I have been writing off and on all day long, nothing substantial really, sections of my book that drew me into a dark part of my mind where I had no interest in staying, I changed the pace and scribbled a few poems but none to completion. I even started an entirely new story and after two pages hit a blank wall. I am unsure if it is the cosmic alignment, the upcoming full moon, the emotional shifts in my soul or all of it combined but this is the first time I've sat down and let words pour out of my finger tips and it feels good. It caught me off guard a bit to be honest. I found myself totally submerged in feelings I knew where there yet chased away, wanted to believe were not true and then some that confused the living shit out of me all in all trying to figure out which ones to chase off and which ones can stay. (tilts head back, laughing at the sky)
It's funny, to me, to look back at the posts I made a year ago, hell two years ago. Only I know where I was, what I really felt and where I was heading and now when I read them thru a fresh set of eyes. It makes me wonder how many different stories came out out of them because of the way they are perceived.
Tonight, the sky was amazing as the storms passed. I spent most of the evening ignoring it all by cleaning out my closets and blocking out the world with my randomness of Pandora stations on shuffle.It wasn't until I went into my kitchen go get more tea that i realized the color of the evening sky was that of the most amazing yellow. At first glance I honestly thought something was wrong with my eyes, the dark colors that last graced the panes of my windows was now replaced with this iridescent yet foggy yellow. I didn't take my eyes off the windows as i walked out of the kitchen, thru the living room and out the back door. I am not sure that i even blinked for fear it would change. It was surreal, almost like walking into OZ. As i opened my back porch door even the feeling in the air was dense, moist, almost sweet on my lips. I stood there in total silence trying to take it all in, trying to understand what it was i was seeing but i just stared. I took my phone out in an attempt to capture this moment, where the clouds looked as if they came directly from a Tim Burton Movie, and the air felt so soft it had to be a dream. I am not even sure how long i stood there but it felt like hours.
It wasn't until I went back inside and looked at the picture I snapped on my phone, that i realized it was nothing like what i had just witnessed, no yellow, no detail, no graceful looking clouds dancing behind the tree limbs it looked, just like storm clouds passing............. it looked just... like this.....
Just like moments in our lives, I think we all see them differently, feel an intense emotion that makes our hearts ache or smile, see the color in something a little brighter than someone else, or hears that echo of beauty among the chirping of the birds and rustling of the trees.
I walked back into my house and sat quietly on the couch staring at the picture on my phone and it was as if the yellow was just for me, for my soul at that particular moment. I glanced back outside and the yellow tint was still there, but nothing like it was when i stood outside with my face to the sky. The birds were chirping loudly again, the train in the distance became more clear with each whistle and the small sounds of a daily routine came to life around me once again.
Is it silly to believe that this world existed, in that moment exactly how I felt it, saw it, and still feel it on my skin? Once i looked at the picture, it changed how i felt about the moment, was it fair to let this cause me to question my true emotion? Do I question things too often? Thank heavens I'm not a cat because my curiosity would have killed me nine times over by now because the truth is I am not convinced that two people in the world can or ever will see and feel the exact same things at the exact same moment. I want to believe that i shared that moment with someone else, that it wasn't just me getting caught up in the beauty around me that is so rare these days i let it take my mind to a new place all together. I don't want to be alone in this emotion i want to share it, i want everyone to see it how i see it but i know it will never be and that saddens me. For once, I want to believe it and somehow it turns out to be true, just this one time I want the optimistic girl I've watched grow old so young to have one thing turn out just how she believed. But, if even half of it came true the world would be a better place and we just couldn't have that now, could we?
I sat down once again pondering so many questions, wishing on days like today that i could shut off my brain but i cant, no amount of sleep aides help I let fear, and happiness, love and anger, frustration and sadness come flushing in at the same time and it is a lot to handle. I made a promise to myself not so long ago to always be true to myself. I took Shakespeare's words and made them my own in a place that forever reminds me never to let others make me cry, never let others hurt me but the more I read it and the more I understand it in my own right, the more I know that without the chances, the beliefs in life and sadly, the disappointments i would never truly know a great day, feeling, emotion, action or thought. Nothing would mean more to me than anything else and that, would be a waste of life on this planet. Cheers to scrambled energy and positive thinking. I suppose I'll ride this train until it derails or reaches it's destination, either way it's going to be a great ride!
Namaste-
1 comment:
Keep at the writing girl..you have so much talent and so much vision. Much love to you.
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