Today is your Birthday

Good Morning Mom! I overslept today, knowing what today was, knowing at some point I had to get out of bed, but I couldn't 'un' snuggle myself from my little girl. Today would have been your 52nd Birthday, or I mean it IS your 52nd Birthday. I can't help but lay silently looking at my daughter knowing NOW why you always stared at me the way you did. It truly is the most amazing thing on earth to feel the love you can have for your child. It is not comparable to any other force of love on this earth, and shouldn't be. Jaida is a good kid. She's a LOT like I was when i was a child. Being that she too is an only child, our one on one time is so similar to yours and mine. We made a cake the other day, like we always do...... she held the beaters while i turned the bowl. I couldn't help but giggle because it took you years to let me use those beaters by myself, and despite the 'raw egg scare' we always shared the batter while the cake was baking. you took one beater, i took the other and we both finished the bowl.

At lunch I plan to listen to your song, at least the one you played for me every year on my birthday. I mean what day between us would be complete without the Beatles 'Todays Your Birthday'. You started that tradition when I was born, it wasn't until my second birthday that I remember it, and It came like clockwork every morning on my birthday until the day you died.

today will be a good day-no doubt. I am so thankful for everything and everyone in my life that I am nearly beside myself when i stop to think about how great my life really is, but then your face comes to mind. I wish you were here, physically. Losing my mother at 23 was difficult, yes, the most difficult thing i've ever experienced. There have been so many things the past (almost) five years since you passed that i've wanted to ask you, or things I wanted to share with you, tears I needed to cry and you were the ONLY one who would understand without judgement. In the past five years of my life, i've grown into a totally different person. I worked really hard at it. When I lost you, I lost a huge piece of me, but the trials of your death made me a strong person. The accusations that you didn't really kill yourself.... (still make me laugh, and i know they do you too) People saying to me "I'm sorry your mom is in hell" (moving me farther from a total Christian religion) I still keep the picture of Jesus that you had at your feet, I dont look at it, but i have it. I wonder sometimes if you would have been proud of where I am religiously. I have so much to learn ,but Buddhism is my fit. I believe in all it stands for, Love, Kindness, Forgiveness, Peace. Every time I open a new book about the percepts my soul grows and I find myself so much happier in life. I wish you were here to share it with.

This spring was a great one, is I should say. You would love my new house. It IS the epitome of you and I and our love of nature. I have a deck from all three levels. It's not a mansion, more like a little Bambi bird house on top of the mountain. I have quite the portfolio of photos put together. I plan to get a copy right on them soon and put up my own web site. Then maybe set up booths during Blues Fest, Art Fest etc downtown to make some extra money. Thank you for my 'eye' by the way, i find the other I am getting the more beauty in angles and things that most people can't see, stand out to me and become a beautiful picture!

I have Hummingbirds here. NOTHING like the hords of them you used to have, but I have two feeders and frequent visitors, it's rather calming and I can see now, why your last year you spent so much time sitting among them watching.

I miss you Mom. I miss back roading on days like today... windows down with Jackson Brown or Jim Croche playing softly in the back ground. Better yet, days like today when we would saddle up the boys fill the saddle bags with water, snacks and TP and head out on the road for hours at a time. We would have a pit stop every few miles, mainly because you and Dakota (Mr. Foxtrotter) had to leave me and Stormy behind constantly, but i never cared. Watching you ride was an inspiration to me. I've only ridden a handful of times since you left. It isn't the same, the boys look at me like i'm a stranger, and I dont feel your spirit when i ride anymore, it just feels like another part of me that died with you.

I haven't camped yet this year. I can't seem to find the energy or the time. Things have been busy and yet still wonderful. I just wish you were here to see my life, where I am, and give me that one little speech you always gave "Bambi, baby.. you're such a beautiful girl. You are a hard worker and someday that will pay off. You can have everything your heart desires if you put your strong willed mind to it" and i have.......... so far. A few more finishing touches on some books, the right person to help me with my website for my photography and i'll be exactly where you told me i could.

I thought today could go by with no tears. I was wrong. I miss you more than words can even say. I see you in my eyes sometimes, your spirit, your will and your strength. I often wonder how you held your strength in some of the moments you did. I dont think i'm as strong as you. You taught me what it's like to have an honest, loving mother. Someone I could confide in no matter what, even if I knew i would get in trouble afterwards, it was better to be upfront. I'm trying to raise my daughter as you have me, i'm trying to be first her mother, and guide her and teach her, but also kind enough to be her friend when she needs it. I think it is important in life to have your mother as your best friend. You were, you always will be. I have a few people that have filled small voids you left behind, you know the girls i'm speaking of- i have no doubt you've watched over us many occasion.

So Happy Birthday MOM- Cinco De Mayo- Your own personal holiday (that you share with so many other warriors who also, won the battle they fought on this day) thank you for all you've done for me, who I am and who i am becoming. Thank you most of all for the strong willed spirit, and being the most influential person in my life. I love you with all i have, all my heart, and I miss you so much my heart aches and tears flow without a muscle in my face moving to cause the tears. Thank you-

PS- It would be nice if you would come see me, in my dreams. Apparently you visit my friends... and latley you've shown up to tell me to come with you and you keep reaching for my hand, but i wake up before i can catch you. If you're going to show up... for gods sake say something this time- meaningful... like "Since when did you get into shoes Bambi" or "I love you too kid"... but i guess i can only ask so much of the afterlife, for all i know you're already moved on to be someones kid in this life, a brat at that! ":) I love you Mom. I can't say it enough. I hope your celebration is filled with all of those who beat you to it, those who have joined you since and more smiles and hugs than your tiny body can stand. Here's to you and your freedom:

My Mom's Harley Davidson Panhead- beautiful blue, like the color of her eyes.....the bandanna you see... i still wear, she never wore anything but Levi 501 and she looked damn good. My mom stopped ridding the bike after I was born. She sold it, for less than it was worth from what I understand. It was a show bike, it won awards. I have pictures of me with my raggedy Ann Doll standing in front of it on the show room. I'm sure Rusty, the bio dad would have some comment to debunk it all at this point and make me feel even more shitty about my mom. Seems every time he comes around me he says something horrible and mean only pushing me farther from ever wanting to see his face again. I wish he would only listen when i tell him, she never ONCE said a cross word about my father to me, no matter how absent he was in my life she stood up for you! She made excuses as to WHY you didn't know how to 'love me' or WHY you never called. In any case.... She was a beautiful woman, mother, friend, daughter, wife (to a good man- my papa) biker and most of all............ free spirit!