Balance of Energy

Negative is not something anyone substantial has called me, in this lifetime. I have had reasons, i have had bad days, but  all in all this oddly chaotic life I've been handed in this particular shell has been pretty unbelievable thus far. I could be a drunk, every morning laying in a sap of tears talking to a bottle that only numbs me. Instead I drink socially with friends or a glass of wine with a good writing session or patio conversation with friends.

I could have turned to drugs years ago, used that as the excuse. I know many who have, luckily most come out with their lives and become wonderful people, some lost to death or just distance between lives in general. I dabbled as i grew up after HS like a child experiments with all things... but not to the extent it affected me.  I wanted to be that hard girl. The one  that could take it, no matter the strength and walk away like a warrior would, head up, chin tight, eyes forward. My mother raised me neve
r to rely on anyone else, in the end we can only truly rely on ourselves and we need to know how to do it.  I changed all of that in myself, voluntarily a few years back though, the HARD nosed, break your face type of standing up for myself. I moved to Holiday Island, I spent time with amazing people in Eureka Springs Arkansas and somewhere along the way I helped center myself and lose a part of myself at the same time. The people, the place, the energy helped to put my soul in the right spot to align with my mind and woke me up in a sense. to WHO Bambi is. It's pretty fucking cool to be honest. Some of the most vivid, happy memories of my life, and a few of the scariest, most terrifying and heart breaking as well. The place, holds a piece of me that i visit every single time i return and i feel at home there now, again.... always have.

Figuring myself out, who I am, what I want, what I don't want, then looking at me from the outside in.....I'm not easy! not in ANY sense of the word, unless i want to be but if all you see of me is the smile, the cheer and the uplifting, never seen a tear, heard a flicker of pain or seen the dark side of my soul then you don't KNOW me, and that's OK. For some of you, it is best this way. For those of you who know all of me, the good... the bad... the happy, the sad, the exhausted and the enthusiastic and you still stand there, next to me. You hold me when I need to just lose it. You make me laugh when you know it's time, who come pull me out of bed and take me where the sunshine is and the music is good. the friendship is true and the loyalty is strong. The trust runs deep like a spring you can feel and maybe hear but never find.

I used to trust easy, made you break my trust to take it away, every stranger on the street was a real friend to me at one time. It was innocent, i was naive, it was ignorant but it was full filling to a point. I don't miss those days, but i miss the ability to trust easily. It isn't one time that I was burned and chose not to play with that fire again, it was the repetative reaching through the flame only to come out with a blister from hell every fucking time that has taught me to be what i am today. I'm scared as fuck, but I am strong as fuck too. not many see the weak side, the tears or the break downs. Not many see the anxiety because what makes me strong is holding everyone else up and that seems to be my purpose here, at least for now. Sometimes though, I need to fold up and have a soft place to lay. Words of compassion. sometimes, just the three words we all long to hear are enough to resolve a million tears. Three words that with each shocking sizzle of flame bursting into a painful blister become scarier and scarier. Less and less what it was supposed to mean inside my world, my ideals, my wishes, my dream. LOVE - a give and take equal. A kindness that comes with a connection that resonates for days, weeks, months, YEARS.

Maybe I really am meant to be alone in this lifetime. I can't change this person I am, I've worked so hard to be a good woman, loving kind, giving, caring and honest. I'm blunt, harsh, but I'm happy, kind and loyal and POSITIVE. Maybe too much for most, and that's OK it just goes back to the 'encounters for a reason, season or lesson' and it's the most accurate cliche to date if you ask me.

The point is no matter what you do for others, how much you love, give, care, support or just listen you will NEVER find another human on earth that will do these from the heart FOR YOU besides a parent. So it's up to you (me) to stop focusing so much on everyone else and DO ME again. I've been saying it, but i recently got off track. Well, after a lot of tears, a lot of soul searching I am almost to the finality of it all.  There are many who love me for who I am, friends yes, but if that's all I can have in life I am totally fine being alone because at least when i need to cry i can call them, or if they aren't around I can cry into my pillow like the little girl i was when my mom left this earth and pretend she's holding me tight.

I have been made to question my self worth, and I find that amazing that I even let it go that far. NO more. I accept people for who they are and if they can't accept me for me, only want the good, not the bad. The happy not to hear about or support me through the sad... then they will soon find themselves on the outside of the wall already building in my soul. I just hope it isn't too late by the time it happens.

Have a fantastic weekend - NAMASTE

A Day Without Rain



I can't hear Enya without thinking of my mothers passing. I always listen to Zen radio when I need to write, but when I put it on Pandora today Enya came out of nowhere to remind life goes on. Like human life, love comes and goes. Nothing lasts forever and we all have different ideas of what it means. We meet someone and begin the 'getting to know you' process, which takes at least a year if things don't go south before then. It's either a happy relationship or toxic sort of like life as well. Once someone we love dies, and leave us here to cherish only the memory we had with them the only thing keeping them alive here on earth is OUR memory.

I think I lost my mom early to teach me how to recover from loss. I mean, I do believe all things happen for a reason so this has to be why, at least that's what I'm telling myself these days. Her death taught me compassion and understanding. How to love others above myself and what true pain is. Without the pain her death caused me, I'm afraid I would still be the girl I was almost 11 years ago and that wouldn't be acceptable.

You have to grieve the loss of a loved one regardless of how you lost them. It could be death, a break up, they moved away or just the end of a friendship in general. I have had my fair share of grief in this lifetime, I wouldn't change it because it's made me stronger, happier and more understanding but holy shit can a girl get a break? Really? I feel as if I am at the point in life that death is no longer the unspoken fear  of attending one yearly funeral, I'm quite afraid I've reached the point that it is a major part of life and what's more, I'm afraid I'm growing numb to it.

My dad lost one of his best friends to heart attack. He was young, only 57. That doesn't even begin to touch on the death I've witnessed in the past 8 months. Death of loved ones from this world, death of friendships no longer beneficial to either party and finally the death of a love I thought was real. It was real, for me, not him, but for me. I have grieved my fair share and am back up on my feet, head to the sky with positive outlook on life again. Like any grief though I spent my fare share of days in bed, thousands of Kleenex and a few drunk evenings to try and forget but the scar is healing. Seems death from this earthly life is no longer a fear for me I expect it, maybe that too is a numbing agent, I'm not sure.

But, like birth (happening every three seconds) there are many more relationships to be had, laughter to share and time to spend with new and old friends. Dating is sort of like pregnancy I guess, it's a real pain in the ass mostly. I've tried to begin putting myself out there only to discover that I am emotionally unavailable unless it's just a good time. I still cringe at the thought of being touched sexually and that is something I need to work on. I am after all, in my prime and though I am not lonely when I'm alone, the thought of being held as I drift off to sleep seems appealing sometimes and my dog is too small to make much of a difference but settling is not an option anymore, no matter how many vow to 'treat me like a queen', to offer anything but friendship on my behalf would be a blatant lie, and that's not fair to anyone. Until the key fits perfectly in the lock my soul remains closed to certain emotions and feelings leaving room for only laughter, friendship and adventure. That's all I have time or a yearning for anymore. I want to be gone all the time. I want to drive across the US stopping to take pictures of any little thing my heart desires. I want to change jobs and finally find something I enjoy doing. I want to make a difference in the world and I'm sure as hell not doing it where I am in life right now.

So, tomorrow is a new day. Stepping out of my box and going on an overnight date. I can only pray he is a gentleman and respects my choice to abstain from physical ........... relations.... god even trying to type it made me sort of ill from nerves. Baby steps... he has the same passions I do for life in a lot of ways, and the wanderlust undying so I think regardless it will be a new, exciting adventure. That is unless I end up chopped into pieces on the side of I-44, in which case..... good for me, right? :) Joking- Well friends, thanks again as always for reading my random bullshit ramblings, but I figured it was time to let you know publicly that I'm back. My soul is still injured but I'm back to my independent, life loving, compassionate self that has disappeared the past few months. I'm ready to love others before myself again, but don't take that wrong, I still come FIRST these days and nothing will change that again.

Namaste- Sunday is the new moon! Send out your intentions to the universe and smile when they come rushing back!

Roller Coaster We Call Life

Life is funny. The roller coaster comparison is about as truthful as it gets. You start out nervous and full of excitement, you are strapped in as tight as they can get you and you have no idea how long the ride will last. It’s a new world as you take off swiftly around each corner and finally approaching that gigantic hill. You begin climbing that hill, slowly…. Click, click, click… as you climb. You look out to each side and try to lose yourself in the scenery, taking your mind off the climb. Once you reach the top, you pause, quietly overlooking the world around you, silence takes over and you can only hear your own heartbeat as you begin to feel the gravity pulling you downwards. The involuntary movement towards the ground causes a deep flutter in your stomach sending adrenaline rushing through your veins immediately, a smile like never before. Moved, shaken and whipped in every direction as you eventually come to a straight and begin to slow down. Checking to see the bar is still intact and you didn’t lose your favorite sunglasses from your head you hear the sudden click far ahead. Over and over this cycle repeats until finally you are whipped and slashed around only to find your ride, suddenly stops. No warning, heads leerching forward, the bars rise and we are free again, unstable on our feet reaching for the rails. Looking back to see new passengers boarding as you reaching the decline, the place you look back at the pictures of your ride, and point out the scariest moment, or when ‘I almost puked’. Trying to act as if you were fearless didn’t work b/c right there for the world to see, pictures of the ride from the beginning to the very end. The roller coaster of life, isn’t that a bitch? J

Day Dreams

 

 

I want to wake up tomorrow
with all of my problems solved
a smile on my face
and the pain truly resolved

 

The sun coming up
on a bright spring day
a soft rain to wash
all of yesterday away

 

Toes in the sand
and sun on my skin
drink in my hand
oh, this peaceful place I'm in

 

Nothing but ocean
Kissing the shore
here in this place
who could ever want more?

Emotions

Broken, shattered and laying on the floor
Crawling, scratching, reaching for the door
I forgot why I am in this place, or where I was before
Until you put your face to mine and asked me for just one more.

Giving isn’t easy and trusting isn’t safe
But that’s what got me here in the first place
Questioning events, conversations and friends
Searching for the answers to make these amends

I find nothing when I look for you
Nothing but an empty space
Your presence still lingers too,
When I look to the mirror, sometimes I see your face

What is real and what is fake?
Is the life we live the life we chose to make?
What exactly is the purpose of love, the emotion?
It makes as much sense as a rain drop to the ocean

But picking back up and carrying on
That’s how I was raised and so I shall be gone
To discover my purpose and live to my potential
Hoping along the way I find passion torrential

Fake smiles become real
And the numb eventually allows me to feel
The laughter comes back with time
And I know eventually I’ll be just fine.