"Drink Coffee- Do stupid things even faster"

What a Holiday! I'm glad to say it is O.V.E.R. yet still basking in the glory of friends and family. It might have been one of the nicest Christmas's I have had in several years. I spent Christmas night alone though- it's always different when you have absolutly nobody to share the actual Holiday with. It is rather sobering in a way. In any case Xmas Eve was wonderful and the following Saturday as well.

It snowed here, i believe it was our first white Christmas in years, typically all WE get is ice. It was a nice change and much welcomed. The silence of the snow still nearly takes my breath away. The smell is alluring in itself though, enough to make me stop in my tracks and breath as deep as i can. I was outside on my deck today, snow still stuck to the ground, just not roads, not that we got much anyways. The sun was in full bloom today and it felt so good. I had to lean against the post, face to the beautiful sun as always and breath in the cold air as deep as i could. Euphoric is really all i can say.

It has definatly been an emotional month, or i should say, few months. Every day i wake up finding just a little more about myself, happy with who i am yet missing something I can't seem to find, not even really sure what it is or if it exists for real it's like searching for the back of your earing, you might as well say fuck it and go buy a new one. So that leaves a gap- I have no money or no clue what to buy... new shoes... that's more like it. Great idea!

So the Cowboys get to go to play offs if they beat the Eagles next week. OF course you know who i'm rooting for, but i wont cry if it's the EAgles that go this year either i Just think my boys deserve the chance more so than a team that picked up a douche bag like Vick. (my opinion, if you beat dogs, you should get beat... simple.. not handed your paycheck back to pay all your millions of dollars in fines) so that is my only beaf with my secondary NFL team. So, in all ... go COWBOYS!


Have you ever watched the flame dance on a candle? sometimes, it stands totally still, not moving in the slightest. You can see the definition. The darker outside of the flame, the bright inner light and the dark wick at the center. Suddenly as if it caught your breath from accross the room, it flicks to the right, then the left and appears to dance for you. It waves softly in each direction, flickers quickly then stands strangly still again. If i had to put my life into an analogy right now, because those closest to me know i'm pretty good with those. THAT would be my life. That beautiful candle just accross the room from me, the blue one. It smells like the Ocean (ok, so not really b/c i dont smell salt water or fish) but it is calming, peaceful and warm. from the outside. Like my life. Of course i'm not sure my life LOOKS very calming at all to many people.. but it is. I think i spend more time focusing on moments in life than most anyone i know, vs the big picture. I'm not sure if losing things over and over again (people, places, things, memories, bullshit in general) makes it more obvious that you should stop and breath in the moment or maybe i should give some credit to the Buddhist religion. in any case, i belive both are responsible.

I see things different these days. the candle isn't just a source of light and warmth, it's deeper. it has that hot solid edge, the one people SEE and dont think about. the external shell of the fires of life if you will. once you get past the blinding 'what appears to be a solid line' of definition around the light, you see the LIGHT it's self. it gets brighter some times, then duller and more orange, then back to vibrant yellow and so on. That's more of me as a woman, just human. soaking in emotion from all directions. Loving so much and so many, cry so hard and missing or losing things (from lives to earing backs)laughing so much i could cry happy tears to crying so hard i have to laugh. the part that matters is the wick though. the part nobody else really sees unless they can look through the flame into the middle- the eye of it- the wick. My soul. It appears dark to the eye, the wick of a candle. because in theory it is, it's just a wick right, you light that ugly dark thing and out of it comes light and warmth. love so to speak. Have you ever just wanted to blow your damn candle out for like a week? LOL I dont mean indefinatly just hit pause. Stop. Hault. Nobody move. I'm gonna lay down and sleep and when i wake up my flame will be brighter, my spirit charged, my wick even stronger and this time i'll be dancing and will never stop! HA I want a vacation.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, HOliday, whatever it was, or wasn't to you. In any case, i hope you spent a few days, weeks or even just hours with friends/family you love and who love you. I hope you were lifted up and your candle flame danced. I hope your smiles came free and the laughter was so intense your cheek bones feel as if they are frozen and cramping. THAT is the best kind of laughter. I hope you were out with your old friends, learning of places they've been, storys they told or faces they've met. Home with your family passing gifts and egg nog along with the newest baby of the family. AT the dinner table with whomever you needed at that moment passing the Lasagna around like it is tradition for xmas dinner :)

We always get what we need, no doubt about that. We dont always get what we want, that's for damn sure. But when exactly do we work hard enough to deserve them both at the same time? I'm ready for my good Karma, any day now Universe... God? Anyone? lay it on me!

Peace to you all, Much love from my little piece of heaven on earth here in the middle of nowhere AR.

Chasing Waterfalls

Things happen to us at the strangest times in our lives. It’s like hiking all the way to the top of the mountain to see the most beautiful waterfall, and when you reach the top, the water is dried up, you cant see the view past the trees and you are left standing there, in the clearing surrounded by trees and a dry river bed. Dissapointed, confused, worn out from the hike and even worse… thirsty as hell and again, no water. It’s this moment when you sit down and look around for the joke…… realizing it’s reality and you have to keep searching for something to make the hike worth while so you sit a little longer. The rain starts, at first it’s a soft warm rain, the kind that makes your hair stand up on your arms in pure joy, then it begins to fall faster, and harder, growing colder and colder until you’re searching for a place to escape. In front of you is the cliff, you know, the one the waterfall is supposed to be running over, behind you a forest with miles to hike back to your own car and nothing but mud to make you slide the entire way down… and of course the bolders you’d land on.

THAT is where I am right now. I’m that person. Huddled under the biggest oak tree I can find trying to stay warm and dry, yet the wind continues to blow. I keep closing my eyes, thinking any minute the sun will come out, the rain will stop and I can go home, safe at peace and warm where I should be, but it seems never ending.
I love life. Even the down falls- always have. Maybe the downfalls aren’t the best when you’re in dead center of them, but when you do finally get out of the cold harsh rain and wind, down the mountain and back safe at home you start to realize how important the things you DO have in life really are. I’ve lost a lot in the past two weeks. Not material, just emotional value. Nothing worth talking about here since it can and will be used against me later so you can just email me or wait for the book to find out. :)

It does make me curious though, how you can go through life trying to do nothing but good. Help whom ever comes along, do all you can and still get kicked in the face when you’re on your knees asking for help. It’s always the ones who kick the hardest that you thought would be there to pick you up but it never turns out that way. It’s the people you never knew would be there when you need it the most.
The rain is literally getting ready to pour here- the sky is black and the coolness of the fall season is pushing through the windows. Tomorrow is the first day of fall- Autumn I should say. The start of yet another chapter in life, time to stand up from under the tree, brush the mud off the best I can and make the long journey back home. I’m sure I’ll stumble on the way down, no doubt we all do. but I had to make this hike to see what it was for myself, instead of listening to what anyone else might have said. We all see things different, accept things in different ways, react differently, care differently, show affection differently… you name it. The one thing we can do, as humans is try to find the good inside- even those who really don’t have any (and yes I’ve seen them first hand as of late). Give people a chance and then move on. Pick up our friends when they are laying face down in the mud instead of walking over them because we don’t want to get our shoes muddy, not even stopping to think of how that person in the mud right now may have been your ‘rock’ when YOU needed them. Sometimes Rocks fall down. They can take a lot of pressure but all rocks will eventually break when they have all the weight on them, and nobody to put the weight ON themselves.

I’m walking away- saying goodbye to the dry river bed, making this long journey back home, to myself to my smile and to my way of life as I knew it, I’ll just be a few friends short, a little less weight for me to carry. I mean really, we have to clean out our closets sometime in life right? Why keep the negative ugly ones that aren’t even comfortable to begin with? That’s why we hand them off to the thrift store, someone else will mistakenly pick them up thinking ‘what a cool shirt’ only to return them just as I am.

To my lovely readers, Happy Monday! I hope you have your rock by your side. Your heart in your hands locked safely unable to be hurt, your head held high and at least one person to remind you who you are if you lost sight of it, even when the entire world feels against you. I hope you can stop your tears long enough to realize the strongest person you know is yourself. Hands down and that even you, that rock, has to give in once in a while and admit that you can’t take on the world forever without a little crack in your surface now and then. You know what, it’s ok though. The sun will always come back out!





Much Love- cheers and oh, boo hoo Cowboys! Hey Romo, pull your head out of your tight little ass please, your gonna give me ulcers.

Longest Month EVER

I'm not sure exactly where to start this post. considering i'm not finishing the very depressing and raw Memoirs until my book is ready- that's all you get for now but i'm sure i could save you the gory details, however draining it was to actually write it, PUBLICALLY, has taken a lot out of me and removed my creative process of thought now for over a month.

It's truly amazing how fast time can go, a week, a month, a year.The changes that happen in the seasons, life and just every second in general. People who leave your life suddenly begin to be missed, some dont miss at all but smile for finally seeing them for who they were and removing yourself from that situation.
Then there are the people gained in your life, the new 'recruits' so to speak, the ones you fill out and tell small things to just to test them and see if they are even worthy of being in your life. Do they bring good things, or negative energy and drama with every tick of the clock? These people in a matter of time begin to show the truth face of who they are- some of them wonderful... amazing true spirits, others the kind of shadows you cross the street to avoid. The most important ones are the people you've had in your life that you've not seen or heard from the ones that when you hit the point i'm at in life now, you stop and realize that no matter what these very few true people will always be who you are a part of you, a part of your character and your every being, action and breath.

I have grown up such an independant person, that I catch myself taken aback as of late. I have spent countless hours in what i can only call a whirlwind of 'mind fuck' trying to put the picture back together. How do you lose yourself, totally in 6 weeks? Why? Can you pin point that one move, the moment when you just shut off? I have been trying, and cannot for the life of me figure it out. I know i've hurt people in the past year, not intentionally- good people, people i love, but people who are better without me, and me without them. People who i love from afar, but together cause such drama and friction it makes my head hurt and my heart race.

My 29th Birthday came and passed. Once again, a total let down that i set myself up for. I havent had a good birthday for over six years, but i've kept the faith up to this point. I officially quit celebrating them- If i am not woken by the Beatles song, and the heart behind the tradition- the only person I had in the world who really knew ME- well then, i'll just stay 29, because really- isn't that the age we are supposed to stay anyways?


I took Jaida to my mom's side family reunion.

It was in Yellowstone National Park. Before I got really sick, in the hospital and cooking brain, I took some pictures and got to see SOME of the park. I met a lot of family i've only heard about from my mom and it was wonderful, the resemblance in our genes is amazing when you see us all together in pictures. It sure is funny though, the characteristic differences in us all. You have the family you've grown up with- the ones you know from once or twice a year visits and that you keep in touch with. My cousin and I have been like sisters since i can remember, she was always who i looked up to growing up. She's still up there with the people i hold high in my book of thoughts. My aunt, the 30 year recovering 'drunk' for lack of better terms, finally shows her true colors and how much better she is than the rest of us, or me i guess. When your mom kills herself it tends to put a taint in the mouth of the siblings left behind, enough for them to blatently tell you to your face 'your dad killed your mom bambi, she would never have done that to herself' and lets not forget making sure to tell me that she never loved him either. boy- some people are just a real kick in the arse.- causing me to laugh at the sheer ignorance of her words as they echo accross the boiling hot tub water into my already weak ears. Again, with the 'finally realizing the truth of people'. Of course my cousins hubby was a good dude as always, he came. She was blessed with a husband with a heart of gold and they created a son with a kiss from heaven on his head.

Little white spot in the front of his soft brown hair- no explaination but a kiss from an angel. He and jaida played so well. I met all my mom's cousins- the ones from California, Washington, Oregon (i am sure i'm forgetting somewhere) My cousin John, his father grew up with my mom- both wonderful loving and generous people. It was truly a blessing to have John there and his dad, i'm not sure if it had been for them and my Uncle Ronnie that I would even have a brain right now- because they took me to the ER (never travel to any place in the middle of BFE if you have even the slighttest illness) Apparently a temp that high for 2 days straight can cause serious damage- Thank you for technically saving my life- and my aunt, Katina, who drove through the night FIVE hours to keep me from anymore emotional dramatic bullshit- I can't wait to spend more time with them! All in all- it was the first family reunion in years, the first one without my mom, the first one with my own daughter and the first one where i felt like i really did have a family- even if not close- i had them, they were here... i could see her in all of them and that alone made me feel happy.

Oh did i mention i almost lost my dog in the middle of it all? Yeah, Paxton the 11 year old Schnauzer- he's good now, fine, happy again, just ugly with scars but he's still here- ass loads of money later... here he is......... still the most loyal person in my life!

I can't promise my writing will be back to frequent, as life is tossing me curve balls and people, i've never played baseball in my life! Everyday is like stepping up to the plate with a different person throwing hard shit at my face, for me to swing, miss and then do all over again. It's only a matter of time before i make contact and crack the fucking ball out of the park, i guess only time will tell and practice makes perfect? At least practice makes us stronger no matter what the case. I'm just happy football season is here- the one night a week, when I can and will, sit down (ok if i have the channel) and get to watch my COWBOYS as the leaves change colors, the breeze grows colder, the days grow shorter and the darkness of winter begins to loom around us. Football season- It is MY Adrenaline rush for days when the sun isn't shining.

No matter the weather, the mood or the issues. I sure hope your life is drama free, if its not- look around you... where does all the bullshit come from? Kindly let them go about their own way. I've realized one thing for sure in this little adventure of August- I will NOT waste another day on an energy draining, negative, bitchy, snooty or backstabbing person. Frankly DAHLING- I dont give a damn! Life is too damn short to deal with that- I've had enough of it in a month to last me a lifetime, which wont be an issue, since i've officially stopped aging. Much love to you all- peace in all the right places, smiles at all the right times. Cheers

I leave you with a little close up of my kind of sunshine:

I Get By With a Little Help...........

From MY FRIENDS:

Now that I have that beautiful song stuck on replay in your head,I'd like to apologize for leaving you hanging the past two days. The 'Tick' bite left me rather emotionally drained of any creative thoughts for writing or even witty come backs to defend myself. After my two days in my 'shell' I've emerged with a bit of help from the sun (i love laying out on lunch breaks) and of course a few good friends who stand behind me and cheer me on, then remind me of stories like this:

As you know, Jenni moved to Eureka with me. It's fitting really, her pink hair doesn't stand out as much here. In fact, she hardly gets a second look in the way of weird... as compared to the generic come and go of the office life. The kiddo and I were at her apartment the other day. Jaida has found a few new friends, and loves to hang out with them. It's nice, since the streets are so close together, the kids can be watching tv in the living room or playing in the yard and they are only 10 feet away max, no matter where they are. While the kids were off playing swords in the back yard, Jenni and I sat in the front conversing with her neighbors. One of them, whom is her landlords son. After a brief discussion about reality tv shows (no offense to those who watch them.... Hells Kitchen makes me hungry and want to crawl in the corner and cry when he yells- Bachelor/Bachelorette: make me wonder what the HELL is wrong with them for thinking they actually might find love on TV of all places- Survivor was good- the first two seasons, it's pretty much a reply of the same cat fights and man power on every episode so i find it dull and meaningless) But as the two of us sat outside the the beautiful crisp afternoon, I heard something that shouldn't have been funny at all. But It was .... and I can't stop thinking about it.

The landlords son, we shall call him 'J' for this story, is a bit of an odd person. He's not tall, but gangly as if he stood near 7 feet tall. His hair is a natural blonde, almost transparent and not long in the sexy Johnny Depp way, but long in the way that it is beginning to look somewhat like a helmet from Star Wars. He has a very large gap between his front teeth (hey, i'm not knockin this... i had the same problem until i was about 17) but it's almost as if he could whistle through it if he tried (who knows, maybe he can) He wears very thick eye glasses with a thin wire frame, which over all his appearance makes him 'look' like the unibomber (minus the beard) which is sort of creepy in a way, considering his knowledge of bombs (from what we hear... it could be hear say, who knows.... in any case, we'll be sure to stay on his good side) To give you an idea of the kind of person he appears to be, seemingly creepy yet kind hearted.. when Jenni found a black widow spider behind her couch, he captured it for her.......... then turned it lose in the woods!!!! See, it's kind of a mix of kind hearted vs. a little tooooooo much.

I digress- As we sat out on the concrete steps listening to the kids play, there was a handful of people around. One of them being "J". after the conversation about TV and Relity Shows, he made sure to let us know he had a reality show of his own in mind, that would of course, catch the audience's attention. "Who Wants To Win A Kidney!" NOW, before you start sending me hate mail because your aunt is on a waiting list, hear me out. As always, i'm not here to piss anyone off, or hurt anyones feelings, this is my blog, my diary, even if it is public and i feed off the comments i get from you guys- so feel free to cut lose if you must ............but think about it.

In a world like ours, when a car wreck becomes something of a tourist site on the interstate when you pass, we live for shows where the models starve themselves and pass out on camera while getting yelled at by Tyra (poor girls! I did love the one episode i watched of it) The heavier people are forced to sweat to the oldies next too two very young, very in shape and attractive people only to stand in front of the cameras and cry because they were 'kicked off' for only losing 2 pounds (i'm sorry, but I watched it... .I cried both times... i'm done with it) and people like me find themselves reading for hours on http://www.findadeath.com/ well, frankly this idea isn't totally out of line.

I mean really. We do weird things to be on tv... Americans I mean... we even go so far as to totally humiliate ourselves on camera 'attempting' to sing the star spangled banner, only hoping we were worse then the next person so we can be put down by Simon Cowel on national television. So when you stop to think about 6 people competing for a Kidney- well it's really not so bad after all is it? Not really, I would give a kidney and i would be willing to bet the losers would walk away with some kind of consolation prize. "We're sorry you didn't win the kidney Mr. Jones, but instead, you walk AWAY WITH.................... A BRAND NEW ESCALADE" I mean seriously? Are you going to be pissed about losing the kidney? NO, you're gonna stroll away in your pimped out caddy and know that your family will love you for who you are and what you won for them!

Back to realty: Life is KIND of like the Reality TV shows.... we have lots of heartache, we cry when someone chooses us over someone else in a relationship, we feel let down when our diet goals aren't met, of course we all want to be the 'Top Model', or not get voted off survivor for being a cut throat douche bag. The sad reality of LIFE IS.... no camera, no editing of scenes, no airbrush, nobody to make us work out to the oldies, nobody to blame but ourselves.

I couldn't ask for a better day my friends. Sun is shining, not ONE cloud in the sky and the breeze still has a bit of 'slight' chill to it. Summer is just around the corner and I know I couldn't be happier about it. The past two days have left me in somewhat of an emotional cave, I can't keep my head from spinning and my brain from over thinking, so please forgive me if you were offended by todays' post. I had to let the sadistic smart ass side of myself shine just once..... and maybe she's here to stay? In any case, I'm smiling again, refuse to let one little tick bite wear me down when there is so much to be done and said. I hope you're all out enjoying this day.... and looking forward to the long wonderful Holiday Weekend that lays ahead. Cheers!

Wednesday's Wonderments!

Here he is, the new addition to our family in all of his beautiful glory= Keane. He is a year old Male that we adopted from the Humane Society Yesterday. YES, I have allergies towards cats, quite severe truth be told, but only if i get hair in my face........soooo i'll just be petting him outside. I have a soft heart when it comes to animals and I fell in love with this little guy months ago. We had gone to the shelter, mainly to look around and I ended up petting him for about 20 minutes. I dont typically care for cats, they tend to be moody, hateful and a bit spiteful.

This one is not like any cat i've ever been around. I think he's been in the 'cage' at the HS since he was tiny, so any amount of attention you give him is more than appreciated. My daughter loves him and now has a sidekick everywhere she goes. He is a joy, and at least he's not a 50pound puppy that will knock Jaida over every day causing blood.

I promised pictured of the weekend, and i uploaded them today... so here we are... Friday night:

Me, Jenni, Latigo

Jesus: He was our Bartender that night

And then... Jesus became a Photographer for us

Then, there is this picture............ (awkward silence)......................I mean, he licked my face up there in the picture, so i smashed my face on his cheeck and licked him. YES i was wasted, and YES, he is more than pleased about it............ can't you tell. Anyways, it's typical internet courtisy to not post pictures this BAD of your friends or anyone else but since it's ME, i can't post it on MY blog and frankly, if this picture doesn't make you laugh, AND cringe just a little bit........ well, you need to go to bed and start all over again! I digress... on with the pictures:

Latigo, Jeffrey, Jenni and Jake

Jenni GOT BACK.... and Latty? He likes it!!!

Yeah, then all of a sudden Jenni gets angry, starts beating me up! WTF??? :) We were really drunk by now FYI... and having so much fun meeting new people, chatting it up with strangers and taking shots (oh, yeah... that is why i felt horrible Saturday AM) So we headed off from the Squid and Whale down to the Tiki Torch.

AT this place, they play the more 'hip hop dance' music, and we were all having a great time. I had rather tall heels on and before I was smart enough to remove them, i tripped, and landed face first into some strange man's frontal area of his jeans. (YUCK) His girlfriend appeared pissed, but being it was maybe one of the most embarrassing times, and i was JUST drunk enough to pull it off, i just stood up and kept dancing. I think i had denim burn on my nose the next day. The following pictures are outside of the Tiki, shortly after I decided to Spike my hair and sit on the rock.......... Enjoy:

OH WAIT "Says Jeffrey" Dont forget to come back tomorrow to see the pictures of Saturday Night!!!!

I hope you all enjoyed the humiliating pictures...... it's my goal in life to make everyone around me smile or laugh, even if i have to throw myself down the stairs. :) Much love to you all. Peace!