Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Bring It ON!


Though my blogging has become less, even the book I have been so hell bent to finish writing set aside, I am not sure my issue is actually 'writers block' as much as it is just life getting in the way. It's funny, one minute you know yourself, inside and out and within weeks you are upside down trying to figure out how your head got so far up your own ass.

2011 was hard, but so was 2010... and I am making the decision right NOW that 2012 has no chance of being a bad year for me, I refuse to let it happen. In the past two years I have had to leave the one town, the one house I felt truly at home (Arkansas... Eureka Springs) The one place I felt like being me, and being different actually was accepted (no I am NOT gay, I just see the world WAY differently than people in the conventional world and there It was OK to speak it here in MO, not so much without someone telling you that you're going to hell for practicing Buddhism or saying that Jesus is just a man like Buddha, Not a god just a teacher and a great man... nothing more... that's how I feel!!! I'm NOT sorry!).... when I left, I came back to a place where everyone knows me, knew my parents, whisperer's about how my mom died,  watched me grow up, blah blah blah and I had this heavy feeling that I couldn't be who I found out I really was. It isn't like I had anything to hide, I just worried too much HERE that people would judge me, daily. You know what, They have, and they will continue to do so, but the truth is they did it to me when I was in Eureka too. Why it took me 31 years to figure out that no matter where you go, how comfortable you feel there or happy you are, there will and have always been people who will judge you and do everything in their power to push you face down in the mud only to pull you back out just before you drown so they can see the fear on your face.

Fuck them, feed em beans, they're gassed up if they think they're stopping me! I'ma be what i set out to be :) Thanks Em for that little line :) *Eminem*

So anyways, it's a new year, another start to another new beginning. With the end of the world looming less than a year away (insert major sarcasm here) I figure it's time to make some REAL changes, get myself back on the track I was on WHEN I WAS IN THE HAPPIEST PLACE OF MY LIFE... just because I don't have that beautiful house anymore, or live in the one place I THOUGHT made me whole doesn't mean I am not. The Buddha teaches us that we are what we think.... and when shit slid downhill I let my thoughts take me there too. No more of that! I am climbing that hill again and not a damn thing will stand in my way!

I've started working out again, and realized how wonderful it feels to literally SEE the energy flow back into my body. I started meditating again, and connecting my mind to my body through both exercises and prayer have really made a difference. No big surprise I know, but it's a step forward out of a really dark place that I was in. It's scary to admit it when we are in that place. The one where we would rather sleep 12 hours of the day than face ANYONE, even our loved ones. The place where things that used to make us laugh, annoy us and the feelings we had towards things we once loved we turn into hate because we are too lazy or scared to FEEL it anymore. FUCK THAT! That's not who I am, That's not who I want to be! Sure, we all have shitty things happen to us in life, maybe some of us more than others but it's HOW we deal with it, i just have to keep reminding myself! The thing is, nobody else can do it for us, they can help... I can say, encouraging words have done wonders for me, compliments from people I had no idea gave a rats ass, those bring us a long ways but in the end it is ourselves who have to make the final step and say that is enough! Life might have won this battle (the past two years) but I'm going to fucking WIN this war and there is nothing that will stand in my way.

So here is to 2012- The beginning of greatness, the end of darkness and the discovery of the light once distinguished, it was always there... it was just barley glowing.

Peace and Love my Friends, may this new year be the one to bring you to new levels of life as well!

Namaste!