Doc Said "Rocky it's only a scratch!"

Dont pass me by- dont make me cry- dont make me blue! Ok so it's been a Beatles kinda day. busy day, long day, glad to be home day even if i am totally alone, i still have my Beatles -hence the title and the first sentence. So we are due for more 'winter weather' tonight which as you might know i'm kind of excited for, maybe i'll go sled in the dark? Read a book in front of the fire place? sit naked in the ice? nah, that sounds a bit much doesn't it? :)

Lots and lots on my mind these days- I took this picture to show a friend my hair the other day- look close, it kinda says a lot- Whatcha think im thinkin?

Nothing really- I actually saw a huge crow out the window about the same time i snapped the shot. Do i sit around taking pictures of me? Sometimes. Is it because I am a narcassist? No. I think i'm about to start showing my age, frankly i'm scared to death because i see the lines in my face when i put my make up on, i hear the sound of my thoughts when nobody else can. But, i wont deny if you see in the eyes enough there is something there, you know, the thing i can't figure out that's gone. In any case, here comes the weather, here i sit with my beatles blaring and my dogs outside barking just to annoy the animals in the woods. I think they are successful.

I hope you all have a wonderful night, enjoy the snow/ice with someone you love. I'll be in bed with my dog. xoxo  Bams

Some Random Shots of Beauty

Funniest Child EVER- Probly the coolest too!




My Fav Flats, lost forever, ooh my friends how you are missed.




Just an after thought til i get my Austin Jersey!




Pride...



The beauty of life and it's creations!







Memories that last forever.......and best friends too!






Good Times... Best Friends



Always a bright light inside!




Beauty in Nature- at it's finest





Mouse Face at Turkey Day

"Drink Coffee- Do stupid things even faster"

What a Holiday! I'm glad to say it is O.V.E.R. yet still basking in the glory of friends and family. It might have been one of the nicest Christmas's I have had in several years. I spent Christmas night alone though- it's always different when you have absolutly nobody to share the actual Holiday with. It is rather sobering in a way. In any case Xmas Eve was wonderful and the following Saturday as well.

It snowed here, i believe it was our first white Christmas in years, typically all WE get is ice. It was a nice change and much welcomed. The silence of the snow still nearly takes my breath away. The smell is alluring in itself though, enough to make me stop in my tracks and breath as deep as i can. I was outside on my deck today, snow still stuck to the ground, just not roads, not that we got much anyways. The sun was in full bloom today and it felt so good. I had to lean against the post, face to the beautiful sun as always and breath in the cold air as deep as i could. Euphoric is really all i can say.

It has definatly been an emotional month, or i should say, few months. Every day i wake up finding just a little more about myself, happy with who i am yet missing something I can't seem to find, not even really sure what it is or if it exists for real it's like searching for the back of your earing, you might as well say fuck it and go buy a new one. So that leaves a gap- I have no money or no clue what to buy... new shoes... that's more like it. Great idea!

So the Cowboys get to go to play offs if they beat the Eagles next week. OF course you know who i'm rooting for, but i wont cry if it's the EAgles that go this year either i Just think my boys deserve the chance more so than a team that picked up a douche bag like Vick. (my opinion, if you beat dogs, you should get beat... simple.. not handed your paycheck back to pay all your millions of dollars in fines) so that is my only beaf with my secondary NFL team. So, in all ... go COWBOYS!


Have you ever watched the flame dance on a candle? sometimes, it stands totally still, not moving in the slightest. You can see the definition. The darker outside of the flame, the bright inner light and the dark wick at the center. Suddenly as if it caught your breath from accross the room, it flicks to the right, then the left and appears to dance for you. It waves softly in each direction, flickers quickly then stands strangly still again. If i had to put my life into an analogy right now, because those closest to me know i'm pretty good with those. THAT would be my life. That beautiful candle just accross the room from me, the blue one. It smells like the Ocean (ok, so not really b/c i dont smell salt water or fish) but it is calming, peaceful and warm. from the outside. Like my life. Of course i'm not sure my life LOOKS very calming at all to many people.. but it is. I think i spend more time focusing on moments in life than most anyone i know, vs the big picture. I'm not sure if losing things over and over again (people, places, things, memories, bullshit in general) makes it more obvious that you should stop and breath in the moment or maybe i should give some credit to the Buddhist religion. in any case, i belive both are responsible.

I see things different these days. the candle isn't just a source of light and warmth, it's deeper. it has that hot solid edge, the one people SEE and dont think about. the external shell of the fires of life if you will. once you get past the blinding 'what appears to be a solid line' of definition around the light, you see the LIGHT it's self. it gets brighter some times, then duller and more orange, then back to vibrant yellow and so on. That's more of me as a woman, just human. soaking in emotion from all directions. Loving so much and so many, cry so hard and missing or losing things (from lives to earing backs)laughing so much i could cry happy tears to crying so hard i have to laugh. the part that matters is the wick though. the part nobody else really sees unless they can look through the flame into the middle- the eye of it- the wick. My soul. It appears dark to the eye, the wick of a candle. because in theory it is, it's just a wick right, you light that ugly dark thing and out of it comes light and warmth. love so to speak. Have you ever just wanted to blow your damn candle out for like a week? LOL I dont mean indefinatly just hit pause. Stop. Hault. Nobody move. I'm gonna lay down and sleep and when i wake up my flame will be brighter, my spirit charged, my wick even stronger and this time i'll be dancing and will never stop! HA I want a vacation.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, HOliday, whatever it was, or wasn't to you. In any case, i hope you spent a few days, weeks or even just hours with friends/family you love and who love you. I hope you were lifted up and your candle flame danced. I hope your smiles came free and the laughter was so intense your cheek bones feel as if they are frozen and cramping. THAT is the best kind of laughter. I hope you were out with your old friends, learning of places they've been, storys they told or faces they've met. Home with your family passing gifts and egg nog along with the newest baby of the family. AT the dinner table with whomever you needed at that moment passing the Lasagna around like it is tradition for xmas dinner :)

We always get what we need, no doubt about that. We dont always get what we want, that's for damn sure. But when exactly do we work hard enough to deserve them both at the same time? I'm ready for my good Karma, any day now Universe... God? Anyone? lay it on me!

Peace to you all, Much love from my little piece of heaven on earth here in the middle of nowhere AR.

THE NEW MOON - That must be why i feel this way.

When I started this blog over two years ago it was mainly a way to just vent, to write, unedited freely with my soul and feelings laid out for any passers by to view, to see that out there in the world like them, there was another person who felt like they did or had the same vision. I've revamped this blog several times, once i hit 200 posts i started over again and put most of the prior work into a scramble of pages that will someday grace the title Memoirs- My life through amber colored glasses (steal that title i will hunt you down and break your knee caps)

I've found in the last year i have quite the following. not only those who publically follow, but people who read this just to see what's up in my weird world, see what my thoughts might be, find an uplifting story to cheer them up or at least interesting pictures. i feel i've failed in that area as of late. Letting this weird thing called life take over and leave me no room for my passions like writting (entertaining you people) and taking pictures but i'm finally back on the right path and taking time tonight to ramble a little.

Here i sit in my living room, the one with NO tv, only a sterio, the place i spend my time writting, mediating, thinking and escaping reality. I took a shower earlier, ready for a night out. To witness one of my best friends boyfriends ask her father for her hand in marriage - a christmas program for a special little girl i've grown to see as my own family and then later the Pj PARTY at the cat house with with my favorite group of guys Honkey Suckle who play some mean ass music.... why? Not because I dont want to be there, because i do. for all of it, because i love them all so very much but because i'm in a funk today. Not some sad funk, no.... i'm not all chipper and sunshiny like normal either. I'm more in the 'breath slow in the moment' type mood. No doubt i'll end up at the Cat house in pajamas later, but not for long i assure you- until then i'll lay here on my sofa, the only lights in the house other than my laptop are the white ones on the xmas tree and a pumpkin spice candle flickering in the distance. It is so silent in here my typing is an echo off the highly arched ceilings and the cat purring somewhere in the house, which is kind of scaring me because he's black and i have no clue where he is.

Christmas is coming so fast - JUST because I study Buddhism, doesn't mean i dont celebrate christmas. I have a baby girl and until she decideds what fits her soul as i did my own, we will celebrate every holiday there is, it's life afterall.... all of them. Life is well worth the celebration. Even then i'll have the tree once she's gone, i'm sure. Mainly because even though i dont outwardly admit this, i spend so much time alone during holidays that the tree- even though silent in it's existance, makes me feel like im not really alone. It makes the inevidable Christmas night while Jaida is with her dad that much more cozy and warm, even if it is just me reading by the fire with a tree to help light each page.

I'm definatly in a deep emotional bubble at the moment, feelings and emotions trapped inside slowly gathering in my fingers unsure if I should share here or just write my book. Which will hopefully someday be my saving grace, allowing me to 'work' for myself. Cook all day long with the most beautiful music playing in the background and have dinner ready for my family (or dogs, whatever!) when it's time.

I think i'll sit back, watch a netflix online and then maybe dig through some pj's that are'nt too 'naughty' for public... since that is what the theme is... naughty pj party- i prefer to keep that part for private, but i'm all about sporting my slippers and robe into the bar for an hour so share a glass of wine, dance a jig with my friends and then hurry home to snuggle up for bed.

I hope you all have your warmest wishes at your side tonight, comfort, health, wealth, love or just plain life in general- all you need. Peace my friends. Until tommorrow- when i post drunk pictures of me in my grandma robe in PUBLIC................. HA HA TOTALLY KIDDING I HOPE.

Obviously its been so long since i've posted i forgot how to insert pictures as the story goes, so this one is like a puzzle for ya- try to figure out which picture goes with which part of the story! oh fun!

Ta Da- She's baaaaack.... again.

Holy Ages! I haven’t posted in over two months. I could use any one of the following excuses……
• I was abducted while attending the local UFO Conference in Eureka Springs and just now got back from my trip around Uranus
• I have been traveling the world in search of Nirvana
• I have been tangled in the arms of the man of my dreams- Paul Walker
• I have been making trips back and fourth from the US to Fiji, trying to get moved into my new place on the ocean
• I’ve been filming the next part of the Twilight series “Breaking Dawn” to be released over a year from now…. and I get totally naked in it!
• I’ve been in Tibet Studying Buddhism with the Monks, and since shaved my head and changed my name to Thich Nhat Hanh.
• OR….. I’ve been so damn busy with real life that I haven’t had time to get my head stuck in the clouds, at least not long enough to get on my computer unless I’m at work, in which case I cannot access my blog due to new restrictions.
I’ll let you figure this one out!

My word what a couple of months it has been too! wow. Where in the hell do I start?
My daughter is in Kindergarten and doing very well! She is starting to read. I’m scared because I wonder how much longer I’ll be able to hide things by spelling them out to someone without her understanding me. How do you call someone a Douche Bag if your kid sounds it out and then asks what it is? (no she hasn’t YET) Guess I’ll start making up new, less abrasive terms for the parasites I’ve encountered, like maybe…. “Gosh, he’s a total tampon!” but I’m not sure that would be any better to explain????? In any case, watching your daughter flourish in school, even at such a young age is amazing. It also makes me feel my age which is totally not cool!




I recently decided I needed a huge change in my life- so since I’d never dyed my entire head (only highlights now and then) I figured, hey, I’ll just fucking go for it you know, just do it. Everyone else does! So I did. It was horrid. It was strawberry red. Which is GREAT on a lot of people, but this was not my color peeps, I looked like a lit match!

Jaida took this picture of me cooking on Thanksgiving- as you can see.... pretty bright





Of course Jenni (whos under layer of hair is blue right now) thought I should just go REAL BLOOD RED like ‘Annie Lennox’ RED from the late 90’s. I opted out of that with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. So, while on a weekend escape from reality with my other bff Katie I got toner from the local beauty store and got that red out- becoming literally in the blink of an eye, a female Billy Idol look alike. (jenni loved it *this is me scratching my glowing hair in confusion*) but finally went to my hair dresser to get it done. After a slight miss-commuinication it turned YELLOW:




I came back to work, and after the long odd moments of silence and stares (not the good , damn she looks cute today, or oh I love her shoes “stare” ) these were ‘holy ages, what the F** has she done” so I immediately called my stylist to have it dyed as dark as I could. So I did, and I love it:






The point of that rant was: Natural blondes should NEVER, under any circumstances, EVER be allowed to touch OTC hair dye! End of that bullshit!

Winter has officially begun- it’s cold as hell here and even the bugs are trying to get in the house. I found the third stink bug in my house and decided it was time to buy the do it yourself FOGGERS. Don’t get me wrong, I love the smell of cilantro, but stink bugs are like stuffing cilantro up your nose, twisting it then adding some lemon! I begin (thankfully) reading instructions on this bug bomb, and it tells me in BOLD to shut off the pilots, all electric devices, AC/HEAT etc… or my house could blow up. I don’t know how to shut the piliots off in my house…. So I guess I’ll let my cat continue catching the little green stink bugs until I find someone who volunteers their time to make sure I don’t blow myself up. (in recent events i learned i dont have pilot lights in my house, what a relief!)

Meanwhile, back at the bat cave- I mean Pierce City. My parasite of a used to be ‘step’ sister is still sucking off of my step dad/host of a father. Still no job, SUPPOSIDLY getting her GED (bout fucking time, maybe you’ll have it by the 30th birthday?) I mean really. Nothing against people who didn’t graduate, to each their own, fuck my own mom didn’t. But she DID get a GED. This bitch hasn’t worked more than 2 weeks at any given job since the dawn of time, and has two kids, two different fathers and dates men older than my dad……….. they aren’t even rich ones! LOL I mean in all fairness, if you’re gonna leach off someone, don’t make it your disabled father you asshole! Ok that was my mean vent for this post- We are officially no longer related or even in the same lifetime as far as I go, I’m done and plan to never see, speak or hear of that bitch again in my life. Nuff Said.

I recently went exploring with a friend or friends, who will remain nameless, since I have learned in the past few months how important my PRIVATE life is…. To other people…. So I’ll just keep the mystery about it. Went to the Buffalo River in Arkansas- Went to some bad ASS water falls- crawled way back in some caves, even took pictures of some little cave bats. They are ADORABLE.




I never thought I’d get that close to one, but I even pet one of their backs! I want one now… We even sat down in a café in this tiny town in southern Arkansas, where to my disgust there was not one bit of COW or Chicken on the menu… only lamb, buffalo, wild hog or ELK. Yes, I slowly stood up and then hauled ass for the door. Even the salads were alive.

It was a great trip- here are some pics for you:

>



DEEP inside a cave








In the recent learning of ‘lesson’s’ so to speak, I’ve learned a number of things:
• I’m more nieve than I ever thought- but I know what a drug addict/Alchoholic looks like now.
• Even if you do contact their parents, it doesn’t do any good, they continue to self distruct and you’re better off without them around
• The instincts of a mother are scary when her life feels threatened. I learned exactly to what extent I will go to in order to keep my daughter and our house safe. NO, I’m not afraid to use it- and NO those people do not scare me anymore. And I am not sorry for how I reacted!
• I have learned that love, over anger and hate will prevail no matter what. Even if you do have to boot out the people in life who you once cared so deeply for. In the end, the hole they left is filled with pure, good things and more laughter than you thought possible.
• Children are truly the light of the world. No matter how long you avoid holding babies, you eventually have to hold one, and when you do, you’re going to fall in love with it.
• Family means what you want it to mean, 98% of my family is of no relation to me at all they are the adopted ones… friends and friends families. 1% is worth my time and have done tremendous wonderful things for me, among those things… picking me up from HELL at 2 AM on a five hour drive one way and of course my true blood sisters, I love them to death, yet never see or hardly talk to them I’m still proud to call them family… the other 1% I will just leave blank- not worth the energy it takes to type
• The more time you spend outside, the better you feel in your heart and soul
• Religion is a joke to most people- to me it just means you believe in someone/something bigger than you. Not that if you don’t believe a certain way you’re damned to hell because sometimes, I think this life is hell or at least a damn tride and true test to see if we’d last down there. I think all religions are great- just as long as you feel as a single soul that it makes you better as a person. y’s post, or in a nutshell rather. Life changes, people change… if they do, it’s hopefully for the better, if not, walk away and wipe your hands of it. Life is too short and way too beautiful to let it get tainted by the hands of someone not there for your best interest.


In closing for today If you’re in someones life for your own selfish reasons, well that that means you too! I keep looking around, meeting new people, and finding myself apauled by what I see in some people. It’s almost a question now of ‘why even try’ to meet new people, if they keep ending up to be something they are not in the end anyways.

The holidays are upon us, I hope you all had a super Turkey day, ate until your hearts were content and were surrounded by the people you love and who love you most. I know I was. Christmas isn’t far off, and I’m trying so hard to get festive-I’m sure in the next few weeks if I don’t, media will no doubt push it on me anyways, I might as to those who are new comers to the following of my blog. I promise to improve posts from this point forward, come on now, give me a break…. I was with the aliens in Fiji, had writers block because I was in the arms of Paul walker, my hot vampire fiancé and when I woke up in Tibet I was bald and can’t prounounce my own name- damn that paodi! XOXOXOXO

Cowboys- dammit- Romo pull your head out of your ass

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

The skys turn so dull grey, the wind picks up swiftly, almost as a warning of what is to come. Yet i stand here with my face to the sky ready for it. The thunder rolls softly almost a whisper, then quickly turning to a solid roar in the sky. The leaves have started to turn, reminding me of the promise i've made to myself on the first day of Autumn. Suddenly the rain begins to fall..........

At first, it's small drops, cooler than summer rain, bigger, almost like the tears Alice cries in Wonderland. They pick up more intense now, faster, heavier and soon you smell it....... the first rain of Fall. It is such an earthy smell, as if you can tell the season change through the scent, and you can. Looking around me the leaves have started changing, it's no longer just the dried crisp tips of the leaves, the color has begun to smother the leave almost to the point you dont see the green on any of them anymore, yet the true vibrant color of the season has not peaked.

I close my eyes, face to the clouds, wetness falling so softly on my lips causing me to smile. It's here- a new season, a new chapter, the rest of my life!

It is amazing to me, the things we can endure in a month that can change our lives forever. The people we meet, the friends we make... even the friends we've had who had to push us down the hill and slap us- only with love to make sure we realize we've lost ourselves in the season. The past is the past, just that... once you leave it, that is where it stays. Or it should anyways.

Memories deleted from computers or torn from pages still remain in our minds, not by choice. It's up to us to pick and chose the memories we wish to imprint us and our souls forever. The changes made in me have been for the better. I've come into this season with a fresh new perspective on life and finally found my light again... there in the eyes once grown cold for whatever reason.

I sit here with all my windows open, as always, the rain spraying into my face as i type and the scent of earth swirling around my head making me giddy inside- butterflies like a first kiss, a spring morning, or a babys laugh.

Life is wonderful, as much as you can find in a day that says otherwise, at the end of it, like today, the importance lies in the present- there is so much here to be thankful for. Not run from the rain because we dont want our hair messed up, but stand in it, feel it, smell it and smile because you're alive and that is all you can ask and move forward- smiling, maybe even skipping at a quicker pace than yesterday.

So in the end - of the day - the season - the relationship - the year - the moment.... look back and smile, watch the bad melt away like the rain washes the dirt from the concrete.... into the gutter never to be seen again. Felt- maybe, if you let it, but seen... only in your minds eye if you wish.

I hope today was filled with nothing but good memories, butterflies in your stomach, falls first true storm, children laughing, puppies yapping, whatever it is that makes you smile and gives you a sense of comfort in your life. I know i have mine back- here where it always was, just covered by the end of a seasons dust from staying in one place for way too long emotionally.

Cheers my friends- May your evening be filled with everything that makes your heart smile, and your chest burst with laughter.

Chasing Waterfalls

Things happen to us at the strangest times in our lives. It’s like hiking all the way to the top of the mountain to see the most beautiful waterfall, and when you reach the top, the water is dried up, you cant see the view past the trees and you are left standing there, in the clearing surrounded by trees and a dry river bed. Dissapointed, confused, worn out from the hike and even worse… thirsty as hell and again, no water. It’s this moment when you sit down and look around for the joke…… realizing it’s reality and you have to keep searching for something to make the hike worth while so you sit a little longer. The rain starts, at first it’s a soft warm rain, the kind that makes your hair stand up on your arms in pure joy, then it begins to fall faster, and harder, growing colder and colder until you’re searching for a place to escape. In front of you is the cliff, you know, the one the waterfall is supposed to be running over, behind you a forest with miles to hike back to your own car and nothing but mud to make you slide the entire way down… and of course the bolders you’d land on.

THAT is where I am right now. I’m that person. Huddled under the biggest oak tree I can find trying to stay warm and dry, yet the wind continues to blow. I keep closing my eyes, thinking any minute the sun will come out, the rain will stop and I can go home, safe at peace and warm where I should be, but it seems never ending.
I love life. Even the down falls- always have. Maybe the downfalls aren’t the best when you’re in dead center of them, but when you do finally get out of the cold harsh rain and wind, down the mountain and back safe at home you start to realize how important the things you DO have in life really are. I’ve lost a lot in the past two weeks. Not material, just emotional value. Nothing worth talking about here since it can and will be used against me later so you can just email me or wait for the book to find out. :)

It does make me curious though, how you can go through life trying to do nothing but good. Help whom ever comes along, do all you can and still get kicked in the face when you’re on your knees asking for help. It’s always the ones who kick the hardest that you thought would be there to pick you up but it never turns out that way. It’s the people you never knew would be there when you need it the most.
The rain is literally getting ready to pour here- the sky is black and the coolness of the fall season is pushing through the windows. Tomorrow is the first day of fall- Autumn I should say. The start of yet another chapter in life, time to stand up from under the tree, brush the mud off the best I can and make the long journey back home. I’m sure I’ll stumble on the way down, no doubt we all do. but I had to make this hike to see what it was for myself, instead of listening to what anyone else might have said. We all see things different, accept things in different ways, react differently, care differently, show affection differently… you name it. The one thing we can do, as humans is try to find the good inside- even those who really don’t have any (and yes I’ve seen them first hand as of late). Give people a chance and then move on. Pick up our friends when they are laying face down in the mud instead of walking over them because we don’t want to get our shoes muddy, not even stopping to think of how that person in the mud right now may have been your ‘rock’ when YOU needed them. Sometimes Rocks fall down. They can take a lot of pressure but all rocks will eventually break when they have all the weight on them, and nobody to put the weight ON themselves.

I’m walking away- saying goodbye to the dry river bed, making this long journey back home, to myself to my smile and to my way of life as I knew it, I’ll just be a few friends short, a little less weight for me to carry. I mean really, we have to clean out our closets sometime in life right? Why keep the negative ugly ones that aren’t even comfortable to begin with? That’s why we hand them off to the thrift store, someone else will mistakenly pick them up thinking ‘what a cool shirt’ only to return them just as I am.

To my lovely readers, Happy Monday! I hope you have your rock by your side. Your heart in your hands locked safely unable to be hurt, your head held high and at least one person to remind you who you are if you lost sight of it, even when the entire world feels against you. I hope you can stop your tears long enough to realize the strongest person you know is yourself. Hands down and that even you, that rock, has to give in once in a while and admit that you can’t take on the world forever without a little crack in your surface now and then. You know what, it’s ok though. The sun will always come back out!





Much Love- cheers and oh, boo hoo Cowboys! Hey Romo, pull your head out of your tight little ass please, your gonna give me ulcers.

Just Another Chapter in the day of MY life.

All I can hear is the whoosh of the fan once again. The windows are open to let the coming autumn light in, reminding me that change is just around the corner. This time of year, just before the wind grows too cold to take a walk outside without a jacket, a ride In the car with the windows down and the music at high volume. You can look about the horizon, you can see the orange starting to swallow up the tip of the once vibrant green leaves in an almost stealthy manor. The water is a bit calmer, less traffic and more silence. The wind dances in a different direction, this way, then that, then another direction completely.


I stood in the sun, my long hippy dress softly flowing along with the river, and my feet sliding softly through the moss built up over time on the rivers edge. The sun felt right today, calming and outreaching, soothing and impowering, at least to a soul who needs the empowerment right now.

I find my power in the strangest of places once I let someone suck it from me. Some people go through life, not giving a shit, not letting things affect them, not feeling or seeing with their heart but I’m not that person. I see things different, I feel them like only I know how apparently. I see here…. My dress, flowing, my feet at ease in the calm cool water and a crystal I’m holding dear to bring me back the light that seems to be slipping.


The one ones who can change our lives are us. Sure, we let people in- that is human behavior, if we blocked them all out we would be nothing but alone and lost to figure it out on our own. With help – a nudge, a friend, a picture, a phone call… you can do the most amazing things for someone. Save a life, turn a tear to a smile, get lost in a moment that can cause nothing but peace and serenity. The good ones are sent here to show us the way, to mirror who we are when we’ve lost it and can’t see past the control someone has taken of our soul. The bad ones, the soul takers, are only here to take your light, your spirit and use it to make themselves stronger leaving you weak an in pain, as they travel their disctructive journey through life taking and taking never to give back anything but lies. I’ve spent days looking into the eyes you see here:



What do you see?
 

I see someone full of love, and peace, someone who let another or others take something that they readily took without even a thought of return something i gave of my own free will, yet i still see determination, I see the goal that I will reach no matter how many ups and downs this world may hand to me. I find sadness in these eyes though, sadness only caused by letting people in. Opening my heart and finding good in everyone. Truth is, there isn’t good in everyone, they just hide it fucking well.




Not this girl my friends- you can get me down, but you can’t keep me there! You can dim my light or tell me lies, hide the truth, or pretend you’re someone you’re not but the fact remains, I’m not stupid- as my mom said in her suicide note “just have too much pitty for the pitiful!” I’m ready for the rest of my life- said if for a while now, if you don’t want a part of it, go away… find another light to distinguish with your lies and your fake smiles, your fake life and your bullshit drama. To those who love me for my light, come on back…. All is good and life is grand. Come with me… and hold my hand


It's a damn good day sunshine! Love and Hugs, Bambi

Longest Month EVER

I'm not sure exactly where to start this post. considering i'm not finishing the very depressing and raw Memoirs until my book is ready- that's all you get for now but i'm sure i could save you the gory details, however draining it was to actually write it, PUBLICALLY, has taken a lot out of me and removed my creative process of thought now for over a month.

It's truly amazing how fast time can go, a week, a month, a year.The changes that happen in the seasons, life and just every second in general. People who leave your life suddenly begin to be missed, some dont miss at all but smile for finally seeing them for who they were and removing yourself from that situation.
Then there are the people gained in your life, the new 'recruits' so to speak, the ones you fill out and tell small things to just to test them and see if they are even worthy of being in your life. Do they bring good things, or negative energy and drama with every tick of the clock? These people in a matter of time begin to show the truth face of who they are- some of them wonderful... amazing true spirits, others the kind of shadows you cross the street to avoid. The most important ones are the people you've had in your life that you've not seen or heard from the ones that when you hit the point i'm at in life now, you stop and realize that no matter what these very few true people will always be who you are a part of you, a part of your character and your every being, action and breath.

I have grown up such an independant person, that I catch myself taken aback as of late. I have spent countless hours in what i can only call a whirlwind of 'mind fuck' trying to put the picture back together. How do you lose yourself, totally in 6 weeks? Why? Can you pin point that one move, the moment when you just shut off? I have been trying, and cannot for the life of me figure it out. I know i've hurt people in the past year, not intentionally- good people, people i love, but people who are better without me, and me without them. People who i love from afar, but together cause such drama and friction it makes my head hurt and my heart race.

My 29th Birthday came and passed. Once again, a total let down that i set myself up for. I havent had a good birthday for over six years, but i've kept the faith up to this point. I officially quit celebrating them- If i am not woken by the Beatles song, and the heart behind the tradition- the only person I had in the world who really knew ME- well then, i'll just stay 29, because really- isn't that the age we are supposed to stay anyways?


I took Jaida to my mom's side family reunion.

It was in Yellowstone National Park. Before I got really sick, in the hospital and cooking brain, I took some pictures and got to see SOME of the park. I met a lot of family i've only heard about from my mom and it was wonderful, the resemblance in our genes is amazing when you see us all together in pictures. It sure is funny though, the characteristic differences in us all. You have the family you've grown up with- the ones you know from once or twice a year visits and that you keep in touch with. My cousin and I have been like sisters since i can remember, she was always who i looked up to growing up. She's still up there with the people i hold high in my book of thoughts. My aunt, the 30 year recovering 'drunk' for lack of better terms, finally shows her true colors and how much better she is than the rest of us, or me i guess. When your mom kills herself it tends to put a taint in the mouth of the siblings left behind, enough for them to blatently tell you to your face 'your dad killed your mom bambi, she would never have done that to herself' and lets not forget making sure to tell me that she never loved him either. boy- some people are just a real kick in the arse.- causing me to laugh at the sheer ignorance of her words as they echo accross the boiling hot tub water into my already weak ears. Again, with the 'finally realizing the truth of people'. Of course my cousins hubby was a good dude as always, he came. She was blessed with a husband with a heart of gold and they created a son with a kiss from heaven on his head.

Little white spot in the front of his soft brown hair- no explaination but a kiss from an angel. He and jaida played so well. I met all my mom's cousins- the ones from California, Washington, Oregon (i am sure i'm forgetting somewhere) My cousin John, his father grew up with my mom- both wonderful loving and generous people. It was truly a blessing to have John there and his dad, i'm not sure if it had been for them and my Uncle Ronnie that I would even have a brain right now- because they took me to the ER (never travel to any place in the middle of BFE if you have even the slighttest illness) Apparently a temp that high for 2 days straight can cause serious damage- Thank you for technically saving my life- and my aunt, Katina, who drove through the night FIVE hours to keep me from anymore emotional dramatic bullshit- I can't wait to spend more time with them! All in all- it was the first family reunion in years, the first one without my mom, the first one with my own daughter and the first one where i felt like i really did have a family- even if not close- i had them, they were here... i could see her in all of them and that alone made me feel happy.

Oh did i mention i almost lost my dog in the middle of it all? Yeah, Paxton the 11 year old Schnauzer- he's good now, fine, happy again, just ugly with scars but he's still here- ass loads of money later... here he is......... still the most loyal person in my life!

I can't promise my writing will be back to frequent, as life is tossing me curve balls and people, i've never played baseball in my life! Everyday is like stepping up to the plate with a different person throwing hard shit at my face, for me to swing, miss and then do all over again. It's only a matter of time before i make contact and crack the fucking ball out of the park, i guess only time will tell and practice makes perfect? At least practice makes us stronger no matter what the case. I'm just happy football season is here- the one night a week, when I can and will, sit down (ok if i have the channel) and get to watch my COWBOYS as the leaves change colors, the breeze grows colder, the days grow shorter and the darkness of winter begins to loom around us. Football season- It is MY Adrenaline rush for days when the sun isn't shining.

No matter the weather, the mood or the issues. I sure hope your life is drama free, if its not- look around you... where does all the bullshit come from? Kindly let them go about their own way. I've realized one thing for sure in this little adventure of August- I will NOT waste another day on an energy draining, negative, bitchy, snooty or backstabbing person. Frankly DAHLING- I dont give a damn! Life is too damn short to deal with that- I've had enough of it in a month to last me a lifetime, which wont be an issue, since i've officially stopped aging. Much love to you all- peace in all the right places, smiles at all the right times. Cheers

I leave you with a little close up of my kind of sunshine:

Memoirs- Jeanette Eisele - Part 2.

As I glanced back at her lifless body, one last time I saw my dad crying as he leaned to her cheek. I pushed through the wooden swinging doors and burst into the most painful deep sobbing i'd ever experianced. Even the large farmers arms of the cornor were somewhat helpful as he tried to console me. At least he kept me from falling, as any strength i had as of now was gone, along with her soul.

I walked slowly out of the odd smelling funeral home, and down the concrete path to the little blue VW Beetle we had bought my mom after the tornado destroyed her Sentra (it was so old and oxidized, we never understood her emotional connection to it) and at the time, I had a yellow VW Beetle and she always liked mine, so we got her one. It was now my dads to drive... a six foot 6 tall bald man... it WAS pretty funny.... at least it was somethign to smile about. I sat in the car, with the door open, staring into the sun waiting for something to happen to wake me up from this horrible dream and she'd be standing there laughing like some sick April Fools Day joke "ha ha gotcha"... but it didn't. I heard the door slam and it was my dad. His head was down, eyes gazed into the steps he was taking and the cracks on the concrete before his giant feet. He opened the car door and sat down slowly.

"We need to go and talk to Sharon" he said, without any emotion at all. So off to the house we headed. The drive up the way was longer than it had ever been. The gravel crunched under the tires and the once beautiful house, now torn apart from the tornado that hit only months prior was there, unfolding as if in some horror movie.

She was standing next to her squad car, arms crossed, puffy eyes yet no tears. Sharon was always a good friend of our family, she was a lesbian so of course people around town had to treat her like crap because that's what back woods idiots do to people who are a little different or things they dont understand. I began to walk into the house, I had to get 'bobby'- my mom's favorite bird. Sharon stopped me quickly telling me... i didn't want to see it. I assured her, I did. She walked with me to the living room, where my mom had laid the padding from a lawn chair over a sofa to keep any blood from ruining the sofa (because you had to know her, god forbid she leave a mess for us... ina house that was already torn up by a tornado)

"No Blood?" I asked with the most amazed look on my face. "no, not one drop my dear' Sharon replied with her solid arm around me. I asked her to explain to me how she was laying and she did. On the west end was her head, at her feet a picture of Jesus Christ, which explained why she was smiling when i saw her for the last time. On the floor were two bowls of water. One with dish soap, one with clean water. Again with the mess thing. After we took Bobby out of the house I asked to be alone in the room. Adam was there, and that was fine. I sat down quietly on the sofa I wanted to feel what she felt see what she saw- I knew she kept her 'stash' of green material somewhere close and the last thing i wanted was the sheriff to find it upon their secondary search- she didn't need to be rumored a pot smoker on top of a suicidal. I looked around, asked aloud 'if i were here, where would i have hidden it'.... i reached up under the botton of a side table, pushed the drawer backwards and it landed in my hand. I began to cry.

Adam was standing to my right, beside the couch and reached for my shoulder in condolence. About that time i heard something solid hit the ground and roll. The look on his face was of shock, and he was somewhat pale in the face. "what was that" i asked. "Uh" he stammered "i'm not sure you need to know Bambi" In my head, i kept asking - WHY does everyoen assume i dont need to know, ASSUME i shouldn't see, ASSUME i shouldn't be told- I stood up quickly to discover why he didn't want me to see it.

There on the floor, about two feet from my foot was the slug that the cops were unable to find during the original walk through of the scene. It was a small one, i picked it up and with horror on my face realized the white piece of substance on the end of it wasn't part of the bullet, but part of my mom's bone. I quickly placed it in a plastic bag, and put it in my pocket. Not long after that, I realized i hadn't even asked for a note. I stepped outside to ask Sharon and she had told me the Sheriff had taken it, along with the weapon for further examination and it would be weeks before they would get it back to us.

Here i stand, silently hiding the bullet they thought was in the sofa because it was a through and through shot to her chest, yet no sign of it entering the fabric of the place she was laying. Apparently in the 'law' world, this was odd. It was also said the weapon was set to automatic rounds- but jammed on one shot.

To be Continued...............

Memoirs- Jeanette Eisele Part 1.

It was July 16th of 2003. It had been a full year at least of non stop phone calls to her, daily… typically more than once sometimes more than five depending on the change between them. It was normal to call her in the morning, see how she felt and get my ass chewed out from something I’d done when I was five, like biting the blinds leaving teeth prints while I watched my parents out in the yard, of course she was back in that moment, so you can imagine how hard it was for me to not laugh at her being that I was at the time 22 and she was STILL yelling at me for doing that, then saying ‘I didn’t’ do it’ (I was an only child people… lets say I wasn’t bright enough to blame the dog) I remember waking up this day, calling her. The first of the calls were pleasant, she talked of the humming birds fighting over feeders or mates or whatever would cause then to fly at one another shit and fly the other direction. We would giggle about this almost daily. The first conversation was good, I thought this would be a wonderful day for us. An hour later I got another call from her angry with me, because she’d not heard from me yet today, ranting about insurance claims and the tornado then switching to something totally off the wall. My stomach would sink and I could hear it in her voice that there wasn’t much time left, but I didn’t care to face it. I was 22. Nothing can hurt you at 22. The calls went on all day- good then bad, then finally the last one it hit her you could tell, she realized after I angrily said to her ‘mom, for gods sake I’m working and I’ll come see you after work, we’ve had this same FUCKING conversation all damn day’…. she hung up on me. I sat, staring at the clock in my office. It was after 4 and I got off work by five. I immediately felt horrible and tried to call back but no answer.

She had gotten an MRI a few months prior to her losing her memory sparatically, they saw dark spots on the base of her skull – meaning the cancer had spread. The slightest hint of chemo therapy or radiation or even the acknowledgement that she was dying or losing her mind was out of the question for her. So we went along with it, papa and i. we just pretended right along side her that nothing was wrong.

When I got off work, I went to my house that I had been living in with Jaida’s dad (this was before Jaida of course, we lived in sin… ya ya) I was preparing dinner, of course to take some to my parents when I heard a knock at the door. It was her, holding wind chimes in each hand. I welcomed her in, gave her a hug. She was in a surprisingly chipper mood. She had been at Modern Variety and found these chimes. She wanted me to pick the one I most liked. It was hard, one were rainbow colored sunshines with huge smiles and the other soft pink butterflies. I wanted them both, but I took the sunshines, knowing that she secretly wanted the butterflies, since I always reminded her of one. We sat and chatted for a while, she showed me some sillies she had gotten and shared some white chocolate with me (the real kind, the kind they chip away and put in a paper bag for you… the kind that makes you sick when you eat more than a few pieces). Like always though, the conversation slipped… somewhere in the midst we began arguing about something and I told her in the meanest voice I could muster “I have had enough! FUCK MOM- you go off like this ten seconds later you’re back to fucking normal!!! Seriously how do you NOT see what you are doing?” She stopped, her face turned blank and she headed towards the door. She smiled at me as she began walking out, still holding the butterfly wind chimes and said ‘you wont have to worry that much longer bambi, I love you’ to which I replied ‘I love you too mom’ and the door shut quietly.

I watched her get in the van, sit for a moment realizing what was realling going on, it had to be hard to realize you were losing your mind and had no clue. I stood in the picture like any snotty 22 year old ass hole would do and just watched her without telling her I was sorry. My god, she was tiny, she weighed 80 pounds last I knew, she was a walking skeleton.

The night drew to a close like any other, Adam and I watching tv. Ignoring all possible reality in the outside world, eating whatever it was I had cooked, snuggling with Paxton and just hanging out.

July 17, 2003

I woke up the next morning with the same chip on my shoulder. I remember thinking to myself how horrible I was, but at the same time how I wasn’t going to let her ruin my day today. I wasn’t going to call! I headed off to work – regular office chatter- blah blah blah and it was lunch time. I went home to have lunch with Adam and our Friend Chase. At the time the two were mowing yards together so it was a nice break for me to smell stinky working men while eating a lunch meat sandwhich. I remember heading back to work around 1:00 and that is when the day grew cold.

I still hadn’t called, I kept thinking of what I had told a co worker just weeks before this whole thing ‘I wished god would heal her or take her away because I cannot handle this much longer’- sinking in my head and my stomach I felt the guilt and realized it was nearly 2 and I’d not even gotten a call from her yet. About that time my phone rings.

“Bambi, this is XXX from security, we need you to come over to the security building right away please”. Immediately I thought I was getting fired, again with the selfishness of a 22 year old until I rounded the corner to the building and saw the Pierce City Police car. I heard every step I took, every breath in and out, I could feel the sun beating down on me almost in a straight burn. It was bright, in my eyes and I could feel my heart racing I had a hunch, intuition you might call it, but it was confirmed when I peered through the window to see my dads hat he wore every day- I knew it was him b/c he always wore his infantry pin on it from the army.

I opened the door to see two of our company security officers that I’d gotten to know very well by speeding past them in the parking lot while they shake their fingers at me and I’d honk every time as if to say nah nah nah – against the far wall was the cross eyed cop from Pierce City who was once our janitor turned police chief over night (yeah, I’m serious here, go a head and laugh… we all do!) and then he stood up……….. my dad…. His tall thin stature normally so strong and protective was green in the face – red in the eyes and shaking like he’d seen a ghost.

“She did it Bambi” he said to me with an obvious pain and lump in his throat. “NO…. where is she, is she ok… no she didn’t!!!!” he repeated that yes in fact she had- and I hit the cold tile of the floor knees first. He picked me up, I hit him in the chest as if it were somehow going to make me feel better or wake me up from the horrible nightmare I was in and behind him, as he held me so tight to his chest I saw the PC officer look to the ground when the words “Where is she now, can we go see her” came from my mouth. The room cleared quickly. The security guards that once jokes with me turned and walked away, the officer stood steady with no expression and no eye contact.

“Shes gone sweety, she’s at Lakin Funeral Home”

The last words I remember then were saying NO and crying, feeling sick and running out the front door of the building that seems to be closing in on me and throwing up violently next to the tire of my dads car. I sat down in the summer heat suddenly emotionless, no tears, they had stopped…….my ribs hurt from the emotional thrust of sickness that had just came from inside my soul.

It wasn’t long before papa joined me and sat on the curb. Everyone cleared out it seemed and it was just us. I knew what I had to do. But I wasn’t ready. Two weeks ago she reminded me very clearly “When it’s my time, I don’t want a big funeral so all the fake people can come stare at my lifeless shell and pretend they cared, I want you to cremate me, don’t you dare let them cut me open I want to see God in one piece unscathed from a coroners hand, and I want you to scatter me to the four corners” This obviously was a conversation we all knew was coming, she had to smoke pot to eat- even a few bites then sometimes it would hurt so bad she threw it back up anyways.

My dad put his hand on my shoulder and told me to go get my things, that I had a job to do as I was in charge of everything in her passing. Nobody but Me was to make any final decisions in her well being for the afterlife. I stumbled across the black pavement into the building where I worked. My boss was gone, I was weak and I will never forget the first person I told. Her name was Brandy Beshears- I saw her in the kitchen and she asked me what was wrong. Make up down my face, I asked where Kurt (my boss) was. In the next second would be the first time, to what was at that time almost a total stranger that “I have to leave, my mom killed herself”.

I excused myself from the already growing curious crowd of people who had apparently seen me fall outside the building and get sick, so you can imagine how quickly news spread the moment the large oak doors closed behind me. All I could hear in my head was what I had said only a few days or weeks before “I wish god would just heal her or take her…. “ over and over again. The next stop was to tell Adam. I knew where they were working, and papa drove me silently to the doctors yard. I stepped out of the car and as if he felt the pain rush over him as well he heard my tears over the hum of the lawn mower. He shut it off, jaw dropped in awe and I again lost all strength in my knees. I don’t remember what I told him- I just remember opening my eyes and I was at the funeral home.

The smell is horrible in any funeral home, it’s deathly quiet and the carpet is always some horrible pink color with the most hideous flower wall paper to hide the once panneld walls. Mr. Lakin asked me to sit at one end of the table, I chose the other in defiance. Papa at my side, holding my hand Mr. Lakin began. All of the paper work had to be filled out by me. Autopsy? NO – I mean after all my moms’ friend Sharon Black- also a PC cop was at the back door of the house when she did it… what was the point, we all knew the truth behind the suicide…. At least the ones she allowed to know. I looked past his huge shoulders into the crack between the swinging doors and I could see her. His words became a dull sound that I could no longer make out as I focused on the space between the doors. I could see her beautiful long blonde hair and the tip of her nose…. I could see the red spot on her forehead that she had gotten in a motorcycle accident from when she was 16. After I filled out all the information, signed for no funeral, wrote a check for the amount of the cremation and made plans to come back to pick her up I was handed an envelope. Her blongings, what she was wearing when she was picked up. Amnithest necklace, tarnished from wear – a tiny emerald earing she wore on just one side in the only second hole she was brave enough to pierce and a tube of her favorite chapstick… Chap-Et- the blue kind that smells like medicine.

After a bear hug and a slight tear, Mr. Lakin went to escort us out. “no, I want to say goodbye to her sir” to which he replied very stern “Honey, I don’t think you want this to be the last memory you have of your mom”…. But it was……….. because I’d buried so many friends already through high school, car wrecks, suicides, illnesses that I was not leaving until I said goodbye to my mother, my best friend.

I didn’t wait for his answer, I simply pushed past him into the morgue, and there she was. Lifeless in a black body bag unzipped down just above her chest. Her golden hair even more light against the dark plastic bag and her snow white skin so milky and for once healthy looking. The blood hadn’t been flowing through her veins for hours but she was still beautiful. Her eyes were open, eyes like no other. Blue as the most beautiful sky with a glorious and powerful soul to match hiding just behind them. she had a smile on her face- a faint smile, it made me smile. She was no longer in pain………..she didn’t even bleed- not one drop. Sharon and I think she was dead before the bullet entered her chest. I brushed my fingers through her hair one last time, closed each eye with my own finger to be sure she couldn’t see the pain in my face just incase part of her was still there, lingering to make sure I did my job right. I leaned forward, a tear from my face falling to hers and kissed her lifeless cheek. It wasn’t totally hard yet, just cool to the touch… lifeless and solid.

To be continued…………

Dark Days of Summer: Part 2

After speaking to my dad yesterday i realized............ it's been six years since she died. Apparently i've been stuck in this cave longer than I thought because somehow, I lost an entire year. I CAN do math, i promise, maybe it's because i dont remember the entire first year after the loss. In any case, imagine my surprise and the pain when I ran into that brick wall yesterday.

Continued............
After hearing her read her note, over and over again in my head the cold earth beneth me began to grow colder and wetter. Her voice was finally gone and all i could hear were the drops again, the tear drops falling to the wet ground beneith me. I felt something suddenly in the palm of my hand, it was small and hard, mis shapen and cold, just like everything else around me. I tried with all my mite to see this thing, but couldn't make out what it was or how it got into my hand. It wasn't a rock, it appeared to be metal, solid metal. In my other hand appeared another metal piece, it was easier to make out. It was longer, hollow in the middle, cold metal with a ridge at the end of it. REalizing with a sickness in my stomach, exactly what it was- a shell casing, oddly the piece in my other hand fit in it perfectly. It was the slug, the one that took her life.

I sat there in the dark, now freezing and scared. no longer crying but starting to understand my surroundings. I realized she had given them to me. The bullet, and the casing, and the note... though hard to read, and rarly remembered were all here for a reason. No longer had the last tear dried from my face than i started to feel a warm breeze, a sweet smell of honey suckle and a flicker of light. I slowly stand up, weak from the emotional drain of the experiance and suffering. HOlding myself against the wet cool wall of the cave I wonder towards the light in awe, still clutching the metal pieces in each hand. As I grow closer and closer, the breeze warms my cold fridged skin and the smell becomes more and more inviting. I can see the blue of the sky now, and I know that i'm almost out of the cave until i come to realize that I must climb to get out. The sky is above me, the sun barley able to reach my pale cold skin. Looking now at the two pieces i've cluched in my hands i realize I have to leave them behind in order to climb out. I know she gave them to me for a reason, as a reminder - but holding onto them will only keep me here, in this cold dark place where I dont belong even longer and i know where she wants me to be. I kiss the cold metal pieces and place them on the ground, around it I draw a heart and like magic they dissapear into the ground, the heart begins to light up, showing me roots on the climb up that i'm able to grasp as i climb. REaching for the first one I could feel a sort of magic around me, helping me find more and more places to grasp, more and more energy I'd not had in me moments before in order to get me to the top. Mud and rocks falling in my face and my hands bleeding from the pain of the climb I continue this for what seems like hours. My fingernails hurt, but the closer i get to the top, the stronger i feel and the better the sun feels on my skin. I rise out of the opening, and standing there is my daughter, surrounded by every friend i've ever had in my life. All of the people who i love and love me so dearly- even ones i've not met face to face. Each of these people have pushed me, pulled me or given me pep talks along the way to help me climb out of this hole and continue with the life i was meant to lead. each of them smiling- each of them giving me strength to continue and every second I realize they were sent to me by her.... even before she died. The entire clearning is surrounded by people, honey suckles and sun.

It's like heaven.... to me... I pick up my daughter, her grasp tight around my neck as she tells me 'I love you mommy, i can't wait to be a mommy just like you'. Life is good, the climb has been painful and what i'm leaving behind is and always will be with me, but nothing compared to the beauty that surrounds me in this lifetime!

Thank you- all of you, for your encouraging words, your laughter on rainy days, your jokes when i need a smile, your hug when the crying hurts so badly that i can't breath, the words of wisdom because you've been there, the empathy because you've not, the kindness you've shared, the pain you have healed and the time you have spent in my life.

Peace and Love to you all- ALL of you! I am lucky to have each of you in my life.


Tomorrows post will be a full account of her death. The day she died, the day before she died, the last words we spoke and a full account of my memory. It will be in tragic detail and I ask that if you do not want to know what i saw, felt and delt with taht you simply skip it. It is, however something i have to put on paper before i continue my book, and for you to fully understand ME as a person and how far i've come since her death. Much love to you all. Bambi

Dark Days Of Summer

I’m not going to pretend anymore this week. I don’t have anything uplifting to say to you that will make the world feel like an easier place to love, or an explaination of why I think things happen because frankly I have no idea.
I don’t like to dwell on the past, it just seems there are a few dates in the matter of a year that sneak up on me, and once they get close I can feel them breathing down my neck with a ridgid force of darkness. There isn’t much I can do really, not to avoid this date.

Five years it will be, July 17, 2003 at 1:10pm when my mom took her life, to ‘save’ us from watching her die in the hospital. I’ve grown a lot in five years. Learned a lot about humanity in general, learned to love myself for who I am and not what I see others think of me, or tell me I am. I’ve raised a child as a single mother and watched her single father do the same from a distance. She’s the light at the end of the dark hallway when it feels like you can’t run fast enough to get away from whatever it is that follows you, once you reach her, she takes it all away and causes nothing but peace.

Jaida will be with her dad for the next several days, taking my light, leaving me here alone in this cave of darkness wondering around clueless trying to figure out when, just WHEN this emotion will stop and go away or at least subside!
I cut all my hair off the other day. I feel like a pixie and I like it. I see the reaction in others eyes, the lie when they say it’s ok, or they think it’s cute. It makes me smile inside because just then, as the glimmer of a lie flickers from their eyes and glances another direction I feel her hand on my shoulder laughing with me, telling me that I am still me, no matter what I do to my hair (of course she would have hated it to be honest… “what about your long soft angelic hair” she’d say) to which has been gone so long now I hardly remember or care what I looked like with such beautiful locks.
 

I keep taking pictures, trying to prove that what I see in the mirror isn’t really as dark as it is when I see it. So I snap – I look, waiting for the right picture to show you guys that shows my hair how I love it so much right now. Nothing, the dark is still here……… hovering in my eyes, tears balled up behind them and a clinch in my throat seemingly permanent. Anyways, here is my hair cut.


I can’t help but look so hard, trying to find the light I know is there, the light I’ve worked on for so many years to know that it is myself I love, and all else follows but it’s not there today, it hasn’t been there but will return in a matter of a week.
I know some of my readers have lost a parent. One of you (cp) seem to have the same painful anniversaries as I do with our moms, and Suzy and her dad- she just has a funnier way of speaking of him. She is after all a comedian though, she gets paid for that shit.  right Suzy?? 

So here it is, what it feels like to me – when the anniversary of the day she died approaches:
I’m standing in a dark place, unable to see anything around me, unaware of where I really am or if this is only a dream. I bend down slowly to feel the hard cold earth beneath my feet. I begin to crawl with my hands outstretched in every direction, reaching for something… anything to grasp that will tell me where I am, show me that I’m ok and in a familiar place. I hear echos in the distance, drops of water? The whistling of the wind? I still look so hard and see nothing but pitch black. Finally my finger tips pass something, drawing my entire body in that direction. I put both hands out to feel the object in front of me, it is but a wall, wet, cold muddy wall, the same as the ground I had just lifted myself from. I begin to follow the wall, as if a blind person would with no guidance but their hands. I realize where I am now. it’s a cave. The deepest, darkest, coldest cave I have ever experienced. I begin to cry, feeling lost and totally alone. I don’t know which direction to go, because I simply cannot see anything. I don’t know what to feel except utter panic and my breath begins to shorten and my chest grows tight until my legs get weak and I sit down to collect my thoughts.

I’ve lost something, I don’t know where I am, what I’m doing and I don’t have the energy to go any further from here. Then I hear voices. Not just echos of water dropping to the muddy earth but to my left I hear voices. I sit quietly trying to understand what they are saying, I begin to crawl slowly in the direction of the sounds with one arm in front of me, to keep me from hitting anymore walls. I can hear the voices getting closer, yet I still cannot see. I am beginning to make out what they are saying, it is not many voices, just one……… one every familiar voice. I realized suddenly where I am. Who that was. What she was saying and it made no sense. “please take care of the animals” she muttered.
I sat back against the cold wet wall of the cave and held my head between my legs, tears streaming from my face. I knew where I was…. Again, every year I hear the same thing….. and so I sit, crying, listening to her read the note she left me
“Please take care of the animals. Bambi, I’m so sorry for this pain- but baby were not the nuts, just care takers! Suckers with lots of pitty for the pitiful. You stay strong girl! (detail left out for personal reasons) It is time for me to go, be free. PS- Do not kill yourself for others hurting your heart so bad”
The last words she whispers to me as the voice begins to fade away again ‘The value of time…. How true’
My breath falls to short quick pants and my eyes grow heavy, the tears falling now so fast they have literally become a stream and I realize the drops I’d been hearing were not water falling from the cave walls at all, but my own tears in echo that even I never saw coming. The day is here again, and in this cave I will stay. Feel safe, cry where nobody can see me, write when nobody can bother me, yell because sometimes it’s frustrating to have your only mother and best friend gone for the rest of your life, only visiting you in a silent dream when she feels it necessary. I lay down in on the hard cold earth, still unable to see anything and settle into the darkness that has taken over my eyes. I close them softly as my tears carress me to sleep…….
To Be Continued….