Sunday, June 21, 2009

Fantastic Fathers and Fortunate People

Since Mothers Day is still a hard day to swallow, even after of these years... Fathers Day is really a day of true appreciation in my life. I am surrounded by so many wonderful people in my life that it is days like today when you stop to look around at not only your father, or step father, but the fathers in your life who have raised, are raising or someday will be fabulous fathers.

Obviously Papa wins award number one. Without him in my life since I was my daughters age, I wouldn't have the respect I do for hard working men/veterans of war/or true undying love.

I watched Papa as I grew up, treat my mother like the queen. My mom was never that woman who needed much in the way of pampering but it didn't really matter, because papa went out of his way to take care of her. I think it laid a lot of ground work in my soul when it comes to seeing love in a couples eyes and nothing makes me happier than to see two people happy... genuinely happy. I am more thankful for him than he might ever know, though i try to tell him and show him as often as possible. Afterall, when my battery died the other day, leaving me stranded here on this beautiful mountain my otherwise busted bubble... it was he who drove an hour, bought me a battery and put the new one in. I love you papa.

To my biological father- who by all accounts was never truly raised with a lot of love, from what I can tell.. he sure does TRY hard to figure out how to love me. He didn't raise me, but he helped my step mom raise my beautiful sisters (gorgeous twins!!) and honestly they are amazing and even if he doesn't think so, he had a little hand in how they turned out. I dont have the closest relationship with him, and for so many reasons not even worth mentioning, no matter how much emotional pain i've been caused through words... and only words... the most painful kind of hurt you can inflict on someone you love... it doesn't change the fact that he is my father and i love him with all my heart.

It's not often that a girl gets not one, but two dads. Bikers at that and both with big hearts and two totally different persona lites. I am lucky in every single way, shape and form to have them both in my life and without a mother, it makes it even THAT much more important to be sure they know they are loved.

Marriage doesn't always work out. When you're young you think what you have will last forever, and just as quickly as people fall in love, they can fall out of love too. The fact is, we are ever changing, no matter how old we get (inside and out- IF you let your soul age lol) and people grow in different directions. Obviously not many divorces often end in happy friendships, but when you share a child together it is very important to communicate, at least once in a while even if only about your child- if you dont, you end up missing things while they grow up when they're on weekend with the other parent and no matter who comes into your life, people should understand that bond. Sure, Jaida's father and I have had a few rough times, but to be straight honest with you I couldn't be more thankful for him to be the father of my wonderful baby girl.

I think it takes a special man to be a good father. One of those sayings that really hits home is 'any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy' and Adam is by every account in the book, a wonderful daddy to our child. I see her brown eyes and they glisten with the up most joy and happiness and it's not just because I'm a good mother, it's because she has two good parents and she too will someday look back and be very happy and fortunate she had us both. BUT we all know there is a special bond between a daddy and his little girl. Mommy always has to be the bad guy, but how in the world can a big soft hearted daddy look into his own daughters eyes that reflect his own eyes and say no... truth is, i dont think he does a whole lot- and well... it's ok with me :)

I sit here and think about all of my friends who are fathers now, the cute little boys and girls they have, the silliness that you see come out in their eyes when they re children scrape a knee, or fall asleep on their chest. I know a LOT of wonderful fathers. Some of them i see as extent ions of my own family. Annies Dad- though we're not close anymore.... when i see him i still remember growing up there, being scared shit less of his loud voice until finally realizing he was just deaf HA HA- Briannes Dad who gave me my first job on their golf course at 15- and taught me what it was like to see the sunrise when the rest of my friends were sleeping in. He tells jokes like nobody else i know and truth be told, her parents are definatly in my book as my parents too (along with Annies mom and dad... but Betty just goes without saying)

I sit here and think about the people who most likley wish Fathers Day never existed. The ones who lost their fathers no matter if it were little Kenny who took his own life weeks ago, or Ray who passed and broke everyones heart the day before his Steelers kicked my Cowboys asses. (I know he had something to to with that). I know both of those families today have shed more than a few tears, maybe even been angry at the fact that everyone else gets to wrap their arms around their father on this day or at least talk to them in some way. I hope they felt the spirits of their loved ones as I know they do drop in from time to time to be sure you ok. I hope the day ends in peace for them and a smile knowing they're not really gone just not all that visable.

It is in every tear drop that rolls off my cheek that makes me happy and sad all in one tiny moment. My house is quiet. It is just me and my animals (under my feet following me from room to room today) I spent all of yesterday and some of the morning with my papa at the lake with friends- I am fortunate.

For two hours now, i've laid here. Staring up at my ceiling fan yet again, watching it as if any moment something miraculous will happen. Today is not just Fathers Day, today is the first day of Summer. Summer has a different feeling than spring, it is almost as if over night the sun got hotter, my energy level sky rocketed and my soul grew just a little bit more. It is silent in here for now, only the soft humming of the fan spinning and spinning overhead.

Something big is coming. I've been told this by two psychics 3 people i've only met through blogging and well the most valid one.. my own instinct. I dont know what it is yet, but it's pretty damn strong and it's headed this direction. I think all of these years of paying for my Karma in my last life is getting ready to pay me off- maybe... just maybe...

I should be working today. Yes, it's Sunday but I have a lot of things to do for JHA. I'm going to just get up early and do them though, i'm going to relax tonight. Unplug my laptop from the WWW and sit downstairs in my bed with it open looking me in the face. Tonight, I'm going to pick back up on one of my books i've started. Likley not the childrens book, as i'm a deeper mood today even though my writing doubtfully reflects much of that today through random back and fourth like always. After sitting in my tub for a good soak, in the quiet of my bedroom, over looking the most beautiul part of Arkansas and the friendliest wildlife imaginable, i'm going to write at least a chapter in my head, or try before putting it to paper.

Tonight might be the best chapter of the the thriller i have yet to tell anyone i've been writting until just now. Surprise... it's not the memoirs of my life, or the story of the catipillar but something a little on the dark side, with a tad of a romantic twist and maybe some built in fate... Guess we'll see.

Have a peaceful day today. Hug your dad, or call him.. hell send him a text message if you're anything like I am at the moment and have no voice with which to speak verbally. Be thankful, for every father in your life. Not just yours... but your childrens, or your best friends, even the life long friendships that now turn to kid dates on a Saturday at the lake. Not everyone has a father, not in their lives, not everyone has a good father, but the truth is... you shouldn't have to look far for a man in your life you can say is a wonderful father, with wonderful children.

Much love to the fathers who read my blog- I hope you had the most delicious ribs for dinner, or T-bone... or salad.. whatever... and you're laying on the couch in your favorite position, remote in the right hand beverage in the left looking around at your beautiful family being thankful that someone created this day for you. As always, may the sun rest upon your face with the softness and beauty that brings a tear to your eye and a smile to your face. Until tomorrow....

Friday, June 19, 2009

Fa Fa Finally... Friday!

Another sunny day! Summer soltice is around the corner (Sunday) along with Fathers Day of course. What better day to bring in a new season than the day we thank our Fathers. I really dont have a way to thank Papa- so i'll make him some ribs, afterall i think food is really the best gift you can give... cheese for me, meat for him... whatever. I'll send my bio a text message letting him know I love him, no matter how much he hated my mom and sees me her in me... and by all rights, they are both good dads to their respective children. We all just have different ways of being raised. ON A SIDE NOTE.........

I did more yard work yesterday than i should have. You know, the dancing shadows i was watching... finally inticed me to get my ass off the couch and go outside, causing me to bust into serious worker girl mode... which caused my already fucked up back some real problems this morning, no worries though, i'm just walking around hunched over, not like the other people that live in this area dont do that, only i dont have a walker yet. I bet I could still win a walker race down the hill! The ice cold beer I had in the fridge was much appreciated when I was done working though, i sat on the second balcony of my house looking down at all the work I'd done, thinking... "I wonder if anyone ELSE can tell i've done anything" and "geesus I need a about a month off work, a truck load of ready mix and about 8 huge men to do this shit because this is tough all alone. The month off would be so I could stand and point... the redi mix is to keep the fucking rocks from collapsing down the hill, keeping my 'natural steps and walls' in place and the 8 huge men are to do the dirty work while i point. Mr. Tulsa isn't huge, and frankly he'd be just as good pointing with me while drinking a beer than lifting heavy things... like rocks.

It has been a long week. Maybe because the beauty of every day is so inviting it is hard to focus on work, and I begin to drift off in my mind to places like Fiji, or the river... or even the HOliday Island pool (because i'm sure they are ALL comparable to Fiji! HA HA) It has been a wonderful day though, I put up two new hummingbird feeders, one of which is next to me right now on the window and i've been able to watch hummingbirds all day long. After reading Suzys post today about saving a baby hummingbird, and well... you should just check her out, she's a riot! it made me wonder if someday i'll be that old lady on the hill, with a million hummingbird feeders staring out the window constantly, petting my cat and listening to both of my dogs snore..... then i realized that is EXACTLY what I am right now. AND i love it.

I'm off to laze around the pool with the girls (and of course Jenni's boys) but Brianne is on her way and we're all going to chil pool side before kickin up our heels on my balcony... i wonder if they will notice the work i did? LOL doubtful! Tommorrow is a day at the lake HOPEFULLY with Papa and some people from work, but you never really know, it might just be me getting drunk in the sun with the co workers.... whatever, i love speed boats! I have nothing creative for you today, my mind hoped on the back of a skunk and hauled ass for the woods... i have no idea when it will be back. It's Friday though, no need for deep thoughts. OR EDITING. i'm not even spell checking this post.... (and right now you're thinking, does she ever???)

Have a fabulous weekend my friends, happy fathers day to all you readers who managed to create a miracle in this crazy ass world of ours, and even moreso if you managed to keep them fed! To the father of my daughter- even though i dont think he can read this anymore... Happy Fathers Day... Thank you for OUR very own miracle, god knows i couldn't have done THAT on my own! :) peace out my friends... much love to you all this glorius weekend... maybe you should take time to thank your God for it, or gods, or Godess, or Mother Nature, or Universal power... whatever you chose to call the 'miracle that is life' Thank it! Cheers

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Dancing Shadows Caress My Mind

Laying on the couch in a wonderland of thoughts. Watching the trees dance so gracefully out the window, creating shadows that appear to be that of dancing lovers. The sun beats down on my feet as it blazes through the window pane draping me in a comfortable heat. The ceiling fan on full blast, causing the small transparent hairs to swirl from my bangs into my eyes and back again to my forehead. It feels like a dream world.

My mind never stops racing, one subject to another, to another and on it goes. My body feels weak and carefree to any option of standing up to do any number of the things my mind suggests. I close my eyes, to rest my mind and see nothing but flickering lights behind my eye lids, again with the dancing lovers, the trees swaying as if listening to a melody only they can hear. So much to do, i think to myself as my eyes slowly drift closed again, and my body feels heavy as if sinking into the cushons little by litte. The fan above seems to be going faster and faster, to the point I can no longer focus on one blade at a time but one continous white blur and my eyes close finally.

Wishing for rest, undeniably exhausted but for what reason? Cooking brings a smile to my face, my heart and my stomach, yet today the sheer thought of it makes me more tiered, and less interested. I need a hammock. the voice in my heart seemed to muster with all the energy it had to give. I want to lay outside in the sun, naked, in a hammock and rest for the remainder of the suns hours. I want to fall asleep in mid air, watching quietly as the leaves caress one another, whispering and swaying as if the most magical of moments were taking place right here, behind my eyelids.

I think I shall get dressed... dig out a credit card and purchase a hammock today. I think it would be a wise investment. At least a nice long sun chair to hold me up from the baking of the wood surrounding my house holding me up.

My eyes are closed again, images of stores in the area that would have these items for me, ready to go, no assembly required. I dont think i have the energy. The one chair i would love to see put in around here......... Star Bucks.

have a peaceful day my friends. Cheers!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Beatles... and My Bubble

I've spent a lot of time in my life trying to do nice things for other people. NOT because the good deeds I do in this life are going to make my next life that much better, but because it just feels right as a human and even if nobody notices, which is more fun when they dont, It makes my heart smile. So now that the 'cheese' is out for the day here is a super duper wonderful thing that happened to me yesterday (and NO, not the odd weakness and near panic attack)

I had been laying in the bathroom floor of the handicap stall here at work. Yes, I know, that sounds pretty fucking disgusting, but the bathrooms here, in my defense are cleaned nightly and very well i might add. Not that it mattered much because the floor was cold and it felt good to just lay there feet from the toilet on my blanket vs. sitting in my cubical praying that i didn't get sick on my WAY to the bathroom .... a fucking mile accross the building. I was in there for a good 20 minutes until i realized that people were going to know exactly who i was... my red heels were hanging out of the door. Not too many people get real creative with shoes around here... probably just Jenni and I truth be told... oh and the princesses! (they have bad ass shoes)

ANYWAYS- short story made super duper long someone did something super nice for me... out of the blue... Karma paid me back yesterday... I got back to my seat to find a VHS (yes you read that right) of the Beatles, and a book called Shout laying in my chair:

Now, if you know me at ALL, you probably figured out that no matter how shitty i felt, i nearly screamed loud enough to bust the glass out of the entire building. Surprises from people out of the blue are the best kind of surprise, espeically when you know by the gift that they thought of YOU. I was barley over the goosebumps and holding back the happy tears when an instant message popped on my screen. "Are you here today?" Immediatly I knew. His name is Phil. I've worked with him since I started working for JHA off a contract over 6 years ago. He is probably in his 50's. He is a very kind hearted man, with a sense of humor like very few of us in this world. He can tell a joke with the best of them and take a joke even better. He is and always has been a single man. Lost his mother only a few years ago (how lucky to have your parents that long) He is balding on top, but has grown the back of his hair out past his shoulders as if to tell society to go to hell in the kindest way. He wears a button down shirt every day, nothing fancy and glasses that appear to be as old as he is. Its not often you find truly genuine people in the work place. Espeically one so full of intelligent people like this one. Around every corner there are people with masters degrees in various departments of the geek world i only understand a tiny amount of. The things these people can do, it truly is amazing and scary at the same time. You can trust that if we handle your banks software... it's in GOOD hands... i promise! Anyways, Phil has been a person i would consider a friend for years now. I dont see him very often, only in passing on the way to the lunchroom, I banter with him about how he should put his hair in pigtails because that would be awesome... he gives me shit about whatever odd clothing i'm wearing or if i have 'caused any trouble laltey'.

I answered the Instant message from him with a very excited "Yes, I'm here... did you leave this Beatles stuff in my chair??" to which he replies "Well, I was cleaning out my library and ran accross that stuff, figured you more than anyone would appreciate it" I nearly busted into tears, ok, ok, truth is I did cry! I think i cry more at work than any other time. I thanked him over and over and over again, as i flipped through the book seeing pictures of the four men who seem to have such a magnetic hold on me, and Lennon was killed the year i was born.........I HAD to lived in the 50-70's in my last life... had to! I'm going home tonight, digging out my VHS player and watching that movie! I plan to shut my phone off.... not that i have paid ANY attention to it for days now... and eating chicken salad on triscuts while watching the most amazing group of men that I would have given anything to see live before the end of their days as a group. I just wish Ringo still took fan mail... because I have a lot to say to him as the most unappreciated Beatle of all. Paul... he's just a cutie and YES i know he could be my father! I am a sucker for big puppy dog eyes! Truth be told, George - other than Lennon was my second favorite though... the man was a beautiful soul with the ability to write songs that make your heart sing, or bleed depending on the expression in his words. RIP to him and John.

So anyways... that is the cool thing that happened yesterday, other than sleeping like a zombie from basically 1-9 then 11-7 this morning. Life stress kicks my ass physically, I dont get it... i really dont.

I took this picture last Friday evening while laying on a blanket in the grass. Jaida and Jenni's boys were blowing bubbles and had apparently blown so much around that area the grass was coated in soap. I find it interesting how something as small as a blade of grass can be so sharp and abraisive, yet hold something as fragile and soft as a bubble.

I live my life in a bubble... I admit that. I like it here. The sun seems to shine just a little bit brighter, the water runs a little clearer and the trees dance just a tad softer. I block out a lot of the ugly things in life in order to keep my bubble softly around me, protecting me from the harsh outside world. Once in a while, that blade of grass slices through my beautiful bubble and causes my heart to bleed for all of the things i've been protected from in side this beautiful world of mine. The reality of finances and pay cuts, bills and fake designer bags. The fact that animals really do get killed in the road, and the meat I can't seem to stop eating didn't 'give it'self to me' someone actually killed it and probaly in a violent manner. The water that rushes under my favorite bridge is probably more poluted than I want to believe, and not by anything other than humans and their inability to care for nature by tossing trash out the window or flushing chemicals into the ground. I get physically ill when my bubble bursts all around me leaving me vulnerable to the real world. Maybe this little world of pure existance doesn't really exist to anyone else, but it does to me. ODD, yes, that I get physically sick when it all builds up and finally hits me like a brick wall.... but it's only a 24 hour illness that i purge and recover from after sleeping like the dead for almost a full day.

I look around and see people totally consumed by the sadness that affects them so deeply on a daily basis that dark rings set in around their eyes brining a dark void to their eyes as if the soul has laid down waving a white flag and it breaks my heart. I plan to eat lunch here in the office today and head back home... to my oasis of serene natural beauty and pure peace on my little piece of heaven, or my bubble of a house. Maybe I shouldn't ignore the shitty things in life, because they build up causing me to hibernate until i build my energy back... but you know something? I would rather spend 24 hours a month sick, weak, sleepy and bland... then every single day without a smile on my face.

I woke up today to the sun shining on my face and my daughters foot on my forehead. I have never been happier to have a foot in my face... in fact that is the ONLY foot allowed close to me! (including my own... i would take them off at the door if i could still walk without them)

It's a beautiful day here in my bubble! The sky is an ocean blue so inviting as to say 'welcome back my friend', the air smells sweet with a hint of summer just around the corner as if to remind me spring is packing it's bags and heading away. I have a Beatles movie calling my name in the sexiest of British accents and a book with a few pictures that i'm not sure i've seen before along with a 'biography' of the men whos voices echo in my soul and bring a smile to my heart. I hope your day is full of laughter and smiles, calm peaceful rest or just a cheerful feeling. I hope your bubble shows the true reflection of the world to be nothing more than beautiful and the ugliness that looms in the wake of every day, never can catch up with you! Have a supurb afternoon peeps.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Terrifying Tuesday

Yep... you read that right. EVERY single thing about this car/place/sayings scare the living shit out of me... keeping in mind the man who does all this is a goat herder. I dont even know what to say anymore, i just laugh to myself.......... then cringe at the thought.

I dont feel so hot - i'm heading to my dads to lay down before i fall down. Peace out peeps

Monday, June 15, 2009

It's been ONE HELL OF A DAY.. in my life.

Turns out the Prada I got and was so proud of being the first REAL designer I purchased.... was fake. AFter i sold it I found that out- NICE. So i tell the lady who sold it to me.... that the authetication cards for it are to two other prada purses... she replies with 'we nearly got in trouble for selling them as real and now call them replicas'... WTF? FUCK YOU- dammit. Financially things couldn't be worse.. but whatever... so i get home yesterday, do some cleaning on the house, as i go out to throw a bag of trash away, there is an opossum sleeping in the bottom of my trashcan. SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME. I left him there... not wanting to get bit. When i went to take the trash out today, there he was........ STILL snoozing. I tried to get him to move but he just looked at me like 'what?'

So I let him sleep a few more hours and then dumped him out. WHAT??? He stinks and i needed to throw the damn trash away.

Remember last Monday, when i said i should stay in bed on Mondays? Well, today just proves that theory correct. On top of the financial shit, and the vermin napping in my trash can (he didn't bother me, but his smell did) I went to get in my car to pick up my daughter, and my damn car battery is dead. Wouldn't be a huge deal if i didn't live in the middle of the ARKANSAS mountains. So anyways, today is one of the two set aside 'bad days' for me. I plan to sit here and cry until my dad gets here with a new battery AND my daughter. Of course his other daughter never has to pay him back. Why would she? She doesn't work, doesn't even try to.... still makes him pay all her bills and for her daughter to go to child care during the day to which i say again......... why.. WTF do you do during the day? She doesn't even blog! :) (now that was funny) So i'm sure he'll expect me to pull money out of my ass, money that i dont have. The change I managed to scrap up today (all ones and quarters... boooyah) will likley have to go to him- i mean he does have to support two house payments yadda yadda.... at least I finally grew balls and told him I can't afford to pay his phone bill anymore.... that was ridiculous! So... shitty damn day over here on my side of the world. But... as you know, i have to find something beautiful.. and I did.... so here are a few pictures i just took of my flowers, and they made me smile. Nature amazes me and always seems to brighten up the world. I hope you all had a better Monday than I did. I'll post again tomorrow!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Uhm, dont get mad buuuuuut...........

Yesterday was the typical day here in Eureka Springs once we got home from Monett. Like most days, I picked the kiddo up at 4 and had to run some errrands. After that we headed to see Nicole and Tim but really it's been months since we'd seen Kael, their little boy. Before we went over to their house Jaida and I stopped at Sonic. We both got a cherry slushy and shared some cheddar bites. By the time we got there, we were minutes away from Tim arriving home with the little bundle........ who is now almost a full grown man (seriously no doubt he's a boy, you know... some kids look like girls and visa versa) this kid is all BOY and he's not even a year yet. We hung around for a while listening to him coo and very cleary say "I love you" but not with words, just the tone. It was something i've never seen such a small person do before. AMAZING.

Jaida and I hit a few of our favorite back roads before heading down the only highway that gets us home. The radio up as loud as we could get it (to drown our our tone deaf voices) and each had a hand out the window. The young boys in the truck in front of us must have thought it was really something, considering they peered at us through the rear view mirrors and gave the peace sign as they turned. Of course Jaida, being the socialite she is, gave the peace sign right back as she knodded, not missing a beat of the song! The ride home through Roaring River was gorgeous yesterday- the music was good, like non stop hits from the 70s and really to me - it doesn't get better than that. The air was moist and hot but the breeze through the valleys cool enough to leave the windows down and give you a rush as it blows your hair back in a whirlwind of energy.

We quickly ran to our house, swipped the bad ass 15 bean soup I had made (cajun style... yummm) to take to Jenni and the boys and headed into town. It wasn't long of course before my stomach was growling like a wild animal and Jaida too was hungry again. Where else would I order emergency food from - The Lovin Oven! They delievered to us just in time.

As the three of us girls sat out back in the cool of the evening, lightning bugs began to dance. Lighting almost in unison only to dissapear then show back up 5 feet away. Jaida sat on a lawn chair, her eyes sleepy from the long day, yet grease dripping down her chin from the pizza she held in her small hands. "How do you like school?" Jenni said to her. Apparently Jaida, who was in a daze by now... sleep deprivation and 'firefly's'. I repeaded the question to Jaida and she knodded in agreement "I like it". "Tell her about the new friend you made today", I said. "Michael?" she replied with that curious look about her face. "Yeah, is he your boyfriend?" i had to ask, because what fun to joke around with a five year old about that anyways, they get so defensive! Not this time though, she turns around with a very matter of fact look on her face and says "He's not my boyfriend mommy, Garrett is my boyfriend........ remember?" but before i could reply she says something that I will remember for the rest of my life, and dread with years to come.

Sitting up straight in the chair, cocking her head to the side. Her red little face glistened with sweat and her hair was dramatically matteed to her skull. She begins talking with her hands. This, is when you know they are serious... little ones... when they bust out the hand gesture.

"Uhm, ok... well... Don't get mad buuuuuuutttt well I hugged him" she says holding her hands clasped together tightly and sitting on her knees. My face must have been totally blank, I'm not sure I even blinked for a few minutes. I was in utter shock at what had come out of her mouth, meanwhile invisioning the coming years and the things that would follow that very sentence as she grows older: Dont get mad butt.... I wrecked your car, got kicked out of Spanish class, got caught sneaking out of XX's house, Have after school detention... and we all know it gets worse than that...

So she hugged Garrett. Jenni proceeded to try to carry on the conversation by pretending to be mad. Afterall, that deserved some kind of reaction.....and mommy was still green in the face with horrible futuristic scenerios racing through her head to even breath.

Once I snapped out of it, it was funny. I had to ask her "what did Garrett say when you hugged him?" to which her reply was very 'matter of factly' (because that is how she answers almost everything) "He said thank you, I'm gonna go play now, i'm done with my pizza".

Jenni and I sat in a silent gut splitting laughter for several minutes before discussing what our first "mom, dont be mad" was.... frankly i'm glad she broke me in with a hug... but she's also only 5!

So in short, I was shown a quick glimpse into what it is going to be like as my now cute and adorably animated daughter, turns into a bigger child, then a teenager and heaven help me she's going to be a knock out! I remember now why as I got older my mom always told me she appreciate the days in school when I was (of course pretty to her... yeah right) a bit 'homley' with my long fawn like legs, huge knee caps and David Letterman split between my teeth. My 'indian' lump in my nose was so large I couldn't see either way without totally turning my head and it was all I could do to walk and talk let alone chew gum at any given moment without falling and bleeding at the knee. Frankly my friends, I'm scared to death of what will come. I can only hope that between the fear her father will instill in the boys, and the kean intelligence to be totally grossed out by cooties (I plan to start this strategy as soon as i finsih writting) that she will continue to pick her nose (because of course i'm going to tell her boys LIKE that... surly it will detour them a few more years) that talking to them will only make you grow facial hair on your forehead. and last but not least if all else fails, pick the booger and all be damned... eat it! Hey, dont judge me... unless of course you have a daughter, in which case you can't tell me you havne't told them every trick in the book to keep them away from boys... right?

Id love to hear any advice you might have in the way of raising a beautiful young woman.........I dont have my mom around to ask, and when I think about things she did to me... they seem really super sadistic compared to booger eating! I'm surprised I even like boys now! :)

It's been an eventful day here on the hill - tornado warnings, a little tiny bit o' hail and an assload of rain, now we have plenty of beautiful sunshine beconing to me to get off my ass and come visit so I think that's exactly what i'll do. I've made spaghetti and plan to go to Roaring River with Jaida, Jenni and her boys to have a nice nature dinner and let the kids blow off some steam while playing in the muddy grass and swing set. In any case.... have a beautiful day- I have. Cheers- to five year olds and the things they say to give us heart failure.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Thankful Thursday!~ (It makes more sense than things that make me laugh today)

Ah, This week seems to be flying by... of course I say that NOW, while face first in a seven pound taco salad! I tell you what, I have eaten at least 8 full meals the last two days and all be damned if i cant get full. It's about to kill the button on my jeans, at any minute now I fully expect it to pop off and richochet off the cubical wall landing in my eye........ I'll keep you updated, or maybe i'll unbutton my pants?? WAit, CAN that be sexual harassment in the workplace? I better not i guess.

I woke up today as hungry as an ethiopian. I dont say that out of FUN or that I dont feel sorry for those people, but literally. I ate two crackers and thought i was going to blow up! I thought at first that 'Finally, those two crackers filled the 'spot' that has caused me to eat like a growing pony the past few days' but, no.... here i sit, still not able to eat fast enough... or enough period! So it's finally Thursday and since I have nothing wittier to tell you today otehr than the fact that my wasteline is expanding at an alarming rate - here we are with my Thursday Thankful List:

* I am thankful for stretchy jean material, even though i'm not wearing stretchy jean material today........WTF was I thinking? I knew I should have saved some maternity clothes for days like this!

* Mrs. Kaiser- My daughters Kindergarten 'summer school' teacher. If not for her, my daughter would be a total mess all day at school (and likly still stuck to my leg as i sit here). This isn't funny, not in the least. She cries every morning when i drop her at school... not because, like me, all the kids make fun of her name... NO... why? Well, it's because everyone is bigger than her... everything is big! :) so cute... So this morning while sitting in the Gym that I once graced with my ugly duckling presents with at her age. I looked across to the North wall to see the Eagle, the school mascot, but not just any eagle... THE same eagle that was there, that the seniors had painted the year I came to school (second grade) I'm almost 29 peeps- seriously... time to redo the mascot?? I think so! In any case trying to get my daughter off my leg, I pointed to it. Told her that it was there when I was in school and asked her how old she thought it was...... to which she replied "I dunno, 800?" Yep... That's right Jaida- Mommy turns 800 this year, and DAMMN do I look goooooood! :) (Someone roll me off a cliff if I live to see 75... seriously)

* I'm so super Thankful for my follwers- shallow? Maybe? But i'm up to 42 and damn proud of that. I will tell you all... I visit your blogs at least once a week even if i dont always comment. Somehow one of my favorite bloggers the Sass is gone from my RSS feed so now I have to manually go see her, what a crock of shit that is! :) Kidding Sass- but really... for some reason your RSS is blocked from me here at work... did you go all XXX on us?? :) AND those of you who read all the time, and comment to me on email, or text or IM... would you PLEASE just sign up already and be a follower... it makes me feel special (pink helmet with lightnight strike special)

* At this very moment, i'm very thankful that my stomach has decided to turn me a bit sick vs. actually eating the rest of this damn taco salad... really... I think i might throw up- eat more crap Bambi- can't you tell it's good for you!!

* Thankful for the days when I work IN the office. Why- Well lemme tell ya: 1. I appreciate my home more. 2. I get to see all the people I used to see, but sadly spend most of my day catching up with them- so case in point, i am more productive when i work from home! 3. I am reminded so often how different my life would be right now had things worked out how I planned for three years... I'm thankful that life chose a different path for me 4. The drive here is beautiful and makes me thankful for where I live! 5. I'm thankful I get to work at home!!!! 6. Did I mention working from home is much better on me production wise? 7. But... all that said, it's still nice to see my friends here at work.

*I'm thankful for the rain- because after the past two weeks of thinking i mysteriously moved to Seattle and didn't know it, the days when the sun comes out (like right now) make the week of grey clouds and tornado warnings much more bearable and cheerful.

*I'm thankful for my damn tattoos- all of them... espeically the one I posted a picture of... I dont see it, ever... so.... i thought i'd share with you so I could see it today! ha

It's a beautiful day today- if you didn't already pick THAT up from the last post. I would give my big toe on either foot to be sitting in the sun around the pool, or lake (whatever, it's not like i swim much) with a huge Pina Colada (double shot of course) and sand between my toes, in which case if i were at the pool would make the sand between the toes a bit awkward now wouldnt it???hummmmm... anyways, it sounded nice. Thanks for hanging in there once again to make it through a totally random and a bit of kiltered Thursday. Peace OUT Ya'll.... (as i throw you a gang sign... like i even know a gang sign!)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Why Is Its of Wednesday

First I should tell you, incase you wonder.... if i got the job yesterday. Well, after a 15 minute interview things seemed great, the guy, whos name nearly made me throw up on myself because it is Douche Bags name, told me I had the perfect personality to work there and he would go back to have his boss come out for a second interview. Granted, i've not been in the food industry for so long, lets say i was a car hop last time i served food.... and still in high school!! Anyways, after a good wait the guy came back out and said he had talked to his boss and that unless I could work full time nights, that they didn't have any positions at that time, but would keep me on file for an opening to be hostess but didn't have anything right now. On the way out, reminds me i'd have the job if i could work more. Right, i get that! But, fact is I have a full time job 40+ hours a week already and I only need to supliment a pay decrease at work... not lose out on every waking moment of my daughters life, i mean it's already to the point i feel like when she's with her dad for two days that when she comes home she's grown another mile. So, i'll stick to selling ebay stuff until something else comes along. I just wish I had more Prada to sell! So with that said, here are my 'Why is its'

* Why is it, that we can grow so attached to a material item. A bag, we carry it with us to hold our other posessions, meanwhile growing so attached to the bag that we call it a 'her'. My prada took on a personality of her own in a way. The beautiful colors of yellow, orange, green and brown mixed so well that sometimes I felt like the bag was a part of my family. I know, I know, it sounds so shallow. Fact is, it probably is. Letting go of her, packing her away in a box with her dust bag and auth cards sending her to Baltimore was one of the hardest things i've done in a while. When the lady at the post office said to me 'do i need to say a prayer over it too?' I realized just how silly it had been to fall in love with a purse. I had my moment, i'm over it. Now it's time to sell all the rest of the things just sitting around looking pretty in my home!

* Why is it- no matter how many clothes you have in your closet (or lack of) there are some days when absolutly nothing fits right, looks right or feels right? It's as if you are shopping in someone elses closet... wtf!

* Why, when it storms so badly outside that the trees are swaying back and fourth violently nearly touching the ground, the rain is hitting the sliding door at warp speed and the thunder sounds like a train wreck, that I am immediatly reminded of the storm on the 1942 Disney Movie Bambi? (Anyone else??? seriously... the storm with the orchestra.... ) Anyone??

* WHY did they invent moon sand? Jaida wanted an ice cream shop for her birthday, the kind that you smash the play doh into and it makes ice cream. I went looking, and apparently like the horrible mommy I am, only found moon sand that makes ice cream shapes. She never complained, dont take me wrong, she never told me until last night that wasn't what she wanted at all but the real play doh MOM!. As i sat in the floor with her, trying to figure out what was supoosed to be so cool with this Moon sand, i was at a loss. We smashed the sand into the ice cream scoop and wah lah- big deal. that's it.... and, if you touch it or even breath hard on it, it crumbles and falls apart. Seriously- no wonder she wasn't so excited.......BOOORING.

* Once I got some pictures on my imagekind site JUST to get stuff up there, I realized... WHY are all my great shots on film? WHY 35mm? OH yeah wait.... because hands down 35mm is the best and true art, what a pain in the arse this is going to be.......scanning the already perfect photos I have that would sell much faster than anything already out there. AH Well.......

My friends, I am drained. Lack of sleep last night has me near vegitative state today and it is all I can do to keep my eyes open right now. However, from the other room I can hear Jaida, who apparently was upset she missed Transformers last night, watching it on high volume. The cutest thing ever is her, yelling at the TV "Go Bumble Bee, Go... Dont let him.......... OH GOOD JOB BUMBLE BEE!!! Hey Mom! He Turned into a guy!!!"

Off to love my life my friends. Have a marvelous one yourselves!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

She sold! My Prada... My pride and joy for so long now in the material world is no longer mine and will be mailed out to the highest bidder today. Bitter sweet I tell you, bitter sweet. I'm off on another of my whirlwind adventures today. I've started a gallery for selling my photography here:
and am taking my lunchbreak from work today to interview for a part time job at P.F. Changs. Keep your fingers crossed my friends. If you have a chance though, please check out my website on imagekind. I plan to add SEVERAL more shots when I have some spare time tonight so stay tuned! If you have a 'shot' in mind, that you would like to see taken and put in the gallery for sale... let me know, I am always up for photographic challenges. Keepin this one short for today- I hope wherever YOU are, the day is beautiful and energetic as it is here! And hey, if you want too.... feel free to purchase some work on the site (again incase you missed it the first time) because a girl can never market her love for photography too much. cheers my friends. Stay tuned for more pictures!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Mondays.... I should just stay in bed on Mondays.

I got my first speeding ticket today. In all fairness it isn't the first EVER, just the first I dont plan to fight due to expenses and sheer ignorance on my part. I'll be the first to admit, when I left my house this morning, I was not the least bit awake. Jaida was still in the dazed blurr and had her seat reclined, thank heaven I actually put my seatbelt on (most times i'm scared to wear it because of decapitation dreams, but that's another story in it'self) I have to drive through the golf course neighborhood on my way out of where I live, this entails a lot of golf cart traffic, old people in their robes walking their dogs (eeewwwwww... seriously men should NOT wear white robes!) and squirels trying to decide which side of the road they want to steal their nuts from. This morning, is only different because it is a fucking MONDAY!

After running the gauntlet of blue hairs and golf carts, the squirel, which i can only assume is Stewarts cousin due to his need to play russian roulette with my car, is the only reason I wasn't going 55 I'm sure. As I rolled down the hill missing the squirel by inches, the dodge dakota parked in front of me (facing me) flipped it's lights on.............I could only muster a 'hmmm' in my head. I honestly had no idea what I had done wrong, just thought maybe it was the typical Arkansas 'road check' for those criminals that escaped a few weeks ago. NOPE- I was going 44 in a 25. Well who fucking knew the speed limit was 25 through there? Fuck if i've ever paid any attention and honestly... HOW do you go 25 DOWN a steep hill??? You'd have to be on a ten speed to go that fucking slow! (oh and the criminals were found in NY and returned to AR prison.... This is on the radio as I was getting my ticket answering any question i had about that)

Whatever- The old bald man, quite swollen in the mid section comes grumbling out of the car. He starts our conversation with 'Didn't I just give you a ticket last month and you skipped out on court?' to which I reply in the nicest possible voice 'Uh, Nope' Totally forgetting the 'Sir' that I was raised to reply with when you're speaking to someone that could be your great great grandfather. "Well, you have the same haircut" he replied. Uh huh, i'm thinking in my head.... most of the blue hairs do have short hair here, except mine isnt' permed.... YET. He nods at me, and then says 'Well son of a bitch, there is a squirel with no tail'.

Ok.... my daugther is in the passenger seat, and as much as I might cuss when she's not around.... that was uncalled for! Unfortunatly the bob tail squirel didn't get me out of the ticket, but my lack of emotion and blank face must have made him decide he'd give me some 'time' so he pushed my court date to August while telling me 'I'd like to see you trasnfer your tags and your plates since you live here now'.... Which is fine, and dandy (i'm only 5 miles from the Missouri state line) but I never told him this............ and he didn't run my lisence.... he literally just wrote the ticket out.... HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE SCARY OLD CRUSTY BUTT?? In any case, I began to drive off and he stops me to say 'is the baby belted i?' to which i lift the blanket off her to show him and he walks away. Well, this ruffled Jaida's feathers, how dare he call her a baby! She bantered about that for a good 5 minutes before lecturing me on the art of speeding. I can only hope she drives as slow as she claims she will when she turns 16. Fat Chance! So yay, i get to go to court in August, and do I care? NOPE- NO SIR i really dont. Not today. Funny part was... shouldn't the kid be the FIRST thing you look at old man? I mean really- with all the idiots running around with the kids hanging in the back window upside down you dont care to ask until i'm driving off if the 'baby' is belted in? WOW.

I refuse to mark this one up to a bad day, even though my hair is uncooperative and apparently old looking I will go about my day in the mind set that I'm just super excited to be alive.............tee hee. Because I am.

On a side note- I have to complain a tad... so excuse me a bit... but there should be a few rules for MEN in the work place. (i can only assume it is men because if a woman smells like THAT, she had better go to her doctor ASAP) I walked down the stair well on the side of the building to meet Nicole for coffee. I couldn't help but gag a bit when I opened the door to the staircase and was blasted with the smell of a gym locker. Granted, most people here ride their bikes for 12 miles or run a short 10k before work everyday, but seriously! Go home and shower before you drag your stinky ass to work! On my way back up the same stairs, returning from getting coffee, my eyes watered from not the smell of the gym locker, but someone who had apparently realized they smelled and taken a quick bath in whatever cologne he chose this morning. I have no doubt that it wasn't cheap cologne as the oil of the scent has stuck to my clothing and now I too smell like a man..........frankly i'm more of a floral scent person and prefer my Eternal Love to a mans cologne anyday!

On a positive note- (ha ha... seriously i'm not in a bad mood) I'll leave you with my daily ZEN from the calendar on my desk. It made me feel better!

Our true home is in the present moment. To live int he present moment is a miracle. The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth in the present moment, to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now.- Thich Nhat Hanh

Have a fabulous day my lovley readers- I'll have a cheerful story for you tomorrow... :)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Road

What is it with dreams? You know, the ones that hit us hard in the middle of the night. They make your heart race, or tears stream. They can make you feel more in love than ever with someone you have never met who doesn't even have a face, or all in one dream you can be horrified beyond belief. Some dreams continue, long after you wake.... small things through the day make every tiny feeling you felt during the dream, rush back through your body to the point of causing your head to ache. The dreams that remind you your mom is dead, over and over. The dreams that youre being chased by someone faster than superman, yet your legs move as if they have blocks tied to them. Then there are the beautiful dreams, the dream when you can feel his hand softly touch your face and trace your jaw line as you're kissed softly on the lips sending chills down your spine only to wake up alone. What about the baby you lost all those years ago, when in your dream it was a boy, and he was beautiful like the love you felt when he was created, and lost.

I will never understand dreams. I get angry when I see my mom in my dreams and she just smiles, she never talks to me anymore just smiles. Somehow i'm always angry at her when i wake up, i feel alone again. What about those dreams where you're just there.... in a place you love or have always wanted to go, sitting in the sun, listening to the waves crash against your feet and staring into the crystal blue water as if it were your future. Nothing............just peace.

I can't begin to even pretend i understand what causes certain dreams. Why people we've not seen in years or some faceless person is there. Why or HOW it feels so real to be chased, or even touched. I look at the reasons online, and all of them say something different. It is the good dreams.... the one on the beach, the soft kiss that leaves me shaken or the site of the son I never had laughing with his father in a life that never really happened.

I wonder sometimes, if dreams are but a glimpse of our past life, something we actually did feel or see at some point in our lives? Is it just in our psyche? Just because my mom wont talk to me in my dreams, does this mean she's angry, or that somehow deep inside i'm angry at her? I dont think so......

Sometimes I look around at the world as it is, and feel as though i'm in a dream... a great dream... a wonderful dream. It feels so good most of the time. Days like today when the breeze touches your hair just right, the smells surrounding you drift off like honey suckle and lilac. People you meet in passing smile as if they see and feel the same things! It might sound horribly cheesy, but it truly amazes me how wonderful life is!

Without hardships, we would never appreciate the soft kindness of life. Without rain, we could never smell the honeysuckle growing along the road. Without sadness and loss, we would never appreciate the things that come into our lives and change us for the better. Without tears we would never truly understand the magic of a smile. I've been asked before, many times... if i could change things in my past, would i? The answer still remains NO. Even if sometimes the past does haunt us!

Live in the moment, cherish the past and be excited for the future! Have a fabulous day my friends!

Monday, June 1, 2009

What a beautiful weekend my friends!Friday night papa came down, he and i took Jaida on over to Jenni's where we met her and the boys and headed downtown to the park. Free music around blues festival is always a bonus, and their are vendors elbow to elbow with new and interesting pieces of art or jewlery. After hanging out by the fountain, diving for Mardi Gras beads by the various cars strolling around handing them out we enjoyed the festive magical feeling that is EUREKA:



After hanging out in the park, we decided to go grab dinner at the Pied Piper (Cat House) They had a great band there too!

Jenni took the kids to her house, and papa and I watched the rest of this particular band play and then headed back to get the kiddo. It was a nice, relaxing low key evening! You just can't beat that.

From the second I opened my eyes, until i finally laid down that night it was ON. Busy as all get out! I dont think i sat more than a full five minutes at a time. Jaidas birthday party was a successs. Cooper and Adyson came- that was her big surprise, the kids missed eachother and were inseperable. Papa made it down too and we had a great time, watching the kids swim, eating sandiwhiches and melted cupcakes in the sun. Good Times.

Jaida, is one of those kids that no matter how worn out they get, they stay in the water, damn near UNDER the water the entire time, and are morphing into fish right in front of your eyes, minus the tail fin.

When we finally got her to come out of the water, it was hard not to laugh yourself into a dizzy state of mind- i mean really... it's hilarious and cute at the same time

So then we opened presents and had a few snacks for the break.

Of course anytime you have to take a break from swimming non stop in order to open your presents- you then need a snack and a short nap. The girls worked together to get the chairs set up 'just right'

While the kids were spacing out into their own water logged world, we all got to have a little giddy kid fun ourselves... as always.

All in all it was a beautiful weekend. We couldn't have asked for better weather, better friends or better cupcakes. Jaida turned 5 with a smile on her face and pool water in her hair. I still can't believe she's five now, but i'm proud of her, i'm thankful for her more than anything in this entire lifetime, this beautiful young girl is the most amazing person I could ever know, or have the pleasure to know like i do. She will be a great success someday, she already is and she's still my baby... .always will be. I know she wont read this until it makes a book someday (fingers crossed) but she is my world, the greatest woman i know and i can't wait to see what she is like later in life. Thank you my little girl, for making me the person and mother i am today. you have completed my life!