Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Doc Said "Rocky it's only a scratch!"

Dont pass me by- dont make me cry- dont make me blue! Ok so it's been a Beatles kinda day. busy day, long day, glad to be home day even if i am totally alone, i still have my Beatles -hence the title and the first sentence. So we are due for more 'winter weather' tonight which as you might know i'm kind of excited for, maybe i'll go sled in the dark? Read a book in front of the fire place? sit naked in the ice? nah, that sounds a bit much doesn't it? :)

Lots and lots on my mind these days- I took this picture to show a friend my hair the other day- look close, it kinda says a lot- Whatcha think im thinkin?

Nothing really- I actually saw a huge crow out the window about the same time i snapped the shot. Do i sit around taking pictures of me? Sometimes. Is it because I am a narcassist? No. I think i'm about to start showing my age, frankly i'm scared to death because i see the lines in my face when i put my make up on, i hear the sound of my thoughts when nobody else can. But, i wont deny if you see in the eyes enough there is something there, you know, the thing i can't figure out that's gone. In any case, here comes the weather, here i sit with my beatles blaring and my dogs outside barking just to annoy the animals in the woods. I think they are successful.

I hope you all have a wonderful night, enjoy the snow/ice with someone you love. I'll be in bed with my dog. xoxo  Bams

Monday, December 28, 2009

Some Random Shots of Beauty

Funniest Child EVER- Probly the coolest too!

My Fav Flats, lost forever, ooh my friends how you are missed.

Just an after thought til i get my Austin Jersey!


The beauty of life and it's creations!

Memories that last forever.......and best friends too!

Good Times... Best Friends

Always a bright light inside!

Beauty in Nature- at it's finest

Mouse Face at Turkey Day

"Drink Coffee- Do stupid things even faster"

What a Holiday! I'm glad to say it is O.V.E.R. yet still basking in the glory of friends and family. It might have been one of the nicest Christmas's I have had in several years. I spent Christmas night alone though- it's always different when you have absolutly nobody to share the actual Holiday with. It is rather sobering in a way. In any case Xmas Eve was wonderful and the following Saturday as well.

It snowed here, i believe it was our first white Christmas in years, typically all WE get is ice. It was a nice change and much welcomed. The silence of the snow still nearly takes my breath away. The smell is alluring in itself though, enough to make me stop in my tracks and breath as deep as i can. I was outside on my deck today, snow still stuck to the ground, just not roads, not that we got much anyways. The sun was in full bloom today and it felt so good. I had to lean against the post, face to the beautiful sun as always and breath in the cold air as deep as i could. Euphoric is really all i can say.

It has definatly been an emotional month, or i should say, few months. Every day i wake up finding just a little more about myself, happy with who i am yet missing something I can't seem to find, not even really sure what it is or if it exists for real it's like searching for the back of your earing, you might as well say fuck it and go buy a new one. So that leaves a gap- I have no money or no clue what to buy... new shoes... that's more like it. Great idea!

So the Cowboys get to go to play offs if they beat the Eagles next week. OF course you know who i'm rooting for, but i wont cry if it's the EAgles that go this year either i Just think my boys deserve the chance more so than a team that picked up a douche bag like Vick. (my opinion, if you beat dogs, you should get beat... simple.. not handed your paycheck back to pay all your millions of dollars in fines) so that is my only beaf with my secondary NFL team. So, in all ... go COWBOYS!

Have you ever watched the flame dance on a candle? sometimes, it stands totally still, not moving in the slightest. You can see the definition. The darker outside of the flame, the bright inner light and the dark wick at the center. Suddenly as if it caught your breath from accross the room, it flicks to the right, then the left and appears to dance for you. It waves softly in each direction, flickers quickly then stands strangly still again. If i had to put my life into an analogy right now, because those closest to me know i'm pretty good with those. THAT would be my life. That beautiful candle just accross the room from me, the blue one. It smells like the Ocean (ok, so not really b/c i dont smell salt water or fish) but it is calming, peaceful and warm. from the outside. Like my life. Of course i'm not sure my life LOOKS very calming at all to many people.. but it is. I think i spend more time focusing on moments in life than most anyone i know, vs the big picture. I'm not sure if losing things over and over again (people, places, things, memories, bullshit in general) makes it more obvious that you should stop and breath in the moment or maybe i should give some credit to the Buddhist religion. in any case, i belive both are responsible.

I see things different these days. the candle isn't just a source of light and warmth, it's deeper. it has that hot solid edge, the one people SEE and dont think about. the external shell of the fires of life if you will. once you get past the blinding 'what appears to be a solid line' of definition around the light, you see the LIGHT it's self. it gets brighter some times, then duller and more orange, then back to vibrant yellow and so on. That's more of me as a woman, just human. soaking in emotion from all directions. Loving so much and so many, cry so hard and missing or losing things (from lives to earing backs)laughing so much i could cry happy tears to crying so hard i have to laugh. the part that matters is the wick though. the part nobody else really sees unless they can look through the flame into the middle- the eye of it- the wick. My soul. It appears dark to the eye, the wick of a candle. because in theory it is, it's just a wick right, you light that ugly dark thing and out of it comes light and warmth. love so to speak. Have you ever just wanted to blow your damn candle out for like a week? LOL I dont mean indefinatly just hit pause. Stop. Hault. Nobody move. I'm gonna lay down and sleep and when i wake up my flame will be brighter, my spirit charged, my wick even stronger and this time i'll be dancing and will never stop! HA I want a vacation.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, HOliday, whatever it was, or wasn't to you. In any case, i hope you spent a few days, weeks or even just hours with friends/family you love and who love you. I hope you were lifted up and your candle flame danced. I hope your smiles came free and the laughter was so intense your cheek bones feel as if they are frozen and cramping. THAT is the best kind of laughter. I hope you were out with your old friends, learning of places they've been, storys they told or faces they've met. Home with your family passing gifts and egg nog along with the newest baby of the family. AT the dinner table with whomever you needed at that moment passing the Lasagna around like it is tradition for xmas dinner :)

We always get what we need, no doubt about that. We dont always get what we want, that's for damn sure. But when exactly do we work hard enough to deserve them both at the same time? I'm ready for my good Karma, any day now Universe... God? Anyone? lay it on me!

Peace to you all, Much love from my little piece of heaven on earth here in the middle of nowhere AR.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

THE NEW MOON - That must be why i feel this way.

When I started this blog over two years ago it was mainly a way to just vent, to write, unedited freely with my soul and feelings laid out for any passers by to view, to see that out there in the world like them, there was another person who felt like they did or had the same vision. I've revamped this blog several times, once i hit 200 posts i started over again and put most of the prior work into a scramble of pages that will someday grace the title Memoirs- My life through amber colored glasses (steal that title i will hunt you down and break your knee caps)

I've found in the last year i have quite the following. not only those who publically follow, but people who read this just to see what's up in my weird world, see what my thoughts might be, find an uplifting story to cheer them up or at least interesting pictures. i feel i've failed in that area as of late. Letting this weird thing called life take over and leave me no room for my passions like writting (entertaining you people) and taking pictures but i'm finally back on the right path and taking time tonight to ramble a little.

Here i sit in my living room, the one with NO tv, only a sterio, the place i spend my time writting, mediating, thinking and escaping reality. I took a shower earlier, ready for a night out. To witness one of my best friends boyfriends ask her father for her hand in marriage - a christmas program for a special little girl i've grown to see as my own family and then later the Pj PARTY at the cat house with with my favorite group of guys Honkey Suckle who play some mean ass music.... why? Not because I dont want to be there, because i do. for all of it, because i love them all so very much but because i'm in a funk today. Not some sad funk, no.... i'm not all chipper and sunshiny like normal either. I'm more in the 'breath slow in the moment' type mood. No doubt i'll end up at the Cat house in pajamas later, but not for long i assure you- until then i'll lay here on my sofa, the only lights in the house other than my laptop are the white ones on the xmas tree and a pumpkin spice candle flickering in the distance. It is so silent in here my typing is an echo off the highly arched ceilings and the cat purring somewhere in the house, which is kind of scaring me because he's black and i have no clue where he is.

Christmas is coming so fast - JUST because I study Buddhism, doesn't mean i dont celebrate christmas. I have a baby girl and until she decideds what fits her soul as i did my own, we will celebrate every holiday there is, it's life afterall.... all of them. Life is well worth the celebration. Even then i'll have the tree once she's gone, i'm sure. Mainly because even though i dont outwardly admit this, i spend so much time alone during holidays that the tree- even though silent in it's existance, makes me feel like im not really alone. It makes the inevidable Christmas night while Jaida is with her dad that much more cozy and warm, even if it is just me reading by the fire with a tree to help light each page.

I'm definatly in a deep emotional bubble at the moment, feelings and emotions trapped inside slowly gathering in my fingers unsure if I should share here or just write my book. Which will hopefully someday be my saving grace, allowing me to 'work' for myself. Cook all day long with the most beautiful music playing in the background and have dinner ready for my family (or dogs, whatever!) when it's time.

I think i'll sit back, watch a netflix online and then maybe dig through some pj's that are'nt too 'naughty' for public... since that is what the theme is... naughty pj party- i prefer to keep that part for private, but i'm all about sporting my slippers and robe into the bar for an hour so share a glass of wine, dance a jig with my friends and then hurry home to snuggle up for bed.

I hope you all have your warmest wishes at your side tonight, comfort, health, wealth, love or just plain life in general- all you need. Peace my friends. Until tommorrow- when i post drunk pictures of me in my grandma robe in PUBLIC................. HA HA TOTALLY KIDDING I HOPE.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Obviously its been so long since i've posted i forgot how to insert pictures as the story goes, so this one is like a puzzle for ya- try to figure out which picture goes with which part of the story! oh fun!

Ta Da- She's baaaaack.... again.

Holy Ages! I haven’t posted in over two months. I could use any one of the following excuses……
• I was abducted while attending the local UFO Conference in Eureka Springs and just now got back from my trip around Uranus
• I have been traveling the world in search of Nirvana
• I have been tangled in the arms of the man of my dreams- Paul Walker
• I have been making trips back and fourth from the US to Fiji, trying to get moved into my new place on the ocean
• I’ve been filming the next part of the Twilight series “Breaking Dawn” to be released over a year from now…. and I get totally naked in it!
• I’ve been in Tibet Studying Buddhism with the Monks, and since shaved my head and changed my name to Thich Nhat Hanh.
• OR….. I’ve been so damn busy with real life that I haven’t had time to get my head stuck in the clouds, at least not long enough to get on my computer unless I’m at work, in which case I cannot access my blog due to new restrictions.
I’ll let you figure this one out!

My word what a couple of months it has been too! wow. Where in the hell do I start?
My daughter is in Kindergarten and doing very well! She is starting to read. I’m scared because I wonder how much longer I’ll be able to hide things by spelling them out to someone without her understanding me. How do you call someone a Douche Bag if your kid sounds it out and then asks what it is? (no she hasn’t YET) Guess I’ll start making up new, less abrasive terms for the parasites I’ve encountered, like maybe…. “Gosh, he’s a total tampon!” but I’m not sure that would be any better to explain????? In any case, watching your daughter flourish in school, even at such a young age is amazing. It also makes me feel my age which is totally not cool!

I recently decided I needed a huge change in my life- so since I’d never dyed my entire head (only highlights now and then) I figured, hey, I’ll just fucking go for it you know, just do it. Everyone else does! So I did. It was horrid. It was strawberry red. Which is GREAT on a lot of people, but this was not my color peeps, I looked like a lit match!

Jaida took this picture of me cooking on Thanksgiving- as you can see.... pretty bright

Of course Jenni (whos under layer of hair is blue right now) thought I should just go REAL BLOOD RED like ‘Annie Lennox’ RED from the late 90’s. I opted out of that with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, while on a weekend escape from reality with my other bff Katie I got toner from the local beauty store and got that red out- becoming literally in the blink of an eye, a female Billy Idol look alike. (jenni loved it *this is me scratching my glowing hair in confusion*) but finally went to my hair dresser to get it done. After a slight miss-commuinication it turned YELLOW:

I came back to work, and after the long odd moments of silence and stares (not the good , damn she looks cute today, or oh I love her shoes “stare” ) these were ‘holy ages, what the F** has she done” so I immediately called my stylist to have it dyed as dark as I could. So I did, and I love it:

The point of that rant was: Natural blondes should NEVER, under any circumstances, EVER be allowed to touch OTC hair dye! End of that bullshit!

Winter has officially begun- it’s cold as hell here and even the bugs are trying to get in the house. I found the third stink bug in my house and decided it was time to buy the do it yourself FOGGERS. Don’t get me wrong, I love the smell of cilantro, but stink bugs are like stuffing cilantro up your nose, twisting it then adding some lemon! I begin (thankfully) reading instructions on this bug bomb, and it tells me in BOLD to shut off the pilots, all electric devices, AC/HEAT etc… or my house could blow up. I don’t know how to shut the piliots off in my house…. So I guess I’ll let my cat continue catching the little green stink bugs until I find someone who volunteers their time to make sure I don’t blow myself up. (in recent events i learned i dont have pilot lights in my house, what a relief!)

Meanwhile, back at the bat cave- I mean Pierce City. My parasite of a used to be ‘step’ sister is still sucking off of my step dad/host of a father. Still no job, SUPPOSIDLY getting her GED (bout fucking time, maybe you’ll have it by the 30th birthday?) I mean really. Nothing against people who didn’t graduate, to each their own, fuck my own mom didn’t. But she DID get a GED. This bitch hasn’t worked more than 2 weeks at any given job since the dawn of time, and has two kids, two different fathers and dates men older than my dad……….. they aren’t even rich ones! LOL I mean in all fairness, if you’re gonna leach off someone, don’t make it your disabled father you asshole! Ok that was my mean vent for this post- We are officially no longer related or even in the same lifetime as far as I go, I’m done and plan to never see, speak or hear of that bitch again in my life. Nuff Said.

I recently went exploring with a friend or friends, who will remain nameless, since I have learned in the past few months how important my PRIVATE life is…. To other people…. So I’ll just keep the mystery about it. Went to the Buffalo River in Arkansas- Went to some bad ASS water falls- crawled way back in some caves, even took pictures of some little cave bats. They are ADORABLE.

I never thought I’d get that close to one, but I even pet one of their backs! I want one now… We even sat down in a cafĂ© in this tiny town in southern Arkansas, where to my disgust there was not one bit of COW or Chicken on the menu… only lamb, buffalo, wild hog or ELK. Yes, I slowly stood up and then hauled ass for the door. Even the salads were alive.

It was a great trip- here are some pics for you:


DEEP inside a cave

In the recent learning of ‘lesson’s’ so to speak, I’ve learned a number of things:
• I’m more nieve than I ever thought- but I know what a drug addict/Alchoholic looks like now.
• Even if you do contact their parents, it doesn’t do any good, they continue to self distruct and you’re better off without them around
• The instincts of a mother are scary when her life feels threatened. I learned exactly to what extent I will go to in order to keep my daughter and our house safe. NO, I’m not afraid to use it- and NO those people do not scare me anymore. And I am not sorry for how I reacted!
• I have learned that love, over anger and hate will prevail no matter what. Even if you do have to boot out the people in life who you once cared so deeply for. In the end, the hole they left is filled with pure, good things and more laughter than you thought possible.
• Children are truly the light of the world. No matter how long you avoid holding babies, you eventually have to hold one, and when you do, you’re going to fall in love with it.
• Family means what you want it to mean, 98% of my family is of no relation to me at all they are the adopted ones… friends and friends families. 1% is worth my time and have done tremendous wonderful things for me, among those things… picking me up from HELL at 2 AM on a five hour drive one way and of course my true blood sisters, I love them to death, yet never see or hardly talk to them I’m still proud to call them family… the other 1% I will just leave blank- not worth the energy it takes to type
• The more time you spend outside, the better you feel in your heart and soul
• Religion is a joke to most people- to me it just means you believe in someone/something bigger than you. Not that if you don’t believe a certain way you’re damned to hell because sometimes, I think this life is hell or at least a damn tride and true test to see if we’d last down there. I think all religions are great- just as long as you feel as a single soul that it makes you better as a person. y’s post, or in a nutshell rather. Life changes, people change… if they do, it’s hopefully for the better, if not, walk away and wipe your hands of it. Life is too short and way too beautiful to let it get tainted by the hands of someone not there for your best interest.

In closing for today If you’re in someones life for your own selfish reasons, well that that means you too! I keep looking around, meeting new people, and finding myself apauled by what I see in some people. It’s almost a question now of ‘why even try’ to meet new people, if they keep ending up to be something they are not in the end anyways.

The holidays are upon us, I hope you all had a super Turkey day, ate until your hearts were content and were surrounded by the people you love and who love you most. I know I was. Christmas isn’t far off, and I’m trying so hard to get festive-I’m sure in the next few weeks if I don’t, media will no doubt push it on me anyways, I might as to those who are new comers to the following of my blog. I promise to improve posts from this point forward, come on now, give me a break…. I was with the aliens in Fiji, had writers block because I was in the arms of Paul walker, my hot vampire fiancĂ© and when I woke up in Tibet I was bald and can’t prounounce my own name- damn that paodi! XOXOXOXO