Silence is White

The silence of the snow is deafening. I sit staring out the window, watching each snow flake dance and twirl in such grace it mezmorizes me, transcends me into a different dimention/place/time. I’ve never been a fan of the cold, I prefer to watch it from inside, unless of course, I am in my 4wd then it becomes fun. The pure beauty silences the earth as it falls covering all that remains of the life still hanging on in nature, it covers everything, the ugly, the beautiful, the mundane only to transform the world for a small period of time, into a pure bright white light of silence and beauty. It blankets the world with such beauty for such a short time only to melt and turn uncover the once hidden items below, the dead trees, the dead flowers, grass and turns to a muddy mess. The once pure white flakes shoved into piles turned to filth and then winter shows it’s ugliness once again. Like life though we get to enjoy and witness the pure, the good, the beauty but it’s only a matter of time before the purity goes away, the beauty is dulled and the truth of what lies beneath the beauty melts away and exposes the things less than beautiful, ugly, hardening, things we wish to stay hidden, death.. The yin and yang so to speak. Within each of us we have both good and bad, it’s whichever we choose to let take over our soul that creates the person we become. Both are within us at all times. We often battle the emotions that cause the good, or the bad to arise. Life kicks our asses sometimes, ok lets be honest, a lot. Lately I feel like I’ve been in the emotional fight of my life. I have gotten back up though, I feel my strength coming back slowly, each day I get stronger emotionally and yet I fear the cold will set in again and that scares me but I’m working really hard to let others in, to try, to be me again and except any invitation to have fun, no matter what mood I might be in. No matter how badly I want to sit and cry or look at pictures that need to be deleted. I’m ready for the rest of my life, so bring it, the good and the bad… I’m ready. I just wish the pain would leave me alone, the person who causes the pain would go away. Someday I’ll understand why this happened to me, and it will help me heal completely, but until then I’m wounded, walking around in this world with my head held high yet rebuilding on the inside. I sure can’t let others know I’m broken, not now. I have to hold them up and if I’m not there to do it, who will. Have a wonderful evening my friends- Namaste

Beautiful Scars of Art

There is something about needles that causes my stomach to lurch and my back to tighten. Even the small ones they poke your finger with to test your colesterol. I think it's from being in the ICU for so long when I was 12, those IV needles are like twigs. Its funny though, with every tattoo you have there is always that one person who says 'did that hurt' I never know how to reply to that question, still don't because my idea of unbearable life changing pain is emotional, not physical. Physical pain is my reminder i'm alive without it how would i know when i feel too good? it's ying and yang of life only in the perspective of ACHES physical and mental. My first tattoo was a tiny LEO sign on the back of my ankle, me and my best friend Annie got them togehter. Real rebels back then at what 17 I went ahead and got the black WITH blue outline, it's all of the size of a dime and my grandma always told me it looked like a worm. I knew the minute he fired that tattoo gun up back then it was going to be some sort of strange addiction for me and it is, still to this day. HOURS later and up to seven depending on how you count them, pieces of art i have collected I am preparing to further my collection in the coming days. I have wanted a half sleeve of flowers and butterflies for as long as i can remember and so Friday I get the start on the outside of my sleeve. I cannot wait. I have chose to use my own photography going forward, every flower, every butterfly will be one of my own shots. If i can't make a living out of what i love, i'll have an artist put it on me forever. The flower i picked for the first piece is magnificent- I want the entire top of my shoulder joint to be covered with this..... It's funny. I remember the day i took this picture. The place so fitting for how i feel inside right now, Sunken Gardens. Beautiful really. Anyways, It seems to be a pattern with me. I get injured emotionally and next thing you know i have new ink. Every piece of art on my body has significance to it, some pain, raw emotion, happiness and even peace. Reminders, and memories, dates and meaning all pint up in that little gun with about 20 needles in it depending on what your doing. When the tattoo gun fires up it's the adrenaline equivalent to hearing the bars lock down on your lap anticipating the roller coaster ride you so eagerly waited in line for. The smell of the ink as the artist carefully examines the picture to match color for color laying out a pallet of small plastic containers full of color. The last time i watched this particular artist create the lovely lotus on the inside of my right arm it was different from the last three artist i let work on me. He was different. I watched him put two different pinks back in the box then pull them out and compare at least twice before choosing and all be damned if by the time he was done it wasn't one of my favorite pieces. The minute the needles hit your skin the sound of the motor on the gun dulls down and your nerves twinge through your body. You are made aware immediately that something is happening physically and mentally you check into and focus on THAT.... in a way it's a meditation.... at least to me. It's a pain, but unlike any other. Its therapeutic. watching the artist basically paint an image into your skin and the sound of the air compressor running the gun in the back ground brings you to the moment with no choice but to BE in the moment. Your attention, every nerve of your body is there.... under his hand. Soft handed this man, he made brush strokes as if it were a water color. I knew five minutes in he was going to OWN my right arm and I am proud to say i have my appt. Friday it begins. I think we all have our quirks, our odd vices, strange addictions or fucked up patterns we follow. This is mine. When i originally chose this picture to be the first piece to start the sleeve, I chose it because of the moment, because for only the second time I was getting this in place of a good memory. not a memorial, or a phrase to remind me to stop letting people walk on me, it was on my arm the moment the shutter snapped on the camera. The happiness i felt that day has been swiftly replaced by pain which come Friday will transform into reality, a part of me.... another memory meant to be happy that will forever remind me of RIGHT NOW. I can't wait to feel the cold trace paper on my arm as he peels it back and applies AD ointment- the smell, the sound. I can close my eyes and listen to the vibration of the gun against my skin, tearing and burning the same place over and over in a motion that would cause most to cringe it makes me relax because with every every physical nerve twinge something from the emotional pain goes away. As if the emotional wear and tear in my soul is extracted into this air and needle filled gun and deposited forever in my arm. With every stroke, every needle, every scar filled with INK my soul gets lighter, the pain in my heart subsides and i feel stronger. It sounds insane i'm sure. Physical pain to erase the emotional but i'll take physical any day. I dont have a lot left in my soul to be damaged anymore before i stop caring inside dont come back again. I dont want be the girl i was once, cold, heartless almost and with the first sign of emotion i ran. The unatainable because i was so scared to be hurt again i had no faith whatsoever in love. So this sleeve, with every payment, every appointment, every breath taking inch of this artwork is going to be filled with my true intentions, what is left for me. The rest of the girl i almost lost. If i hide that soft sweet girl among the flora in my arm she will be deposited forever and maybe later when it's time i can find her again a reminder of the possibilities my future hold, the reminder that i am capable and when the time comes and the stars align maybe i wont be wrong this time. Stay Tuned- NAMASTE

Mirrors

I’m not sure what is real anymore my life plays out like a scripted mini series but not as mundane. I know astrological signs don’t mean a lot to some, they mean everything to others and I fit somewhere in the middle, you know where you get an odd horoscope you just maybe NOT sign important papers that day. It can’t HURT to be cautious. I have this book my mom gave me on my 13th birthday, it’s a very important book. She got it in Colorado visiting my aunt, by the time I finally got it, she knew every family member by heart and had wrote their names on the pages. It started this little tradition. For every person who reads my book, their specific date of birth down to the elements they sign their name on the page. I hadn’t looked at that book until recently, at least not for half a year or so, and even then I hadn’t sat and read mine in a while. I remember in my early twenties taking a red pin and underlining every characteristic that was either dead on, and or I needed and wanted to change to be a better person. This book doesn’t candy coat it, it straight tells you what you are by naming you. I am the August 4- The Day of the Guiding Light. It made me smile with something from far within not just superficial who my braces kinda grin, a real intense, happy told you so feeling. I always leap to my mother when moments like this greet me and it is something completely out of the ordinary realm of emotion/feeling throughout your body. I hadn’t realized until maybe the past year and a half slowly that maybe I am in a way. Maybe I don’t see myself the way other people do. I did, at least the ones who's opinion shouldn’t have mattered to me to start with but since childhood I have had this overwhelming urge to please…. Everyone. Well that works like flying with an umbrella… not going to get you real far. Still though it hasn’t changed my make-up, my soul. I’m not sure yet, what my full purpose in this life is yet but I think I’m close, in fact, I truly believe the best part of my life is around this next rocky little mountain. I don’t mind it though the trip has been fantastic. I met someone at a concert three years ago, day before my 30th birthday actually. It wasn’t just a concert though, something you snap pics of, maybe take a video or two then leave it on your hard drive until you forget about it all together. NO, this was a three day concert with some of my all time favorite artists. So many, at the same times in fact, I only saw one show, start to sweaty finish and that was Eminem. Life changing. Sober. Talented. Small and explosive…. AMAZING. I wont go into the true cheesy sounding story of this man but he saw me, we talked briefly and parted ways the first day, he talked with my dad a few times I guess. Eventually the last full day we met again and he WOULDN’T leave my side. He was enamored with me, I thought he was cute, his eyes were true and damaged like mine, it’s not rare, it’s just not a spoken thing upon meeting someone. It was an amazing night. I saw the black keys for the first time live on his shoulders, best seat in the house. He was tall, strong, manly but genuine and kind…. At a concert…. That shit doesn’t happen ever they’re almost always total douche bags. Anyways…. We stayed in touch. Both of us in relationships that we discussed that night were were certain wouldn’t last forever, but that we were content, safe, existing. Two years we text off and on nothing more than small talk or the occasional flirt in the middle of nowhere. Nothing really. But we did get to know one another, somehow. We met back up in April 2013- I fell in love with him when he walked off the elevator and I saw him for the first time in THREE years in person. I was so scared, nervous, heart racing and soul flutteringly freaked out. He was too, almost pale. Awkward at first, yet comfortable we headed out to the best place to break the ice.. society/bar/restaurant/ DARTS- it went from there. I missed him every day from that moment we parted. I knew before the concert when we were sitting out in the sun seemingly in our own world yet surrounded ironically by so many old friends from Eureka Springs. It was surreal. Anyways……….. it ended the other day. I don’t understand any small bit of it to be honest. We were soul mates (I thought) we had talked about this (I thought) had even had this discussion our first and only legitimate argument and it was stupid/over our fears/our feelings/our lives. What I am realizing today, as the person I’ve become. The LEO I was born and will die as. My astrological sign is dead on, it couldn’t describe me more accurately. I thought so whole hearted that this was the man I would grow old with, laughing, making jokes and having the time of o ur lives up to the rascal races at the nursing home. My heart is big, this much is true. I am fierce/passionate. When I love I give every small particle of myself (if I trust you totally which isn’t easy to do these days) it’s happened a few times. That heart crushing ache in your chest and the uncontrollable sobbing. If you have not witnessed this kind of pain/loss it’s a grieving process regardless just like death and if you haven’t felt this and your even remotely close to thirty you are either super lucky or not human and I’ll go with the later. Because of my heart/my soul and lioness would best fit how I feel when I need to draw strength. I get knocked down pretty hard, left breathless and weak for days and days literally not giving a shit to the point I don’t even get out of bed for water I’d rather stumble to the bathroom turn on the faucet then turn around and go back to bed. That was me this past week. I knew it was coming at this exact day last week. Monday the 11th. I knew the way he kissed me goodbye that morning that something was wrong. Something was gone but it wasn’t me. I fell in love with a magnificent person. It ‘wasn’t working’ for him, regardless of what we felt (or I thought WE felt) together. It ended as if watching that damn car accident over and over in my nightmares. Just as you get to the car to realize they are dead it burst into flames and theres nothing anyone can do but stand and watch it burn with the silence of the adrenaline and the crackling of the gas tank signal the coming explosion then bam. Your stuck with residual side affects, memories that flash in your head. Sudden heart ache that causes your face to leak without even being able to control the facial muscles. Not even a sob yet, or all out cry, just a leak….. big tears both sides involuntary and the moment I opened this birthday book today I remembered who I am and even though we were only happy for seven months (no longer my lucky number by the way!) it was the happiest time in my life to ever have shared with a lover/boyfriend/husband/friend. It hurts like a son of a bitch right now, but I can smile when I think of him and the fact that it wasn’t wasted. It showed me the part of that LEO I put away sooooo long ago. The part that never TOTALLY trusted, believed, always had a doubt in her mind, caution in a way and an escape route in case the walls fall in….. she went away and I was emotionally naked to the world. My eyes, my doe eyes mom said she always told me that they put off a different light than most others. I don’t know about different, but I know it’s a pretty good one. My soul, the one currently renting out this shell, it’s been around a long time I can feel it. And I am finally that woman she always told me I was. I wouldn’t be so confident if in recent weeks I’d not had so many people comment on my ‘light’ and I’m there- in that place in life where I can proudly say I am READY for the rest of my life. I’m ready to SHARE it with someone though. The past seven months were what I want for the rest of my life. And I understand, he wasn’t on the same page as me. It’s ok and it doesn’t change that I love him. But it does tell me I’m approaching that place in life they call ‘the best days of your life’ I look my best, once these braces come off. I feel my best. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been and I absolutely do like who I am. I might not be perfect, but I am the best version of ME and only getting better. And this experience, this only made me better and I thank you so much Mr. Husker. I miss you. I love you with all of me and I wish you nothing in this life but the best. Your amazing. You are driven and it shows and you are great at what you do. You will go far, you are becoming an asset. I hope someday we can sit and have dinner as friends, but that time wont be anytime soon. I have had to love you from a distance this time, I prefer to continue the process. I strickly cannot see your face without going backwards now. Not now that we are on different paths. NAMASTE- learn it. Use it. Believe it. See it Bams

And here we go again............

Have you ever felt something so powerful it consumed your soul, your very being? You dont want to let it consume you, it just does. The power of emotion, passion and laughter takes over and you give in even though something deep inside is telling you to keep your walls up, you bust them down, let someone in and trust with all you have. When I love, I do with with all of me. If I love i give with all I have and all I am and by all that i mean i would literally give my life for someone I love. It seems though, no matter how hard we try or how true it feels that love is almost never returned and within a short amount of time the walls of this blissful bubble begin to pop and realities sink in. I made this list, about this time last year actually, I am starting to think Fall is the season for men to decide suddenly they love me... but. ha! What a fucking joke anyways... love.... i can't count how many times I have written about the emotion that i can honestly say as of right now i KNOW exists but only in the form of love for other beings, not true romantic soul mate kind of love. I know regardless of all relationships people have disagreements, imperfections and love is what makes you accept those regardless of the situation. I do this, all thet time but am baffled by the fact I rarley get this in return. I dont want to give up hope but the straight logic of it all is, what's the fucking point? Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not fit enough, not rich enough, no boobs.... it's always something. But you know what I dig who I am. I just think it's time to be very selective upon the souls i let enter my peaceful being. I let someone in all the way, walls down and I regret it with all I am right now. I have not felt such pain since I lost my mother. In the end it will all be alright, in a bit I will be stronger, ready to take on the world again and a little bit cold hearted than before but it's best really. Apparently a girl like me isn't meant to be loved by one, but all my friends. Relationships are apparently not meant for me. It's always one extreme or the other, i love them too much or they love me too much. What a sick cycle - it ends here. From today forward i have revised my must have and must have NOT list for future dating, when the time comes they must meat this criteria regardless of situations and probably go through the friend test before they even get a first date. In the end, all things happen for a reason and I fell in love, got my heart broken and fell to pieces. Day by day i will pick up those pieces and put myself back together only to find the end result will be the best version of me. It wont be a mistake I make again anytime soon= lesson = All Men Lie- All Men Use- All Men Leave..... two can play at that game, but I refuse to go that low. I wish him peace and love - wait, I hope he figures out the true meaning of love better yet, god knows he must have read his version in fortune cookie. Forgive my bitter heart bloggies... i wish you all peace and light. Namaste.

Thoughts

I realized today, something I’ve always known but refuse to believe because of the ego we all hold so dear. While sitting back staring out the window of a 747 waiting to take off. Watching the size of these machines move around one another with such grace, wondering how many passengers in each of them waiting patiently to take off down several runways as we passed. The sudden rage of the engine firing up to take off holds so much power and intensity that it gives me butterflies. As we leave the ground the world that only a moment ago was just as big as the reality of day to day life becomes smaller and smaller, the life below seems more and more insignificant as we rise. Gradually floating through the layer of thick clouds that recently covered me in a shadow slowly fades and we rise above them into the light, reaching such a point that in a distance I see the slight curvature of the earths atmosphere. I realize just then… this is as close to exiting this particular universe as I ever will be, until the day comes my soul leaves this shell and since none of us really know what lies after this lifetime, I chose to believe maybe in this particular moment that maybe just maybe if Christianity is true- then I am as close to heaven, where the souls of those past before me are waiting to greet me with a smile or a hug and tell me ‘I told you so’ or ‘man, don’t you wish you had..’….. . OR, I’m just as close to orbiting the earth as I will ever be while alive. either way it’s a great fantasy. So it is moments like this, that I hope to look back on later in life, on the days when the skies are grey and the sun is nowhere in site, when I just want to lay down and not get up until it’s bright blue skies and warm weather. I want to look back at this moment and realize that if I can only get past that first layer of clouds, it’s always brighter once you do, and the farther we climb in that realm the prettier it gets regardless of what is going on down there on earth, where we are all so buried in our day to day drama and bullshit stress of life that we forget to stop and think about how small it all really is in the end. Our jobs will still be there and the issue we deal with today may just as easily go away tomorrow, the hunger and poverty in the country will be there when we land and the smiles we felt a few hours ago may turn to tears with the ring of our cell phones. I guess what it is I realized, that I’ve always known is, day to day, moment to moment the good or the bad, can come and go just as quickly as this amazing machine can lift my small insignificant life into the sky. It’s all minimal in the end, in the scope of it all.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day- Namaste