The Merry Month of May

If you were here, standing before me…….. I am no longer sure what I would say to you. These days, of celebration no longer feel worth a party to me, yet I try to continue the way you would have. I try more and more these days to remember the special event for my friends, and what family I have left. I sport a smile, never a gift because I never have money for it anymore. I pretend I’m not thinking of you with celebration and yet still all these years later it still sneaks up on me slowly……. Painfully.

May 1- brings such beauty as every spring, it just feels so much more ALIVE outside on the first of may.

May 2- The dream happens again and again and all I can do is take sleeping pills hoping that with those and meditation the dream wont come but it does.

May 3- I remember seven years ago watching you work on the finishing touches of the farm house, the new siding was glowing white, and it looked beautiful, only a few more panels to be put on. My heart starts to ache as if a mix of anxiety and pain try to attack the now frozen muscle hidden in my chest. We took family pictures that day. The first grandchild you had from your only daughter was growing inside of me and none of us knew. You looked terrible, you were so sick.

May 4- I was working, Adam was with you and papa. You guys had worked all day to finish the house. I was excited to see it! Adam and I lived in Monett and the storms were all over the radio but the sky was clear as we stood out in the driveway grilling steaks watching the darkness move over the north joking about how beautiful it was at our house when the sirens went off. We jumped in the car and took off towards Pierce City when my cell phone rang. It was you, telling us not to come over as planned because the house was shredded and the farm gone. It was the last cell phone conversation anyone in that area would have for a while, I’m still not sure how you got through to me. Against your wishes we tried to get to you….finally parking at the catholic cemetery. I remember the red old navy flip flops I had on slapping against my feet as I ran as fast as I could jumping over fallen trees and live powerlines. Tears running down my face not knowing what I would find when I got to you. When I first saw our town, my home town, the place I urged so much to be away from gone my heart broke and I ran faster. The distruction was horrific. It was probably only a two mile run from our car to your house but when I reached the driveway I couldn’t tell which end was up. The horses were bleeding, the dogs had debris in their hair. You were walking circles while papa made make shift pens for the horses. I stepped on a nail as I ran towards you with my arms reached out, you yelled at me in anger, and fear then we hugged. Looking around at the land that just hours before was pristine and clean, clear and beautiful the house almost new looking now broken down, shattered and filled with glass and insulation. It was the small closet/bathroom that saved you and papa. We were all in shock. That night each of us carried an animal- having to leave the horses of course, as we took our walk into town to check on the other house. I remember thinking to myself ‘this must be what an LA riot looked like back in the 70’s) with the helicopters, spot lights, powerlines snapping in the streets and emergency vehichles everywhere. I don’t remember any sounds, only helicopters echoing through my head. As we walked past the armory we all stood in horror as the building that once was the ‘safe house’ for storms had collapsed on many from our town, and rescue workers were digging to get people out. The building that once stood as a tall fortrice type building now nothing but a pile of bricks and frantic faces.

We arrived at the house on Locust and to our amazement it was unscathed except for one broken window. HOW? When just two blocks down was the worst of the devastation, how did it miss this house? We went in and that is where we stayed, you, me, papa, Adam and the animals……. In the light of a carosine lamp trying to figure out where to go next, trying to joke about the follow day and it’s meaning. Wondering to myself, how I would play the Beatles song with no electric

May 5- Happy Birthday Mom! You turned 47. The day after that tornado literally torn so many lives apart, it was the unhappiest birthday you’d ever had. It was the beginning of the end of the celebration of birthdays all around. May 5 2003- marks the last day I ever cared about a birthday.

A week later we told you we were pregnant, Adam and I. I wasn’t supposed to have children, it felt surreal, it was a great feeling. You were so happy you bragged to your friends.

Happy Grandparents

May 24th- I had a miscarriage. You blamed it on the tornado. I was between six and seven weeks along. It was five am. I had been up off and on all night with cramps, knowing what was coming b/c of my hcg levels. Adam held me all night, he was still asleep when it happened. I did what the doctor said, I picked my child up and sat in the bathroom on the floor in tears and blood. You were the first person I called. What light the pregnancy had brought back to you after your sickness, and the distruction of that tornado went away that day. We cried so hard together, it was your first grand baby, one you would have met before your death that was staring us all in the face anyways. Your frail face held tears until they were streaming so quickly it was as if a dam had busted. That was the day you lost hope.

Jaida at age two - Your angel in the background

However, years have come and passed. As you know Jaida May Worm was born almost exactly a year from the date we lost the first baby. I know it was your gift to me for leaving me just weeks before my own birthday. I know you, and adams dad and God sat and had a meeting, making a decision that would forever reflect both of you when we look into her eyes. She has your spirit, and your heart. She has his bravery and strength. The rest she got from Adam and I but we know every day where she really came from and so even though her birthday is really and truly the only one I celebrate with true happy tears in my eyes, a real smile on my face and hope in my heart. Tomorrow is your birthday Mom, you would be 54 tomorrow. I could crack jokes at your age and pluck grey hairs. I could cook your favorite German Chocolate cake and sing you happy birthday. Jaida would have a card for you, hand written and colored with such care. And so, we will. That is the plan. I’ll see you tomorrow mom. Jaida has flowers she wants to plant on your island, next to your angel that protect your ashes. I will make the cake and papa will oversee the operation. We will have a glasss of wine, or maybe a whole bottle, and I’ll be sure to leave some for you. Jaida asked me the other day if she can leave a piece of cake on your bench so if you got hungry that night you could come eat it (like santa claus). So when you see the single slice of cake at sundown, it’s for you. I’ll be sure to only put one candle on it, so we don’t burn the house down with the what would have been 54 of them. I miss you. I love you. Happy birthday.

Today is your Birthday

Good Morning Mom! I overslept today, knowing what today was, knowing at some point I had to get out of bed, but I couldn't 'un' snuggle myself from my little girl. Today would have been your 52nd Birthday, or I mean it IS your 52nd Birthday. I can't help but lay silently looking at my daughter knowing NOW why you always stared at me the way you did. It truly is the most amazing thing on earth to feel the love you can have for your child. It is not comparable to any other force of love on this earth, and shouldn't be. Jaida is a good kid. She's a LOT like I was when i was a child. Being that she too is an only child, our one on one time is so similar to yours and mine. We made a cake the other day, like we always do...... she held the beaters while i turned the bowl. I couldn't help but giggle because it took you years to let me use those beaters by myself, and despite the 'raw egg scare' we always shared the batter while the cake was baking. you took one beater, i took the other and we both finished the bowl.

At lunch I plan to listen to your song, at least the one you played for me every year on my birthday. I mean what day between us would be complete without the Beatles 'Todays Your Birthday'. You started that tradition when I was born, it wasn't until my second birthday that I remember it, and It came like clockwork every morning on my birthday until the day you died.

today will be a good day-no doubt. I am so thankful for everything and everyone in my life that I am nearly beside myself when i stop to think about how great my life really is, but then your face comes to mind. I wish you were here, physically. Losing my mother at 23 was difficult, yes, the most difficult thing i've ever experienced. There have been so many things the past (almost) five years since you passed that i've wanted to ask you, or things I wanted to share with you, tears I needed to cry and you were the ONLY one who would understand without judgement. In the past five years of my life, i've grown into a totally different person. I worked really hard at it. When I lost you, I lost a huge piece of me, but the trials of your death made me a strong person. The accusations that you didn't really kill yourself.... (still make me laugh, and i know they do you too) People saying to me "I'm sorry your mom is in hell" (moving me farther from a total Christian religion) I still keep the picture of Jesus that you had at your feet, I dont look at it, but i have it. I wonder sometimes if you would have been proud of where I am religiously. I have so much to learn ,but Buddhism is my fit. I believe in all it stands for, Love, Kindness, Forgiveness, Peace. Every time I open a new book about the percepts my soul grows and I find myself so much happier in life. I wish you were here to share it with.

This spring was a great one, is I should say. You would love my new house. It IS the epitome of you and I and our love of nature. I have a deck from all three levels. It's not a mansion, more like a little Bambi bird house on top of the mountain. I have quite the portfolio of photos put together. I plan to get a copy right on them soon and put up my own web site. Then maybe set up booths during Blues Fest, Art Fest etc downtown to make some extra money. Thank you for my 'eye' by the way, i find the other I am getting the more beauty in angles and things that most people can't see, stand out to me and become a beautiful picture!

I have Hummingbirds here. NOTHING like the hords of them you used to have, but I have two feeders and frequent visitors, it's rather calming and I can see now, why your last year you spent so much time sitting among them watching.

I miss you Mom. I miss back roading on days like today... windows down with Jackson Brown or Jim Croche playing softly in the back ground. Better yet, days like today when we would saddle up the boys fill the saddle bags with water, snacks and TP and head out on the road for hours at a time. We would have a pit stop every few miles, mainly because you and Dakota (Mr. Foxtrotter) had to leave me and Stormy behind constantly, but i never cared. Watching you ride was an inspiration to me. I've only ridden a handful of times since you left. It isn't the same, the boys look at me like i'm a stranger, and I dont feel your spirit when i ride anymore, it just feels like another part of me that died with you.

I haven't camped yet this year. I can't seem to find the energy or the time. Things have been busy and yet still wonderful. I just wish you were here to see my life, where I am, and give me that one little speech you always gave "Bambi, baby.. you're such a beautiful girl. You are a hard worker and someday that will pay off. You can have everything your heart desires if you put your strong willed mind to it" and i have.......... so far. A few more finishing touches on some books, the right person to help me with my website for my photography and i'll be exactly where you told me i could.

I thought today could go by with no tears. I was wrong. I miss you more than words can even say. I see you in my eyes sometimes, your spirit, your will and your strength. I often wonder how you held your strength in some of the moments you did. I dont think i'm as strong as you. You taught me what it's like to have an honest, loving mother. Someone I could confide in no matter what, even if I knew i would get in trouble afterwards, it was better to be upfront. I'm trying to raise my daughter as you have me, i'm trying to be first her mother, and guide her and teach her, but also kind enough to be her friend when she needs it. I think it is important in life to have your mother as your best friend. You were, you always will be. I have a few people that have filled small voids you left behind, you know the girls i'm speaking of- i have no doubt you've watched over us many occasion.

So Happy Birthday MOM- Cinco De Mayo- Your own personal holiday (that you share with so many other warriors who also, won the battle they fought on this day) thank you for all you've done for me, who I am and who i am becoming. Thank you most of all for the strong willed spirit, and being the most influential person in my life. I love you with all i have, all my heart, and I miss you so much my heart aches and tears flow without a muscle in my face moving to cause the tears. Thank you-

PS- It would be nice if you would come see me, in my dreams. Apparently you visit my friends... and latley you've shown up to tell me to come with you and you keep reaching for my hand, but i wake up before i can catch you. If you're going to show up... for gods sake say something this time- meaningful... like "Since when did you get into shoes Bambi" or "I love you too kid"... but i guess i can only ask so much of the afterlife, for all i know you're already moved on to be someones kid in this life, a brat at that! ":) I love you Mom. I can't say it enough. I hope your celebration is filled with all of those who beat you to it, those who have joined you since and more smiles and hugs than your tiny body can stand. Here's to you and your freedom:

My Mom's Harley Davidson Panhead- beautiful blue, like the color of her eyes.....the bandanna you see... i still wear, she never wore anything but Levi 501 and she looked damn good. My mom stopped ridding the bike after I was born. She sold it, for less than it was worth from what I understand. It was a show bike, it won awards. I have pictures of me with my raggedy Ann Doll standing in front of it on the show room. I'm sure Rusty, the bio dad would have some comment to debunk it all at this point and make me feel even more shitty about my mom. Seems every time he comes around me he says something horrible and mean only pushing me farther from ever wanting to see his face again. I wish he would only listen when i tell him, she never ONCE said a cross word about my father to me, no matter how absent he was in my life she stood up for you! She made excuses as to WHY you didn't know how to 'love me' or WHY you never called. In any case.... She was a beautiful woman, mother, friend, daughter, wife (to a good man- my papa) biker and most of all............ free spirit!