Thursday, March 27, 2014

A Day Without Rain

I can't hear Enya without thinking of my mothers passing. I always listen to Zen radio when I need to write, but when I put it on Pandora today Enya came out of nowhere to remind life goes on. Like human life, love comes and goes. Nothing lasts forever and we all have different ideas of what it means. We meet someone and begin the 'getting to know you' process, which takes at least a year if things don't go south before then. It's either a happy relationship or toxic sort of like life as well. Once someone we love dies, and leave us here to cherish only the memory we had with them the only thing keeping them alive here on earth is OUR memory.

I think I lost my mom early to teach me how to recover from loss. I mean, I do believe all things happen for a reason so this has to be why, at least that's what I'm telling myself these days. Her death taught me compassion and understanding. How to love others above myself and what true pain is. Without the pain her death caused me, I'm afraid I would still be the girl I was almost 11 years ago and that wouldn't be acceptable.

You have to grieve the loss of a loved one regardless of how you lost them. It could be death, a break up, they moved away or just the end of a friendship in general. I have had my fair share of grief in this lifetime, I wouldn't change it because it's made me stronger, happier and more understanding but holy shit can a girl get a break? Really? I feel as if I am at the point in life that death is no longer the unspoken fear  of attending one yearly funeral, I'm quite afraid I've reached the point that it is a major part of life and what's more, I'm afraid I'm growing numb to it.

My dad lost one of his best friends to heart attack. He was young, only 57. That doesn't even begin to touch on the death I've witnessed in the past 8 months. Death of loved ones from this world, death of friendships no longer beneficial to either party and finally the death of a love I thought was real. It was real, for me, not him, but for me. I have grieved my fair share and am back up on my feet, head to the sky with positive outlook on life again. Like any grief though I spent my fare share of days in bed, thousands of Kleenex and a few drunk evenings to try and forget but the scar is healing. Seems death from this earthly life is no longer a fear for me I expect it, maybe that too is a numbing agent, I'm not sure.

But, like birth (happening every three seconds) there are many more relationships to be had, laughter to share and time to spend with new and old friends. Dating is sort of like pregnancy I guess, it's a real pain in the ass mostly. I've tried to begin putting myself out there only to discover that I am emotionally unavailable unless it's just a good time. I still cringe at the thought of being touched sexually and that is something I need to work on. I am after all, in my prime and though I am not lonely when I'm alone, the thought of being held as I drift off to sleep seems appealing sometimes and my dog is too small to make much of a difference but settling is not an option anymore, no matter how many vow to 'treat me like a queen', to offer anything but friendship on my behalf would be a blatant lie, and that's not fair to anyone. Until the key fits perfectly in the lock my soul remains closed to certain emotions and feelings leaving room for only laughter, friendship and adventure. That's all I have time or a yearning for anymore. I want to be gone all the time. I want to drive across the US stopping to take pictures of any little thing my heart desires. I want to change jobs and finally find something I enjoy doing. I want to make a difference in the world and I'm sure as hell not doing it where I am in life right now.

So, tomorrow is a new day. Stepping out of my box and going on an overnight date. I can only pray he is a gentleman and respects my choice to abstain from physical ........... relations.... god even trying to type it made me sort of ill from nerves. Baby steps... he has the same passions I do for life in a lot of ways, and the wanderlust undying so I think regardless it will be a new, exciting adventure. That is unless I end up chopped into pieces on the side of I-44, in which case..... good for me, right? :) Joking- Well friends, thanks again as always for reading my random bullshit ramblings, but I figured it was time to let you know publicly that I'm back. My soul is still injured but I'm back to my independent, life loving, compassionate self that has disappeared the past few months. I'm ready to love others before myself again, but don't take that wrong, I still come FIRST these days and nothing will change that again.

Namaste- Sunday is the new moon! Send out your intentions to the universe and smile when they come rushing back!

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Roller Coaster We Call Life

Life is funny. The roller coaster comparison is about as truthful as it gets. You start out nervous and full of excitement, you are strapped in as tight as they can get you and you have no idea how long the ride will last. It’s a new world as you take off swiftly around each corner and finally approaching that gigantic hill. You begin climbing that hill, slowly…. Click, click, click… as you climb. You look out to each side and try to lose yourself in the scenery, taking your mind off the climb. Once you reach the top, you pause, quietly overlooking the world around you, silence takes over and you can only hear your own heartbeat as you begin to feel the gravity pulling you downwards. The involuntary movement towards the ground causes a deep flutter in your stomach sending adrenaline rushing through your veins immediately, a smile like never before. Moved, shaken and whipped in every direction as you eventually come to a straight and begin to slow down. Checking to see the bar is still intact and you didn’t lose your favorite sunglasses from your head you hear the sudden click far ahead. Over and over this cycle repeats until finally you are whipped and slashed around only to find your ride, suddenly stops. No warning, heads leerching forward, the bars rise and we are free again, unstable on our feet reaching for the rails. Looking back to see new passengers boarding as you reaching the decline, the place you look back at the pictures of your ride, and point out the scariest moment, or when ‘I almost puked’. Trying to act as if you were fearless didn’t work b/c right there for the world to see, pictures of the ride from the beginning to the very end. The roller coaster of life, isn’t that a bitch? J