Friday, January 20, 2012

Day 20 of this diet and exercise routine/resolution and I am so proud to say that this has been a full on success! To my knowledge I've never set a resolution nor given much thought to sticking with something that I promised myself for the 'New Year' but I did it this year and I have stuck to it. They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit so here's to good habits!

Winter is here, and as much as I despise the bitter cold weather and grey skies, we have been 'blessed' this year with very few super cold days and NO winter weather as of yet. Typically I would rejoice however I only see this as a really scary sign from Mother Nature. Either there is a storm coming in February and March or Global Warming is just showing it's ugly head and though it is likely both, it scares the hell out of me. I truly love and value nature, even if I do not enjoy some of the things that come along with it, it is just part of what makes life so neat to experience. Like the roller coaster of life, so are the seasons. The winter is dull and sad only to lead us by the hand into beautiful spring and summer with sun and laughter. The thought of the affects that Global Warming has had on this planet are terrifying to me.

While watching Planet Earth last night, which by the way to me is like meditation and education mixed into one full hour of amazing footage, beautiful music and creatures that take my breath away. Last night was the Ocean, or part of it. While watching the segment about how a full on microscopic 'world' so to speak is thriving one moment from the very depths of the ocean, a shift in the earths plates can cause that small world to disappear in almost no time, taking from that particular world the energy and food (bacteria) that it was living on and transferring that energy to another part of the Ocean floor. How quickly that tiny world died. The scary part was when I started to compare our world to that of the the one on the Ocean floor. Our world seems so large to us, but in the scope of things we are but a speck in the mass universe of who knows how many other 'worlds' that we are unaware. Maybe the thought of how quickly our life forces could be taken away was really what scared me, but also how we treat our planet is heart breaking.

Like some kind of virus though, we have our share of horrible 'humans' too if they even deserve such a title. All species have a 'bad seed' but I saw one of ours on TV last night that really got under my skin. I dislike politics in general. No matter how hard I tried to study to find which 'party' I should belong too, the more I realized that neither Democratic OR Republican fit the bill for me. They both have good and bad aspects and seemingly the bad always outweigh the good. Then last night Randall Terry showed his scary face on the news and I sat there staring in disgust. I don't care what your views are on abortion, you stand by them if you believe one way or the other but this man is a lunatic! Not only had he switched from his long time stand of Republican to now be a Democrat because he is, and I quote 'on a mission to take votes from Obama' and wants to make abortion the number one issue in congress. WTF?? Really? of all things, Abortion should be our number one concern? Our damn country is swirling the drain and this man thinks putting images of dismembered babies on the Superbowl commercial is going to solve, what?? This is just one more reason I despise politics, politicians... I know without a government that no doubt we would rip one another up, it's proven time and time again with natural disasters. Instead of banning together to help one another we see people looting, killing one another in mass chaos. Why can't we take a lesson from the Japanese and HELP one another??? I love America and I love the freedoms we have here but it is people like this who make my skin crawl and anger boil. The last thing I need is my child to see torn up babies on national television. I am just disgusted!

to end this post on a much lighter note though it is FRIDAY, and for a short work week it has been awfully long week and I am so excited to get out of town with great friends this weekend and head to Eureka Springs, where a piece of my heart still dwells.

Wishing you all Peace and Love and for a very safe and happy Weekend-

Friday, January 13, 2012

Friday the 13th

A week ago today I got horrible news about a person that played a larger roll in my life than most people probably knew. I realize it was the only way communication could be given to me at this point but finding out that a good friend shot himself in the head over a text message isn't really ideal. I haven't had that breathless feeling since my mom did the same thing 8 years ago.

Suicide is selfish. The ONLY time I believe it is OK to take your own life is when you are so ill you are dying... like my mother. I understood her reasoning and why she didn't want to die in a hospital bed hooked up to machines. For the life of me though, when I heard the news about my dear friend Ron it was as if I was hit by a bus, then ran over by a train, dragged by a horse then a fire was set in my heart and it felt as if I was literally in the middle of a heart attack.

Ron left behind a lot of people who loved him, children my age and a community who cherished the fact he was a part of it. Every week I talked to Ron a few times off and on but our main conversations took place on Sundays before, during and after the Cowboys games. Sharing a passion for the same team that year after year let us down was sort of an immediate ticket to friendship I guess. He lost his brother Dave last August to cancer, Dave was an amazing man too. He was so ill, it was almost a blessing when he finally passed to know that he was no longer suffering in the shell of a body that was the Dave I'd come to know & love. His mind vibrate and his body withering in pain and sickness it was hard to see. Ron didn't leave a note, nothing to explain to his children why or what was going on in his life. So the questions bouncing through every ones minds Tuesday at the memorial were obvious. It was like watching sad zombies file into church pews. Was it out of grief for missing his brother? Was it financial distress? WHAT was the reason for this horrible act of bullshit? I'm angry, for his kids... for myself... I'm fucking PISSED and sad and my heart hurts terribly.

I wish I could report that this year has really been awesome but the truth is I am having a really hard time finding the good and trust that I AM LOOKING! Day in and day out though, I go to work, I go home and clean, cook, do laundry etc etc etc... every day. I wouldn't mind if it were still just myself in the house and Jaida of course... but it's not. There are three of us in that house yet only one of us does anything and you know what, I feel like I am nothing other than the personal maid and chef for the people in my home. My Family... but isn't family supposed to join together, make a kind of 'team effort'? Maybe I am just too anal about stuff but you know what, I liked living alone. That way, whatever mess was there, I caused and I never had more than one load of laundry or dishes a week. Now, I do at least one a day. WTF?!?!

I am not a negative person. I never have been and don't plan to become one now... however right now, if i could crawl inside a cave and sleep for a month only to wake up to sun, spring and beauty around me that would be ideal... or a trip to the beach so I can sink my feet into the sand, listen to the power of the ocean waves and close my eyes face to the sun I would be in heaven... if only it were that easy.

I hope your lives are well and happy. Wishing you Peace and Love in the New Year

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Another Reason Jaida is so Awesome...

She was even thinking of the Reindeer!

Ten Things I Love... and Why!

This day started off with that 'annoying' feeling, you know the one... where everything and everyone gets on your nerves. I knew today was going to be a tough one I just didn't expect what became of it. One of my best friends found out her father has cancer, in his throat. One of my little sisters had to go into the hospital because her Lupus flared up. I want to take away their pain, I really would give my life to make all the bad things affecting the ones I loved just go away... but since I can't do that and I can't trade them places to make it all better.... I figure I need to take a happy pill, put on my zen radio and turn this annoyed emotional feeling I have and pure frustration into a positive thing so I can be the best I can be when they need me. So I'm posting my first LIST in several years:

Ten Things I Love the Most and Why:

1. Jaida May- My daughter, the extension of my soul. I could never in one lifetime explain all the reasons that I love her, the things that make her so wonderful or why, but I can give one that will at least help you understand what a special person she is: This morning on her way to school she told her father of how her teacher cried in class yesterday because her dog died, and my daughter began to cry too because she felt so deeply sad for Mrs. Ross. She has my emotions and it is a blessing and a curse, she makes me so proud to have such a beautiful heart.

2. My Boss- Because most people can't say that and I truly have one of the best. I am treated like a piece of shit by 90% of the people I work with and it hurts, a lot... but knowing I work for their boss, MY boss and he is a magnificent person and manager.... makes my job easier after co workers in an office three hours away send rude emails every chance they get, MY BOSS treats me with respect and in the end he's the only one who matters here.

3. Nature- I feel so at home when I am in Nature. Camping, Kayaking, strolling through the woods, listening to a river or the wind blowing through the trees. The rain, in the summer when it is still warm and touches your skin like a thousand tiny fingers. The Ocean, the power it projects and the energy it puts out. The Sun- The wonderful life it gives me and the warmth of it on my skin. The mountains the mysterious secrets they hold and the beauty they portray in such a hard cold world.

4. Friends- Because the ones that are TRUE, and I can count those on one hand, have been there to pick me up when I felt that I couldn't go on any longer. They hold me when I cry, or try to make me laugh, remind me of the past and prompt me towards the future. They offer their love and support and expect nothing back in return, they've stood by me through decisions, good and bad and held my hand when I needed the extra strength.

5. Animals- I can't imagine a life without them around me in all shapes and forms, it would be lonely and boring.

6. Music- I truly cannot live without music. When I write, like now, I listen to ZEN, or piano lyric less tones that create stories in my mind. I love all genres - it can set a mood no matter what mood it may be you aim for. I truly Cherish every form of music and listen to nearly all of it on a daily basis.

7. Family- The ones I stay in touch with, even the ones I've not talked to in far too long. The relationships that have withheld the test of time, the ones lost through Petty religious differences, the ones that live far away and the ones I hear from frequently. In some small way they've all formed me, who I am. I love them forever no matter the circumstances.

8. Laughing- I love to laugh, and make people laugh. It is one of the most wonderful sounds and feelings to truly laugh, from your gut, your soul and your heart. To smile can change someones entire day.

9. Life- because even though it's been a really tough one this far, it has had many many wonderful things in it. Tough times= lessons... good times= appreciation. I am truly thankful for my life and look forward to the rest of it, day by day, hour by hour the good and the bad. I hope to die as happy as my happiest day.

10. Lastly- Myself: Because without first loving yourself you aren't free to love others. Even through the dark hours of my life my love for others never went away, but my self worth went lifeless. I do love myself. I see a lot of great things that others may or may not see. I might be hard on myself but it's because i strive to be the best for those around me. I am strong when others need me and that is one of my greatest values. I am working on truly loving myself like I deserve but until then, I will continue building on the foundation already laid before me.

Until Next Post- Namaste my friends... wishing you all Peace & Love.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Bring It ON!

Though my blogging has become less, even the book I have been so hell bent to finish writing set aside, I am not sure my issue is actually 'writers block' as much as it is just life getting in the way. It's funny, one minute you know yourself, inside and out and within weeks you are upside down trying to figure out how your head got so far up your own ass.

2011 was hard, but so was 2010... and I am making the decision right NOW that 2012 has no chance of being a bad year for me, I refuse to let it happen. In the past two years I have had to leave the one town, the one house I felt truly at home (Arkansas... Eureka Springs) The one place I felt like being me, and being different actually was accepted (no I am NOT gay, I just see the world WAY differently than people in the conventional world and there It was OK to speak it here in MO, not so much without someone telling you that you're going to hell for practicing Buddhism or saying that Jesus is just a man like Buddha, Not a god just a teacher and a great man... nothing more... that's how I feel!!! I'm NOT sorry!).... when I left, I came back to a place where everyone knows me, knew my parents, whisperer's about how my mom died,  watched me grow up, blah blah blah and I had this heavy feeling that I couldn't be who I found out I really was. It isn't like I had anything to hide, I just worried too much HERE that people would judge me, daily. You know what, They have, and they will continue to do so, but the truth is they did it to me when I was in Eureka too. Why it took me 31 years to figure out that no matter where you go, how comfortable you feel there or happy you are, there will and have always been people who will judge you and do everything in their power to push you face down in the mud only to pull you back out just before you drown so they can see the fear on your face.

Fuck them, feed em beans, they're gassed up if they think they're stopping me! I'ma be what i set out to be :) Thanks Em for that little line :) *Eminem*

So anyways, it's a new year, another start to another new beginning. With the end of the world looming less than a year away (insert major sarcasm here) I figure it's time to make some REAL changes, get myself back on the track I was on WHEN I WAS IN THE HAPPIEST PLACE OF MY LIFE... just because I don't have that beautiful house anymore, or live in the one place I THOUGHT made me whole doesn't mean I am not. The Buddha teaches us that we are what we think.... and when shit slid downhill I let my thoughts take me there too. No more of that! I am climbing that hill again and not a damn thing will stand in my way!

I've started working out again, and realized how wonderful it feels to literally SEE the energy flow back into my body. I started meditating again, and connecting my mind to my body through both exercises and prayer have really made a difference. No big surprise I know, but it's a step forward out of a really dark place that I was in. It's scary to admit it when we are in that place. The one where we would rather sleep 12 hours of the day than face ANYONE, even our loved ones. The place where things that used to make us laugh, annoy us and the feelings we had towards things we once loved we turn into hate because we are too lazy or scared to FEEL it anymore. FUCK THAT! That's not who I am, That's not who I want to be! Sure, we all have shitty things happen to us in life, maybe some of us more than others but it's HOW we deal with it, i just have to keep reminding myself! The thing is, nobody else can do it for us, they can help... I can say, encouraging words have done wonders for me, compliments from people I had no idea gave a rats ass, those bring us a long ways but in the end it is ourselves who have to make the final step and say that is enough! Life might have won this battle (the past two years) but I'm going to fucking WIN this war and there is nothing that will stand in my way.

So here is to 2012- The beginning of greatness, the end of darkness and the discovery of the light once distinguished, it was always there... it was just barley glowing.

Peace and Love my Friends, may this new year be the one to bring you to new levels of life as well!