Awakening: A book I am Creating from my soul

I opened my eyes slowly, unsure of the sound that I heard. It was early, or late … in whatever sense you chose to call it, it was 3:47AM. Suddenly the sound came again, only louder this time. I sat up to see a shadow standing at my bedroom doors. They are glass, and behind the dark figure I see the bright light of the moon echoing off of the freshly fallen snow.


I pulled the blankets back slowly and leaned towards my feet, searching for the floor with my toes. My eyes never left the dark outline of the figure as my feet softly touched the cool wooden floors beneath me. I knew who it was. I could feel him. The second I saw the shadowy figure at my bedroom door, I knew exactly who it was. I could still see just his outline. The snow, lighting up the trees behind him in the distance. I unlocked the sliding glass door wondering if this was real, knowing it was him.

As I pushed the door back I could smell him instantly mixed with the brisk winter air that brushed against my face. Like a whirlwind I was in his arms and intertwined as if no time had passed. We didn’t speak. He pulled me back, only enough to grab my face as he had always done, and bring my face towards his. Even in the dark I could see his eyes. Blue like the most perfect summer day. Pressing his soft lips against mine, holding me there, capturing me with his gaze. I couldn’t help but rush my fingers through his hair, it was what he used to call it when it was ‘long’ to him… just enough that a small curl would form at the base of his hairline in the back side. It was the same; the fine, soft hair twisted and retreated through my fingers like water through sand. He pulled me up, hugging me tightly as if it had been an eternity since we last touched, and it had.

Standing still in embrace, my hands in his hair, my cheek against his neck and my face tucked slightly to his shoulder, I felt safe again, home, perfect………

I felt his heart beat as if it were my own our breaths were nearly in sync as we held one another silently in the dark shadows of the snowy morning. Not a word was exchanged, only our breaths… in and out. Deeply breathing in the scent I’d once known so well.

The excitement of his presence must have caused a time lapse because the next thing I knew we were slowly moving over the bed, sliding into place like two puzzle pieces. It was nothing of perversion, sexual lust or anything of the sort. It was a passion, a yearning, a dying need being fed…it felt right, it felt natural…. It was. And there we laid, tangled and wrapped around one another just breathing I felt a tear drop on my neck……………and there I lay, crying in my sleep. The clock says 7:32 AM.



I brushed the wetness from my neck, it was my tear… I looked next to me, expecting to see him, feel him still here, warm next to me like it was supposed to be, like it was just a moment ago. He was gone. I could still smell him….feel him. My heart raced. I sat directly up looking immediately at the door, the snow still lit up the ground around the naked winter trees and there was still snow on the deck outside of the door. Instinct caused me to look for them. The footprints, the proof. The real true sign that he was there, that this was real that he was there with me but the snow was untouched, perfect and soft in its silent existence. It was a dream. He was no more. He had been gone forever now. Maybe he wasn’t really ever there to start with, but he was the most realistic definition of love that my mind could ever wrap it’s self around.

*Comment my Friends, let me know what you think................... I have my book coming together quickly and love your feedback- chuck Dilmore... you still out there??? You're the Author- love to hear from you. Hugs my friends, hope all is well.

A Memory Lost in Time

Occasionally out of the blue, a song will come on the radio, or shuffle on your iPod that seemingly catches you off track. It immediately puts a smile on your face, takes you back 15 years in an instant. To a place you knew and still know as one of the happiest times of your life. You close your eyes for a moment, standing face to the sun and let the memory sweep you off your feet, back in time, to that very moment.


I sit here, eyes closed and I can smell sandalwood incense mixed with the rush of ‘Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door’ Perfume. The beat starts slow…. “la la la la, la……” just acoustic Guitar and the soft sweet voice of Cat Stevens breaks in….. “Now that I’ve lost everything to you, you say you want to start something new……….” I hear her voice chime in as she enters from the other room in my minds’ eye I see it as if it were right now, feel the positive happy energy of a home created with love and smiles, happiness and a lot of sweat and tears.



She’s standing in the kitchen, the sunlight bouncing off of her bright blonde hair as if she were coming out of the sun itself. “Ohhh baby baby it’s a wild world” she grabs my hand and twirls me around “it’s hard to get by, just upon a smile”. Her eyes so bright when she looks at me I can’t help but laugh and then twirl her as she did me. As we dance, there in the spring afternoon… the windows open letting in the cool crisp air, it swirls in with the scent of her perfume and incense making a permanent mark in my heart, my mind and most importantly my soul.



“You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do”, she sings softly holding her hand across her heart with a look of intensity in her eyes. She always sang this song to me it wasn’t just a song for us, it was her message… through the art of a man so many didn’t understand directly to me, yet I wouldn’t realize that until she was gone…. “and it’s breaking my heart in two, cause I never want to see you sad girl…. Don’t be a bad girl!”…. “If you wanna leave take good care, hope you make a lot of nice friends out there, just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware!.... ooh baby baby it’s a wild world……it’s hard to get by just upon a smile. Oh baby baby it’s a wild world and I’ll always remember you like a child girl (la la la mixed with piano) BABY I LOVE YOU!” (we would sing as loudly as possible)

By this time we are moving around the room like I used to imagine hippies did at Woodstock, eyes closed holding hands, swaying back and forth singing softly to one another dancing in and out of the smoky rays of sun coming through the windows with the bright spring colors following, as if they had joined our soul dance.



“I’ll always remember you, like a child girl……………. “ the song faded away just as softly as it had begun. Opening my eyes, I realize I’m not there, in that house with my mom, but for a minute I was. A small tear forms in the corner of my eye. Wiping it away and breathing in, sitting up straight in my chair, a tear falls involuntarily before I can catch it with my aged fingers, the fingers that are starting to look like hers, but with finger nails. I smile glancing inconspicuously into the reflection of the picture of her and I, checking to be sure my makeup wasn’t smeared where the small drop of emotion had escaped. It’s all good. I got to be 15 again, even if just for a moment, even if just in a day dream, a memory, She was here with me, memory or not I can still smell her and I can’t help but smile. I hear her in my voice sometimes, I see her reflection as I walk past a mirror. I try to avoid it mostly, it’s the only thing that makes the day bearable sometimes … just knowing that a huge part of me is just like her, it makes it easy not to miss her as much.



There is a little brown eyed girl sitting in school right now, she has her daddy’s eyes and nose, but her mommy’s smile and the same spark that runs in the eye of every woman in our family. It’s a fire. It burns deep, it’s strong. It’s what gets us through the tough days and lights us up on the great ones. It’s the god within us, there passed down from generation to generation to remind us when we do catch that glimpse, that spark, that fire………. To hold our head up, smile and keep on dancing!

Thursday- Things that make me laugh or smile

I've decided to dedicate one day a week to the things in this world that make me laugh or maybe just smile. Since my posts are kind of boring and follow the same trek - meaning they are NOT random at all (ha) i'm going to put a little structure into my Day in the Life so here goes:

• Laugh- When my dog scamps goes outside and runs in circles around the front yard. he runs so hard and fast that he literally flips rocks at the house. This is a 6 pound Maltese that looks like a white floor mop with eyeballs. It IS one of the cutest, and funniest things to see... Seriously!



• Smile- When my daughter takes a bath in 'my' tub. The bathtub is a jet tub in the corner of my bedroom, so I can sit on the bed and read, make grocery lists etc while she is off in her own little world of bubbles. The funny part is when i've gotten so INTO whatever it is that i'm doing and I happen to look up, she's standing in the tub, nearly overflowing with bubbles, painting the tile with the bubble pile on her head. It's not so fun to clean up, but it's hilarious while she does it and quite calming to watch (until i realize how long it's going to take to clean it up)



• Laugh: This- morning hair, sipping milk off a spoon- THIS makes me laugh- Nuff said:

• Smile- My house and everything around, about, and in it. I LOVE IT HERE. (have i told you that before? didn't think so)



• Laugh - Memories of people, places and things. There are so many wonderful memories it's hard NOT to get lost in them. They tickle so much it's funny!



• Smile- The fact that i've saved TWO (yes two... ) Chipmunks from death by Cat today- Watching them scamper away as Keane struggles to chase after them, working so hard to excape my grip- makes me smile... (nature... not always so pretty.. is it!)



• Laugh- This strand of beads Jaida just put around my neck- I look like Marg Simpson!



• Laugh- The fact my daughter can make JUST as good Tard faces as I can. I'm so proud- Her Fifth Birthday is in two weeks. I dont know if it is the fact she's starting school this year, that she's a foot taller than most kids her age, or the fact she already has a crush on boys... but it scares me, makes me wish in a way that she would stay his little forever, then again... i look forward to our 'friendship' when she gets old enough that I dont have to be a strict mother 'constantly'. I look forward to it all- So I think for her birthday i'll get her a pink helmet- to match Mommy's!
  

Wherever you are in the world today, if the sun is out or the rain is pouring... no matter what, no matter where. I hope you can name at least 2 things that make you laugh, or smile. Not just a surface smile a real one you feel in your soul. Not just a giggle but a deep down laugh that tickles so deep that your face hurts when it's over. There are so many things to love and laugh about in the world that it is funny when sometimes we get stuck in that storm cloud of grey and can't seem to find any of them. One day the sun comes back out, blinds us and makes us realize that we can smile and laugh about everything in our lives, even the bad. EVEN if it means getting stuck in the Denver Airport for 8 hours, Flooded in on Grande Isle, LA- Not getting to eat your favorite cheese for weeks, or saving a few chipmunks and lizard eggs. No matter what it is, that makes us smile........ we should appreciate it, laugh at it, and cherish every single moment of it. After all- we really never know when we will be making our very last memory with someone, so it should be the best it can be, at all times.

Have you told everyone you love... that you love them today? You should- maybe, it will even make you smile!

Everything Broken... CAN Be Fixed!

Silence is such a pure, and sometimes unappreciated sound. My idea of silence isn't silence at all but the rush of the wind through the trees, the birds singing and the feeling that maybe my mind can rest. This week I've been sick as hell, happier than i've been in a long time, heard the echo of the center of the universe and spent countless hours alone with my thoughts, for just a few hours of time in another world. Being closed off from entertaining the thought of 'letting' someone in your life is easy to do. It only takes one wound to make you bleed so deep internally that you build a wall you're sure nobody can tear down, just to keep the chance of emotions surfacing to a small percent. The fact is.....I dont think you can be so broken you dont care anymore, no matter how hard you try. YES, we all get broken! Yes, we all fall in love. YES, we all get hurt (sometimes many times over and over) only to tell ourselves never again out of pain when the wound starts to heal into an ugly scar. Sometimes we have no choice but to let people in, maybe it isn't really a choice at all? Maybe, it takes a lot of breaks to heal right? Maybe giving up isn't really the answer.......... or maybe it is, because about the time you throw your hands in the air, stop caring and turn to stone- someone comes along and makes you realize, or at least feel like you are not broken at all, not really it just feels that way.

Purity, in the eyes of a human is rare... at least into adulthood (from what I've seen). Broken, tainted, stained whatever you want to call it, we're all that way.......... but then you happen upon a broken person, on the mend..... with more purity and heart in one glance and more laughter provoking behavior than you imagined you would see again unless looking into a childs eyes.

Its only Thursday. ONLY, it's been a long week.......I'm tiered, i'm recovering, I'm still a tad weak but none of it matters right now because I stood in the center of the universe. I heard something awaken inside of me that i'm not sure i've heard in a while but something, in the sound of my voice, in that miraculous place, where seemingly the entire world could hear my thoughts I recognized someone i once knew. That person I was before life tainted me, broke my heart or stained my path with it's roller coaster ride of a show. My heart is beating again..... in a figure of speaking of course....not a shallow dull beat blocked off so that it is safe from anyone i encounter but a heavy beat, a solid beat.... the sound beat of purity and emotion.

Tomorrow all of my best friends (most of them that can make it) will be here by evening... dressed in their best heels, hair tousled just right and a smile on their faces. It's not often that people make friends at such young ages like I have and kept them for 20 years.......in fact, when each of us mention each other to our new groups of friends, co workers, what have you......... it seems nearly un heard of to have such a close bond after all these years. I've realized lately how lucky i really am to have the friends in my life that i do. I have the life long friends 'the girls'... the ones that make me laugh so much i have abs of steel until my next cheese bender. I have the ones i made later as a teenager, the ones who pop back into life to remind you of who you were, who you are and how far you come just by the reflection in their eyes, and the new ones that you miss when you dont get a text from them every day. I've always appreciated all of these people, but i guess when i closed off my heart, put up my wall, i blocked out a lot of emotions that i never meant to and it's nice to feel them coming back.

I am off to bed, I have a long day of work ahead of me tomorrow, shopping, snack preparation and sadly, cleaning of my daughters room (ugh) before my company arrives. I just thought i'd let the people know, if they read this, how much they all really mean to me and how thankful I am for them in my life. (even if i dont answer phone calls............. :)

I hope your day was productive....emotionally, physically, professionally or whatever. I hope your day was shorter than mine! :) But I also hope the sun was as eager to kiss your nose as it was mine.......... I think i added a few fine lines and wrinkles around the eyes today...... you know......... the good kind! Hugs to you my friends........ rest well..... you never know what Friday may bring! If it feels right, live in the moment and go with the flow! Cheers!