Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Stepping Stones and Lessons Learned

So, I was talking to someone from my past recently. Not just anyone, at one time he was my everything, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this person and never have to wonder again. It was the first man I fell in love with. I was young though, coming out of a divorce nothing was 'right' about the few years we spent together, yet even after it ended I often dreamed of him I even have a book I started about a dream he was in, but it's sat stagnite in the archives for several years now. Until April of last year I'd not felt a certain twinge in my soul since him but I always knew in the back of my mind it was a ridiculous thing that had to happen in my life to make me realize what I was worth, what I wanted and what I didn't want. Well then last April came around and I morphed back into this person who suddenly believed the fairy tales were true and that I had found my one, and would live happily ever after. Today, as I sat in a gymnasium waiting for my daughter musical to begin I caught a scent I'd not experienced in years, it was HIS cologne. Butterflies whipped up in my stomach like I flew back in time. I realized the gentleman close to me must have taken a bath in this cologne because then the smell began to burn my nose, then my eyes and I had to find a reason to move it was too much. It made me think, right then.... how glad I am to have gotten away from that person in a relationship standpoint when I did. I cannot imagine the woman i would be today had I remained blind to the truth and let that toxic back and fourth continue. All these years now, and talking to him is like speaking with an old classmate. Give or take, emotionally I'm not affected at all. I couldn't help but think about him, and then my most recent heart break side by side. The only two men I've ever LOVED from spirit to soul and I look back now and realize I didn't know his soul at all, fuck I was dumb in my 20's.

Albeit I'm not far into my 30's, but I do know I am 110% different than I was ten years ago and in the best way possible. If it hadn't been for all of the events in that time frame, I am not real sure WHO I would be today, but it wouldn't be the woman I see in the mirror. I have loved, and lost then FELL in love and lost. I have succeeded in things as much as I have failed. I have had just as many not so awesome days as I have magnificent ones. I'm pretty fond of them all no matter how terrible. I guess the reality of my flashback, my thought process that took me back in time was good. It made me realize how REAL the love I just lost was. It made the pain much more intense and the reality that much more painful but as I sit here right now I feel so grateful TOO feel. NO matter what, things are constantly getting better. In the large aspect of life my path seems to be headed in the correct direction for the time. Maybe that's just it..... there is no fairy tale per se, we just have milestones in our lives a constant up and down. Orbiting in and out of one anothers lives by the end of each of our lives i wonder how many 'loves' we will have. Right now, I am 100% madly focused on ME.

Saying Goodbye

Sometimes in life things happen when we least expect it, someone comes in our life and just as quickly as they came, they leave. Sometimes they take a piece of us with them and questions unanswered, pain and heartache with even the mention of their name resonate for what seems like forever. When you finally get the chance to retrieve whatever it was they took from you when they left, and you fina...lly get the answers to the questions you've had, you have this sigh of relief....this lift of weight as if you just had one hell of a crash diet and lost everything in one moment. Closure is such a good thing to have when a relationship ends, it's something we all need even if we chose to lie to ourselves about it. I sit here today on the eve of my 34th birthday with that piece I was missing back in my possession, the questions answered and the seat next to me empty once again. A few tears shed and the words I needed to hear for so long 'I'm sorry' still linger in my ears. It's a good day to be alive, and I feel more alive today than I have since November 11 2013. I can now move forward in a part of my life I've been holding back and hiding and I couldn't be more excited about it. Its scary- but I'm ready for the rest of my life.

It wont be soon, I doubt but at least now I can be fully open to the chance that someday again I will have a connection on every level, be able to trust and eventually share my life and adventures with someone who will value me as I do them. Life is far to short to sit around thinking your broken when all along it wasn't you- truth is we're all a little bent, we just have to find a soul with the same curves that we have to fit out odd little scars in life. It's not a fucking easy road, not by any means but saying goodbye today was one of the best things I've ever done for myself and my future.

NOW- it's time to find some water and flounder around. I hope everyone has an amazing day. I hope the love you give is returned, the smiles you give are plenty and the laughter you feel is deep and genuine. There aren't many true matches in this world, not real ones so if you ever get the chance to pair up with another soul that you can FEEL from the other side of the world.... hold on to them as if your life depends on it, because it just might. Love is painful but it's also the most amazing experience we can have as human beings and I'm ready to get back out there and live
like it's the last day- Love and light! namaste