Moments

Today, for the first time in what seems like years, I took a long hot bubble bath. Not the kind of bath you take because your too exhausted to stand in the shower so you just let yourself soak lifelessly for as long as your pickled skin can handle it… no. It was the kind of bubble bath where every small step of its creation was one of an almost passion. Homemade bath salts with extra lavender oil, lavender bubbles and Pandora shuffling only classical music. As I emerged myself into the steaming hot suds held together by an iron tub. Not just any tub, a classic. The Claw Foot Tub- in famous almost, with my family. For as long as I can remember my mother loved them and I never understood why until I got old enough to appreciate the slanted back and the way the iron stays cool under your body while the nearly boiling hot water surrounding you causes steam to roll off your legs and into the air as if a storm were brewing in the difference of temperature. The back hugs your shoulders as if to comfort you as the length of it supports even the longest, pale bruised legs. I laid back in utter surrender today, emotionally and physically drained to the point of tears. I laid back snug in the comfort of iron arms wrapped so tightly around me, just enough to hold my head above water when I realized something. The laptop placed on the very edge of the bathroom sink, was not only strolling through some of the most beautiful classical music I hadn’t heard in a LONG time echoed perfectly throughout the entire room, but my laptop itself had taken a break and the screen saver was changing slowly along with each note pouring from the speakers. As I laid there in amazement I watched my life flash before my eyes. There… on this tiny screen a picture of my life would appear. A picture, a memory, a moment forgotten until now. I watched as summers passed of such great friends taking road trips, the last mother/daughter trip I took with my mom and the amazing beauty that is Colorado. I saw Jaida, at Easter when she was two, finding an egg next to a concrete angel. The horses, me and my long hair so stoically sporting the long blond locks along side the typical Eagles Cheerleader uniform. There was that one from Prom, when I didn’t want to go with anyone who asked me, so I took my best friend Travis. It was the most fun of all four Proms truth be told. I see pictures of my nephew that I’ve not seen in a while now that made my heart sad. There were just a few from a certain concert, from a certain milestone birthday (30) and a certain person who is now, somehow back in my life. There were embarrassing pictures too, the kind that start with art… a bright green hand painted big dog chopper with ostrich seat and chrome everything! Then as the art changes a young girl, lost in a moment of youth, beauty, and intoxication showing a kind of appreciation that only bikers can adore. Smiles, Tears, love and laughter is all I saw for heavens knows how long. As I sat silently watching my life slowly float along with the music I realized something rather dark and macabre, yet to my mind, highly interesting. It was almost like a PowerPoint you would see at a funeral. Something a loved one would put together for one of my friends. It was all there, every important person in my life. Every person who touched my soul in a way to change me forever, it was there with music and all, as if I were watching the credits to a movie on TLC. I laid emerged in the pictures and music for so long the water around me grew colder, enough to give me a visible chill.




Days like this one, when for whatever reason the universe feels like it is literally falling down around you, moments like this tend to bring you out of it and remind you of all the amazing experiences so far. I went to bed with a smile on my face and a peace in my heart that I needed apparently because for the first time in a while, I slept through the night with out so much as a time check at my typical 3AM.



Peace and Love- Namaste

Just a little picture from the past to remind me who I was, and who I am ... 

The World Through My Eyes Today

Spring is here again, and I couldn't be more thankful. Although the nights of watching the small radar in the corner of your TV screen and waiting for the sirens to blare causing your heart to freeze momentarily then push your adrenaline into panic mode gets really old, every time they stop and I know everyone I love is safe and healthy makes the love of the season come right back to me I must admit, I am a ball of nerves and especially scared here alone, as if the thought of someone I love being with me is better, it just makes it feel more comfortable, the reality is I would rather be totally alone should ,by chance, another tornado ever hits PC again.

I have been writing off and on all day long, nothing substantial really, sections of my book that drew me into a dark part of my mind where I had no interest in staying, I changed the pace and scribbled a few poems but none to completion. I even started an entirely new story and after two pages hit a blank wall. I am unsure if it is the cosmic alignment, the upcoming full moon, the emotional shifts in my soul or all of it combined but this is the first time I've sat down and let words pour out of my finger tips and it feels good. It caught me off guard a bit to be honest. I found myself totally submerged in feelings I knew where there yet chased away, wanted to believe were not true and then some that confused the living shit out of me all in all trying to figure out which ones to chase off and which ones can stay. (tilts head back, laughing at the sky)



It's funny, to me, to look back at the posts I made a year ago, hell two years ago. Only I know where I was, what I really felt and where I was heading and now when I read them thru a fresh set of eyes. It makes me wonder how many different stories came out out of them because of the way they are perceived.


Tonight, the sky was amazing as the storms passed. I spent most of the evening ignoring it all by cleaning out my closets and blocking out the world with my randomness of Pandora stations on shuffle.It wasn't until I went into my kitchen go get more tea that i realized the color of the evening sky was that of the most amazing yellow. At first glance I honestly thought something was wrong with my eyes, the dark colors that last graced the panes of my windows was now replaced with this iridescent yet foggy yellow. I didn't take my eyes off the windows as i walked out of the kitchen, thru the living room and out the back door. I am not sure that i even blinked for fear it would change. It was surreal, almost like walking into OZ. As i opened my back porch door even the feeling in the air was dense, moist, almost sweet on my lips. I stood there in total silence trying to take it all in, trying to understand what it was i was seeing but i just stared. I took my phone out in an attempt to capture this moment, where the clouds looked as if they came directly from a Tim Burton Movie, and the air felt so soft it had to be a dream. I am not even sure how long i stood there but it felt like hours.

 It wasn't until I went back inside and looked at the picture I snapped on my phone, that i realized it was nothing like what i had just witnessed, no yellow, no detail, no graceful looking clouds dancing behind the tree limbs it looked, just like storm clouds passing............. it looked just... like this.....

Just like moments in our lives, I think we all see them differently, feel an intense emotion that makes our hearts ache or smile, see the color in something a little brighter than someone else, or hears that echo of beauty among the chirping of the birds and rustling of the trees.




I walked back into my house and sat quietly on the couch staring at the picture on my phone and it was as if the yellow was just for me, for my soul at that particular moment. I glanced back outside and the yellow tint was still there, but nothing like it was when i stood outside with my face to the sky. The birds were chirping loudly again, the train in the distance became more clear with each whistle and the small sounds of a daily routine came to life around me once again.

Is it silly to believe that this world existed, in that moment exactly how I felt it, saw it, and still feel it on my skin? Once i looked at the picture, it changed how i felt about the moment, was it fair to let this cause me to question my true emotion? Do I question things too often? Thank heavens I'm not a cat because my curiosity would have killed me nine times over by now because the truth is I am not convinced that two people in the world can or ever will see and feel the exact same things at the exact same moment. I want to believe that i shared that moment with someone else, that it wasn't just me getting caught up in the beauty around me that is so rare these days i let it take my mind to a new place all together. I don't want to be alone in this emotion i want to share it, i want everyone to see it how i see it but i know it will never be and that saddens me. For once, I want to believe it and somehow it turns out to be true, just this one time I want the optimistic girl I've watched grow old so young to have one thing turn out just how she believed. But, if even half of it came true the world would be a better place and we just couldn't have that now, could we?

I sat down once again pondering so many questions, wishing on days like today that i could shut off my brain but i cant, no amount of sleep aides help I let fear, and happiness, love and anger, frustration and sadness come flushing in at the same time and it is a lot to handle. I made a promise to myself not so long ago to always be true to myself. I took Shakespeare's words and made them my own in a place that forever reminds me never to let others make me cry, never let others hurt me but the more I read it and the more I understand it in my own right, the more I know that without the chances, the beliefs in life and sadly, the disappointments i would never truly know a great day, feeling, emotion, action or thought. Nothing would mean more to me than anything else and that, would be a waste of life on this planet. Cheers to scrambled energy and positive thinking. I suppose I'll ride this train until it derails or reaches it's destination, either way it's going to be a great ride!

Namaste-

Excerpt from Dreams-

His hand, wrapped around me holding tightly to the small of my back, began to burn, ache and yet I could not move Frozen, there eye to eye as he smiled at me my entire body began to feel as if I were set on fire. Tears fell from my face, blood drops falling down my cheek as quickly as they emerged. His touch was painful like a razor blade gashing at my flesh followed by the most intense burn as if my body were drenched in gasoline over and over again. His eyes, still fixed on mine, he leaned forward and kissed me. I could see the fire in his eyes, or was it a reflection of him in mine? I couldn’t tell but the pain was unbearable yet I was unable to fight him off. As he pulled his head back and smiled with his chiseled jaw line he was a thing of beauty, yet he was so evil, he WAS pain…. He was every bad, dark, evil, painful thing in the world combined into one being… today he took a beautiful form, how will he disguise himself to approach me tomorrow? I could no longer stand, I fell to my knees in such pain just wishing for death, any moment now.. the flames began to distinguish as I lay there watching the flesh boil from my bare bones watching him walk away I turned to ashes as he smiled and told me he loved me and as the lie poured from his lips, I blew away.

Just a Monday Post...

I am not a fan of cold weather, granted it is JUST now getting cold here so I should be thankful, but I truly have to take moments in days like this, when the skies are grey and bleek to mentally take myself elsewhere. The good part is, for those following the 'book' I have been working on... i'll have more time to post other happenings for you- be patient I can't put it all out here and with that said... i have 30 pages of randomness to sort out.... so here's my mental escape for the day:

Sitting quietly alone in my living room, nothing but the hum of the ceiling fan above, my mind races. I have been up since 4am from dreams that I cannot kick, questions remain unanswered and feelings burried deep inside trying to make their way into my reality. Eyes closed I burried my feet into a soft throw on the couch and curled into a ball as small as I could be. With each breath the vision in my soul became more and more clear, the sound of the fan was slowly becoming the soft lap of the ocean carressing the beach and when I opened my eyes there I was, alone on the island The place I so often visit in my head. My feet are burried deep within the sand and the water rushes along side my ankles with every wave that comes to me. The sun is bright, directly above me and the heat radiates my face, I can feel it heating my skin. I lick my lips to taste the salt of the ocean air on my lips and a smile takes over my face.

Here, in this place I am happy, I am safe and warm. I have no worries, no responsibilities, no time frame, no deadlines, nothing. I can breath freely with no pressure on my heart, or pain in my chest... I am free. Glancing out into the vast horizon of tranquil blue I can see a sail boat in the distance, it's white sails in full force from where I sit, appears to be just a tiny boat, a toy if you will. The sand is white, like snow. So white, in fact, looking directly at it while the sun is so bright can blind you momentarily but I do it. In this place the sand is soft, more so than anywhere else in the world, feet still burried deep within the sand I slide my sunglasses on and lean back letting my head make it's own place in the sand. The palm trees sway so beautifully it is like watching two lovers dance. Back and fourth touching one anothers finger tips yet never to embrace. Between those two palm trees is a hammock, ideal in anyones world. Closing my eyes again, feeling myself begin to grow sleepy, I succomb to the urge to rest... there, in my place, the only safe place I know that I am alone, that I can breath, that I can release the pain, the tears, the sadness and embrace myself again. The woman who hides with her feet in the sand waiting for her ship to come in... and then I wake... alone on my couch in a comfy little ball. I feel rested, at peace and ready to take on the day. I quietly thank my mind for being quiet long enough to rest my exhausted body and regain some strength. It's Monday, afterall................ I'm going to need it.

Til next time Friends- Namaste.

Somewhere in a Nightmare- Pt. 3

When I awoke I was back in my bed, in my loft apartment overlooking the small city park. Rolling over felt like such a chore but I had to see what time it was, hell at this moment I couldn’t recall exactly which day it was. SUNDAY, I realized as I relaxed again. I slowly pulled myself up to a seated position, trying to get my wits about me and wake up. I glanced to the right, where I had a giant window floor to ceiling and looking out I could only see the tops of trees and the skyline. It was fall, the leaves had all began to turn colors and in a matter of days would hit their peak and begin to fall drastically until each branch left naked and grey stood to face the winter days ahead. The skies were bright and blue, soft white clouds swept the skyline above the trees as if they were soft brush strokes from a delicate hand of a painter long past. Taking in the moment, I got lost in the breath taking beauty imagining that I was in another universe, one where the weather is always a perfect 78 degrees, the sun is always shining and the ocean was only yards away from where I was. I placed my feet upon the floor in a swift motion, almost running to the window in hopes that world I had just imagined would become a reality once I got there. Opening the window just enough to let the sunlight hit my face and the cool breeze carrying the moist smell of earth into the apartment I got lost in the moment. It wasn’t the universe I had imagined at least not the ocean, but a small city of old buildings and tiered street lights.


The dreams had become more realistic, more frequent. Each waking day I lived a normal life, getting up, drinking coffee, reading the local news paper which was by now almost a thing of the past but considering I worked on a computer all day long, I enjoyed the smell of the ink, the feeling of the paper between my fingers and the silence it brings. My kitchen, small and cozy only held one small table with two chairs. The purpose of the other chair was for balance of the decor really as I rarely had company. Sundays are the one day of the week I get to myself, to reflect on the week, to relax. Today didn’t feel like most though, the dream from the night before still lingering on my skin. My back, still shooting pains as if that fall really did happen. Who was the girl? What did she look like? Why THIS dream? Why now? I could no longer focus on whatever slander the papers held today, I’m not even sure I actually read any headlines on it, as I turned my attention out the window to see a man standing below my building appearing to be looking directly at me. Four stories high, I didn’t think much about him, I simply glanced back at my coffee cup, drank the last sip and stood to place it in the sink when the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. I had felt this before, in the dreams… Was it him? It wasn’t a painful fear of energy though, like when he arrives, it was just, an energy. I spun around quickly to see once again the man I had just almost made eye contact with but he wasn’t there. The street was empty, only fall leaves rushing back and fourth across the sidewalk and an old mini van at the street light smoking as if it were running on fire wood. As I sat back down at my table, picking the news paper back up there was a knock at my door, the energy returned and the hair once again stood up in my neck and arms. I was hesitant to move, thinking if I just didn’t move, breath, they would go away. ‘Bam, Bam Bam’ it came again on the old wooden door, but this time heavier, with more intent. The creepy feeling went away and was instantly replaced by panic when a voice behind the door shouted “Miss Fogler, this is detective Jacobson I need a moment of your time please”.