wondering

Sitting here in my make shift office in my house, worn out from the common cold I settle in for some sunday football, onlyt to once again watch my Cowboys lose by a mistake. Still, I am loyal. I feel the need to write and i turn to a pack of recently purchased camel crush. It's been months since i enjoyed en entire cigarette without excessive drink. i like the vaporizors. 0MG nicotine and it doesn't stink, i dig it. something though, about when a poem pours out of the depths of my soul causes this urge to enhale smoke, feel it suffocate my lungs and tighten my throat, exhale and watch the visible stench pour from my pursed lips. Emotion is amazing really. Pain, leads to understanding, leads to love, leads to pain, leads to hope... and so on... ups, downs...... Life is one HELL of a ride but so far, I think i'm a head of the house on this one. I woke up today with your face in my mind The words in my head were not very kind Your eyes asked forgiveness but raged with despair You tried to grab hold of and drag me down there. Weakness is not but a vision you see When I want you to think I am down on my knees. Surrender to fear and run like a doe, You’ve made me realize most friends are more foe. Standing back up with a fist full of fire I won’t settle until he’s met every desire. A faith in something I know I can’t see, Yet feeling is always enough for me. So back in the dark I wonder alone my light shines brightly with few whom are shown. Selective and careful from this point and on, For the path we will travel is not a safe one. Whatever it takes to complete this one task Is all I have of the higher, to ask. Just one perfect moment of which doesn’t exist To belong in my lifetime, hand over fist. Finding this peace deep within me, Has been the best trip a girl could foresee. Not even mid-life has knocked on my door For my soul will wonder for years and years more.

Bah-Humbug

It's cold here, ice covered trees and muddy fields echoing the grey skies of winter, it bores me, makes me want to sleep. My body hurts, as if I were 30 years older and my mind races to the point of exhaustion, I don't feel like I can get enough sleep. Typically I can escape into the dream world, before going to sleep trying to set my intentions on amazing things so that when I wake, I feel the resolution of the dream, the good ones. Lately they haven't been great, not even a little bit and they are starting to scare me. I know the point of it all, I GET what my soul is trying to tell me, it's a matter of changing things in my waking world that I'm having issues with. STAY busy. THAT saves me from the thoughts in the daylight but when I close my eyes the reality of the pain hidden by day creeps back in and tears the band aid off my heart causing an overflow of emotion. Today I woke up screaming AND crying. Happy Fucking Holidays kid- another year with no family, no mother, alone. I typically let my daughter stay with her dad for most of all holidays, at least the majority of the time. I don't see the point in keeping her here bored out of her mind with me, when she can be with a huge family, playing with cousins and having sleep overs with them. This year I get her on XMAS Eve though, and I'm elated that for once I wont be alone with my thoughts, the memories of a season I used to love. You can lose a million people in this lifetime but it never gets easier, not times like this. It's been almost ten years since my mother left this earth and without her during the holidays, I just don't care anymore. I pretend really well for my daughter. I put up a tree, wrap presents and cook a meal like any other family but in the end while everyone else lays around their grandparents house, laughing and catching up over a cocktail or chocolate milk, I can't help but sit here and stare at this empty house. I remember when i was little, how magical this place was. My mom made Christmas, it was never about presents... it was about OUR presence as a family. I never did get much in the way of gifts, nothing real spectacular but it didn't matter, getting anything back then was HUGE. We didn't have money to blow on toys or game systems we sat around the table and played board games. The house would always smell of homemade food, ham, turkey, which ever my mom decided we would have that year. The house was filled with a certain kind of warmth, a love that is unexplainable. Christmas eve night we would sit by candle light with the radio on the Christmas Carol, and being the little dork I was, I would act out every scene while my parents had cocktails and laughed, I had fresh hot chocolate with as many marshmallows that i could fit in my cup. Waking up Christmas morning - the one last gift that Santa had left, and how his notes always resembled my mothers beautiful handwriting. Even after i found out he wasn't real, they still left me that ONE morning gift. The sizzle of bacon is gone, the background of Christmas music doesn't play here, right now only classical. Amazing how life has changed me through the years, how my belief system has been tested and altered. How in a matter of ten years a person can go from LOVING all holidays', to wanting to sleep through them all. It's funny though, i look back at the same times every year and some well meaning person is there saying 'it will get easier with time' but it doesn't. It never has. I just get more and more resentful that she left me here alone, not one person to tell me anything about myself when i was little anymore. My step dad can't remember, my real dad doesn't know b/c he wasn't there and the rest of my family that would know are either dead or so consumed it's not worth the time to ask. So anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy ..... whatever the hell you call this next couple of days. I hope and pray you are all surrounded by loved ones that you stay warm, have a healthy meal to fill your belly and a happy heart to feed your soul. I"m working very hard on mine and cannot wait to get my daughter today and have her the next 48. Anything before or after that, can suck it. I'm working on ME, But i deserve a day to miss my mother and cry about it. Today is that day... Namaste

Silence is White

The silence of the snow is deafening. I sit staring out the window, watching each snow flake dance and twirl in such grace it mezmorizes me, transcends me into a different dimention/place/time. I’ve never been a fan of the cold, I prefer to watch it from inside, unless of course, I am in my 4wd then it becomes fun. The pure beauty silences the earth as it falls covering all that remains of the life still hanging on in nature, it covers everything, the ugly, the beautiful, the mundane only to transform the world for a small period of time, into a pure bright white light of silence and beauty. It blankets the world with such beauty for such a short time only to melt and turn uncover the once hidden items below, the dead trees, the dead flowers, grass and turns to a muddy mess. The once pure white flakes shoved into piles turned to filth and then winter shows it’s ugliness once again. Like life though we get to enjoy and witness the pure, the good, the beauty but it’s only a matter of time before the purity goes away, the beauty is dulled and the truth of what lies beneath the beauty melts away and exposes the things less than beautiful, ugly, hardening, things we wish to stay hidden, death.. The yin and yang so to speak. Within each of us we have both good and bad, it’s whichever we choose to let take over our soul that creates the person we become. Both are within us at all times. We often battle the emotions that cause the good, or the bad to arise. Life kicks our asses sometimes, ok lets be honest, a lot. Lately I feel like I’ve been in the emotional fight of my life. I have gotten back up though, I feel my strength coming back slowly, each day I get stronger emotionally and yet I fear the cold will set in again and that scares me but I’m working really hard to let others in, to try, to be me again and except any invitation to have fun, no matter what mood I might be in. No matter how badly I want to sit and cry or look at pictures that need to be deleted. I’m ready for the rest of my life, so bring it, the good and the bad… I’m ready. I just wish the pain would leave me alone, the person who causes the pain would go away. Someday I’ll understand why this happened to me, and it will help me heal completely, but until then I’m wounded, walking around in this world with my head held high yet rebuilding on the inside. I sure can’t let others know I’m broken, not now. I have to hold them up and if I’m not there to do it, who will. Have a wonderful evening my friends- Namaste