I am so sorry its been so long since i've posted anything new. Captain Keys- just another liar in the world of lies. here is a post i wrote for you ages ago.... hope it still applies :) so much can change in a month.
I watched an interesting movie last night. It is called “The Lovely Bones”. I was under the assumption from reading about the movie that it was about a murder (and it was) of a 14 year old girl as she watched from above as her father faught to bring her killer to justice (Mark Walberg… giddyup!) The movie started out showing the life of the family a mother, father, two daughters and a son. After the girl dies the creativity of the life after death experience is just amazing, it is, everything I would hope the ‘between’ would be and actually fit quite well the curiosity I hold for those I, myself have lost. The movie itself was disappointing, but just like real life, a lot of things never end as you had hoped they would. All in all it wasn’t the best movie I’ve seen, nor the worst and highly creative yet leaving blanks for you to fill in yourself holes in the storyline you could say. In any case, when you’ve lost someone in your life and you watch a movie like this, you tend to find your mind wandering around asking questions like ‘I wonder if this is what they felt’ etc… there is one quote that really hit me hard and was probably one of the hardest things to hold back tears- when at the end, the little girl who walks you through the movie and her murder finally ‘crosses over’ or goes ‘to heaven’ and she says “Nobody notices when we leave. I mean, the moment when we really choose to go. At best you might feel, a whisper or the wave of a whisper, undulating down. My name is Salmon, like the fish. First name: Susie. I was 14 years old, when I was murdered on December 6th 1973. I was here for a moment, and then I was gone. I wish you all, a long, and happy life.”
I remember odd things happening after my mom died, things that literally made me believe she was still here, trying to let us know she could hear us talking about her etc. Like her crystals flying off a hook hanging on the window in the kitchen, they didn’t just fall, they flew horizontally across the room hit the wall and bounced back, landing on the table before us as we were talking about her. I saw her several times in a near sleep state. She told me several things that ended up coming true mysteriously, like warnings you might say. Losing your mother is hard at any age, but three weeks before your 23rd birthday, right after you finally became friends? It sucks! I haven’t seen my mom in my dreams even or had any odd ‘happenings’ in years. Sometimes, my friends tell me of seeing her in their dreams and I get sad…… because why not me? The dreams, when I do have them are always the same, horrifying dream, not pleasant anymore if I do see her. This line… this particular quote hit me so hard last night- I wonder- when did she finally pass over? I know she’s moved on now, as I don’t feel her with me anymore unless I really focus on her and then it’s only in my heart and memory (which fades slowly with each passing year) but the memory, is really all that is left of her on this earth. I truly believe her soul has gone to rest, or in my belief, has been reborn and will continue to be reborn until she finds enlightenment on in the physical world with her spiritual self. I wonder, when WAS that whisper- because in my heart and mind this is exactly how it works. They stay, confused if they are alive or dead (maybe not all of them) some stay for a long time unable to let go of the life they left behind, some to sooth the family until they feel comfortable passing and others, maybe go immediately because they knew their time here was done. In any case, whatever you believe, whatever you might think happens in the time following your death…….. I wonder when my mom finally left? I wonder how long it will take before the memories become so faded I will have to look at a picture to always remember her face?
I find death fascinating- I always have in a way I suppose…. But once she died I became nearly obsessed with death, the afterlife, spirituality and not really religion but the beyond, what is after this life, what god intends and how he forms us on earth to be the people we become… mistakes he watches us make only to help us fix them in the end. when I get bored I read about death (www.findadeath.com) is one fascinating site! Inside look by a very interesting man ‘Michael Scott’ on the death of many of out dearly departed famous people- Recently I read that the new hearththrob Robert Pattenson believes he will die young or before a certain age. I’ve never heard anyone else openly state that before but I must admit, I feel the same way. I will be thoroughly surprised if I see the age of 40- if I do, so be it… I’ll be making the best of this life in this shell as long as I can; however since I was young I never thought I’d live an entire life and still to this day only two months from my 30th birthday, I am ok with it if I did die today. Granted, I would miss my daughter no doubt! My friends, my life- but I’m not afraid of what comes after this. I know who I’ve been in this life, I know the good I’ve done and the wrong I’ve done and in my heart I can honestly tell you I know I’ve done more good in this life than bad and I believe my afterlife, or next life will be that much better just because of who I’ve become in this one. So in any case, with the 7th anniversary of her death quickly approaching, I start to feel it in my body physically. I know it must sound crazy but the first of July every year since her passing has been a physically fucked up time. And until the DAY of the 17th, each day it gets closer, I feel more and more pain, more and more sadness and yet still a glimmer of happiness that she’s happy, where she needs to be… starting all over again with a clean slate.
Whatever your beliefs in this life may you find happiness, peace and love in every day you wake up. Find the silver lining around the damn storm clouds that seem to roll in at specific times of our lives. Seek peace within yourself, find peace with your maker and the surrounding world we live in. Forgive people as often as you can and waste no energy holding a grudge or hatred. Why not spend what time we have on this earth loving, smiling and making the world a better place in any way we can, even if it is just a smile to a person who otherwise would scowel at you and the rest of the world.
There is too much on this earth to smile about, even with the horrible things going on around us. No matter what the situation!!! There is always sunshine after the rain!!!!!! If you’re lucky you get to be directly under the rainbow! Peace!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
LOVE.... or whatnot
L.O.V.E.- everyone has their own definition of it. To some, there is ONE and only TRUE love. The one your heart searches for from birth. The one that fits you so perfectly in every way that you’ll know the second you make eye contact. Your heart flutters and keeps fluttering for weeks, months and years into a happy marriage and full life together. For others, You go through a trial and error. You love many, some more than others, some not as much as they loved you and finally finding someone that fits better than the ones before and the moment that takes your breath away you realize they were there the whole time. There is of course the reality of it for the rest of us, we do meet and encounter many people in a lifetime. We love many as well. If I sat and wrote out the few people I can honest tell you I LOVED (in a relationship stand point) I could only list in all honesty two that I would no doubt spend my life with, and yet somehow even those haven’t worked out for various reasons and my heart seems to believe that someday it will, but then again, reality sets in occasionally and I realize. And in the end only time will tell.
It is wedding season, and an exciting one at that. Two of my longest, closest friends will be married by the end of this month and it really brings a smile to my face. Maybe not all great loves have categories, because again, by definition we all have a different belife in nearly everything when you get down to the bare bones of it. You can take two people from the same religion, same church same subject and have two totally different opinions at the end of the day. SO with that said, I guess the purpose of this little rant today is that it truly is amazing how the human mind works. The heart, the soul, the mind, body and even spirit when it comes to affairs of the heart… love, sadness, joy, SOUL in general. Do we have a true soul mate? Sometimes I think we have several, each one in a different period of our lives, they come, make their mark and some stay for ages, some go as quickly as they came leaving us with at least a flicker of their character emplanted on ourselves.
The realization that everything happens for a reason seems to be coming more and more clear as I get older. Granted, I’m clawing my way to 30- so I’m of course in the back of my head thinking ‘well, it’s that time of my life……. Time where naturally, no matter how ‘grown up’ and ‘responsible’ you became in your 20’s, it’s like hearing the number 30 brings a sense of urgency to the ‘REST of your LIFE’. NOT by any means am I admitting to this as being old, I find my age and my place in life rather busy, hectic, and yet satisfying no matter how many obsticales come and go. I honestly look forward to the next cross road to see what lies around the corner, it excites me!
My daughter just turned six. Not that any of her past birthdays have been less gratifying, but this year, well…. It was like I AGED. I couldn’t stand there and look at this beautiful brown eyed girl so tall and slender and compare her to the tiny 5lb 15oz baby I brought home six years ago. She is truly amazing in so many ways. I stop some days in a jaw dropping realization that she’s becoming a girl, in a few years a woman and only God knows what lies around the corner for her, all I can do is stand back and watch, trying to steer her in the right direction knowing in the back of my mind, in my heart that she will become the person SHE is meant to become, only molded by life on her way. I’m thankful she’s had such a great, padded and happy life so far, and as a parent only hope this continues where for a lot of us end up with tragic shit forming us in different directions or causing reactions that echo for the rest of our lives. Life is an interesting cycle if you really sit back and look at this moment, right now………… Makes me smile really… the unknowing and the possibilities!
So… LOVE or the definition of can be so many things! The love we feel for those close to us, our friends, family. The love we felt or still feel in some way or form for those who have come and gone in our lives even the ones still here, in and out once in a while – in the end of the day, it is a nice feeling, LOVE to look at those in your life and around you that bring great things, happy thoughts, positive emotion and smiles that define love really……….. it’s all around. So why do we feel so lonely in comparison to those who have the ones they ‘love’ next to them in the morning when they wake up? Why so lonely when we sit and watch the sunset alone. We shouldn’t, not in reality… love is what we make of it. Not what we force it to be! Peace- Love to you all! Cheers!
It is wedding season, and an exciting one at that. Two of my longest, closest friends will be married by the end of this month and it really brings a smile to my face. Maybe not all great loves have categories, because again, by definition we all have a different belife in nearly everything when you get down to the bare bones of it. You can take two people from the same religion, same church same subject and have two totally different opinions at the end of the day. SO with that said, I guess the purpose of this little rant today is that it truly is amazing how the human mind works. The heart, the soul, the mind, body and even spirit when it comes to affairs of the heart… love, sadness, joy, SOUL in general. Do we have a true soul mate? Sometimes I think we have several, each one in a different period of our lives, they come, make their mark and some stay for ages, some go as quickly as they came leaving us with at least a flicker of their character emplanted on ourselves.
The realization that everything happens for a reason seems to be coming more and more clear as I get older. Granted, I’m clawing my way to 30- so I’m of course in the back of my head thinking ‘well, it’s that time of my life……. Time where naturally, no matter how ‘grown up’ and ‘responsible’ you became in your 20’s, it’s like hearing the number 30 brings a sense of urgency to the ‘REST of your LIFE’. NOT by any means am I admitting to this as being old, I find my age and my place in life rather busy, hectic, and yet satisfying no matter how many obsticales come and go. I honestly look forward to the next cross road to see what lies around the corner, it excites me!
My daughter just turned six. Not that any of her past birthdays have been less gratifying, but this year, well…. It was like I AGED. I couldn’t stand there and look at this beautiful brown eyed girl so tall and slender and compare her to the tiny 5lb 15oz baby I brought home six years ago. She is truly amazing in so many ways. I stop some days in a jaw dropping realization that she’s becoming a girl, in a few years a woman and only God knows what lies around the corner for her, all I can do is stand back and watch, trying to steer her in the right direction knowing in the back of my mind, in my heart that she will become the person SHE is meant to become, only molded by life on her way. I’m thankful she’s had such a great, padded and happy life so far, and as a parent only hope this continues where for a lot of us end up with tragic shit forming us in different directions or causing reactions that echo for the rest of our lives. Life is an interesting cycle if you really sit back and look at this moment, right now………… Makes me smile really… the unknowing and the possibilities!
So… LOVE or the definition of can be so many things! The love we feel for those close to us, our friends, family. The love we felt or still feel in some way or form for those who have come and gone in our lives even the ones still here, in and out once in a while – in the end of the day, it is a nice feeling, LOVE to look at those in your life and around you that bring great things, happy thoughts, positive emotion and smiles that define love really……….. it’s all around. So why do we feel so lonely in comparison to those who have the ones they ‘love’ next to them in the morning when they wake up? Why so lonely when we sit and watch the sunset alone. We shouldn’t, not in reality… love is what we make of it. Not what we force it to be! Peace- Love to you all! Cheers!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The Merry Month of May
If you were here, standing before me…….. I am no longer sure what I would say to you. These days, of celebration no longer feel worth a party to me, yet I try to continue the way you would have. I try more and more these days to remember the special event for my friends, and what family I have left. I sport a smile, never a gift because I never have money for it anymore. I pretend I’m not thinking of you with celebration and yet still all these years later it still sneaks up on me slowly……. Painfully.
May 1- brings such beauty as every spring, it just feels so much more ALIVE outside on the first of may.
May 2- The dream happens again and again and all I can do is take sleeping pills hoping that with those and meditation the dream wont come but it does.
May 3- I remember seven years ago watching you work on the finishing touches of the farm house, the new siding was glowing white, and it looked beautiful, only a few more panels to be put on. My heart starts to ache as if a mix of anxiety and pain try to attack the now frozen muscle hidden in my chest. We took family pictures that day. The first grandchild you had from your only daughter was growing inside of me and none of us knew. You looked terrible, you were so sick.
May 4- I was working, Adam was with you and papa. You guys had worked all day to finish the house. I was excited to see it! Adam and I lived in Monett and the storms were all over the radio but the sky was clear as we stood out in the driveway grilling steaks watching the darkness move over the north joking about how beautiful it was at our house when the sirens went off. We jumped in the car and took off towards Pierce City when my cell phone rang. It was you, telling us not to come over as planned because the house was shredded and the farm gone. It was the last cell phone conversation anyone in that area would have for a while, I’m still not sure how you got through to me. Against your wishes we tried to get to you….finally parking at the catholic cemetery. I remember the red old navy flip flops I had on slapping against my feet as I ran as fast as I could jumping over fallen trees and live powerlines. Tears running down my face not knowing what I would find when I got to you. When I first saw our town, my home town, the place I urged so much to be away from gone my heart broke and I ran faster. The distruction was horrific. It was probably only a two mile run from our car to your house but when I reached the driveway I couldn’t tell which end was up. The horses were bleeding, the dogs had debris in their hair. You were walking circles while papa made make shift pens for the horses. I stepped on a nail as I ran towards you with my arms reached out, you yelled at me in anger, and fear then we hugged. Looking around at the land that just hours before was pristine and clean, clear and beautiful the house almost new looking now broken down, shattered and filled with glass and insulation. It was the small closet/bathroom that saved you and papa. We were all in shock. That night each of us carried an animal- having to leave the horses of course, as we took our walk into town to check on the other house. I remember thinking to myself ‘this must be what an LA riot looked like back in the 70’s) with the helicopters, spot lights, powerlines snapping in the streets and emergency vehichles everywhere. I don’t remember any sounds, only helicopters echoing through my head. As we walked past the armory we all stood in horror as the building that once was the ‘safe house’ for storms had collapsed on many from our town, and rescue workers were digging to get people out. The building that once stood as a tall fortrice type building now nothing but a pile of bricks and frantic faces.
We arrived at the house on Locust and to our amazement it was unscathed except for one broken window. HOW? When just two blocks down was the worst of the devastation, how did it miss this house? We went in and that is where we stayed, you, me, papa, Adam and the animals……. In the light of a carosine lamp trying to figure out where to go next, trying to joke about the follow day and it’s meaning. Wondering to myself, how I would play the Beatles song with no electric
May 5- Happy Birthday Mom! You turned 47. The day after that tornado literally torn so many lives apart, it was the unhappiest birthday you’d ever had. It was the beginning of the end of the celebration of birthdays all around. May 5 2003- marks the last day I ever cared about a birthday.
A week later we told you we were pregnant, Adam and I. I wasn’t supposed to have children, it felt surreal, it was a great feeling. You were so happy you bragged to your friends.
May 24th- I had a miscarriage. You blamed it on the tornado. I was between six and seven weeks along. It was five am. I had been up off and on all night with cramps, knowing what was coming b/c of my hcg levels. Adam held me all night, he was still asleep when it happened. I did what the doctor said, I picked my child up and sat in the bathroom on the floor in tears and blood. You were the first person I called. What light the pregnancy had brought back to you after your sickness, and the distruction of that tornado went away that day. We cried so hard together, it was your first grand baby, one you would have met before your death that was staring us all in the face anyways. Your frail face held tears until they were streaming so quickly it was as if a dam had busted. That was the day you lost hope.
+of+IMG_1143.JPG)
May 1- brings such beauty as every spring, it just feels so much more ALIVE outside on the first of may.
May 2- The dream happens again and again and all I can do is take sleeping pills hoping that with those and meditation the dream wont come but it does.
May 3- I remember seven years ago watching you work on the finishing touches of the farm house, the new siding was glowing white, and it looked beautiful, only a few more panels to be put on. My heart starts to ache as if a mix of anxiety and pain try to attack the now frozen muscle hidden in my chest. We took family pictures that day. The first grandchild you had from your only daughter was growing inside of me and none of us knew. You looked terrible, you were so sick.
May 4- I was working, Adam was with you and papa. You guys had worked all day to finish the house. I was excited to see it! Adam and I lived in Monett and the storms were all over the radio but the sky was clear as we stood out in the driveway grilling steaks watching the darkness move over the north joking about how beautiful it was at our house when the sirens went off. We jumped in the car and took off towards Pierce City when my cell phone rang. It was you, telling us not to come over as planned because the house was shredded and the farm gone. It was the last cell phone conversation anyone in that area would have for a while, I’m still not sure how you got through to me. Against your wishes we tried to get to you….finally parking at the catholic cemetery. I remember the red old navy flip flops I had on slapping against my feet as I ran as fast as I could jumping over fallen trees and live powerlines. Tears running down my face not knowing what I would find when I got to you. When I first saw our town, my home town, the place I urged so much to be away from gone my heart broke and I ran faster. The distruction was horrific. It was probably only a two mile run from our car to your house but when I reached the driveway I couldn’t tell which end was up. The horses were bleeding, the dogs had debris in their hair. You were walking circles while papa made make shift pens for the horses. I stepped on a nail as I ran towards you with my arms reached out, you yelled at me in anger, and fear then we hugged. Looking around at the land that just hours before was pristine and clean, clear and beautiful the house almost new looking now broken down, shattered and filled with glass and insulation. It was the small closet/bathroom that saved you and papa. We were all in shock. That night each of us carried an animal- having to leave the horses of course, as we took our walk into town to check on the other house. I remember thinking to myself ‘this must be what an LA riot looked like back in the 70’s) with the helicopters, spot lights, powerlines snapping in the streets and emergency vehichles everywhere. I don’t remember any sounds, only helicopters echoing through my head. As we walked past the armory we all stood in horror as the building that once was the ‘safe house’ for storms had collapsed on many from our town, and rescue workers were digging to get people out. The building that once stood as a tall fortrice type building now nothing but a pile of bricks and frantic faces.
We arrived at the house on Locust and to our amazement it was unscathed except for one broken window. HOW? When just two blocks down was the worst of the devastation, how did it miss this house? We went in and that is where we stayed, you, me, papa, Adam and the animals……. In the light of a carosine lamp trying to figure out where to go next, trying to joke about the follow day and it’s meaning. Wondering to myself, how I would play the Beatles song with no electric
May 5- Happy Birthday Mom! You turned 47. The day after that tornado literally torn so many lives apart, it was the unhappiest birthday you’d ever had. It was the beginning of the end of the celebration of birthdays all around. May 5 2003- marks the last day I ever cared about a birthday.
A week later we told you we were pregnant, Adam and I. I wasn’t supposed to have children, it felt surreal, it was a great feeling. You were so happy you bragged to your friends.
Happy Grandparents
May 24th- I had a miscarriage. You blamed it on the tornado. I was between six and seven weeks along. It was five am. I had been up off and on all night with cramps, knowing what was coming b/c of my hcg levels. Adam held me all night, he was still asleep when it happened. I did what the doctor said, I picked my child up and sat in the bathroom on the floor in tears and blood. You were the first person I called. What light the pregnancy had brought back to you after your sickness, and the distruction of that tornado went away that day. We cried so hard together, it was your first grand baby, one you would have met before your death that was staring us all in the face anyways. Your frail face held tears until they were streaming so quickly it was as if a dam had busted. That was the day you lost hope.
Jaida at age two - Your angel in the background
However, years have come and passed. As you know Jaida May Worm was born almost exactly a year from the date we lost the first baby. I know it was your gift to me for leaving me just weeks before my own birthday. I know you, and adams dad and God sat and had a meeting, making a decision that would forever reflect both of you when we look into her eyes. She has your spirit, and your heart. She has his bravery and strength. The rest she got from Adam and I but we know every day where she really came from and so even though her birthday is really and truly the only one I celebrate with true happy tears in my eyes, a real smile on my face and hope in my heart. Tomorrow is your birthday Mom, you would be 54 tomorrow. I could crack jokes at your age and pluck grey hairs. I could cook your favorite German Chocolate cake and sing you happy birthday. Jaida would have a card for you, hand written and colored with such care. And so, we will. That is the plan. I’ll see you tomorrow mom. Jaida has flowers she wants to plant on your island, next to your angel that protect your ashes. I will make the cake and papa will oversee the operation. We will have a glasss of wine, or maybe a whole bottle, and I’ll be sure to leave some for you. Jaida asked me the other day if she can leave a piece of cake on your bench so if you got hungry that night you could come eat it (like santa claus). So when you see the single slice of cake at sundown, it’s for you. I’ll be sure to only put one candle on it, so we don’t burn the house down with the what would have been 54 of them. I miss you. I love you. Happy birthday.+of+IMG_1143.JPG)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Elements of Life
Tuesday March 31, 2010:
Four elements make up this universe no matter how you argue the point. My body, here on earth, of earth yet born in the fire sign. The water begins to cover me slowly until my entire body is submerged, surrounded by it, nearly worshiping it and it’s soothing qualities. Windows throughout the house let in the air, the soft warm sweet smelling spring air which causes the flames on the lit candles to dance in unison. I sink to the bottom as far as I can with only my mouth and nose sticking out of the water and just breath. I hear my heart beat, I hear the echo of the music as it softly sweeps through the stubborn blockage of the water to my ears. Most of all, I hear my breath. My lungs slowly expanding deeper and deeper with each breath, I hold counting slowly and exhale to the count of 8. By the time I do this about four or five times, I can be anywhere. My mind is open and ready for discovery, willing to see or feel whatever enters my mind but the beauty is, nothing comes. It is truly a moment of blissful silence in which my soul feels it has escaped the reality of the elements surrounding me.
As I exit the steam of the bath, the air seems to rush in faster, harder yet picking up in a subtle way as if not to be noticed. Drying me without even using the towel except to cover my hair. The room is dim, still lit by only candles, the soft sound of the water draining from the tub and the lavender still swirling around the room along with the air is magnificent. As I sat down at the foot of my bed, so relaxed I wasn’t sure I could walk even that far my earthly thoughts began to slowly come back to mind……… what if……… I wonder what……. How am I going to…… I hope…. I think….. I believe…..I feel………..and sadness came to me for a moment. all of these questions in my head, each thought leading to the other and so on, as if someone had just knocked down a house of cards or a line of dominos, one lead to the other until there was nothing left but a pile, flat and lifeless. And I had, literally fallen back onto my bed and began to breath again, slowly pushing each thought from my mind until it too was as weak and lifeless as the body in which it rests. PEACE
McGill "Lily" Nancy
(if you know the beatles at all you'll understand this one)
I woke up to silly Lily wanting to go potty, she’s the new puppy we’ve had for a month now, she’s wonderful and very smart. I stumbled around in the still dimly lite night looking for the light switch to the deck to let her out, blowing candles out around my room and couldn’t help but be thankful I’d woken up and not burnt my house down, imagine the irony…. Fire dies by Fire. Very few will understand that, but then again, only fire understands fire truly. Just like every other element…… we at least have the common element of our birth to hold us together.
I slept like I was in a coma, maybe I was after the mental purging of ugly nasty things that have gathered up through the past months finally gone and out for the air to take away and replace with pure clean thoughts and emotion. This day has been filled with the whispering of the trees, sun glowing through the windows, and feelings that not even I can explain, sometimes, even I keep my emotions to myself……. Really! Even those in my daily life know only half of my feelings or thoughts possibly even the depth to which they run through each small aspect of my life which amounts to one huge dynamic of events moving in different directions actually affects me inside. I share what I want, when I want, with whom I want to share with. Somehow the blog is the one place I feel like I can share and know that it’s my place to do it. You came here to read it, if you continued you chose too. I thank you for that. For listening to understanding or at least trying to understand such small things in my life, like my night last night, explained in the detail in which I felt it. Utterly Beautiful.
My day is done, I sit in the near silence of the house with nothing but the sound of the wind in the trees out the window sipping a wine spritzer preparing myself for another evening of a house filled with so much life, and yet when just one little girl is missing, feels as if it's empty completly.
I hope your day was peaceful, all that you wanted and worked at making it become. May your dreams wake you in peace as well and follow you throughout the day tomorrow.
Love, Luck and Peace.
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