Monday, September 21, 2009
Things happen to us at the strangest times in our lives. It’s like hiking all the way to the top of the mountain to see the most beautiful waterfall, and when you reach the top, the water is dried up, you cant see the view past the trees and you are left standing there, in the clearing surrounded by trees and a dry river bed. Dissapointed, confused, worn out from the hike and even worse… thirsty as hell and again, no water. It’s this moment when you sit down and look around for the joke…… realizing it’s reality and you have to keep searching for something to make the hike worth while so you sit a little longer. The rain starts, at first it’s a soft warm rain, the kind that makes your hair stand up on your arms in pure joy, then it begins to fall faster, and harder, growing colder and colder until you’re searching for a place to escape. In front of you is the cliff, you know, the one the waterfall is supposed to be running over, behind you a forest with miles to hike back to your own car and nothing but mud to make you slide the entire way down… and of course the bolders you’d land on.
THAT is where I am right now. I’m that person. Huddled under the biggest oak tree I can find trying to stay warm and dry, yet the wind continues to blow. I keep closing my eyes, thinking any minute the sun will come out, the rain will stop and I can go home, safe at peace and warm where I should be, but it seems never ending.
I love life. Even the down falls- always have. Maybe the downfalls aren’t the best when you’re in dead center of them, but when you do finally get out of the cold harsh rain and wind, down the mountain and back safe at home you start to realize how important the things you DO have in life really are. I’ve lost a lot in the past two weeks. Not material, just emotional value. Nothing worth talking about here since it can and will be used against me later so you can just email me or wait for the book to find out. :)
It does make me curious though, how you can go through life trying to do nothing but good. Help whom ever comes along, do all you can and still get kicked in the face when you’re on your knees asking for help. It’s always the ones who kick the hardest that you thought would be there to pick you up but it never turns out that way. It’s the people you never knew would be there when you need it the most.
The rain is literally getting ready to pour here- the sky is black and the coolness of the fall season is pushing through the windows. Tomorrow is the first day of fall- Autumn I should say. The start of yet another chapter in life, time to stand up from under the tree, brush the mud off the best I can and make the long journey back home. I’m sure I’ll stumble on the way down, no doubt we all do. but I had to make this hike to see what it was for myself, instead of listening to what anyone else might have said. We all see things different, accept things in different ways, react differently, care differently, show affection differently… you name it. The one thing we can do, as humans is try to find the good inside- even those who really don’t have any (and yes I’ve seen them first hand as of late). Give people a chance and then move on. Pick up our friends when they are laying face down in the mud instead of walking over them because we don’t want to get our shoes muddy, not even stopping to think of how that person in the mud right now may have been your ‘rock’ when YOU needed them. Sometimes Rocks fall down. They can take a lot of pressure but all rocks will eventually break when they have all the weight on them, and nobody to put the weight ON themselves.
I’m walking away- saying goodbye to the dry river bed, making this long journey back home, to myself to my smile and to my way of life as I knew it, I’ll just be a few friends short, a little less weight for me to carry. I mean really, we have to clean out our closets sometime in life right? Why keep the negative ugly ones that aren’t even comfortable to begin with? That’s why we hand them off to the thrift store, someone else will mistakenly pick them up thinking ‘what a cool shirt’ only to return them just as I am.
To my lovely readers, Happy Monday! I hope you have your rock by your side. Your heart in your hands locked safely unable to be hurt, your head held high and at least one person to remind you who you are if you lost sight of it, even when the entire world feels against you. I hope you can stop your tears long enough to realize the strongest person you know is yourself. Hands down and that even you, that rock, has to give in once in a while and admit that you can’t take on the world forever without a little crack in your surface now and then. You know what, it’s ok though. The sun will always come back out!
Much Love- cheers and oh, boo hoo Cowboys! Hey Romo, pull your head out of your tight little ass please, your gonna give me ulcers.
Monday, September 7, 2009
All I can hear is the whoosh of the fan once again. The windows are open to let the coming autumn light in, reminding me that change is just around the corner. This time of year, just before the wind grows too cold to take a walk outside without a jacket, a ride In the car with the windows down and the music at high volume. You can look about the horizon, you can see the orange starting to swallow up the tip of the once vibrant green leaves in an almost stealthy manor. The water is a bit calmer, less traffic and more silence. The wind dances in a different direction, this way, then that, then another direction completely.
I stood in the sun, my long hippy dress softly flowing along with the river, and my feet sliding softly through the moss built up over time on the rivers edge. The sun felt right today, calming and outreaching, soothing and impowering, at least to a soul who needs the empowerment right now.
I find my power in the strangest of places once I let someone suck it from me. Some people go through life, not giving a shit, not letting things affect them, not feeling or seeing with their heart but I’m not that person. I see things different, I feel them like only I know how apparently. I see here…. My dress, flowing, my feet at ease in the calm cool water and a crystal I’m holding dear to bring me back the light that seems to be slipping.
The one ones who can change our lives are us. Sure, we let people in- that is human behavior, if we blocked them all out we would be nothing but alone and lost to figure it out on our own. With help – a nudge, a friend, a picture, a phone call… you can do the most amazing things for someone. Save a life, turn a tear to a smile, get lost in a moment that can cause nothing but peace and serenity. The good ones are sent here to show us the way, to mirror who we are when we’ve lost it and can’t see past the control someone has taken of our soul. The bad ones, the soul takers, are only here to take your light, your spirit and use it to make themselves stronger leaving you weak an in pain, as they travel their disctructive journey through life taking and taking never to give back anything but lies. I’ve spent days looking into the eyes you see here:
What do you see?
I see someone full of love, and peace, someone who let another or others take something that they readily took without even a thought of return something i gave of my own free will, yet i still see determination, I see the goal that I will reach no matter how many ups and downs this world may hand to me. I find sadness in these eyes though, sadness only caused by letting people in. Opening my heart and finding good in everyone. Truth is, there isn’t good in everyone, they just hide it fucking well.
Not this girl my friends- you can get me down, but you can’t keep me there! You can dim my light or tell me lies, hide the truth, or pretend you’re someone you’re not but the fact remains, I’m not stupid- as my mom said in her suicide note “just have too much pitty for the pitiful!” I’m ready for the rest of my life- said if for a while now, if you don’t want a part of it, go away… find another light to distinguish with your lies and your fake smiles, your fake life and your bullshit drama. To those who love me for my light, come on back…. All is good and life is grand. Come with me… and hold my hand
It's a damn good day sunshine! Love and Hugs, Bambi
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I'm not sure exactly where to start this post. considering i'm not finishing the very depressing and raw Memoirs until my book is ready- that's all you get for now but i'm sure i could save you the gory details, however draining it was to actually write it, PUBLICALLY, has taken a lot out of me and removed my creative process of thought now for over a month.
It's truly amazing how fast time can go, a week, a month, a year.The changes that happen in the seasons, life and just every second in general. People who leave your life suddenly begin to be missed, some dont miss at all but smile for finally seeing them for who they were and removing yourself from that situation.
Then there are the people gained in your life, the new 'recruits' so to speak, the ones you fill out and tell small things to just to test them and see if they are even worthy of being in your life. Do they bring good things, or negative energy and drama with every tick of the clock? These people in a matter of time begin to show the truth face of who they are- some of them wonderful... amazing true spirits, others the kind of shadows you cross the street to avoid. The most important ones are the people you've had in your life that you've not seen or heard from the ones that when you hit the point i'm at in life now, you stop and realize that no matter what these very few true people will always be who you are a part of you, a part of your character and your every being, action and breath.
I have grown up such an independant person, that I catch myself taken aback as of late. I have spent countless hours in what i can only call a whirlwind of 'mind fuck' trying to put the picture back together. How do you lose yourself, totally in 6 weeks? Why? Can you pin point that one move, the moment when you just shut off? I have been trying, and cannot for the life of me figure it out. I know i've hurt people in the past year, not intentionally- good people, people i love, but people who are better without me, and me without them. People who i love from afar, but together cause such drama and friction it makes my head hurt and my heart race.
My 29th Birthday came and passed. Once again, a total let down that i set myself up for. I havent had a good birthday for over six years, but i've kept the faith up to this point. I officially quit celebrating them- If i am not woken by the Beatles song, and the heart behind the tradition- the only person I had in the world who really knew ME- well then, i'll just stay 29, because really- isn't that the age we are supposed to stay anyways?
I took Jaida to my mom's side family reunion.
It was in Yellowstone National Park. Before I got really sick, in the hospital and cooking brain, I took some pictures and got to see SOME of the park. I met a lot of family i've only heard about from my mom and it was wonderful, the resemblance in our genes is amazing when you see us all together in pictures. It sure is funny though, the characteristic differences in us all. You have the family you've grown up with- the ones you know from once or twice a year visits and that you keep in touch with. My cousin and I have been like sisters since i can remember, she was always who i looked up to growing up. She's still up there with the people i hold high in my book of thoughts. My aunt, the 30 year recovering 'drunk' for lack of better terms, finally shows her true colors and how much better she is than the rest of us, or me i guess. When your mom kills herself it tends to put a taint in the mouth of the siblings left behind, enough for them to blatently tell you to your face 'your dad killed your mom bambi, she would never have done that to herself' and lets not forget making sure to tell me that she never loved him either. boy- some people are just a real kick in the arse.- causing me to laugh at the sheer ignorance of her words as they echo accross the boiling hot tub water into my already weak ears. Again, with the 'finally realizing the truth of people'. Of course my cousins hubby was a good dude as always, he came. She was blessed with a husband with a heart of gold and they created a son with a kiss from heaven on his head.
Little white spot in the front of his soft brown hair- no explaination but a kiss from an angel. He and jaida played so well. I met all my mom's cousins- the ones from California, Washington, Oregon (i am sure i'm forgetting somewhere) My cousin John, his father grew up with my mom- both wonderful loving and generous people. It was truly a blessing to have John there and his dad, i'm not sure if it had been for them and my Uncle Ronnie that I would even have a brain right now- because they took me to the ER (never travel to any place in the middle of BFE if you have even the slighttest illness) Apparently a temp that high for 2 days straight can cause serious damage- Thank you for technically saving my life- and my aunt, Katina, who drove through the night FIVE hours to keep me from anymore emotional dramatic bullshit- I can't wait to spend more time with them! All in all- it was the first family reunion in years, the first one without my mom, the first one with my own daughter and the first one where i felt like i really did have a family- even if not close- i had them, they were here... i could see her in all of them and that alone made me feel happy.
Oh did i mention i almost lost my dog in the middle of it all? Yeah, Paxton the 11 year old Schnauzer- he's good now, fine, happy again, just ugly with scars but he's still here- ass loads of money later... here he is......... still the most loyal person in my life!
I can't promise my writing will be back to frequent, as life is tossing me curve balls and people, i've never played baseball in my life! Everyday is like stepping up to the plate with a different person throwing hard shit at my face, for me to swing, miss and then do all over again. It's only a matter of time before i make contact and crack the fucking ball out of the park, i guess only time will tell and practice makes perfect? At least practice makes us stronger no matter what the case. I'm just happy football season is here- the one night a week, when I can and will, sit down (ok if i have the channel) and get to watch my COWBOYS as the leaves change colors, the breeze grows colder, the days grow shorter and the darkness of winter begins to loom around us. Football season- It is MY Adrenaline rush for days when the sun isn't shining.
No matter the weather, the mood or the issues. I sure hope your life is drama free, if its not- look around you... where does all the bullshit come from? Kindly let them go about their own way. I've realized one thing for sure in this little adventure of August- I will NOT waste another day on an energy draining, negative, bitchy, snooty or backstabbing person. Frankly DAHLING- I dont give a damn! Life is too damn short to deal with that- I've had enough of it in a month to last me a lifetime, which wont be an issue, since i've officially stopped aging. Much love to you all- peace in all the right places, smiles at all the right times. Cheers
I leave you with a little close up of my kind of sunshine: