Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Stepping Stones and Lessons Learned

So, I was talking to someone from my past recently. Not just anyone, at one time he was my everything, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this person and never have to wonder again. It was the first man I fell in love with. I was young though, coming out of a divorce nothing was 'right' about the few years we spent together, yet even after it ended I often dreamed of him I even have a book I started about a dream he was in, but it's sat stagnite in the archives for several years now. Until April of last year I'd not felt a certain twinge in my soul since him but I always knew in the back of my mind it was a ridiculous thing that had to happen in my life to make me realize what I was worth, what I wanted and what I didn't want. Well then last April came around and I morphed back into this person who suddenly believed the fairy tales were true and that I had found my one, and would live happily ever after. Today, as I sat in a gymnasium waiting for my daughter musical to begin I caught a scent I'd not experienced in years, it was HIS cologne. Butterflies whipped up in my stomach like I flew back in time. I realized the gentleman close to me must have taken a bath in this cologne because then the smell began to burn my nose, then my eyes and I had to find a reason to move it was too much. It made me think, right then.... how glad I am to have gotten away from that person in a relationship standpoint when I did. I cannot imagine the woman i would be today had I remained blind to the truth and let that toxic back and fourth continue. All these years now, and talking to him is like speaking with an old classmate. Give or take, emotionally I'm not affected at all. I couldn't help but think about him, and then my most recent heart break side by side. The only two men I've ever LOVED from spirit to soul and I look back now and realize I didn't know his soul at all, fuck I was dumb in my 20's.

Albeit I'm not far into my 30's, but I do know I am 110% different than I was ten years ago and in the best way possible. If it hadn't been for all of the events in that time frame, I am not real sure WHO I would be today, but it wouldn't be the woman I see in the mirror. I have loved, and lost then FELL in love and lost. I have succeeded in things as much as I have failed. I have had just as many not so awesome days as I have magnificent ones. I'm pretty fond of them all no matter how terrible. I guess the reality of my flashback, my thought process that took me back in time was good. It made me realize how REAL the love I just lost was. It made the pain much more intense and the reality that much more painful but as I sit here right now I feel so grateful TOO feel. NO matter what, things are constantly getting better. In the large aspect of life my path seems to be headed in the correct direction for the time. Maybe that's just it..... there is no fairy tale per se, we just have milestones in our lives a constant up and down. Orbiting in and out of one anothers lives by the end of each of our lives i wonder how many 'loves' we will have. Right now, I am 100% madly focused on ME.

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