Friday the 13th

A week ago today I got horrible news about a person that played a larger roll in my life than most people probably knew. I realize it was the only way communication could be given to me at this point but finding out that a good friend shot himself in the head over a text message isn't really ideal. I haven't had that breathless feeling since my mom did the same thing 8 years ago.

Suicide is selfish. The ONLY time I believe it is OK to take your own life is when you are so ill you are dying... like my mother. I understood her reasoning and why she didn't want to die in a hospital bed hooked up to machines. For the life of me though, when I heard the news about my dear friend Ron it was as if I was hit by a bus, then ran over by a train, dragged by a horse then a fire was set in my heart and it felt as if I was literally in the middle of a heart attack.

Ron left behind a lot of people who loved him, children my age and a community who cherished the fact he was a part of it. Every week I talked to Ron a few times off and on but our main conversations took place on Sundays before, during and after the Cowboys games. Sharing a passion for the same team that year after year let us down was sort of an immediate ticket to friendship I guess. He lost his brother Dave last August to cancer, Dave was an amazing man too. He was so ill, it was almost a blessing when he finally passed to know that he was no longer suffering in the shell of a body that was the Dave I'd come to know & love. His mind vibrate and his body withering in pain and sickness it was hard to see. Ron didn't leave a note, nothing to explain to his children why or what was going on in his life. So the questions bouncing through every ones minds Tuesday at the memorial were obvious. It was like watching sad zombies file into church pews. Was it out of grief for missing his brother? Was it financial distress? WHAT was the reason for this horrible act of bullshit? I'm angry, for his kids... for myself... I'm fucking PISSED and sad and my heart hurts terribly.

I wish I could report that this year has really been awesome but the truth is I am having a really hard time finding the good and trust that I AM LOOKING! Day in and day out though, I go to work, I go home and clean, cook, do laundry etc etc etc... every day. I wouldn't mind if it were still just myself in the house and Jaida of course... but it's not. There are three of us in that house yet only one of us does anything and you know what, I feel like I am nothing other than the personal maid and chef for the people in my home. My Family... but isn't family supposed to join together, make a kind of 'team effort'? Maybe I am just too anal about stuff but you know what, I liked living alone. That way, whatever mess was there, I caused and I never had more than one load of laundry or dishes a week. Now, I do at least one a day. WTF?!?!

I am not a negative person. I never have been and don't plan to become one now... however right now, if i could crawl inside a cave and sleep for a month only to wake up to sun, spring and beauty around me that would be ideal... or a trip to the beach so I can sink my feet into the sand, listen to the power of the ocean waves and close my eyes face to the sun I would be in heaven... if only it were that easy.

I hope your lives are well and happy. Wishing you Peace and Love in the New Year
Namaste