I opened my eyes slowly, unsure of the sound that I heard. It was early, or late … in whatever sense you chose to call it, it was 3:47AM. Suddenly the sound came again, only louder this time. I sat up to see a shadow standing at my bedroom doors. They are glass, and behind the dark figure I see the bright light of the moon echoing off of the freshly fallen snow.
I pulled the blankets back slowly and leaned towards my feet, searching for the floor with my toes. My eyes never left the dark outline of the figure as my feet softly touched the cool wooden floors beneath me. I knew who it was. I could feel him. The second I saw the shadowy figure at my bedroom door, I knew exactly who it was. I could still see just his outline. The snow, lighting up the trees behind him in the distance. I unlocked the sliding glass door wondering if this was real, knowing it was him.
As I pushed the door back I could smell him instantly mixed with the brisk winter air that brushed against my face. Like a whirlwind I was in his arms and intertwined as if no time had passed. We didn’t speak. He pulled me back, only enough to grab my face as he had always done, and bring my face towards his. Even in the dark I could see his eyes. Blue like the most perfect summer day. Pressing his soft lips against mine, holding me there, capturing me with his gaze. I couldn’t help but rush my fingers through his hair, it was what he used to call it when it was ‘long’ to him… just enough that a small curl would form at the base of his hairline in the back side. It was the same; the fine, soft hair twisted and retreated through my fingers like water through sand. He pulled me up, hugging me tightly as if it had been an eternity since we last touched, and it had.
Standing still in embrace, my hands in his hair, my cheek against his neck and my face tucked slightly to his shoulder, I felt safe again, home, perfect………
I felt his heart beat as if it were my own our breaths were nearly in sync as we held one another silently in the dark shadows of the snowy morning. Not a word was exchanged, only our breaths… in and out. Deeply breathing in the scent I’d once known so well.
The excitement of his presence must have caused a time lapse because the next thing I knew we were slowly moving over the bed, sliding into place like two puzzle pieces. It was nothing of perversion, sexual lust or anything of the sort. It was a passion, a yearning, a dying need being fed…it felt right, it felt natural…. It was. And there we laid, tangled and wrapped around one another just breathing I felt a tear drop on my neck……………and there I lay, crying in my sleep. The clock says 7:32 AM.
I brushed the wetness from my neck, it was my tear… I looked next to me, expecting to see him, feel him still here, warm next to me like it was supposed to be, like it was just a moment ago. He was gone. I could still smell him….feel him. My heart raced. I sat directly up looking immediately at the door, the snow still lit up the ground around the naked winter trees and there was still snow on the deck outside of the door. Instinct caused me to look for them. The footprints, the proof. The real true sign that he was there, that this was real that he was there with me but the snow was untouched, perfect and soft in its silent existence. It was a dream. He was no more. He had been gone forever now. Maybe he wasn’t really ever there to start with, but he was the most realistic definition of love that my mind could ever wrap it’s self around.
*Comment my Friends, let me know what you think................... I have my book coming together quickly and love your feedback- chuck Dilmore... you still out there??? You're the Author- love to hear from you. Hugs my friends, hope all is well.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Life or Death
If I were to die today
the world would continue to shine.
My clouds feel so dark and grey
because you never were mine.
If sadness keeps my heart chains locked
And all of the smiles fake,
the love I feel inside my heart
will do nothing but further the ache.
Feelings of loss and lonliness
Take over my daily life
Wondering how I can continue this way
Makes me feel nothing but strife.
I love my daughter to the trust of true
And my father the one who cares
The rest of the world just uses my heart
To relieve the burden of theirs.
Thoughts of death make me smile
To see her face again
Thinking of things left behind
Material is all that they’ve been
If I knew that she would be fine without me
Or continue her life without hate in her heart
Then I would leave this earth today to see….
The unseen most beautiful part.
I’ve never felt as alone before
As I do sitting here today
I wonder how long a girl can go
Living her life this way?
the world would continue to shine.
My clouds feel so dark and grey
because you never were mine.
If sadness keeps my heart chains locked
And all of the smiles fake,
the love I feel inside my heart
will do nothing but further the ache.
Feelings of loss and lonliness
Take over my daily life
Wondering how I can continue this way
Makes me feel nothing but strife.
I love my daughter to the trust of true
And my father the one who cares
The rest of the world just uses my heart
To relieve the burden of theirs.
Thoughts of death make me smile
To see her face again
Thinking of things left behind
Material is all that they’ve been
If I knew that she would be fine without me
Or continue her life without hate in her heart
Then I would leave this earth today to see….
The unseen most beautiful part.
I’ve never felt as alone before
As I do sitting here today
I wonder how long a girl can go
Living her life this way?
Alone By The River
Sitting all alone
On a log beside the river
I saw your face beside me,
My heart began to quiver.
Your eyes like glowing embers
Full of something, I just don’t know.
What the future holds? … it might be.
Yet, so afraid to show.
The water runs so freely
Like the feelings trapped inside.
I wish that it could be me,
for right now, it has to hide.
So until the sunsets,
on a day we can see the truth.
You will be right there beside me,
until I give you proof.
By Bambi Hill
On a log beside the river
I saw your face beside me,
My heart began to quiver.
Your eyes like glowing embers
Full of something, I just don’t know.
What the future holds? … it might be.
Yet, so afraid to show.
The water runs so freely
Like the feelings trapped inside.
I wish that it could be me,
for right now, it has to hide.
So until the sunsets,
on a day we can see the truth.
You will be right there beside me,
until I give you proof.
By Bambi Hill
Alone By The River
Sitting all alone
On a log beside the river
I saw your face beside me,
My heart began to quiver.
Your eyes like glowing embers
Full of something, I just don’t know.
What the future holds? … it might be.
Yet, so afraid to show.
The water runs so freely
Like the feelings trapped inside.
I wish that it could be me,
for right now, it has to hide.
So until the sunsets,
on a day we can see the truth.
You will be right there beside me,
until I give you proof.
By Bambi Hill
On a log beside the river
I saw your face beside me,
My heart began to quiver.
Your eyes like glowing embers
Full of something, I just don’t know.
What the future holds? … it might be.
Yet, so afraid to show.
The water runs so freely
Like the feelings trapped inside.
I wish that it could be me,
for right now, it has to hide.
So until the sunsets,
on a day we can see the truth.
You will be right there beside me,
until I give you proof.
By Bambi Hill
A Memory Lost in Time
Occasionally out of the blue, a song will come on the radio, or shuffle on your iPod that seemingly catches you off track. It immediately puts a smile on your face, takes you back 15 years in an instant. To a place you knew and still know as one of the happiest times of your life. You close your eyes for a moment, standing face to the sun and let the memory sweep you off your feet, back in time, to that very moment.
I sit here, eyes closed and I can smell sandalwood incense mixed with the rush of ‘Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door’ Perfume. The beat starts slow…. “la la la la, la……” just acoustic Guitar and the soft sweet voice of Cat Stevens breaks in….. “Now that I’ve lost everything to you, you say you want to start something new……….” I hear her voice chime in as she enters from the other room in my minds’ eye I see it as if it were right now, feel the positive happy energy of a home created with love and smiles, happiness and a lot of sweat and tears.
She’s standing in the kitchen, the sunlight bouncing off of her bright blonde hair as if she were coming out of the sun itself. “Ohhh baby baby it’s a wild world” she grabs my hand and twirls me around “it’s hard to get by, just upon a smile”. Her eyes so bright when she looks at me I can’t help but laugh and then twirl her as she did me. As we dance, there in the spring afternoon… the windows open letting in the cool crisp air, it swirls in with the scent of her perfume and incense making a permanent mark in my heart, my mind and most importantly my soul.
“You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do”, she sings softly holding her hand across her heart with a look of intensity in her eyes. She always sang this song to me it wasn’t just a song for us, it was her message… through the art of a man so many didn’t understand directly to me, yet I wouldn’t realize that until she was gone…. “and it’s breaking my heart in two, cause I never want to see you sad girl…. Don’t be a bad girl!”…. “If you wanna leave take good care, hope you make a lot of nice friends out there, just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware!.... ooh baby baby it’s a wild world……it’s hard to get by just upon a smile. Oh baby baby it’s a wild world and I’ll always remember you like a child girl (la la la mixed with piano) BABY I LOVE YOU!” (we would sing as loudly as possible)
By this time we are moving around the room like I used to imagine hippies did at Woodstock, eyes closed holding hands, swaying back and forth singing softly to one another dancing in and out of the smoky rays of sun coming through the windows with the bright spring colors following, as if they had joined our soul dance.
“I’ll always remember you, like a child girl……………. “ the song faded away just as softly as it had begun. Opening my eyes, I realize I’m not there, in that house with my mom, but for a minute I was. A small tear forms in the corner of my eye. Wiping it away and breathing in, sitting up straight in my chair, a tear falls involuntarily before I can catch it with my aged fingers, the fingers that are starting to look like hers, but with finger nails. I smile glancing inconspicuously into the reflection of the picture of her and I, checking to be sure my makeup wasn’t smeared where the small drop of emotion had escaped. It’s all good. I got to be 15 again, even if just for a moment, even if just in a day dream, a memory, She was here with me, memory or not I can still smell her and I can’t help but smile. I hear her in my voice sometimes, I see her reflection as I walk past a mirror. I try to avoid it mostly, it’s the only thing that makes the day bearable sometimes … just knowing that a huge part of me is just like her, it makes it easy not to miss her as much.
There is a little brown eyed girl sitting in school right now, she has her daddy’s eyes and nose, but her mommy’s smile and the same spark that runs in the eye of every woman in our family. It’s a fire. It burns deep, it’s strong. It’s what gets us through the tough days and lights us up on the great ones. It’s the god within us, there passed down from generation to generation to remind us when we do catch that glimpse, that spark, that fire………. To hold our head up, smile and keep on dancing!
I sit here, eyes closed and I can smell sandalwood incense mixed with the rush of ‘Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door’ Perfume. The beat starts slow…. “la la la la, la……” just acoustic Guitar and the soft sweet voice of Cat Stevens breaks in….. “Now that I’ve lost everything to you, you say you want to start something new……….” I hear her voice chime in as she enters from the other room in my minds’ eye I see it as if it were right now, feel the positive happy energy of a home created with love and smiles, happiness and a lot of sweat and tears.
She’s standing in the kitchen, the sunlight bouncing off of her bright blonde hair as if she were coming out of the sun itself. “Ohhh baby baby it’s a wild world” she grabs my hand and twirls me around “it’s hard to get by, just upon a smile”. Her eyes so bright when she looks at me I can’t help but laugh and then twirl her as she did me. As we dance, there in the spring afternoon… the windows open letting in the cool crisp air, it swirls in with the scent of her perfume and incense making a permanent mark in my heart, my mind and most importantly my soul.
“You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do”, she sings softly holding her hand across her heart with a look of intensity in her eyes. She always sang this song to me it wasn’t just a song for us, it was her message… through the art of a man so many didn’t understand directly to me, yet I wouldn’t realize that until she was gone…. “and it’s breaking my heart in two, cause I never want to see you sad girl…. Don’t be a bad girl!”…. “If you wanna leave take good care, hope you make a lot of nice friends out there, just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware!.... ooh baby baby it’s a wild world……it’s hard to get by just upon a smile. Oh baby baby it’s a wild world and I’ll always remember you like a child girl (la la la mixed with piano) BABY I LOVE YOU!” (we would sing as loudly as possible)
By this time we are moving around the room like I used to imagine hippies did at Woodstock, eyes closed holding hands, swaying back and forth singing softly to one another dancing in and out of the smoky rays of sun coming through the windows with the bright spring colors following, as if they had joined our soul dance.
“I’ll always remember you, like a child girl……………. “ the song faded away just as softly as it had begun. Opening my eyes, I realize I’m not there, in that house with my mom, but for a minute I was. A small tear forms in the corner of my eye. Wiping it away and breathing in, sitting up straight in my chair, a tear falls involuntarily before I can catch it with my aged fingers, the fingers that are starting to look like hers, but with finger nails. I smile glancing inconspicuously into the reflection of the picture of her and I, checking to be sure my makeup wasn’t smeared where the small drop of emotion had escaped. It’s all good. I got to be 15 again, even if just for a moment, even if just in a day dream, a memory, She was here with me, memory or not I can still smell her and I can’t help but smile. I hear her in my voice sometimes, I see her reflection as I walk past a mirror. I try to avoid it mostly, it’s the only thing that makes the day bearable sometimes … just knowing that a huge part of me is just like her, it makes it easy not to miss her as much.
There is a little brown eyed girl sitting in school right now, she has her daddy’s eyes and nose, but her mommy’s smile and the same spark that runs in the eye of every woman in our family. It’s a fire. It burns deep, it’s strong. It’s what gets us through the tough days and lights us up on the great ones. It’s the god within us, there passed down from generation to generation to remind us when we do catch that glimpse, that spark, that fire………. To hold our head up, smile and keep on dancing!
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