Dark Days of Summer: Part 2

After speaking to my dad yesterday i realized............ it's been six years since she died. Apparently i've been stuck in this cave longer than I thought because somehow, I lost an entire year. I CAN do math, i promise, maybe it's because i dont remember the entire first year after the loss. In any case, imagine my surprise and the pain when I ran into that brick wall yesterday.

Continued............
After hearing her read her note, over and over again in my head the cold earth beneth me began to grow colder and wetter. Her voice was finally gone and all i could hear were the drops again, the tear drops falling to the wet ground beneith me. I felt something suddenly in the palm of my hand, it was small and hard, mis shapen and cold, just like everything else around me. I tried with all my mite to see this thing, but couldn't make out what it was or how it got into my hand. It wasn't a rock, it appeared to be metal, solid metal. In my other hand appeared another metal piece, it was easier to make out. It was longer, hollow in the middle, cold metal with a ridge at the end of it. REalizing with a sickness in my stomach, exactly what it was- a shell casing, oddly the piece in my other hand fit in it perfectly. It was the slug, the one that took her life.

I sat there in the dark, now freezing and scared. no longer crying but starting to understand my surroundings. I realized she had given them to me. The bullet, and the casing, and the note... though hard to read, and rarly remembered were all here for a reason. No longer had the last tear dried from my face than i started to feel a warm breeze, a sweet smell of honey suckle and a flicker of light. I slowly stand up, weak from the emotional drain of the experiance and suffering. HOlding myself against the wet cool wall of the cave I wonder towards the light in awe, still clutching the metal pieces in each hand. As I grow closer and closer, the breeze warms my cold fridged skin and the smell becomes more and more inviting. I can see the blue of the sky now, and I know that i'm almost out of the cave until i come to realize that I must climb to get out. The sky is above me, the sun barley able to reach my pale cold skin. Looking now at the two pieces i've cluched in my hands i realize I have to leave them behind in order to climb out. I know she gave them to me for a reason, as a reminder - but holding onto them will only keep me here, in this cold dark place where I dont belong even longer and i know where she wants me to be. I kiss the cold metal pieces and place them on the ground, around it I draw a heart and like magic they dissapear into the ground, the heart begins to light up, showing me roots on the climb up that i'm able to grasp as i climb. REaching for the first one I could feel a sort of magic around me, helping me find more and more places to grasp, more and more energy I'd not had in me moments before in order to get me to the top. Mud and rocks falling in my face and my hands bleeding from the pain of the climb I continue this for what seems like hours. My fingernails hurt, but the closer i get to the top, the stronger i feel and the better the sun feels on my skin. I rise out of the opening, and standing there is my daughter, surrounded by every friend i've ever had in my life. All of the people who i love and love me so dearly- even ones i've not met face to face. Each of these people have pushed me, pulled me or given me pep talks along the way to help me climb out of this hole and continue with the life i was meant to lead. each of them smiling- each of them giving me strength to continue and every second I realize they were sent to me by her.... even before she died. The entire clearning is surrounded by people, honey suckles and sun.

It's like heaven.... to me... I pick up my daughter, her grasp tight around my neck as she tells me 'I love you mommy, i can't wait to be a mommy just like you'. Life is good, the climb has been painful and what i'm leaving behind is and always will be with me, but nothing compared to the beauty that surrounds me in this lifetime!

Thank you- all of you, for your encouraging words, your laughter on rainy days, your jokes when i need a smile, your hug when the crying hurts so badly that i can't breath, the words of wisdom because you've been there, the empathy because you've not, the kindness you've shared, the pain you have healed and the time you have spent in my life.

Peace and Love to you all- ALL of you! I am lucky to have each of you in my life.


Tomorrows post will be a full account of her death. The day she died, the day before she died, the last words we spoke and a full account of my memory. It will be in tragic detail and I ask that if you do not want to know what i saw, felt and delt with taht you simply skip it. It is, however something i have to put on paper before i continue my book, and for you to fully understand ME as a person and how far i've come since her death. Much love to you all. Bambi

Fantastic Fathers and Fortunate People

Since Mothers Day is still a hard day to swallow, even after of these years... Fathers Day is really a day of true appreciation in my life. I am surrounded by so many wonderful people in my life that it is days like today when you stop to look around at not only your father, or step father, but the fathers in your life who have raised, are raising or someday will be fabulous fathers.

Obviously Papa wins award number one. Without him in my life since I was my daughters age, I wouldn't have the respect I do for hard working men/veterans of war/or true undying love.

I watched Papa as I grew up, treat my mother like the queen. My mom was never that woman who needed much in the way of pampering but it didn't really matter, because papa went out of his way to take care of her. I think it laid a lot of ground work in my soul when it comes to seeing love in a couples eyes and nothing makes me happier than to see two people happy... genuinely happy. I am more thankful for him than he might ever know, though i try to tell him and show him as often as possible. Afterall, when my battery died the other day, leaving me stranded here on this beautiful mountain my otherwise busted bubble... it was he who drove an hour, bought me a battery and put the new one in. I love you papa.

To my biological father- who by all accounts was never truly raised with a lot of love, from what I can tell.. he sure does TRY hard to figure out how to love me. He didn't raise me, but he helped my step mom raise my beautiful sisters (gorgeous twins!!) and honestly they are amazing and even if he doesn't think so, he had a little hand in how they turned out. I dont have the closest relationship with him, and for so many reasons not even worth mentioning, no matter how much emotional pain i've been caused through words... and only words... the most painful kind of hurt you can inflict on someone you love... it doesn't change the fact that he is my father and i love him with all my heart.

It's not often that a girl gets not one, but two dads. Bikers at that and both with big hearts and two totally different persona lites. I am lucky in every single way, shape and form to have them both in my life and without a mother, it makes it even THAT much more important to be sure they know they are loved.

Marriage doesn't always work out. When you're young you think what you have will last forever, and just as quickly as people fall in love, they can fall out of love too. The fact is, we are ever changing, no matter how old we get (inside and out- IF you let your soul age lol) and people grow in different directions. Obviously not many divorces often end in happy friendships, but when you share a child together it is very important to communicate, at least once in a while even if only about your child- if you dont, you end up missing things while they grow up when they're on weekend with the other parent and no matter who comes into your life, people should understand that bond. Sure, Jaida's father and I have had a few rough times, but to be straight honest with you I couldn't be more thankful for him to be the father of my wonderful baby girl.

I think it takes a special man to be a good father. One of those sayings that really hits home is 'any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy' and Adam is by every account in the book, a wonderful daddy to our child. I see her brown eyes and they glisten with the up most joy and happiness and it's not just because I'm a good mother, it's because she has two good parents and she too will someday look back and be very happy and fortunate she had us both. BUT we all know there is a special bond between a daddy and his little girl. Mommy always has to be the bad guy, but how in the world can a big soft hearted daddy look into his own daughters eyes that reflect his own eyes and say no... truth is, i dont think he does a whole lot- and well... it's ok with me :)

I sit here and think about all of my friends who are fathers now, the cute little boys and girls they have, the silliness that you see come out in their eyes when they re children scrape a knee, or fall asleep on their chest. I know a LOT of wonderful fathers. Some of them i see as extent ions of my own family. Annies Dad- though we're not close anymore.... when i see him i still remember growing up there, being scared shit less of his loud voice until finally realizing he was just deaf HA HA- Briannes Dad who gave me my first job on their golf course at 15- and taught me what it was like to see the sunrise when the rest of my friends were sleeping in. He tells jokes like nobody else i know and truth be told, her parents are definatly in my book as my parents too (along with Annies mom and dad... but Betty just goes without saying)

I sit here and think about the people who most likley wish Fathers Day never existed. The ones who lost their fathers no matter if it were little Kenny who took his own life weeks ago, or Ray who passed and broke everyones heart the day before his Steelers kicked my Cowboys asses. (I know he had something to to with that). I know both of those families today have shed more than a few tears, maybe even been angry at the fact that everyone else gets to wrap their arms around their father on this day or at least talk to them in some way. I hope they felt the spirits of their loved ones as I know they do drop in from time to time to be sure you ok. I hope the day ends in peace for them and a smile knowing they're not really gone just not all that visable.

It is in every tear drop that rolls off my cheek that makes me happy and sad all in one tiny moment. My house is quiet. It is just me and my animals (under my feet following me from room to room today) I spent all of yesterday and some of the morning with my papa at the lake with friends- I am fortunate.

For two hours now, i've laid here. Staring up at my ceiling fan yet again, watching it as if any moment something miraculous will happen. Today is not just Fathers Day, today is the first day of Summer. Summer has a different feeling than spring, it is almost as if over night the sun got hotter, my energy level sky rocketed and my soul grew just a little bit more. It is silent in here for now, only the soft humming of the fan spinning and spinning overhead.

Something big is coming. I've been told this by two psychics 3 people i've only met through blogging and well the most valid one.. my own instinct. I dont know what it is yet, but it's pretty damn strong and it's headed this direction. I think all of these years of paying for my Karma in my last life is getting ready to pay me off- maybe... just maybe...

I should be working today. Yes, it's Sunday but I have a lot of things to do for JHA. I'm going to just get up early and do them though, i'm going to relax tonight. Unplug my laptop from the WWW and sit downstairs in my bed with it open looking me in the face. Tonight, I'm going to pick back up on one of my books i've started. Likley not the childrens book, as i'm a deeper mood today even though my writing doubtfully reflects much of that today through random back and fourth like always. After sitting in my tub for a good soak, in the quiet of my bedroom, over looking the most beautiul part of Arkansas and the friendliest wildlife imaginable, i'm going to write at least a chapter in my head, or try before putting it to paper.

Tonight might be the best chapter of the the thriller i have yet to tell anyone i've been writting until just now. Surprise... it's not the memoirs of my life, or the story of the catipillar but something a little on the dark side, with a tad of a romantic twist and maybe some built in fate... Guess we'll see.

Have a peaceful day today. Hug your dad, or call him.. hell send him a text message if you're anything like I am at the moment and have no voice with which to speak verbally. Be thankful, for every father in your life. Not just yours... but your childrens, or your best friends, even the life long friendships that now turn to kid dates on a Saturday at the lake. Not everyone has a father, not in their lives, not everyone has a good father, but the truth is... you shouldn't have to look far for a man in your life you can say is a wonderful father, with wonderful children.

Much love to the fathers who read my blog- I hope you had the most delicious ribs for dinner, or T-bone... or salad.. whatever... and you're laying on the couch in your favorite position, remote in the right hand beverage in the left looking around at your beautiful family being thankful that someone created this day for you. As always, may the sun rest upon your face with the softness and beauty that brings a tear to your eye and a smile to your face. Until tomorrow....