Mirrors

I’m not sure what is real anymore my life plays out like a scripted mini series but not as mundane. I know astrological signs don’t mean a lot to some, they mean everything to others and I fit somewhere in the middle, you know where you get an odd horoscope you just maybe NOT sign important papers that day. It can’t HURT to be cautious. I have this book my mom gave me on my 13th birthday, it’s a very important book. She got it in Colorado visiting my aunt, by the time I finally got it, she knew every family member by heart and had wrote their names on the pages. It started this little tradition. For every person who reads my book, their specific date of birth down to the elements they sign their name on the page. I hadn’t looked at that book until recently, at least not for half a year or so, and even then I hadn’t sat and read mine in a while. I remember in my early twenties taking a red pin and underlining every characteristic that was either dead on, and or I needed and wanted to change to be a better person. This book doesn’t candy coat it, it straight tells you what you are by naming you. I am the August 4- The Day of the Guiding Light. It made me smile with something from far within not just superficial who my braces kinda grin, a real intense, happy told you so feeling. I always leap to my mother when moments like this greet me and it is something completely out of the ordinary realm of emotion/feeling throughout your body. I hadn’t realized until maybe the past year and a half slowly that maybe I am in a way. Maybe I don’t see myself the way other people do. I did, at least the ones who's opinion shouldn’t have mattered to me to start with but since childhood I have had this overwhelming urge to please…. Everyone. Well that works like flying with an umbrella… not going to get you real far. Still though it hasn’t changed my make-up, my soul. I’m not sure yet, what my full purpose in this life is yet but I think I’m close, in fact, I truly believe the best part of my life is around this next rocky little mountain. I don’t mind it though the trip has been fantastic. I met someone at a concert three years ago, day before my 30th birthday actually. It wasn’t just a concert though, something you snap pics of, maybe take a video or two then leave it on your hard drive until you forget about it all together. NO, this was a three day concert with some of my all time favorite artists. So many, at the same times in fact, I only saw one show, start to sweaty finish and that was Eminem. Life changing. Sober. Talented. Small and explosive…. AMAZING. I wont go into the true cheesy sounding story of this man but he saw me, we talked briefly and parted ways the first day, he talked with my dad a few times I guess. Eventually the last full day we met again and he WOULDN’T leave my side. He was enamored with me, I thought he was cute, his eyes were true and damaged like mine, it’s not rare, it’s just not a spoken thing upon meeting someone. It was an amazing night. I saw the black keys for the first time live on his shoulders, best seat in the house. He was tall, strong, manly but genuine and kind…. At a concert…. That shit doesn’t happen ever they’re almost always total douche bags. Anyways…. We stayed in touch. Both of us in relationships that we discussed that night were were certain wouldn’t last forever, but that we were content, safe, existing. Two years we text off and on nothing more than small talk or the occasional flirt in the middle of nowhere. Nothing really. But we did get to know one another, somehow. We met back up in April 2013- I fell in love with him when he walked off the elevator and I saw him for the first time in THREE years in person. I was so scared, nervous, heart racing and soul flutteringly freaked out. He was too, almost pale. Awkward at first, yet comfortable we headed out to the best place to break the ice.. society/bar/restaurant/ DARTS- it went from there. I missed him every day from that moment we parted. I knew before the concert when we were sitting out in the sun seemingly in our own world yet surrounded ironically by so many old friends from Eureka Springs. It was surreal. Anyways……….. it ended the other day. I don’t understand any small bit of it to be honest. We were soul mates (I thought) we had talked about this (I thought) had even had this discussion our first and only legitimate argument and it was stupid/over our fears/our feelings/our lives. What I am realizing today, as the person I’ve become. The LEO I was born and will die as. My astrological sign is dead on, it couldn’t describe me more accurately. I thought so whole hearted that this was the man I would grow old with, laughing, making jokes and having the time of o ur lives up to the rascal races at the nursing home. My heart is big, this much is true. I am fierce/passionate. When I love I give every small particle of myself (if I trust you totally which isn’t easy to do these days) it’s happened a few times. That heart crushing ache in your chest and the uncontrollable sobbing. If you have not witnessed this kind of pain/loss it’s a grieving process regardless just like death and if you haven’t felt this and your even remotely close to thirty you are either super lucky or not human and I’ll go with the later. Because of my heart/my soul and lioness would best fit how I feel when I need to draw strength. I get knocked down pretty hard, left breathless and weak for days and days literally not giving a shit to the point I don’t even get out of bed for water I’d rather stumble to the bathroom turn on the faucet then turn around and go back to bed. That was me this past week. I knew it was coming at this exact day last week. Monday the 11th. I knew the way he kissed me goodbye that morning that something was wrong. Something was gone but it wasn’t me. I fell in love with a magnificent person. It ‘wasn’t working’ for him, regardless of what we felt (or I thought WE felt) together. It ended as if watching that damn car accident over and over in my nightmares. Just as you get to the car to realize they are dead it burst into flames and theres nothing anyone can do but stand and watch it burn with the silence of the adrenaline and the crackling of the gas tank signal the coming explosion then bam. Your stuck with residual side affects, memories that flash in your head. Sudden heart ache that causes your face to leak without even being able to control the facial muscles. Not even a sob yet, or all out cry, just a leak….. big tears both sides involuntary and the moment I opened this birthday book today I remembered who I am and even though we were only happy for seven months (no longer my lucky number by the way!) it was the happiest time in my life to ever have shared with a lover/boyfriend/husband/friend. It hurts like a son of a bitch right now, but I can smile when I think of him and the fact that it wasn’t wasted. It showed me the part of that LEO I put away sooooo long ago. The part that never TOTALLY trusted, believed, always had a doubt in her mind, caution in a way and an escape route in case the walls fall in….. she went away and I was emotionally naked to the world. My eyes, my doe eyes mom said she always told me that they put off a different light than most others. I don’t know about different, but I know it’s a pretty good one. My soul, the one currently renting out this shell, it’s been around a long time I can feel it. And I am finally that woman she always told me I was. I wouldn’t be so confident if in recent weeks I’d not had so many people comment on my ‘light’ and I’m there- in that place in life where I can proudly say I am READY for the rest of my life. I’m ready to SHARE it with someone though. The past seven months were what I want for the rest of my life. And I understand, he wasn’t on the same page as me. It’s ok and it doesn’t change that I love him. But it does tell me I’m approaching that place in life they call ‘the best days of your life’ I look my best, once these braces come off. I feel my best. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and I absolutely do like who I am. I might not be perfect, but I am the best version of ME and only getting better. And this experience, this only made me better and I thank you so much Mr. Husker. I miss you. I love you with all of me and I wish you nothing in this life but the best. Your amazing. You are driven and it shows and you are great at what you do. You will go far, you are becoming an asset. I hope someday we can sit and have dinner as friends, but that time wont be anytime soon. I have had to love you from a distance this time, I prefer to continue the process. I strickly cannot see your face without going backwards now. Not now that we are on different paths. NAMASTE- learn it. Use it. Believe it. See it Bams

And here we go again............

Have you ever felt something so powerful it consumed your soul, your very being? You dont want to let it consume you, it just does. The power of emotion, passion and laughter takes over and you give in even though something deep inside is telling you to keep your walls up, you bust them down, let someone in and trust with all you have. When I love, I do with with all of me. If I love i give with all I have and all I am and by all that i mean i would literally give my life for someone I love. It seems though, no matter how hard we try or how true it feels that love is almost never returned and within a short amount of time the walls of this blissful bubble begin to pop and realities sink in. I made this list, about this time last year actually, I am starting to think Fall is the season for men to decide suddenly they love me... but. ha! What a fucking joke anyways... love.... i can't count how many times I have written about the emotion that i can honestly say as of right now i KNOW exists but only in the form of love for other beings, not true romantic soul mate kind of love. I know regardless of all relationships people have disagreements, imperfections and love is what makes you accept those regardless of the situation. I do this, all thet time but am baffled by the fact I rarley get this in return. I dont want to give up hope but the straight logic of it all is, what's the fucking point? Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not fit enough, not rich enough, no boobs.... it's always something. But you know what I dig who I am. I just think it's time to be very selective upon the souls i let enter my peaceful being. I let someone in all the way, walls down and I regret it with all I am right now. I have not felt such pain since I lost my mother. In the end it will all be alright, in a bit I will be stronger, ready to take on the world again and a little bit cold hearted than before but it's best really. Apparently a girl like me isn't meant to be loved by one, but all my friends. Relationships are apparently not meant for me. It's always one extreme or the other, i love them too much or they love me too much. What a sick cycle - it ends here. From today forward i have revised my must have and must have NOT list for future dating, when the time comes they must meat this criteria regardless of situations and probably go through the friend test before they even get a first date. In the end, all things happen for a reason and I fell in love, got my heart broken and fell to pieces. Day by day i will pick up those pieces and put myself back together only to find the end result will be the best version of me. It wont be a mistake I make again anytime soon= lesson = All Men Lie- All Men Use- All Men Leave..... two can play at that game, but I refuse to go that low. I wish him peace and love - wait, I hope he figures out the true meaning of love better yet, god knows he must have read his version in fortune cookie. Forgive my bitter heart bloggies... i wish you all peace and light. Namaste.

Thoughts

I realized today, something I’ve always known but refuse to believe because of the ego we all hold so dear. While sitting back staring out the window of a 747 waiting to take off. Watching the size of these machines move around one another with such grace, wondering how many passengers in each of them waiting patiently to take off down several runways as we passed. The sudden rage of the engine firing up to take off holds so much power and intensity that it gives me butterflies. As we leave the ground the world that only a moment ago was just as big as the reality of day to day life becomes smaller and smaller, the life below seems more and more insignificant as we rise. Gradually floating through the layer of thick clouds that recently covered me in a shadow slowly fades and we rise above them into the light, reaching such a point that in a distance I see the slight curvature of the earths atmosphere. I realize just then… this is as close to exiting this particular universe as I ever will be, until the day comes my soul leaves this shell and since none of us really know what lies after this lifetime, I chose to believe maybe in this particular moment that maybe just maybe if Christianity is true- then I am as close to heaven, where the souls of those past before me are waiting to greet me with a smile or a hug and tell me ‘I told you so’ or ‘man, don’t you wish you had..’….. . OR, I’m just as close to orbiting the earth as I will ever be while alive. either way it’s a great fantasy. So it is moments like this, that I hope to look back on later in life, on the days when the skies are grey and the sun is nowhere in site, when I just want to lay down and not get up until it’s bright blue skies and warm weather. I want to look back at this moment and realize that if I can only get past that first layer of clouds, it’s always brighter once you do, and the farther we climb in that realm the prettier it gets regardless of what is going on down there on earth, where we are all so buried in our day to day drama and bullshit stress of life that we forget to stop and think about how small it all really is in the end. Our jobs will still be there and the issue we deal with today may just as easily go away tomorrow, the hunger and poverty in the country will be there when we land and the smiles we felt a few hours ago may turn to tears with the ring of our cell phones. I guess what it is I realized, that I’ve always known is, day to day, moment to moment the good or the bad, can come and go just as quickly as this amazing machine can lift my small insignificant life into the sky. It’s all minimal in the end, in the scope of it all.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day- Namaste

Moments

Today, for the first time in what seems like years, I took a long hot bubble bath. Not the kind of bath you take because your too exhausted to stand in the shower so you just let yourself soak lifelessly for as long as your pickled skin can handle it… no. It was the kind of bubble bath where every small step of its creation was one of an almost passion. Homemade bath salts with extra lavender oil, lavender bubbles and Pandora shuffling only classical music. As I emerged myself into the steaming hot suds held together by an iron tub. Not just any tub, a classic. The Claw Foot Tub- in famous almost, with my family. For as long as I can remember my mother loved them and I never understood why until I got old enough to appreciate the slanted back and the way the iron stays cool under your body while the nearly boiling hot water surrounding you causes steam to roll off your legs and into the air as if a storm were brewing in the difference of temperature. The back hugs your shoulders as if to comfort you as the length of it supports even the longest, pale bruised legs. I laid back in utter surrender today, emotionally and physically drained to the point of tears. I laid back snug in the comfort of iron arms wrapped so tightly around me, just enough to hold my head above water when I realized something. The laptop placed on the very edge of the bathroom sink, was not only strolling through some of the most beautiful classical music I hadn’t heard in a LONG time echoed perfectly throughout the entire room, but my laptop itself had taken a break and the screen saver was changing slowly along with each note pouring from the speakers. As I laid there in amazement I watched my life flash before my eyes. There… on this tiny screen a picture of my life would appear. A picture, a memory, a moment forgotten until now. I watched as summers passed of such great friends taking road trips, the last mother/daughter trip I took with my mom and the amazing beauty that is Colorado. I saw Jaida, at Easter when she was two, finding an egg next to a concrete angel. The horses, me and my long hair so stoically sporting the long blond locks along side the typical Eagles Cheerleader uniform. There was that one from Prom, when I didn’t want to go with anyone who asked me, so I took my best friend Travis. It was the most fun of all four Proms truth be told. I see pictures of my nephew that I’ve not seen in a while now that made my heart sad. There were just a few from a certain concert, from a certain milestone birthday (30) and a certain person who is now, somehow back in my life. There were embarrassing pictures too, the kind that start with art… a bright green hand painted big dog chopper with ostrich seat and chrome everything! Then as the art changes a young girl, lost in a moment of youth, beauty, and intoxication showing a kind of appreciation that only bikers can adore. Smiles, Tears, love and laughter is all I saw for heavens knows how long. As I sat silently watching my life slowly float along with the music I realized something rather dark and macabre, yet to my mind, highly interesting. It was almost like a PowerPoint you would see at a funeral. Something a loved one would put together for one of my friends. It was all there, every important person in my life. Every person who touched my soul in a way to change me forever, it was there with music and all, as if I were watching the credits to a movie on TLC. I laid emerged in the pictures and music for so long the water around me grew colder, enough to give me a visible chill.




Days like this one, when for whatever reason the universe feels like it is literally falling down around you, moments like this tend to bring you out of it and remind you of all the amazing experiences so far. I went to bed with a smile on my face and a peace in my heart that I needed apparently because for the first time in a while, I slept through the night with out so much as a time check at my typical 3AM.



Peace and Love- Namaste

Just a little picture from the past to remind me who I was, and who I am ... 

The World Through My Eyes Today

Spring is here again, and I couldn't be more thankful. Although the nights of watching the small radar in the corner of your TV screen and waiting for the sirens to blare causing your heart to freeze momentarily then push your adrenaline into panic mode gets really old, every time they stop and I know everyone I love is safe and healthy makes the love of the season come right back to me I must admit, I am a ball of nerves and especially scared here alone, as if the thought of someone I love being with me is better, it just makes it feel more comfortable, the reality is I would rather be totally alone should ,by chance, another tornado ever hits PC again.

I have been writing off and on all day long, nothing substantial really, sections of my book that drew me into a dark part of my mind where I had no interest in staying, I changed the pace and scribbled a few poems but none to completion. I even started an entirely new story and after two pages hit a blank wall. I am unsure if it is the cosmic alignment, the upcoming full moon, the emotional shifts in my soul or all of it combined but this is the first time I've sat down and let words pour out of my finger tips and it feels good. It caught me off guard a bit to be honest. I found myself totally submerged in feelings I knew where there yet chased away, wanted to believe were not true and then some that confused the living shit out of me all in all trying to figure out which ones to chase off and which ones can stay. (tilts head back, laughing at the sky)



It's funny, to me, to look back at the posts I made a year ago, hell two years ago. Only I know where I was, what I really felt and where I was heading and now when I read them thru a fresh set of eyes. It makes me wonder how many different stories came out out of them because of the way they are perceived.


Tonight, the sky was amazing as the storms passed. I spent most of the evening ignoring it all by cleaning out my closets and blocking out the world with my randomness of Pandora stations on shuffle.It wasn't until I went into my kitchen go get more tea that i realized the color of the evening sky was that of the most amazing yellow. At first glance I honestly thought something was wrong with my eyes, the dark colors that last graced the panes of my windows was now replaced with this iridescent yet foggy yellow. I didn't take my eyes off the windows as i walked out of the kitchen, thru the living room and out the back door. I am not sure that i even blinked for fear it would change. It was surreal, almost like walking into OZ. As i opened my back porch door even the feeling in the air was dense, moist, almost sweet on my lips. I stood there in total silence trying to take it all in, trying to understand what it was i was seeing but i just stared. I took my phone out in an attempt to capture this moment, where the clouds looked as if they came directly from a Tim Burton Movie, and the air felt so soft it had to be a dream. I am not even sure how long i stood there but it felt like hours.

 It wasn't until I went back inside and looked at the picture I snapped on my phone, that i realized it was nothing like what i had just witnessed, no yellow, no detail, no graceful looking clouds dancing behind the tree limbs it looked, just like storm clouds passing............. it looked just... like this.....

Just like moments in our lives, I think we all see them differently, feel an intense emotion that makes our hearts ache or smile, see the color in something a little brighter than someone else, or hears that echo of beauty among the chirping of the birds and rustling of the trees.




I walked back into my house and sat quietly on the couch staring at the picture on my phone and it was as if the yellow was just for me, for my soul at that particular moment. I glanced back outside and the yellow tint was still there, but nothing like it was when i stood outside with my face to the sky. The birds were chirping loudly again, the train in the distance became more clear with each whistle and the small sounds of a daily routine came to life around me once again.

Is it silly to believe that this world existed, in that moment exactly how I felt it, saw it, and still feel it on my skin? Once i looked at the picture, it changed how i felt about the moment, was it fair to let this cause me to question my true emotion? Do I question things too often? Thank heavens I'm not a cat because my curiosity would have killed me nine times over by now because the truth is I am not convinced that two people in the world can or ever will see and feel the exact same things at the exact same moment. I want to believe that i shared that moment with someone else, that it wasn't just me getting caught up in the beauty around me that is so rare these days i let it take my mind to a new place all together. I don't want to be alone in this emotion i want to share it, i want everyone to see it how i see it but i know it will never be and that saddens me. For once, I want to believe it and somehow it turns out to be true, just this one time I want the optimistic girl I've watched grow old so young to have one thing turn out just how she believed. But, if even half of it came true the world would be a better place and we just couldn't have that now, could we?

I sat down once again pondering so many questions, wishing on days like today that i could shut off my brain but i cant, no amount of sleep aides help I let fear, and happiness, love and anger, frustration and sadness come flushing in at the same time and it is a lot to handle. I made a promise to myself not so long ago to always be true to myself. I took Shakespeare's words and made them my own in a place that forever reminds me never to let others make me cry, never let others hurt me but the more I read it and the more I understand it in my own right, the more I know that without the chances, the beliefs in life and sadly, the disappointments i would never truly know a great day, feeling, emotion, action or thought. Nothing would mean more to me than anything else and that, would be a waste of life on this planet. Cheers to scrambled energy and positive thinking. I suppose I'll ride this train until it derails or reaches it's destination, either way it's going to be a great ride!

Namaste-