Bah-Humbug

It's cold here, ice covered trees and muddy fields echoing the grey skies of winter, it bores me, makes me want to sleep. My body hurts, as if I were 30 years older and my mind races to the point of exhaustion, I don't feel like I can get enough sleep. Typically I can escape into the dream world, before going to sleep trying to set my intentions on amazing things so that when I wake, I feel the resolution of the dream, the good ones. Lately they haven't been great, not even a little bit and they are starting to scare me. I know the point of it all, I GET what my soul is trying to tell me, it's a matter of changing things in my waking world that I'm having issues with. STAY busy. THAT saves me from the thoughts in the daylight but when I close my eyes the reality of the pain hidden by day creeps back in and tears the band aid off my heart causing an overflow of emotion. Today I woke up screaming AND crying. Happy Fucking Holidays kid- another year with no family, no mother, alone. I typically let my daughter stay with her dad for most of all holidays, at least the majority of the time. I don't see the point in keeping her here bored out of her mind with me, when she can be with a huge family, playing with cousins and having sleep overs with them. This year I get her on XMAS Eve though, and I'm elated that for once I wont be alone with my thoughts, the memories of a season I used to love. You can lose a million people in this lifetime but it never gets easier, not times like this. It's been almost ten years since my mother left this earth and without her during the holidays, I just don't care anymore. I pretend really well for my daughter. I put up a tree, wrap presents and cook a meal like any other family but in the end while everyone else lays around their grandparents house, laughing and catching up over a cocktail or chocolate milk, I can't help but sit here and stare at this empty house. I remember when i was little, how magical this place was. My mom made Christmas, it was never about presents... it was about OUR presence as a family. I never did get much in the way of gifts, nothing real spectacular but it didn't matter, getting anything back then was HUGE. We didn't have money to blow on toys or game systems we sat around the table and played board games. The house would always smell of homemade food, ham, turkey, which ever my mom decided we would have that year. The house was filled with a certain kind of warmth, a love that is unexplainable. Christmas eve night we would sit by candle light with the radio on the Christmas Carol, and being the little dork I was, I would act out every scene while my parents had cocktails and laughed, I had fresh hot chocolate with as many marshmallows that i could fit in my cup. Waking up Christmas morning - the one last gift that Santa had left, and how his notes always resembled my mothers beautiful handwriting. Even after i found out he wasn't real, they still left me that ONE morning gift. The sizzle of bacon is gone, the background of Christmas music doesn't play here, right now only classical. Amazing how life has changed me through the years, how my belief system has been tested and altered. How in a matter of ten years a person can go from LOVING all holidays', to wanting to sleep through them all. It's funny though, i look back at the same times every year and some well meaning person is there saying 'it will get easier with time' but it doesn't. It never has. I just get more and more resentful that she left me here alone, not one person to tell me anything about myself when i was little anymore. My step dad can't remember, my real dad doesn't know b/c he wasn't there and the rest of my family that would know are either dead or so consumed it's not worth the time to ask. So anyways, Merry Christmas, Happy ..... whatever the hell you call this next couple of days. I hope and pray you are all surrounded by loved ones that you stay warm, have a healthy meal to fill your belly and a happy heart to feed your soul. I"m working very hard on mine and cannot wait to get my daughter today and have her the next 48. Anything before or after that, can suck it. I'm working on ME, But i deserve a day to miss my mother and cry about it. Today is that day... Namaste