Another Reason Jaida is so Awesome...

She was even thinking of the Reindeer!

Ten Things I Love... and Why!

This day started off with that 'annoying' feeling, you know the one... where everything and everyone gets on your nerves. I knew today was going to be a tough one I just didn't expect what became of it. One of my best friends found out her father has cancer, in his throat. One of my little sisters had to go into the hospital because her Lupus flared up. I want to take away their pain, I really would give my life to make all the bad things affecting the ones I loved just go away... but since I can't do that and I can't trade them places to make it all better.... I figure I need to take a happy pill, put on my zen radio and turn this annoyed emotional feeling I have and pure frustration into a positive thing so I can be the best I can be when they need me. So I'm posting my first LIST in several years:

Ten Things I Love the Most and Why:

1. Jaida May- My daughter, the extension of my soul. I could never in one lifetime explain all the reasons that I love her, the things that make her so wonderful or why, but I can give one that will at least help you understand what a special person she is: This morning on her way to school she told her father of how her teacher cried in class yesterday because her dog died, and my daughter began to cry too because she felt so deeply sad for Mrs. Ross. She has my emotions and it is a blessing and a curse, she makes me so proud to have such a beautiful heart.

2. My Boss- Because most people can't say that and I truly have one of the best. I am treated like a piece of shit by 90% of the people I work with and it hurts, a lot... but knowing I work for their boss, MY boss and he is a magnificent person and manager.... makes my job easier after co workers in an office three hours away send rude emails every chance they get, MY BOSS treats me with respect and in the end he's the only one who matters here.

3. Nature- I feel so at home when I am in Nature. Camping, Kayaking, strolling through the woods, listening to a river or the wind blowing through the trees. The rain, in the summer when it is still warm and touches your skin like a thousand tiny fingers. The Ocean, the power it projects and the energy it puts out. The Sun- The wonderful life it gives me and the warmth of it on my skin. The mountains the mysterious secrets they hold and the beauty they portray in such a hard cold world.

4. Friends- Because the ones that are TRUE, and I can count those on one hand, have been there to pick me up when I felt that I couldn't go on any longer. They hold me when I cry, or try to make me laugh, remind me of the past and prompt me towards the future. They offer their love and support and expect nothing back in return, they've stood by me through decisions, good and bad and held my hand when I needed the extra strength.

5. Animals- I can't imagine a life without them around me in all shapes and forms, it would be lonely and boring.

6. Music- I truly cannot live without music. When I write, like now, I listen to ZEN, or piano lyric less tones that create stories in my mind. I love all genres - it can set a mood no matter what mood it may be you aim for. I truly Cherish every form of music and listen to nearly all of it on a daily basis.

7. Family- The ones I stay in touch with, even the ones I've not talked to in far too long. The relationships that have withheld the test of time, the ones lost through Petty religious differences, the ones that live far away and the ones I hear from frequently. In some small way they've all formed me, who I am. I love them forever no matter the circumstances.

8. Laughing- I love to laugh, and make people laugh. It is one of the most wonderful sounds and feelings to truly laugh, from your gut, your soul and your heart. To smile can change someones entire day.

9. Life- because even though it's been a really tough one this far, it has had many many wonderful things in it. Tough times= lessons... good times= appreciation. I am truly thankful for my life and look forward to the rest of it, day by day, hour by hour the good and the bad. I hope to die as happy as my happiest day.

10. Lastly- Myself: Because without first loving yourself you aren't free to love others. Even through the dark hours of my life my love for others never went away, but my self worth went lifeless. I do love myself. I see a lot of great things that others may or may not see. I might be hard on myself but it's because i strive to be the best for those around me. I am strong when others need me and that is one of my greatest values. I am working on truly loving myself like I deserve but until then, I will continue building on the foundation already laid before me.

Until Next Post- Namaste my friends... wishing you all Peace & Love.

Cowboy Season Has Began

Thank heavens for Football

The one glimpse of Miles Austin............... :( my day will come LOL  





Me outside the new stadium- PreSeason Cowboys V Raiders

Me and Annie Loving the Game Day

Maggie, Ann, and myself

One Bad ASS Stadium, high priced everything, and full of excitement More to come........

last but not least, me directly after my 30th birthday at the fair with the one person on earth who means the world to me:

My Travel to Texas, and everything in between

Just as I sit here in my living room, as chliche as it may sound.... the fire place on high, clasiscal music lighting up the rest of the house, with my laptop finally in hand, where i'ts needed to be for sometime now. I have so much to express and stories to tell, i feel as if i might take the rest of my life to tell you what i've already encounterd.

I just got back from getting my tattoos (two of them) touched up. Stella, a girl I met while she was working as a bartender (in now one of my favorite places) has a tattoo shop called the Abyss. Anyways she brightened up my right foot, and added some shading to bring out the color - this is the memorial for my mom. The lotus on my wrist just a few added colors to deepen a few things.

The pain of a tattoo is not like any other pain i've felt in this lifetime so far. Depending on the location of course, you have a different sensation for each part of the tattoo, the outline then the shading and coloring. The coloring is the worst, in my opinion, yet somehow a deep and satisfying pain. To put your mind out of what is going on, to look down and see a piece of art that literally means something to you as a person, who you are and what you're made of. Not everyone needs a reminder, but not everyone enjoys all art. I'll post pictures soon of the new fresh look- i'm loving it.

The days are beginning to shine a little brighter, literally. Like February is almost over, we are just to the summit before we start the long journey down the mountain into spring. The best time of year is approaching and i couldn't be happier. with each three grey skies, comes a full sunny bright blue day now, and they grow closer together than ever.

I had the pleasure of taking Jaida Texas recently to see her Family. Grandma and Grandpa Hill- and who could forget......... the sweet aunts willing to spoil her rotten! We had a wonderful time. Jaida really had a blast. Here are a few pictures for you - Enjoy!

This is Jaidas ball toss, they had activities for the kids. It was a very nice BBQ/PIG roast and family oriented memorial for one of their friends. Everyone had a great time. I got to see people that haven't seen me since i was younger. I was born in Nacogdoches- I still enjoy the time i have when i go back and it's great to take my daughter to places and meet people that i knew when i was her age. She didn't win, but she was a good sport and had a great time doing it.

This is Jaida with her Grandpa Hill. She was proud to get a Gypsy Tshirt and be a part of the club. Her grandpa made sure she got what she wanted, at all times.... of course.

Here we have Jaida posing with a beautiful antique bike made in England, since we are fans of the country and the musical talent it has produced over the years, we proudly took this picture as the bike owner smiled on.

This is Grandma Pam and Aunt Jessica at the Harley shop in Nac. Somehow we managed to get out of TX without a picture of Jaida with Jodie. Congratulations to you and Chris on your engagement, i cannot wait to see my own little sister married. He's a Good guy too!

 

The picture you see to the right, is the initial meeting of three brilliant minds. As you can see, the eyes are on fire with mischeif once Sophie, Jaida and Cori finally got to meet after all this time... and the game was on, in IHOP. They had a great time together.

I however got to also see my long lost brothers.... or two of them at least and of course Tessa, Clays wife. She's a doll. I've known her half as long as i've known them... it's nice. it's been seven years since I saw Clay or Victor, and it was a wonderful reunion!


Me and Clay, Three years or four? younger than me yet always bigger!

This would be Tessa and I (Clay's Wife) Shes such a sweetheart and wonderful mother. It was so great to finally hang out afterr so long.

This of course is Victor- Last time i saw him in person he was only as high as my hip, mean as shit and yet still a sweetie. They really feed those Texas boys! I was scared to ask if they had sushi, because i'm pretty sure a mudbug is the closest thing you'll find to sushi in East TX, and people, i'm here to tell you... this is alright with me!

This is Wes, Me, Clayton and Tessa- Good times Ya'll!~

So the AMAZING superbowl party, went off without a hitch..I found out an hour after the game was over who won and celebrated my own little version of celebratoin for the saints, who truly deserved to win.... by eating a few mudbugs in the hotest cajun sauce i'vef had since going to actual Mardi Gras.

Many Friends seen on the way, not nearly enough pictures of them, that just means lots of socializing and catching up. I think i'll be having a TX visitor in a few weeks... I sure hope my small excentric town of Eureka can sustain his designer wearing Texas slang and cowboy boots! Guess we'll be putting you to the Test Mr. Hannah

And, one more for the ROAD- Until next time boys................

You've always been my brothers, even if i haven't seen you in over seven years. I can't wait to see Levi and Evan again, all in good time. And, as you can tell............... good times......... had by all............. Victor... really? the tongue ring? Those are so 90's! :) tee hee

peace love and cheers my friends..... PROMISE i'll have more for you soon.....er... than later................ probly tomorrow. :) much love.

Dark Days of Summer: Part 2

After speaking to my dad yesterday i realized............ it's been six years since she died. Apparently i've been stuck in this cave longer than I thought because somehow, I lost an entire year. I CAN do math, i promise, maybe it's because i dont remember the entire first year after the loss. In any case, imagine my surprise and the pain when I ran into that brick wall yesterday.

Continued............
After hearing her read her note, over and over again in my head the cold earth beneth me began to grow colder and wetter. Her voice was finally gone and all i could hear were the drops again, the tear drops falling to the wet ground beneith me. I felt something suddenly in the palm of my hand, it was small and hard, mis shapen and cold, just like everything else around me. I tried with all my mite to see this thing, but couldn't make out what it was or how it got into my hand. It wasn't a rock, it appeared to be metal, solid metal. In my other hand appeared another metal piece, it was easier to make out. It was longer, hollow in the middle, cold metal with a ridge at the end of it. REalizing with a sickness in my stomach, exactly what it was- a shell casing, oddly the piece in my other hand fit in it perfectly. It was the slug, the one that took her life.

I sat there in the dark, now freezing and scared. no longer crying but starting to understand my surroundings. I realized she had given them to me. The bullet, and the casing, and the note... though hard to read, and rarly remembered were all here for a reason. No longer had the last tear dried from my face than i started to feel a warm breeze, a sweet smell of honey suckle and a flicker of light. I slowly stand up, weak from the emotional drain of the experiance and suffering. HOlding myself against the wet cool wall of the cave I wonder towards the light in awe, still clutching the metal pieces in each hand. As I grow closer and closer, the breeze warms my cold fridged skin and the smell becomes more and more inviting. I can see the blue of the sky now, and I know that i'm almost out of the cave until i come to realize that I must climb to get out. The sky is above me, the sun barley able to reach my pale cold skin. Looking now at the two pieces i've cluched in my hands i realize I have to leave them behind in order to climb out. I know she gave them to me for a reason, as a reminder - but holding onto them will only keep me here, in this cold dark place where I dont belong even longer and i know where she wants me to be. I kiss the cold metal pieces and place them on the ground, around it I draw a heart and like magic they dissapear into the ground, the heart begins to light up, showing me roots on the climb up that i'm able to grasp as i climb. REaching for the first one I could feel a sort of magic around me, helping me find more and more places to grasp, more and more energy I'd not had in me moments before in order to get me to the top. Mud and rocks falling in my face and my hands bleeding from the pain of the climb I continue this for what seems like hours. My fingernails hurt, but the closer i get to the top, the stronger i feel and the better the sun feels on my skin. I rise out of the opening, and standing there is my daughter, surrounded by every friend i've ever had in my life. All of the people who i love and love me so dearly- even ones i've not met face to face. Each of these people have pushed me, pulled me or given me pep talks along the way to help me climb out of this hole and continue with the life i was meant to lead. each of them smiling- each of them giving me strength to continue and every second I realize they were sent to me by her.... even before she died. The entire clearning is surrounded by people, honey suckles and sun.

It's like heaven.... to me... I pick up my daughter, her grasp tight around my neck as she tells me 'I love you mommy, i can't wait to be a mommy just like you'. Life is good, the climb has been painful and what i'm leaving behind is and always will be with me, but nothing compared to the beauty that surrounds me in this lifetime!

Thank you- all of you, for your encouraging words, your laughter on rainy days, your jokes when i need a smile, your hug when the crying hurts so badly that i can't breath, the words of wisdom because you've been there, the empathy because you've not, the kindness you've shared, the pain you have healed and the time you have spent in my life.

Peace and Love to you all- ALL of you! I am lucky to have each of you in my life.


Tomorrows post will be a full account of her death. The day she died, the day before she died, the last words we spoke and a full account of my memory. It will be in tragic detail and I ask that if you do not want to know what i saw, felt and delt with taht you simply skip it. It is, however something i have to put on paper before i continue my book, and for you to fully understand ME as a person and how far i've come since her death. Much love to you all. Bambi

Thankful Thursday!~ (It makes more sense than things that make me laugh today)

Ah, This week seems to be flying by... of course I say that NOW, while face first in a seven pound taco salad! I tell you what, I have eaten at least 8 full meals the last two days and all be damned if i cant get full. It's about to kill the button on my jeans, at any minute now I fully expect it to pop off and richochet off the cubical wall landing in my eye........ I'll keep you updated, or maybe i'll unbutton my pants?? WAit, CAN that be sexual harassment in the workplace? I better not i guess.

I woke up today as hungry as an ethiopian. I dont say that out of FUN or that I dont feel sorry for those people, but literally. I ate two crackers and thought i was going to blow up! I thought at first that 'Finally, those two crackers filled the 'spot' that has caused me to eat like a growing pony the past few days' but, no.... here i sit, still not able to eat fast enough... or enough period! So it's finally Thursday and since I have nothing wittier to tell you today otehr than the fact that my wasteline is expanding at an alarming rate - here we are with my Thursday Thankful List:

* I am thankful for stretchy jean material, even though i'm not wearing stretchy jean material today........WTF was I thinking? I knew I should have saved some maternity clothes for days like this!

* Mrs. Kaiser- My daughters Kindergarten 'summer school' teacher. If not for her, my daughter would be a total mess all day at school (and likly still stuck to my leg as i sit here). This isn't funny, not in the least. She cries every morning when i drop her at school... not because, like me, all the kids make fun of her name... NO... why? Well, it's because everyone is bigger than her... everything is big! :) so cute... So this morning while sitting in the Gym that I once graced with my ugly duckling presents with at her age. I looked across to the North wall to see the Eagle, the school mascot, but not just any eagle... THE same eagle that was there, that the seniors had painted the year I came to school (second grade) I'm almost 29 peeps- seriously... time to redo the mascot?? I think so! In any case trying to get my daughter off my leg, I pointed to it. Told her that it was there when I was in school and asked her how old she thought it was...... to which she replied "I dunno, 800?" Yep... That's right Jaida- Mommy turns 800 this year, and DAMMN do I look goooooood! :) (Someone roll me off a cliff if I live to see 75... seriously)

* I'm so super Thankful for my follwers- shallow? Maybe? But i'm up to 42 and damn proud of that. I will tell you all... I visit your blogs at least once a week even if i dont always comment. Somehow one of my favorite bloggers the Sass is gone from my RSS feed so now I have to manually go see her, what a crock of shit that is! :) Kidding Sass- but really... for some reason your RSS is blocked from me here at work... did you go all XXX on us?? :) AND those of you who read all the time, and comment to me on email, or text or IM... would you PLEASE just sign up already and be a follower... it makes me feel special (pink helmet with lightnight strike special)

* At this very moment, i'm very thankful that my stomach has decided to turn me a bit sick vs. actually eating the rest of this damn taco salad... really... I think i might throw up- eat more crap Bambi- can't you tell it's good for you!!

* Thankful for the days when I work IN the office. Why- Well lemme tell ya: 1. I appreciate my home more. 2. I get to see all the people I used to see, but sadly spend most of my day catching up with them- so case in point, i am more productive when i work from home! 3. I am reminded so often how different my life would be right now had things worked out how I planned for three years... I'm thankful that life chose a different path for me 4. The drive here is beautiful and makes me thankful for where I live! 5. I'm thankful I get to work at home!!!! 6. Did I mention working from home is much better on me production wise? 7. But... all that said, it's still nice to see my friends here at work.

*I'm thankful for the rain- because after the past two weeks of thinking i mysteriously moved to Seattle and didn't know it, the days when the sun comes out (like right now) make the week of grey clouds and tornado warnings much more bearable and cheerful.

*I'm thankful for my damn tattoos- all of them... espeically the one I posted a picture of... I dont see it, ever... so.... i thought i'd share with you so I could see it today! ha


It's a beautiful day today- if you didn't already pick THAT up from the last post. I would give my big toe on either foot to be sitting in the sun around the pool, or lake (whatever, it's not like i swim much) with a huge Pina Colada (double shot of course) and sand between my toes, in which case if i were at the pool would make the sand between the toes a bit awkward now wouldnt it???hummmmm... anyways, it sounded nice. Thanks for hanging in there once again to make it through a totally random and a bit of kiltered Thursday. Peace OUT Ya'll.... (as i throw you a gang sign... like i even know a gang sign!)

What a beautiful weekend my friends!Friday night papa came down, he and i took Jaida on over to Jenni's where we met her and the boys and headed downtown to the park. Free music around blues festival is always a bonus, and their are vendors elbow to elbow with new and interesting pieces of art or jewlery. After hanging out by the fountain, diving for Mardi Gras beads by the various cars strolling around handing them out we enjoyed the festive magical feeling that is EUREKA:




Brendan


Bradley





After hanging out in the park, we decided to go grab dinner at the Pied Piper (Cat House) They had a great band there too!




Jenni took the kids to her house, and papa and I watched the rest of this particular band play and then headed back to get the kiddo. It was a nice, relaxing low key evening! You just can't beat that.

SATURDAY- BIRTHDAY PARTY DAY!
From the second I opened my eyes, until i finally laid down that night it was ON. Busy as all get out! I dont think i sat more than a full five minutes at a time. Jaidas birthday party was a successs. Cooper and Adyson came- that was her big surprise, the kids missed eachother and were inseperable. Papa made it down too and we had a great time, watching the kids swim, eating sandiwhiches and melted cupcakes in the sun. Good Times.







Jaida, is one of those kids that no matter how worn out they get, they stay in the water, damn near UNDER the water the entire time, and are morphing into fish right in front of your eyes, minus the tail fin.




When we finally got her to come out of the water, it was hard not to laugh yourself into a dizzy state of mind- i mean really... it's hilarious and cute at the same time


So then we opened presents and had a few snacks for the break.









Of course anytime you have to take a break from swimming non stop in order to open your presents- you then need a snack and a short nap. The girls worked together to get the chairs set up 'just right'





While the kids were spacing out into their own water logged world, we all got to have a little giddy kid fun ourselves... as always.











All in all it was a beautiful weekend. We couldn't have asked for better weather, better friends or better cupcakes. Jaida turned 5 with a smile on her face and pool water in her hair. I still can't believe she's five now, but i'm proud of her, i'm thankful for her more than anything in this entire lifetime, this beautiful young girl is the most amazing person I could ever know, or have the pleasure to know like i do. She will be a great success someday, she already is and she's still my baby... .always will be. I know she wont read this until it makes a book someday (fingers crossed) but she is my world, the greatest woman i know and i can't wait to see what she is like later in life. Thank you my little girl, for making me the person and mother i am today. you have completed my life!

Thursday, Thursday.........

.... was my beautiful daughter Jaidas birthday. She turned five on May 28th- yes, i said it... FIVE. It is weird to look into the eyes of your child who can literally out talk nearly every person in their life... including grandparents (this is NOT a put down to the kid.... it's sheer amazement of her knowledge at her age) Since I can remember, every year on my birthday, my mom would wake me up to the Beatles Birthday song, along with my favorite cake. I started this tradition with Jaida right out of the gate, because well.... it has to live on in our family! I didn't get a chance to play the White Album yesterday, because I had left it in the office so I just sang it to her- which caused her to wake up nearly laughing with tears (poor kid needs a hearing aid now) I got up super early to be sure i had a fresh cupcake for her- I couldn't find any candles so I used her favorite 'storm' candle and this is what she saw when she woke up.



She was excited to make her first wish as a 'big girl' and even went as far as to TRY and tell me what it was she wished for.........but we put a stop to that. We all know wishes dont come true if we tell what the wish is!


She didn't eat much of the cupcake, which is fine with me.... it took her a little bit to really wake up, surprisingly even after i SANG. The dogs gave her snuggies and we sat around talking about what she wanted for her birthday (her party is Saturday) and who might be there and such.


Scamps is always up for a good conversation, bad breath and all. Jaida even tried to give him some of her cupcake to 'sweeten' his breath, but he wouldn't take it :)


We got all dressed up, and fixed her hair. Headed off to meet her daddy for his part of her birthday. She was so excited to go to Chuck E Cheese, as a big girl for the first time.




After I dropped her off with her dad, i finished the day in the office. It was a highly productive day, even with ghosts everywhere I turned. I got home last night and began wrapping what I could afford for Jaida's birthday presents when I heard the dogs growling at something as if they were going to 'eat' it. I glanced out the front door and saw her:


She stood there, such grace and elegance. Each time a dog would bark her muscles would tighten and her ears purk up. Slowly, she would let her gaurd down and begin to take a step, and freeze again, as soon as the dogs would alarm. I stood there, camera in hand taking pictures through the glass of the front door. Every window in the house was open and I know she heard me speak, as she looked confused when I would signal for the dogs to quiet up. It was almost, as if when i looked through the lense, she was looking right back at me, with a kind and almost magical sparkle in her eyes:

We stared back and fourth at one another in a silent conversation that would go on for what seemed like forever. Finally the dogs began again and this time she decided to hide: (giggle giggle- you can't see her... can you?)


Didn't think so!~ :) She finally walked off, joining the other 3-4 family members that linger in the bushes, but it was our moment- Bambi and Doe- funny huh? I thought it was magnificant!



As I sit here breathing in the calm of the day- the beauty that is and the things to come, I can't help but be thankful for all that my life holds. I can't wait to take Jaida into town for the free music in the park, introduce her to REAL Blues music, live and buy her a sucker the size of her head as her birthday treat. Then we'll come home, finish cupcakes for her party tomorrow and snuggle up before bed to a good movie. Whatever the weekend has in store for you my friends, I hope it is a fabulous one in deed. May the sun kiss your face in a soft and warming manner, the rain drops cool your lips with the kindest of motion and the wind blow your hair from your site. Time flys- especially when it comes to children. I wish someone had warned me so long ago that it would be overnight and she would be starting school. Maybe they did, maybe i didn't listen? In any case.... I'm stuck here, in this happiness of watching a beautiful young girl grow up, and sadness of seeing my baby become a girl. *sniff sniff* I am going to sit in the sun for a moment and recharge. I hope you have a safe and happy weekend my friends. Go find some live music and let it feed your soul! Cheers