Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Happy Birthday Little Light!!!

Ten years ago my life changed forever in just a matter of hours. It didn't just change my life, but ME as a person, a human being, as a woman. I had become a mother. The first few days I hardly slept, staring at you every waking moment, witnessing the MIRACLE that I held all of my broken pieces together again. The times you gazed back, no words exchanged, just emotion, energy.... LOVE they brought tears to my eyes, good tears.... happy tears. You grew so fast the first year, then the second and by the third you were out running me a good portion of the time on a daily basis. Each year you grew physically, yes... but it was more than that. As if over night you woke up wiser yes, but wiser than most 'babies'. The conversations we were having by the time you were four still blow my mind, and the compassion and kindness you show even to this very second make my heart swell with such pride it brings me to tears. Your sense of humor has perfected along with your quick wit and sensitive heart. I have wiped tears away for you those moments when you just didn't understand why but 'you needed to cry', all the way to the tears you held back on the last day of school because you were going to miss your friends, but didn't want them to see you cry and it breaks my heart knowing you will shed many more tears in this lifetime that I won't be able to stop, just be there to hold you and wipe them away.

In ten years you have managed to change every single aspect of my being on this earth. My purpose, my goals, my passions and my love of LIFE. YOU Jaida May, have given me the TEN best years of my life thus far. In such a young lady I have found the most affectionate baby girl, the kindest and gentlest young lady, the most sensitive and loving little girls and one of the best friends & Daughter a mother could ever wish for. If in this lifetime I do not go forward and make a difference, or change the world in ANY way...... being your mother, having the honor of growing with you and witnessing your purity every single day the past ten years, I have at least done that and I know with all that I am you, my beautiful little girl are going to make a difference in this scary world we live in. I cannot wait to hold your hand the rest of the way as you grow into the young lady and eventually young woman.

You make me proud every single day and I love you with all that I am or every will be. Happy Tenth Birthday Jaida May Worm!!!!!!

Friday, May 16, 2014

Balance of Energy

Negative is not something anyone substantial has called me, in this lifetime. I have had reasons, i have had bad days, but  all in all this oddly chaotic life I've been handed in this particular shell has been pretty unbelievable thus far. I could be a drunk, every morning laying in a sap of tears talking to a bottle that only numbs me. Instead I drink socially with friends or a glass of wine with a good writing session or patio conversation with friends.

I could have turned to drugs years ago, used that as the excuse. I know many who have, luckily most come out with their lives and become wonderful people, some lost to death or just distance between lives in general. I dabbled as i grew up after HS like a child experiments with all things... but not to the extent it affected me.  I wanted to be that hard girl. The one  that could take it, no matter the strength and walk away like a warrior would, head up, chin tight, eyes forward. My mother raised me neve
r to rely on anyone else, in the end we can only truly rely on ourselves and we need to know how to do it.  I changed all of that in myself, voluntarily a few years back though, the HARD nosed, break your face type of standing up for myself. I moved to Holiday Island, I spent time with amazing people in Eureka Springs Arkansas and somewhere along the way I helped center myself and lose a part of myself at the same time. The people, the place, the energy helped to put my soul in the right spot to align with my mind and woke me up in a sense. to WHO Bambi is. It's pretty fucking cool to be honest. Some of the most vivid, happy memories of my life, and a few of the scariest, most terrifying and heart breaking as well. The place, holds a piece of me that i visit every single time i return and i feel at home there now, again.... always have.

Figuring myself out, who I am, what I want, what I don't want, then looking at me from the outside in.....I'm not easy! not in ANY sense of the word, unless i want to be but if all you see of me is the smile, the cheer and the uplifting, never seen a tear, heard a flicker of pain or seen the dark side of my soul then you don't KNOW me, and that's OK. For some of you, it is best this way. For those of you who know all of me, the good... the bad... the happy, the sad, the exhausted and the enthusiastic and you still stand there, next to me. You hold me when I need to just lose it. You make me laugh when you know it's time, who come pull me out of bed and take me where the sunshine is and the music is good. the friendship is true and the loyalty is strong. The trust runs deep like a spring you can feel and maybe hear but never find.

I used to trust easy, made you break my trust to take it away, every stranger on the street was a real friend to me at one time. It was innocent, i was naive, it was ignorant but it was full filling to a point. I don't miss those days, but i miss the ability to trust easily. It isn't one time that I was burned and chose not to play with that fire again, it was the repetative reaching through the flame only to come out with a blister from hell every fucking time that has taught me to be what i am today. I'm scared as fuck, but I am strong as fuck too. not many see the weak side, the tears or the break downs. Not many see the anxiety because what makes me strong is holding everyone else up and that seems to be my purpose here, at least for now. Sometimes though, I need to fold up and have a soft place to lay. Words of compassion. sometimes, just the three words we all long to hear are enough to resolve a million tears. Three words that with each shocking sizzle of flame bursting into a painful blister become scarier and scarier. Less and less what it was supposed to mean inside my world, my ideals, my wishes, my dream. LOVE - a give and take equal. A kindness that comes with a connection that resonates for days, weeks, months, YEARS.

Maybe I really am meant to be alone in this lifetime. I can't change this person I am, I've worked so hard to be a good woman, loving kind, giving, caring and honest. I'm blunt, harsh, but I'm happy, kind and loyal and POSITIVE. Maybe too much for most, and that's OK it just goes back to the 'encounters for a reason, season or lesson' and it's the most accurate cliche to date if you ask me.

The point is no matter what you do for others, how much you love, give, care, support or just listen you will NEVER find another human on earth that will do these from the heart FOR YOU besides a parent. So it's up to you (me) to stop focusing so much on everyone else and DO ME again. I've been saying it, but i recently got off track. Well, after a lot of tears, a lot of soul searching I am almost to the finality of it all.  There are many who love me for who I am, friends yes, but if that's all I can have in life I am totally fine being alone because at least when i need to cry i can call them, or if they aren't around I can cry into my pillow like the little girl i was when my mom left this earth and pretend she's holding me tight.

I have been made to question my self worth, and I find that amazing that I even let it go that far. NO more. I accept people for who they are and if they can't accept me for me, only want the good, not the bad. The happy not to hear about or support me through the sad... then they will soon find themselves on the outside of the wall already building in my soul. I just hope it isn't too late by the time it happens.

Have a fantastic weekend - NAMASTE