Monday, October 10, 2011

Waking up on Rainy Days

Rain is refreshing, in most cases. Ideally I would be home in bed today, window open, ceiling fan on, bundled up in soft sheets with a warm comforter smothering me head to toe. Watching something on TV like '48 Hours Mystery' or in all actuality I would be sleeping the day away. I haven't taken a day to myself in a long time. Every hour or full day of work that I have missed has simply been for someone else.

I look back at the past ... trying to understand really. What happened? Since when had I become nothing of myself? I don't do anything for ME anymore, My thoughts literally circle family, and friends but at what point do you draw the line and just do what you WANT FOR YOU? I believe in making other people happy, in treating them with the same respect that I would wish to be treated with. I believe in loving as strongly and deeply as possible and always being kind, and loving all living beings. I still do, to an extent except today I sit in reflection trying to understand how it came to be that I get talked down to by loved ones and sit and take it, eyes to the floor tongue bitten in an attempt to quiet thoughts. I am no longer entitled to an opinion in life, about anything apparently without being cussed out and called names. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?

Trying to find the strength you once had isn't really easy at all, it takes time, support, and health on all levels and none of that I have time for. I don't know why I don't just make the time, maybe it's to the point I might not feel like I'm worth the time, or just so used to it now that it no longer matters. I DO KNOW though, that unless I find happiness in my own eyes again that I cannot continue to help others or make them happy, and truth be told I don't think I am too far gone.

Thank you Chuck, as always for your uplifting comments on my blog. Though I don't really know you, and have only read excerpts from your books, I hold you in the highest regard as a word smith. You take the most simple of words and create an emotion that as the reader, I feel deep within my soul. To have someone with your talent read my blog is uplifting in itself. So thank you!

Not much more to say today so I will leave you with a few shots from the family Vacation in St. Louis. I really miss my 35mm... TRUE color, TRUE art... NOT a fan of digital at all..... or the damn date stamp that I forgot to remove - they make for such tacky pictures! In Any case, I hope you can see past it... I am trying :) Peace and Love Ya'll!
This is in the STL City Museum- Used to be an old Bank, I found the vault intriguing.

This is simply a picture of glass reflecting a staircase... amazing to me!


Well I told you I would color my hair, what do you think???

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Kanrocksas- Happy 31st

Since I can remember, The Beatles have been my all time favorite Band and had I lived during the period they were together (John died the year I was born) I would have been one of the lunatic fans packed in a theatre shoulder to shoulder pushing, shoving and crying with excitement... because THAT is the NERD I am. So, since that couldn't happen, I attended Rockansas this year. FIRST EVER (going to be annual) Concert at the KC Speedway. Headliners......... EMINEM, MUSE, KID CUDI.... I was there for all of them. Waited for almost two hours to be as close as I could when the MAN himself came on stage... hands down, all other evens aside... THE best Birthday EVER.

We must not forget D-12, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, Tinie Tempah, and THE BLACK KEYS!!!

It's Been a Long Road Home

It has been a long time since I have taken the time to sit and let my heart pour into the keyboard to create an emotional piece of interesting literature, in fact, I can't recall the last time my mind kept me awake to the point of explosion. Opening my laptop in the black of night, typing as fast as the words pour from my soul. I haven't felt it. I lost it.

I am willing to bet not one of my followers still check up on my site, and who could blame you really.... nothing new, what's the point. I've decided to change that! All be damned if I am going to let my brain dry up and blow away, so here goes... a kind of recap of the past few years.

In short, I had to file Bankruptcy and didn't plan to leave my dream home in my dream town, until I came home one day to a bloody scene on the wrap around deck of my house. A bear had attacked my dog Lily and sliced hear nearly limb for limb, leaving her alive... barley. She was put down that day. The next I packed everything i could fit in a moving van and left. I've never been back to that house. I turned 30 the day I moved into a tiny two bedroom apartment directly behind Wal-Mart back in Missouri. The one place I swore I would never live again, and here I was. Not only that but smack in the middle of TOWN. Every ounce of positive energy I had left drained with the coming weeks. I tried to stay up beat, but the days Jaida was with her father, I didn't leave my bed. I sank there, into a dark existence, back to the daily grind IN the office WITH all of the people who had previously made my life so miserable in the first place.

I began dating, off and on.. no true intentions of any kind with any of them truth be told. I think they call that dating for dinner. I did have my best friend back and the beautiful baby boy her and her husband brought into the world in October. He was the only man I needed in my life and he brought a smile to my face from the first moment I met him. The light started to come back, dim, but it was on at least. I didn't feel like a total shell of a human. I reconnected with a man I had loved dearly off and on throughout our lives, never having 'met' at the right time for either of us. From the moment he pulled into my driveway that night he didn't leave. It was the typical magical feeling of lost love returning, he'd even kept notes i'd written to him TEN years before! We began making plans for a future. Introduced one another to our children, spent every weekend and frankly every moment we could together. But, like all 'whirlwind' romances this too 'whirled' right out of control. It wasn't long before he became like every other man in my life... jealous.

It was my Face Book status that first called attention to his little green monster (jealously... LOL) then it was WHO I was friends with, keeping in mind people... I don't even USE Face Book I did, I don't have time or interest anymore... it's dormant. Anyways, as the months went on, his pessimistic attitude paired with his jealousy of every other human in my life, including my Ex.. Jaidas FATHER was enough. He gave me an 'ulitmatum' and I gave him the door.

Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship. I've always sort of thought that but it mainly stems from jealousy and that is one quality I cannot or will not put up with. All in all, I ended up back with baby daddy ON Jaida's birthday this year. It's been since May 28... We live together again, as a family. We aren't any different than we were before we were back together. I love him, I have always loved him. There will always be a couple people I love that, for whatever reason never worked out. Am I supposed to be married, no... because it doesn't matter to me anymore as long as the love is there. Am I madly in love and head over heels happy. No. If I said yes, I would be lying. Is it because of him, or anyone else in my life? NOPE, just me.... I am not happy, I am not sad, I just am and i really need to pull my head out of my ass and change all that.

I am comfortable, I feel safe. I can't be hurt where I am now. He knows me probably better than most. He understands I have a lot of friends, though I have not been a good friend the past year to any of them as I have been far to lost in this maze of self pity bullshit to notice anyone else. Admitting it is the hard part, right? So here I am. I hope I at least make him happy. He looks at me in total adoration and I cannot for the life of me figure out what makes him feel that way. Have I totally lost myself? I mean I've joked about having a stone for a heart but is it true? I have so much love, I really do, I think I've forgotten how to use it, and THAT scares me.

So, here I am. 31 and single. Living with my ex husband and my daughter who turned seven this year. I always thought my relationship with my mother was out of the ordinary, now I KNOW it was. All of the fun times and laughs I had with my mom were only hindered by a few years of youthful rebellion, even that didn't start until around the time I got my licence. My daughter is seven, she is already hateful and disrespectful to me. I am the ONLY one who disciplines her, therefore the one she wants to disregard at the drop of a "I said NO".
Again, here I am.... remember that girl that used to glisten in the sun, giggle with the wind and brightetn your day with some kind of positive comment? Neither do I but I'm back to find her again and this time I hope she sticks around.

Being a mother isn't easy, a single mother is worse. I'm not single anymore, I have help again and that is great. I am loved, I see that in his eyes every day and THAT reminds me that there MUST be something in here to cause it. My child is an asshole, like most children, but to everyone but me she is great. She is caring, kind, compassionate and giving. She is everything I was and that means I've done something right and can only continue being a mother because right now that is ALL that I am. I am still at the same place of employment, still plugging along begging to use my creative imagination and ready to jump at the first opporuntiy. I'm still taking care of my dad (step dad) whos memory is as clear as frosted glass, but it's what you do when your parents decline, you care for them like they did you. You shut up and listen to the same story over and over and over and over and over again. You manage their bank account, medication and Dr. appts.

I am still here, with no mother, still missing her after over 8 years of her being gone. I'm still here... In Missouri, now, back in the same house that I literally grew up in. After a remodel from a disgusting renter (who lets their dogs piss and shit in every fucking house they own???) Great person, slob of a creature is all I can say, but the house is in great shape now, clean beautiful and full of life.

Here I am. I have a new dog. Her name is JUNO. She is the pure bred sister of Lily. The one killed by the bear. Only she is not a mix, she is a pure bred white German Shepherd. She is 5 months old, around 60 lbs and all puppy. She is beautiful.
This is Juno at 3 Months.

and then one of the worst blows to my heart happened the DAY of the 8th Anniversary of my mothers death. July 17, 2011 I always have a gathering, a float trip, camping trip or something. This year I had a BBQ and invited all of my closest friends. It was a good time, a wonderful celebration of life. That night my favorite little buddy Sammy got out of the fenced in yard. Since the day we brought Juno home he acted upset and would scamper accross the street at any given moment ( to get away from her?) That night he disappeared. Most everyone was gone home by then and I was cleaning up calling for Skamps (he has a million nick names) I walked around towards the front of the house when the look on Briannes face told me everything. She stepped in front of me and said 'dont go out there' and I KNEW. I ran to the road and there he was, lying next to her truck in the road. Some piece of shit asshole hit my baby and didn't have the ball sack to stop and tell anyone, granted, I would have broken their nose but at the same time... it's courtisy. I've done it, it's not something that anyone WANTS to do, it is what you do when you mistakenly hit someones pet.

I sat in the road and picked him up. He was still warm, eyes open, not a drop of blood. I believe his neck was broken. I believe he died immediatly. I cried harder that night than I had in 8 years.
I love you Sammy! (Aka Scamps, skank, skipity, skips)

So... here I am. Starting all over again. Trying to get myself back. I wake up the light I KNOW I have. To be the 'sunshine' that I once was to everyone around me. They deserve it, I deserve it. I'm ready for the rest of my life. I think I am going to dye my hair dark brown tomorrow... that might be a good start :)

Peace & Love

My Life, the Empty Bottle