Changes: Sometimes, you have to be a Lion

What DO you enjoy?

I recently sat down and asked myself the following questions:

1.      What would I really enjoy doing?

2.      Why do I enjoy it?

3.      What am I really good at?

4.      What makes me good at this?

You see, it’s not the first time I’ve found myself twisted sideways in every direction  bound by my own blankets from whatever it was causing me to feel suffocated. Recently I have been waking in a drenched sweat with a panic feeling deep inside my soul. It’s not the kind of dreams that you are being chased by a man with a chainsaw, or razor like claws clapsing closer and closer to you in the dead of night…. NO…. this is the kind of dream where you are slowly being suffocated by the biggest snake you could imagine but your so suffocated that you cannot even be scared of the snake anymore, you literally just fight for air…. YEP I’m there.

I absolutely love life… I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before? J I have been suffocated by that fucking snake for far too long, trying not to move so the grip will remain unchanged instead of tightening slowly until my bones are crushed and my last breath seeps from my lips. I have always truly believed that you can only complain about something for so long before it becomes your own fault that you are miserable in that place. Stand up, grab yourself by the ass and go live life dammit.

 

I vowed to myself while I jotted each word, I have to make the changes to make any difference in the day to day routine or shut the hell up and continue on this path like some rental pony in the Colorado mountains saved from the glue factory the day of slaughter. Quietly following the horses’ ass in front of you only inches from his tail as if in a total sleep state. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t get up every day and do the same things over and over, same topic, same voices cracking over the conference call. So I decided now is the time to begin something new, to start couple fires while stamping around on the same beaten path day to day in and out, up and down then restart only to repeat. Instead of repeating ONLY, why not toss in some things I enjoy elsewhere and see where it goes?

Worst thing to happen, I get lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere and have to restart again. Scary, but not unbearable, not painful and sad…. I’ll take scary over sad any day J

 

JULY

I can feel it coming the way you can feel a person’s energy right behind you without even looking. The air gets heavier to breathe as if my throat is constricted by an unseen hand, an unspoken heaviness that rests softly on your shoulders like your favorite scarf. Armor in a way. I can feel my eyes swelling and my nerves begin to dance uncomfortably as if the emotion they are feeling is new. It isn’t, new…. It’s residual but every year it comes with a new surprise. A new weakness or a new strength I hadn’t known was there the year before hell, maybe a new memory will pop up, or a picture will fall out of a book but everywhere I turn, I feel it, see it, hear it, and sometimes even smell it coming. July is here again. This makes year 11.

I clench my jaw in an attempt to make me sit up straighter, to keep the lump in my throat from growing larger. I prevent those around me from seeing what is happening by laughing it off or hiding to gather myself, swallow the tears and get back out there. I hate July, but I am making the best of it year by year.