Thunderous Thursday

It's not often that I can lay awake at night not thinking at all. Visions and dreams, conversations and emotions rushing through my veins to the point it sometimes burns. In the past few months my passion for life seems to go up, then down then up then down and for me, it's not normal. It really isn't. I guess it is the upcoming date -8 days from now that scares me. Maybe I dont know how to handle five years without my best friend. In any case, the next tattoo- the five year is being created in my mind, i wish now I could put my words into a picture and tell the entire story.

There are certain times in life, maybe an era, a day, an entire month or just an hour that it looks and feels like NOTHING we do can possibly go our way… the more positive you think, the harder you work to make things better for others, the more disappointed and difficult things become. I guess there are just times in our lives when we have to admit defeat, wave the white flag and just breath in as deep as we can. Stop, for as long as our minds will let us and asses the situation for what it really is. Life.

I don’t think life is easy, don’t get me wrong. I have figured out that no matter what happens in life though, it is defiantly worth it.

The thing about it is, without the hard times and the sad days... the beautiful sunny ones wouldn't be as appreciated would they? Without the loss of a loved one, we wouldn't know the importance of those we still have on a day to day basis. Without the loss of love, how would you ever know you felt it - and once you find it again.... you'll know because it will far outweigh the first time.

All things do happen for a reason- Though Im out of the creative banter this morning and wish to leave you with a poem (if you've read this long) you have already read- but the cool part is when a good friend blogger turned it into a song:


Lost in Translation
Walking through this lifetime

my head up on the clouds.

I wonder through the streets at night

as if i'm wrapped in shrouds.


Looking in the mirror

i see a different face

not knowing just exactly when

but another time, another place.


She has the brightest look in her eyes

the smoothest grin on her face

she turns away from me then,

she's gone without a trace.


I know her soul, as if it were my own,

I see her sitting there tied tightly to her thrown.

Thinking to herself at night,

about the life she once left behind

how one time the world felt right

it just wasn't the right kind.


and so i stumble patiently,

along this curvy path

Not knowing how the signs should read

They're not written on my map.


I hear her voice, and feel her pain

her image i cannot seem to find

i hold my head up to the rain

searching for piece of mind.


And so it goes, and carrys on

this simple life of mine

i'll find that girl, i saw back then

another place and time.


For now she hides beneath a smile

held softly on my face

for i know that all the while

Shes me, in a whimsical place!

Everything Broken... CAN Be Fixed!

Silence is such a pure, and sometimes unappreciated sound. My idea of silence isn't silence at all but the rush of the wind through the trees, the birds singing and the feeling that maybe my mind can rest. This week I've been sick as hell, happier than i've been in a long time, heard the echo of the center of the universe and spent countless hours alone with my thoughts, for just a few hours of time in another world. Being closed off from entertaining the thought of 'letting' someone in your life is easy to do. It only takes one wound to make you bleed so deep internally that you build a wall you're sure nobody can tear down, just to keep the chance of emotions surfacing to a small percent. The fact is.....I dont think you can be so broken you dont care anymore, no matter how hard you try. YES, we all get broken! Yes, we all fall in love. YES, we all get hurt (sometimes many times over and over) only to tell ourselves never again out of pain when the wound starts to heal into an ugly scar. Sometimes we have no choice but to let people in, maybe it isn't really a choice at all? Maybe, it takes a lot of breaks to heal right? Maybe giving up isn't really the answer.......... or maybe it is, because about the time you throw your hands in the air, stop caring and turn to stone- someone comes along and makes you realize, or at least feel like you are not broken at all, not really it just feels that way.

Purity, in the eyes of a human is rare... at least into adulthood (from what I've seen). Broken, tainted, stained whatever you want to call it, we're all that way.......... but then you happen upon a broken person, on the mend..... with more purity and heart in one glance and more laughter provoking behavior than you imagined you would see again unless looking into a childs eyes.

Its only Thursday. ONLY, it's been a long week.......I'm tiered, i'm recovering, I'm still a tad weak but none of it matters right now because I stood in the center of the universe. I heard something awaken inside of me that i'm not sure i've heard in a while but something, in the sound of my voice, in that miraculous place, where seemingly the entire world could hear my thoughts I recognized someone i once knew. That person I was before life tainted me, broke my heart or stained my path with it's roller coaster ride of a show. My heart is beating again..... in a figure of speaking of course....not a shallow dull beat blocked off so that it is safe from anyone i encounter but a heavy beat, a solid beat.... the sound beat of purity and emotion.

Tomorrow all of my best friends (most of them that can make it) will be here by evening... dressed in their best heels, hair tousled just right and a smile on their faces. It's not often that people make friends at such young ages like I have and kept them for 20 years.......in fact, when each of us mention each other to our new groups of friends, co workers, what have you......... it seems nearly un heard of to have such a close bond after all these years. I've realized lately how lucky i really am to have the friends in my life that i do. I have the life long friends 'the girls'... the ones that make me laugh so much i have abs of steel until my next cheese bender. I have the ones i made later as a teenager, the ones who pop back into life to remind you of who you were, who you are and how far you come just by the reflection in their eyes, and the new ones that you miss when you dont get a text from them every day. I've always appreciated all of these people, but i guess when i closed off my heart, put up my wall, i blocked out a lot of emotions that i never meant to and it's nice to feel them coming back.

I am off to bed, I have a long day of work ahead of me tomorrow, shopping, snack preparation and sadly, cleaning of my daughters room (ugh) before my company arrives. I just thought i'd let the people know, if they read this, how much they all really mean to me and how thankful I am for them in my life. (even if i dont answer phone calls............. :)

I hope your day was productive....emotionally, physically, professionally or whatever. I hope your day was shorter than mine! :) But I also hope the sun was as eager to kiss your nose as it was mine.......... I think i added a few fine lines and wrinkles around the eyes today...... you know......... the good kind! Hugs to you my friends........ rest well..... you never know what Friday may bring! If it feels right, live in the moment and go with the flow! Cheers!