Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sunshine in Hiding

Good Afternoon All! It's a beautiful day here in the Ozarks. The breeze is crisp and a bit moist, trees bright lime green and the sky behind them growing darker and darker. I love Spring for many reasons, the storms are one thing I love and yet fear at the same time. We had our first 'severe storm' complete with tornado warnings about a month ago. The fact my house is built into the side of pure rock here in Arkansas makes me feel safe, yet at the same time I can't help but get nervous and a bit freaked out (to say the least) when i see the county 'red' warning on the tv screen. Last night was just a thunderstorm, nothing to panic about and calming enough of a rain that it lulled me to sleep quite nicely. Something about days like this one make me step back out of reality and think of so many things in the past. I really dont like thinking of the past, i mean it is there... and it did happen, and all for a reason- even if i have NO idea what that reason is yet. I realized yesterday as if running into the side of a building, that it was the two year anniversary of my grandmothers death. I sat quietly wondering if anyone else realized that. I remember the months prior to her dying. I never visited her as much as I should have. Her house smelled of cigarette smoke and I felt guilty to even attempt to bring my daughter into it. Dont get me wrong, it was clean- very unconventional as a 'grandmothers house' would go. She painted, all the time. She had filled one wall in her living room with a mural of a memory she had from New Mexico when she was younger. It was beautiful. I remember walking through her house on each visit in awe over some of the artwork she had created. As she got older and her body gave into the desease (some kind of cancer in her neck?) she had, she grew pale, grey and weak. The last time i saw my grandma I had made her dinner. I tried not to visit her because no matter what, in the course of time I stayed there, as she chain smoked she would talk about three subjects, that only she was right about:

  • Politics

  • Religion

  • My Mom

I dont really like discussing politics for a few reasons. One because you're almost always guaranteed a fight no matter who you talk to about it, and two because what is the point in US arguing? I mean really? Politics have the word TIC (TICK- blood sucking insect that serve no purpose) so that should tell us "not worth our waste of breath".

Religion- I dont think anyone is wrong. I dont think anyone is 100% CORRECT. That is how i feel, I FEEL what I believe about the universe, god, higher powers etc because of the study i've done, years i've spent searching and things i've experienced. NOT because one book or one person told me this was fact from birth and this is the ONLY way to see things. WHY argue about who is right? Isn't the entire point of life to love, be loved and be the best person you can be? In General?

My Mom- Suicide isn't something you just 'understand'. There are two people on this earth who fully understand why my mom did what she did. That is me, and papa. NOBODY else saw what we did for the last year. Nobody heard her bounce from her normal self to a person she didn't even know. Nobody watched her eat one bite of a sand which and throw up from being too 'full'. I had to purchase pot for my mom to smoke so she could be hungry enough NOT to puke, even then it did no good. The day she died she weighed 70 pounds. My grandma didn't know my mom the last two years of her life. Nobody really did but us. She pushed everyone out, especially anyone who would urge her to get help, go through chemo or radiation. She wanted to die with a full head of hair and color in her face. She died with beautiful hair.

Every time I would visit my grandma it was like watching my mom die all over again. My visits grew few and far between and not just because of her health, because i would leave in tears every visit, because my grandma would ask me "Bambi, please explain why she did what she did, i just dont understand". I have tried to explain to everyone in my family what happened. Sometimes I wonder if they even still believe me, but that's not what gets to me. Saturday, while all of us girls were here at my house one of them noticed something not many had ever seen. One of the last pictures taken of my mom was the day before the May 4th Tornado in 2003. She was bone thin, pale, and her teeth stuck out from lack of fat in her cheek bones. It was a rare occasion to get her in front of the camera, as she had a mirror in her house, she knew what she looked like. Sometimes I wonder if I should scan that picture. Send it to everyone just so they too can see what Little Merrie came to me crying about Saturday.

"I had no idea". The famous words of everyone who sees that picture, tears streaming from their faces having had no clue she was really that sick. Merrie, along with all of the other girls was very close to my mom. She was like a second mother to them, as some of their moms were to me.

So yesterday ended in a bit of an emotional state. Not only is it that one time of the month when you (as a women) feel vulnerable to everything abraisive, puffy in the mid section and the temptation to kill any male you come in contact with while eating a chocolate bar... but it was also the day my grandma died. I never had the relationship most people have with their grandmas for numerous reasons, but she was still my grandma and I loved her with all my heart. I miss her art. I miss her laugh. I miss the fact that for my entire life she spelled my name with an E at the end (Bambie) and she was alive when Bambi was originally released for gods sake! She would always send me birthday cards, either a month early or a month late and she drank the worlds worst coffee as strong as you can get it- instant coffee.......... all. Day. Long!

Reflecting on the past isn't always bad. Once people pass onto another world, heaven, spiritual life, or whatever it is you call the passing........ there is NO point in holding onto anything that could possibly be negative with that person's memory. In fact, once something passes in life, we should learn to let go as soon as possible... so we, as a spirit ourselves can only grow stronger.

This time of year is so bitter sweet. I love Spring and Summer (incase you've not noticed a pattern here) but my moms birthday is May 5- Cinco De Mayo. Every time i turn on the radio i hear advertisements for the day and think nothing of battle so heroically won by the Mexicans who deafeated the French with limited power and resource proving the strength of their people... but the strength of one little white woman, who stood barley over five foot tall, had hair like an angel, eyes full of power and called freckles a tan who defeated cancer in her own way. Different battles, Different lifetimes, Different forms of defeat.........In the end, what a great day to celebrate life!

Mr. Tulsa's birthday is May 4- a day when many still mourn for the loss experienced from that fateful tornado that ruined our small town and killed a man who was only looking for safety. A storm that ripped up so many towns in the central US that they play the story of Pierce City, Stockton, Aurora and Republic on the Weather Channel, over and over and over again. That tornado was the start of a lifetime spiral that would eventually lead from my life being rock bottom, to what it is today. July will be five years without my mom. This year- I think I'll celebrate Mr. Tulsa's life.. the Battle won in Mexico and the life I once shared with my mom by a long stroll around the lake with my daughter.

So the past 24 hours have been emotionally trying- I haven't cried, that's huge. I only feel happiness when I think of the people in this post and I am thankful for every memory and every experience I have had in this young life I have lead.

So in ending, I hope you have a beautiful spring day. Sorry I had nothing goofy and stupid to make you laugh today, or loving and heart felt.. just pure, raw human emotion that I have no idea where to put except on the Internet :) so i guess THAT in itself is kinda funny. I'm off to visit a few other blogs that make me smile on a daily basis. Zipbag of Bones is a guarantee- with her sick sadistic humor and cute manor of writ ting. Cocaine Princess because well, her stories let me live a life of riches and beauty through her eyes, Sass because - she's sassy and makes me laugh non stop, even when she's pouring her heart out. And the reality of happilyeverafter- because something tells me if i were to ever meet her in person we'd make really good friends. If you haven't checked out some of the blogs I follow, you should today... I'm tellin' ya- these people make the world go round and why read the news when you have such great stories from all walks of life to read about instead? I mean really!

Peace out my friends and OH-Sass- This is for you. I was shopping with the girls the other day and thought i'd take this picture for you- As cheesy as it is, I might have to buy you this pin so you can wear it so proudly when you drop your kids off at school and go shopping at the grocery store where they all think you are a stripper (welcome to my club) Here's to you:

1 comment:

Sass said...




Like, seriously. Intensely. Thank you so much. For thinking of me, for your kind words, and for always sharing so honestly of yourself.

If you need a laugh, go see my video today. ;)