burn the house down with the what would have been 54 of them. I miss you. I love you. Happy birthday.

Fantastic Fathers and Fortunate People

Since Mothers Day is still a hard day to swallow, even after of these years... Fathers Day is really a day of true appreciation in my life. I am surrounded by so many wonderful people in my life that it is days like today when you stop to look around at not only your father, or step father, but the fathers in your life who have raised, are raising or someday will be fabulous fathers.

Obviously Papa wins award number one. Without him in my life since I was my daughters age, I wouldn't have the respect I do for hard working men/veterans of war/or true undying love.

I watched Papa as I grew up, treat my mother like the queen. My mom was never that woman who needed much in the way of pampering but it didn't really matter, because papa went out of his way to take care of her. I think it laid a lot of ground work in my soul when it comes to seeing love in a couples eyes and nothing makes me happier than to see two people happy... genuinely happy. I am more thankful for him than he might ever know, though i try to tell him and show him as often as possible. Afterall, when my battery died the other day, leaving me stranded here on this beautiful mountain my otherwise busted bubble... it was he who drove an hour, bought me a battery and put the new one in. I love you papa.

To my biological father- who by all accounts was never truly raised with a lot of love, from what I can tell.. he sure does TRY hard to figure out how to love me. He didn't raise me, but he helped my step mom raise my beautiful sisters (gorgeous twins!!) and honestly they are amazing and even if he doesn't think so, he had a little hand in how they turned out. I dont have the closest relationship with him, and for so many reasons not even worth mentioning, no matter how much emotional pain i've been caused through words... and only words... the most painful kind of hurt you can inflict on someone you love... it doesn't change the fact that he is my father and i love him with all my heart.

It's not often that a girl gets not one, but two dads. Bikers at that and both with big hearts and two totally different persona lites. I am lucky in every single way, shape and form to have them both in my life and without a mother, it makes it even THAT much more important to be sure they know they are loved.

Marriage doesn't always work out. When you're young you think what you have will last forever, and just as quickly as people fall in love, they can fall out of love too. The fact is, we are ever changing, no matter how old we get (inside and out- IF you let your soul age lol) and people grow in different directions. Obviously not many divorces often end in happy friendships, but when you share a child together it is very important to communicate, at least once in a while even if only about your child- if you dont, you end up missing things while they grow up when they're on weekend with the other parent and no matter who comes into your life, people should understand that bond. Sure, Jaida's father and I have had a few rough times, but to be straight honest with you I couldn't be more thankful for him to be the father of my wonderful baby girl.

I think it takes a special man to be a good father. One of those sayings that really hits home is 'any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy' and Adam is by every account in the book, a wonderful daddy to our child. I see her brown eyes and they glisten with the up most joy and happiness and it's not just because I'm a good mother, it's because she has two good parents and she too will someday look back and be very happy and fortunate she had us both. BUT we all know there is a special bond between a daddy and his little girl. Mommy always has to be the bad guy, but how in the world can a big soft hearted daddy look into his own daughters eyes that reflect his own eyes and say no... truth is, i dont think he does a whole lot- and well... it's ok with me :)

I sit here and think about all of my friends who are fathers now, the cute little boys and girls they have, the silliness that you see come out in their eyes when they re children scrape a knee, or fall asleep on their chest. I know a LOT of wonderful fathers. Some of them i see as extent ions of my own family. Annies Dad- though we're not close anymore.... when i see him i still remember growing up there, being scared shit less of his loud voice until finally realizing he was just deaf HA HA- Briannes Dad who gave me my first job on their golf course at 15- and taught me what it was like to see the sunrise when the rest of my friends were sleeping in. He tells jokes like nobody else i know and truth be told, her parents are definatly in my book as my parents too (along with Annies mom and dad... but Betty just goes without saying)

I sit here and think about the people who most likley wish Fathers Day never existed. The ones who lost their fathers no matter if it were little Kenny who took his own life weeks ago, or Ray who passed and broke everyones heart the day before his Steelers kicked my Cowboys asses. (I know he had something to to with that). I know both of those families today have shed more than a few tears, maybe even been angry at the fact that everyone else gets to wrap their arms around their father on this day or at least talk to them in some way. I hope they felt the spirits of their loved ones as I know they do drop in from time to time to be sure you ok. I hope the day ends in peace for them and a smile knowing they're not really gone just not all that visable.

It is in every tear drop that rolls off my cheek that makes me happy and sad all in one tiny moment. My house is quiet. It is just me and my animals (under my feet following me from room to room today) I spent all of yesterday and some of the morning with my papa at the lake with friends- I am fortunate.

For two hours now, i've laid here. Staring up at my ceiling fan yet again, watching it as if any moment something miraculous will happen. Today is not just Fathers Day, today is the first day of Summer. Summer has a different feeling than spring, it is almost as if over night the sun got hotter, my energy level sky rocketed and my soul grew just a little bit more. It is silent in here for now, only the soft humming of the fan spinning and spinning overhead.

Something big is coming. I've been told this by two psychics 3 people i've only met through blogging and well the most valid one.. my own instinct. I dont know what it is yet, but it's pretty damn strong and it's headed this direction. I think all of these years of paying for my Karma in my last life is getting ready to pay me off- maybe... just maybe...

I should be working today. Yes, it's Sunday but I have a lot of things to do for JHA. I'm going to just get up early and do them though, i'm going to relax tonight. Unplug my laptop from the WWW and sit downstairs in my bed with it open looking me in the face. Tonight, I'm going to pick back up on one of my books i've started. Likley not the childrens book, as i'm a deeper mood today even though my writing doubtfully reflects much of that today through random back and fourth like always. After sitting in my tub for a good soak, in the quiet of my bedroom, over looking the most beautiul part of Arkansas and the friendliest wildlife imaginable, i'm going to write at least a chapter in my head, or try before putting it to paper.

Tonight might be the best chapter of the the thriller i have yet to tell anyone i've been writting until just now. Surprise... it's not the memoirs of my life, or the story of the catipillar but something a little on the dark side, with a tad of a romantic twist and maybe some built in fate... Guess we'll see.

Have a peaceful day today. Hug your dad, or call him.. hell send him a text message if you're anything like I am at the moment and have no voice with which to speak verbally. Be thankful, for every father in your life. Not just yours... but your childrens, or your best friends, even the life long friendships that now turn to kid dates on a Saturday at the lake. Not everyone has a father, not in their lives, not everyone has a good father, but the truth is... you shouldn't have to look far for a man in your life you can say is a wonderful father, with wonderful children.

Much love to the fathers who read my blog- I hope you had the most delicious ribs for dinner, or T-bone... or salad.. whatever... and you're laying on the couch in your favorite position, remote in the right hand beverage in the left looking around at your beautiful family being thankful that someone created this day for you. As always, may the sun rest upon your face with the softness and beauty that brings a tear to your eye and a smile to your face. Until tomorrow....