Stepping Stones and Lessons Learned

So, I was talking to someone from my past recently. Not just anyone, at one time he was my everything, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this person and never have to wonder again. It was the first man I fell in love with. I was young though, coming out of a divorce nothing was 'right' about the few years we spent together, yet even after it ended I often dreamed of him I even have a book I started about a dream he was in, but it's sat stagnite in the archives for several years now. Until April of last year I'd not felt a certain twinge in my soul since him but I always knew in the back of my mind it was a ridiculous thing that had to happen in my life to make me realize what I was worth, what I wanted and what I didn't want. Well then last April came around and I morphed back into this person who suddenly believed the fairy tales were true and that I had found my one, and would live happily ever after. Today, as I sat in a gymnasium waiting for my daughter musical to begin I caught a scent I'd not experienced in years, it was HIS cologne. Butterflies whipped up in my stomach like I flew back in time. I realized the gentleman close to me must have taken a bath in this cologne because then the smell began to burn my nose, then my eyes and I had to find a reason to move it was too much. It made me think, right then.... how glad I am to have gotten away from that person in a relationship standpoint when I did. I cannot imagine the woman i would be today had I remained blind to the truth and let that toxic back and fourth continue. All these years now, and talking to him is like speaking with an old classmate. Give or take, emotionally I'm not affected at all. I couldn't help but think about him, and then my most recent heart break side by side. The only two men I've ever LOVED from spirit to soul and I look back now and realize I didn't know his soul at all, fuck I was dumb in my 20's.

Albeit I'm not far into my 30's, but I do know I am 110% different than I was ten years ago and in the best way possible. If it hadn't been for all of the events in that time frame, I am not real sure WHO I would be today, but it wouldn't be the woman I see in the mirror. I have loved, and lost then FELL in love and lost. I have succeeded in things as much as I have failed. I have had just as many not so awesome days as I have magnificent ones. I'm pretty fond of them all no matter how terrible. I guess the reality of my flashback, my thought process that took me back in time was good. It made me realize how REAL the love I just lost was. It made the pain much more intense and the reality that much more painful but as I sit here right now I feel so grateful TOO feel. NO matter what, things are constantly getting better. In the large aspect of life my path seems to be headed in the correct direction for the time. Maybe that's just it..... there is no fairy tale per se, we just have milestones in our lives a constant up and down. Orbiting in and out of one anothers lives by the end of each of our lives i wonder how many 'loves' we will have. Right now, I am 100% madly focused on ME.

Saying Goodbye

Sometimes in life things happen when we least expect it, someone comes in our life and just as quickly as they came, they leave. Sometimes they take a piece of us with them and questions unanswered, pain and heartache with even the mention of their name resonate for what seems like forever. When you finally get the chance to retrieve whatever it was they took from you when they left, and you fina...lly get the answers to the questions you've had, you have this sigh of relief....this lift of weight as if you just had one hell of a crash diet and lost everything in one moment. Closure is such a good thing to have when a relationship ends, it's something we all need even if we chose to lie to ourselves about it. I sit here today on the eve of my 34th birthday with that piece I was missing back in my possession, the questions answered and the seat next to me empty once again. A few tears shed and the words I needed to hear for so long 'I'm sorry' still linger in my ears. It's a good day to be alive, and I feel more alive today than I have since November 11 2013. I can now move forward in a part of my life I've been holding back and hiding and I couldn't be more excited about it. Its scary- but I'm ready for the rest of my life.

It wont be soon, I doubt but at least now I can be fully open to the chance that someday again I will have a connection on every level, be able to trust and eventually share my life and adventures with someone who will value me as I do them. Life is far to short to sit around thinking your broken when all along it wasn't you- truth is we're all a little bent, we just have to find a soul with the same curves that we have to fit out odd little scars in life. It's not a fucking easy road, not by any means but saying goodbye today was one of the best things I've ever done for myself and my future.

NOW- it's time to find some water and flounder around. I hope everyone has an amazing day. I hope the love you give is returned, the smiles you give are plenty and the laughter you feel is deep and genuine. There aren't many true matches in this world, not real ones so if you ever get the chance to pair up with another soul that you can FEEL from the other side of the world.... hold on to them as if your life depends on it, because it just might. Love is painful but it's also the most amazing experience we can have as human beings and I'm ready to get back out there and live
like it's the last day- Love and light! namaste

Changes: Sometimes, you have to be a Lion

What DO you enjoy?

I recently sat down and asked myself the following questions:

1.      What would I really enjoy doing?

2.      Why do I enjoy it?

3.      What am I really good at?

4.      What makes me good at this?

You see, it’s not the first time I’ve found myself twisted sideways in every direction  bound by my own blankets from whatever it was causing me to feel suffocated. Recently I have been waking in a drenched sweat with a panic feeling deep inside my soul. It’s not the kind of dreams that you are being chased by a man with a chainsaw, or razor like claws clapsing closer and closer to you in the dead of night…. NO…. this is the kind of dream where you are slowly being suffocated by the biggest snake you could imagine but your so suffocated that you cannot even be scared of the snake anymore, you literally just fight for air…. YEP I’m there.

I absolutely love life… I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before? J I have been suffocated by that fucking snake for far too long, trying not to move so the grip will remain unchanged instead of tightening slowly until my bones are crushed and my last breath seeps from my lips. I have always truly believed that you can only complain about something for so long before it becomes your own fault that you are miserable in that place. Stand up, grab yourself by the ass and go live life dammit.

 

I vowed to myself while I jotted each word, I have to make the changes to make any difference in the day to day routine or shut the hell up and continue on this path like some rental pony in the Colorado mountains saved from the glue factory the day of slaughter. Quietly following the horses’ ass in front of you only inches from his tail as if in a total sleep state. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t get up every day and do the same things over and over, same topic, same voices cracking over the conference call. So I decided now is the time to begin something new, to start couple fires while stamping around on the same beaten path day to day in and out, up and down then restart only to repeat. Instead of repeating ONLY, why not toss in some things I enjoy elsewhere and see where it goes?

Worst thing to happen, I get lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere and have to restart again. Scary, but not unbearable, not painful and sad…. I’ll take scary over sad any day J

 

JULY

I can feel it coming the way you can feel a person’s energy right behind you without even looking. The air gets heavier to breathe as if my throat is constricted by an unseen hand, an unspoken heaviness that rests softly on your shoulders like your favorite scarf. Armor in a way. I can feel my eyes swelling and my nerves begin to dance uncomfortably as if the emotion they are feeling is new. It isn’t, new…. It’s residual but every year it comes with a new surprise. A new weakness or a new strength I hadn’t known was there the year before hell, maybe a new memory will pop up, or a picture will fall out of a book but everywhere I turn, I feel it, see it, hear it, and sometimes even smell it coming. July is here again. This makes year 11.

I clench my jaw in an attempt to make me sit up straighter, to keep the lump in my throat from growing larger. I prevent those around me from seeing what is happening by laughing it off or hiding to gather myself, swallow the tears and get back out there. I hate July, but I am making the best of it year by year.

Happy Birthday Little Light!!!

Ten years ago my life changed forever in just a matter of hours. It didn't just change my life, but ME as a person, a human being, as a woman. I had become a mother. The first few days I hardly slept, staring at you every waking moment, witnessing the MIRACLE that I held all of my broken pieces together again. The times you gazed back, no words exchanged, just emotion, energy.... LOVE they brought tears to my eyes, good tears.... happy tears. You grew so fast the first year, then the second and by the third you were out running me a good portion of the time on a daily basis. Each year you grew physically, yes... but it was more than that. As if over night you woke up wiser yes, but wiser than most 'babies'. The conversations we were having by the time you were four still blow my mind, and the compassion and kindness you show even to this very second make my heart swell with such pride it brings me to tears. Your sense of humor has perfected along with your quick wit and sensitive heart. I have wiped tears away for you those moments when you just didn't understand why but 'you needed to cry', all the way to the tears you held back on the last day of school because you were going to miss your friends, but didn't want them to see you cry and it breaks my heart knowing you will shed many more tears in this lifetime that I won't be able to stop, just be there to hold you and wipe them away.

In ten years you have managed to change every single aspect of my being on this earth. My purpose, my goals, my passions and my love of LIFE. YOU Jaida May, have given me the TEN best years of my life thus far. In such a young lady I have found the most affectionate baby girl, the kindest and gentlest young lady, the most sensitive and loving little girls and one of the best friends & Daughter a mother could ever wish for. If in this lifetime I do not go forward and make a difference, or change the world in ANY way...... being your mother, having the honor of growing with you and witnessing your purity every single day the past ten years, I have at least done that and I know with all that I am you, my beautiful little girl are going to make a difference in this scary world we live in. I cannot wait to hold your hand the rest of the way as you grow into the young lady and eventually young woman.

You make me proud every single day and I love you with all that I am or every will be. Happy Tenth Birthday Jaida May Worm!!!!!!

Balance of Energy

Negative is not something anyone substantial has called me, in this lifetime. I have had reasons, i have had bad days, but  all in all this oddly chaotic life I've been handed in this particular shell has been pretty unbelievable thus far. I could be a drunk, every morning laying in a sap of tears talking to a bottle that only numbs me. Instead I drink socially with friends or a glass of wine with a good writing session or patio conversation with friends.

I could have turned to drugs years ago, used that as the excuse. I know many who have, luckily most come out with their lives and become wonderful people, some lost to death or just distance between lives in general. I dabbled as i grew up after HS like a child experiments with all things... but not to the extent it affected me.  I wanted to be that hard girl. The one  that could take it, no matter the strength and walk away like a warrior would, head up, chin tight, eyes forward. My mother raised me neve
r to rely on anyone else, in the end we can only truly rely on ourselves and we need to know how to do it.  I changed all of that in myself, voluntarily a few years back though, the HARD nosed, break your face type of standing up for myself. I moved to Holiday Island, I spent time with amazing people in Eureka Springs Arkansas and somewhere along the way I helped center myself and lose a part of myself at the same time. The people, the place, the energy helped to put my soul in the right spot to align with my mind and woke me up in a sense. to WHO Bambi is. It's pretty fucking cool to be honest. Some of the most vivid, happy memories of my life, and a few of the scariest, most terrifying and heart breaking as well. The place, holds a piece of me that i visit every single time i return and i feel at home there now, again.... always have.

Figuring myself out, who I am, what I want, what I don't want, then looking at me from the outside in.....I'm not easy! not in ANY sense of the word, unless i want to be but if all you see of me is the smile, the cheer and the uplifting, never seen a tear, heard a flicker of pain or seen the dark side of my soul then you don't KNOW me, and that's OK. For some of you, it is best this way. For those of you who know all of me, the good... the bad... the happy, the sad, the exhausted and the enthusiastic and you still stand there, next to me. You hold me when I need to just lose it. You make me laugh when you know it's time, who come pull me out of bed and take me where the sunshine is and the music is good. the friendship is true and the loyalty is strong. The trust runs deep like a spring you can feel and maybe hear but never find.

I used to trust easy, made you break my trust to take it away, every stranger on the street was a real friend to me at one time. It was innocent, i was naive, it was ignorant but it was full filling to a point. I don't miss those days, but i miss the ability to trust easily. It isn't one time that I was burned and chose not to play with that fire again, it was the repetative reaching through the flame only to come out with a blister from hell every fucking time that has taught me to be what i am today. I'm scared as fuck, but I am strong as fuck too. not many see the weak side, the tears or the break downs. Not many see the anxiety because what makes me strong is holding everyone else up and that seems to be my purpose here, at least for now. Sometimes though, I need to fold up and have a soft place to lay. Words of compassion. sometimes, just the three words we all long to hear are enough to resolve a million tears. Three words that with each shocking sizzle of flame bursting into a painful blister become scarier and scarier. Less and less what it was supposed to mean inside my world, my ideals, my wishes, my dream. LOVE - a give and take equal. A kindness that comes with a connection that resonates for days, weeks, months, YEARS.

Maybe I really am meant to be alone in this lifetime. I can't change this person I am, I've worked so hard to be a good woman, loving kind, giving, caring and honest. I'm blunt, harsh, but I'm happy, kind and loyal and POSITIVE. Maybe too much for most, and that's OK it just goes back to the 'encounters for a reason, season or lesson' and it's the most accurate cliche to date if you ask me.

The point is no matter what you do for others, how much you love, give, care, support or just listen you will NEVER find another human on earth that will do these from the heart FOR YOU besides a parent. So it's up to you (me) to stop focusing so much on everyone else and DO ME again. I've been saying it, but i recently got off track. Well, after a lot of tears, a lot of soul searching I am almost to the finality of it all.  There are many who love me for who I am, friends yes, but if that's all I can have in life I am totally fine being alone because at least when i need to cry i can call them, or if they aren't around I can cry into my pillow like the little girl i was when my mom left this earth and pretend she's holding me tight.

I have been made to question my self worth, and I find that amazing that I even let it go that far. NO more. I accept people for who they are and if they can't accept me for me, only want the good, not the bad. The happy not to hear about or support me through the sad... then they will soon find themselves on the outside of the wall already building in my soul. I just hope it isn't too late by the time it happens.

Have a fantastic weekend - NAMASTE

A Day Without Rain



I can't hear Enya without thinking of my mothers passing. I always listen to Zen radio when I need to write, but when I put it on Pandora today Enya came out of nowhere to remind life goes on. Like human life, love comes and goes. Nothing lasts forever and we all have different ideas of what it means. We meet someone and begin the 'getting to know you' process, which takes at least a year if things don't go south before then. It's either a happy relationship or toxic sort of like life as well. Once someone we love dies, and leave us here to cherish only the memory we had with them the only thing keeping them alive here on earth is OUR memory.

I think I lost my mom early to teach me how to recover from loss. I mean, I do believe all things happen for a reason so this has to be why, at least that's what I'm telling myself these days. Her death taught me compassion and understanding. How to love others above myself and what true pain is. Without the pain her death caused me, I'm afraid I would still be the girl I was almost 11 years ago and that wouldn't be acceptable.

You have to grieve the loss of a loved one regardless of how you lost them. It could be death, a break up, they moved away or just the end of a friendship in general. I have had my fair share of grief in this lifetime, I wouldn't change it because it's made me stronger, happier and more understanding but holy shit can a girl get a break? Really? I feel as if I am at the point in life that death is no longer the unspoken fear  of attending one yearly funeral, I'm quite afraid I've reached the point that it is a major part of life and what's more, I'm afraid I'm growing numb to it.

My dad lost one of his best friends to heart attack. He was young, only 57. That doesn't even begin to touch on the death I've witnessed in the past 8 months. Death of loved ones from this world, death of friendships no longer beneficial to either party and finally the death of a love I thought was real. It was real, for me, not him, but for me. I have grieved my fair share and am back up on my feet, head to the sky with positive outlook on life again. Like any grief though I spent my fare share of days in bed, thousands of Kleenex and a few drunk evenings to try and forget but the scar is healing. Seems death from this earthly life is no longer a fear for me I expect it, maybe that too is a numbing agent, I'm not sure.

But, like birth (happening every three seconds) there are many more relationships to be had, laughter to share and time to spend with new and old friends. Dating is sort of like pregnancy I guess, it's a real pain in the ass mostly. I've tried to begin putting myself out there only to discover that I am emotionally unavailable unless it's just a good time. I still cringe at the thought of being touched sexually and that is something I need to work on. I am after all, in my prime and though I am not lonely when I'm alone, the thought of being held as I drift off to sleep seems appealing sometimes and my dog is too small to make much of a difference but settling is not an option anymore, no matter how many vow to 'treat me like a queen', to offer anything but friendship on my behalf would be a blatant lie, and that's not fair to anyone. Until the key fits perfectly in the lock my soul remains closed to certain emotions and feelings leaving room for only laughter, friendship and adventure. That's all I have time or a yearning for anymore. I want to be gone all the time. I want to drive across the US stopping to take pictures of any little thing my heart desires. I want to change jobs and finally find something I enjoy doing. I want to make a difference in the world and I'm sure as hell not doing it where I am in life right now.

So, tomorrow is a new day. Stepping out of my box and going on an overnight date. I can only pray he is a gentleman and respects my choice to abstain from physical ........... relations.... god even trying to type it made me sort of ill from nerves. Baby steps... he has the same passions I do for life in a lot of ways, and the wanderlust undying so I think regardless it will be a new, exciting adventure. That is unless I end up chopped into pieces on the side of I-44, in which case..... good for me, right? :) Joking- Well friends, thanks again as always for reading my random bullshit ramblings, but I figured it was time to let you know publicly that I'm back. My soul is still injured but I'm back to my independent, life loving, compassionate self that has disappeared the past few months. I'm ready to love others before myself again, but don't take that wrong, I still come FIRST these days and nothing will change that again.

Namaste- Sunday is the new moon! Send out your intentions to the universe and smile when they come rushing back!

Roller Coaster We Call Life

Life is funny. The roller coaster comparison is about as truthful as it gets. You start out nervous and full of excitement, you are strapped in as tight as they can get you and you have no idea how long the ride will last. It’s a new world as you take off swiftly around each corner and finally approaching that gigantic hill. You begin climbing that hill, slowly…. Click, click, click… as you climb. You look out to each side and try to lose yourself in the scenery, taking your mind off the climb. Once you reach the top, you pause, quietly overlooking the world around you, silence takes over and you can only hear your own heartbeat as you begin to feel the gravity pulling you downwards. The involuntary movement towards the ground causes a deep flutter in your stomach sending adrenaline rushing through your veins immediately, a smile like never before. Moved, shaken and whipped in every direction as you eventually come to a straight and begin to slow down. Checking to see the bar is still intact and you didn’t lose your favorite sunglasses from your head you hear the sudden click far ahead. Over and over this cycle repeats until finally you are whipped and slashed around only to find your ride, suddenly stops. No warning, heads leerching forward, the bars rise and we are free again, unstable on our feet reaching for the rails. Looking back to see new passengers boarding as you reaching the decline, the place you look back at the pictures of your ride, and point out the scariest moment, or when ‘I almost puked’. Trying to act as if you were fearless didn’t work b/c right there for the world to see, pictures of the ride from the beginning to the very end. The roller coaster of life, isn’t that a bitch? J

Day Dreams

 

 

I want to wake up tomorrow
with all of my problems solved
a smile on my face
and the pain truly resolved

 

The sun coming up
on a bright spring day
a soft rain to wash
all of yesterday away

 

Toes in the sand
and sun on my skin
drink in my hand
oh, this peaceful place I'm in

 

Nothing but ocean
Kissing the shore
here in this place
who could ever want more?

Emotions

Broken, shattered and laying on the floor
Crawling, scratching, reaching for the door
I forgot why I am in this place, or where I was before
Until you put your face to mine and asked me for just one more.

Giving isn’t easy and trusting isn’t safe
But that’s what got me here in the first place
Questioning events, conversations and friends
Searching for the answers to make these amends

I find nothing when I look for you
Nothing but an empty space
Your presence still lingers too,
When I look to the mirror, sometimes I see your face

What is real and what is fake?
Is the life we live the life we chose to make?
What exactly is the purpose of love, the emotion?
It makes as much sense as a rain drop to the ocean

But picking back up and carrying on
That’s how I was raised and so I shall be gone
To discover my purpose and live to my potential
Hoping along the way I find passion torrential

Fake smiles become real
And the numb eventually allows me to feel
The laughter comes back with time
And I know eventually I’ll be just fine.