A Memory Lost in Time

Occasionally out of the blue, a song will come on the radio, or shuffle on your iPod that seemingly catches you off track. It immediately puts a smile on your face, takes you back 15 years in an instant. To a place you knew and still know as one of the happiest times of your life. You close your eyes for a moment, standing face to the sun and let the memory sweep you off your feet, back in time, to that very moment.


I sit here, eyes closed and I can smell sandalwood incense mixed with the rush of ‘Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door’ Perfume. The beat starts slow…. “la la la la, la……” just acoustic Guitar and the soft sweet voice of Cat Stevens breaks in….. “Now that I’ve lost everything to you, you say you want to start something new……….” I hear her voice chime in as she enters from the other room in my minds’ eye I see it as if it were right now, feel the positive happy energy of a home created with love and smiles, happiness and a lot of sweat and tears.



She’s standing in the kitchen, the sunlight bouncing off of her bright blonde hair as if she were coming out of the sun itself. “Ohhh baby baby it’s a wild world” she grabs my hand and twirls me around “it’s hard to get by, just upon a smile”. Her eyes so bright when she looks at me I can’t help but laugh and then twirl her as she did me. As we dance, there in the spring afternoon… the windows open letting in the cool crisp air, it swirls in with the scent of her perfume and incense making a permanent mark in my heart, my mind and most importantly my soul.



“You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do”, she sings softly holding her hand across her heart with a look of intensity in her eyes. She always sang this song to me it wasn’t just a song for us, it was her message… through the art of a man so many didn’t understand directly to me, yet I wouldn’t realize that until she was gone…. “and it’s breaking my heart in two, cause I never want to see you sad girl…. Don’t be a bad girl!”…. “If you wanna leave take good care, hope you make a lot of nice friends out there, just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware!.... ooh baby baby it’s a wild world……it’s hard to get by just upon a smile. Oh baby baby it’s a wild world and I’ll always remember you like a child girl (la la la mixed with piano) BABY I LOVE YOU!” (we would sing as loudly as possible)

By this time we are moving around the room like I used to imagine hippies did at Woodstock, eyes closed holding hands, swaying back and forth singing softly to one another dancing in and out of the smoky rays of sun coming through the windows with the bright spring colors following, as if they had joined our soul dance.



“I’ll always remember you, like a child girl……………. “ the song faded away just as softly as it had begun. Opening my eyes, I realize I’m not there, in that house with my mom, but for a minute I was. A small tear forms in the corner of my eye. Wiping it away and breathing in, sitting up straight in my chair, a tear falls involuntarily before I can catch it with my aged fingers, the fingers that are starting to look like hers, but with finger nails. I smile glancing inconspicuously into the reflection of the picture of her and I, checking to be sure my makeup wasn’t smeared where the small drop of emotion had escaped. It’s all good. I got to be 15 again, even if just for a moment, even if just in a day dream, a memory, She was here with me, memory or not I can still smell her and I can’t help but smile. I hear her in my voice sometimes, I see her reflection as I walk past a mirror. I try to avoid it mostly, it’s the only thing that makes the day bearable sometimes … just knowing that a huge part of me is just like her, it makes it easy not to miss her as much.



There is a little brown eyed girl sitting in school right now, she has her daddy’s eyes and nose, but her mommy’s smile and the same spark that runs in the eye of every woman in our family. It’s a fire. It burns deep, it’s strong. It’s what gets us through the tough days and lights us up on the great ones. It’s the god within us, there passed down from generation to generation to remind us when we do catch that glimpse, that spark, that fire………. To hold our head up, smile and keep on dancing!

Chasing Waterfalls

Things happen to us at the strangest times in our lives. It’s like hiking all the way to the top of the mountain to see the most beautiful waterfall, and when you reach the top, the water is dried up, you cant see the view past the trees and you are left standing there, in the clearing surrounded by trees and a dry river bed. Dissapointed, confused, worn out from the hike and even worse… thirsty as hell and again, no water. It’s this moment when you sit down and look around for the joke…… realizing it’s reality and you have to keep searching for something to make the hike worth while so you sit a little longer. The rain starts, at first it’s a soft warm rain, the kind that makes your hair stand up on your arms in pure joy, then it begins to fall faster, and harder, growing colder and colder until you’re searching for a place to escape. In front of you is the cliff, you know, the one the waterfall is supposed to be running over, behind you a forest with miles to hike back to your own car and nothing but mud to make you slide the entire way down… and of course the bolders you’d land on.

THAT is where I am right now. I’m that person. Huddled under the biggest oak tree I can find trying to stay warm and dry, yet the wind continues to blow. I keep closing my eyes, thinking any minute the sun will come out, the rain will stop and I can go home, safe at peace and warm where I should be, but it seems never ending.
I love life. Even the down falls- always have. Maybe the downfalls aren’t the best when you’re in dead center of them, but when you do finally get out of the cold harsh rain and wind, down the mountain and back safe at home you start to realize how important the things you DO have in life really are. I’ve lost a lot in the past two weeks. Not material, just emotional value. Nothing worth talking about here since it can and will be used against me later so you can just email me or wait for the book to find out. :)

It does make me curious though, how you can go through life trying to do nothing but good. Help whom ever comes along, do all you can and still get kicked in the face when you’re on your knees asking for help. It’s always the ones who kick the hardest that you thought would be there to pick you up but it never turns out that way. It’s the people you never knew would be there when you need it the most.
The rain is literally getting ready to pour here- the sky is black and the coolness of the fall season is pushing through the windows. Tomorrow is the first day of fall- Autumn I should say. The start of yet another chapter in life, time to stand up from under the tree, brush the mud off the best I can and make the long journey back home. I’m sure I’ll stumble on the way down, no doubt we all do. but I had to make this hike to see what it was for myself, instead of listening to what anyone else might have said. We all see things different, accept things in different ways, react differently, care differently, show affection differently… you name it. The one thing we can do, as humans is try to find the good inside- even those who really don’t have any (and yes I’ve seen them first hand as of late). Give people a chance and then move on. Pick up our friends when they are laying face down in the mud instead of walking over them because we don’t want to get our shoes muddy, not even stopping to think of how that person in the mud right now may have been your ‘rock’ when YOU needed them. Sometimes Rocks fall down. They can take a lot of pressure but all rocks will eventually break when they have all the weight on them, and nobody to put the weight ON themselves.

I’m walking away- saying goodbye to the dry river bed, making this long journey back home, to myself to my smile and to my way of life as I knew it, I’ll just be a few friends short, a little less weight for me to carry. I mean really, we have to clean out our closets sometime in life right? Why keep the negative ugly ones that aren’t even comfortable to begin with? That’s why we hand them off to the thrift store, someone else will mistakenly pick them up thinking ‘what a cool shirt’ only to return them just as I am.

To my lovely readers, Happy Monday! I hope you have your rock by your side. Your heart in your hands locked safely unable to be hurt, your head held high and at least one person to remind you who you are if you lost sight of it, even when the entire world feels against you. I hope you can stop your tears long enough to realize the strongest person you know is yourself. Hands down and that even you, that rock, has to give in once in a while and admit that you can’t take on the world forever without a little crack in your surface now and then. You know what, it’s ok though. The sun will always come back out!





Much Love- cheers and oh, boo hoo Cowboys! Hey Romo, pull your head out of your tight little ass please, your gonna give me ulcers.

Just Another Chapter in the day of MY life.

All I can hear is the whoosh of the fan once again. The windows are open to let the coming autumn light in, reminding me that change is just around the corner. This time of year, just before the wind grows too cold to take a walk outside without a jacket, a ride In the car with the windows down and the music at high volume. You can look about the horizon, you can see the orange starting to swallow up the tip of the once vibrant green leaves in an almost stealthy manor. The water is a bit calmer, less traffic and more silence. The wind dances in a different direction, this way, then that, then another direction completely.


I stood in the sun, my long hippy dress softly flowing along with the river, and my feet sliding softly through the moss built up over time on the rivers edge. The sun felt right today, calming and outreaching, soothing and impowering, at least to a soul who needs the empowerment right now.

I find my power in the strangest of places once I let someone suck it from me. Some people go through life, not giving a shit, not letting things affect them, not feeling or seeing with their heart but I’m not that person. I see things different, I feel them like only I know how apparently. I see here…. My dress, flowing, my feet at ease in the calm cool water and a crystal I’m holding dear to bring me back the light that seems to be slipping.


The one ones who can change our lives are us. Sure, we let people in- that is human behavior, if we blocked them all out we would be nothing but alone and lost to figure it out on our own. With help – a nudge, a friend, a picture, a phone call… you can do the most amazing things for someone. Save a life, turn a tear to a smile, get lost in a moment that can cause nothing but peace and serenity. The good ones are sent here to show us the way, to mirror who we are when we’ve lost it and can’t see past the control someone has taken of our soul. The bad ones, the soul takers, are only here to take your light, your spirit and use it to make themselves stronger leaving you weak an in pain, as they travel their disctructive journey through life taking and taking never to give back anything but lies. I’ve spent days looking into the eyes you see here:



What do you see?
 

I see someone full of love, and peace, someone who let another or others take something that they readily took without even a thought of return something i gave of my own free will, yet i still see determination, I see the goal that I will reach no matter how many ups and downs this world may hand to me. I find sadness in these eyes though, sadness only caused by letting people in. Opening my heart and finding good in everyone. Truth is, there isn’t good in everyone, they just hide it fucking well.




Not this girl my friends- you can get me down, but you can’t keep me there! You can dim my light or tell me lies, hide the truth, or pretend you’re someone you’re not but the fact remains, I’m not stupid- as my mom said in her suicide note “just have too much pitty for the pitiful!” I’m ready for the rest of my life- said if for a while now, if you don’t want a part of it, go away… find another light to distinguish with your lies and your fake smiles, your fake life and your bullshit drama. To those who love me for my light, come on back…. All is good and life is grand. Come with me… and hold my hand


It's a damn good day sunshine! Love and Hugs, Bambi