I am so sorry its been so long since i've posted anything new. Captain Keys- just another liar in the world of lies. here is a post i wrote for you ages ago.... hope it still applies :) so much can change in a month.
I watched an interesting movie last night. It is called “The Lovely Bones”. I was under the assumption from reading about the movie that it was about a murder (and it was) of a 14 year old girl as she watched from above as her father faught to bring her killer to justice (Mark Walberg… giddyup!) The movie started out showing the life of the family a mother, father, two daughters and a son. After the girl dies the creativity of the life after death experience is just amazing, it is, everything I would hope the ‘between’ would be and actually fit quite well the curiosity I hold for those I, myself have lost. The movie itself was disappointing, but just like real life, a lot of things never end as you had hoped they would. All in all it wasn’t the best movie I’ve seen, nor the worst and highly creative yet leaving blanks for you to fill in yourself holes in the storyline you could say. In any case, when you’ve lost someone in your life and you watch a movie like this, you tend to find your mind wandering around asking questions like ‘I wonder if this is what they felt’ etc… there is one quote that really hit me hard and was probably one of the hardest things to hold back tears- when at the end, the little girl who walks you through the movie and her murder finally ‘crosses over’ or goes ‘to heaven’ and she says “Nobody notices when we leave. I mean, the moment when we really choose to go. At best you might feel, a whisper or the wave of a whisper, undulating down. My name is Salmon, like the fish. First name: Susie. I was 14 years old, when I was murdered on December 6th 1973. I was here for a moment, and then I was gone. I wish you all, a long, and happy life.”
I remember odd things happening after my mom died, things that literally made me believe she was still here, trying to let us know she could hear us talking about her etc. Like her crystals flying off a hook hanging on the window in the kitchen, they didn’t just fall, they flew horizontally across the room hit the wall and bounced back, landing on the table before us as we were talking about her. I saw her several times in a near sleep state. She told me several things that ended up coming true mysteriously, like warnings you might say. Losing your mother is hard at any age, but three weeks before your 23rd birthday, right after you finally became friends? It sucks! I haven’t seen my mom in my dreams even or had any odd ‘happenings’ in years. Sometimes, my friends tell me of seeing her in their dreams and I get sad…… because why not me? The dreams, when I do have them are always the same, horrifying dream, not pleasant anymore if I do see her. This line… this particular quote hit me so hard last night- I wonder- when did she finally pass over? I know she’s moved on now, as I don’t feel her with me anymore unless I really focus on her and then it’s only in my heart and memory (which fades slowly with each passing year) but the memory, is really all that is left of her on this earth. I truly believe her soul has gone to rest, or in my belief, has been reborn and will continue to be reborn until she finds enlightenment on in the physical world with her spiritual self. I wonder, when WAS that whisper- because in my heart and mind this is exactly how it works. They stay, confused if they are alive or dead (maybe not all of them) some stay for a long time unable to let go of the life they left behind, some to sooth the family until they feel comfortable passing and others, maybe go immediately because they knew their time here was done. In any case, whatever you believe, whatever you might think happens in the time following your death…….. I wonder when my mom finally left? I wonder how long it will take before the memories become so faded I will have to look at a picture to always remember her face?
I find death fascinating- I always have in a way I suppose…. But once she died I became nearly obsessed with death, the afterlife, spirituality and not really religion but the beyond, what is after this life, what god intends and how he forms us on earth to be the people we become… mistakes he watches us make only to help us fix them in the end. when I get bored I read about death (www.findadeath.com) is one fascinating site! Inside look by a very interesting man ‘Michael Scott’ on the death of many of out dearly departed famous people- Recently I read that the new hearththrob Robert Pattenson believes he will die young or before a certain age. I’ve never heard anyone else openly state that before but I must admit, I feel the same way. I will be thoroughly surprised if I see the age of 40- if I do, so be it… I’ll be making the best of this life in this shell as long as I can; however since I was young I never thought I’d live an entire life and still to this day only two months from my 30th birthday, I am ok with it if I did die today. Granted, I would miss my daughter no doubt! My friends, my life- but I’m not afraid of what comes after this. I know who I’ve been in this life, I know the good I’ve done and the wrong I’ve done and in my heart I can honestly tell you I know I’ve done more good in this life than bad and I believe my afterlife, or next life will be that much better just because of who I’ve become in this one. So in any case, with the 7th anniversary of her death quickly approaching, I start to feel it in my body physically. I know it must sound crazy but the first of July every year since her passing has been a physically fucked up time. And until the DAY of the 17th, each day it gets closer, I feel more and more pain, more and more sadness and yet still a glimmer of happiness that she’s happy, where she needs to be… starting all over again with a clean slate.
Whatever your beliefs in this life may you find happiness, peace and love in every day you wake up. Find the silver lining around the damn storm clouds that seem to roll in at specific times of our lives. Seek peace within yourself, find peace with your maker and the surrounding world we live in. Forgive people as often as you can and waste no energy holding a grudge or hatred. Why not spend what time we have on this earth loving, smiling and making the world a better place in any way we can, even if it is just a smile to a person who otherwise would scowel at you and the rest of the world.
There is too much on this earth to smile about, even with the horrible things going on around us. No matter what the situation!!! There is always sunshine after the rain!!!!!! If you’re lucky you get to be directly under the rainbow! Peace!
Merrie made a beautiful Preggers Brides maid
