Excerpt from Dreams-

His hand, wrapped around me holding tightly to the small of my back, began to burn, ache and yet I could not move Frozen, there eye to eye as he smiled at me my entire body began to feel as if I were set on fire. Tears fell from my face, blood drops falling down my cheek as quickly as they emerged. His touch was painful like a razor blade gashing at my flesh followed by the most intense burn as if my body were drenched in gasoline over and over again. His eyes, still fixed on mine, he leaned forward and kissed me. I could see the fire in his eyes, or was it a reflection of him in mine? I couldn’t tell but the pain was unbearable yet I was unable to fight him off. As he pulled his head back and smiled with his chiseled jaw line he was a thing of beauty, yet he was so evil, he WAS pain…. He was every bad, dark, evil, painful thing in the world combined into one being… today he took a beautiful form, how will he disguise himself to approach me tomorrow? I could no longer stand, I fell to my knees in such pain just wishing for death, any moment now.. the flames began to distinguish as I lay there watching the flesh boil from my bare bones watching him walk away I turned to ashes as he smiled and told me he loved me and as the lie poured from his lips, I blew away.

Just a Monday Post...

I am not a fan of cold weather, granted it is JUST now getting cold here so I should be thankful, but I truly have to take moments in days like this, when the skies are grey and bleek to mentally take myself elsewhere. The good part is, for those following the 'book' I have been working on... i'll have more time to post other happenings for you- be patient I can't put it all out here and with that said... i have 30 pages of randomness to sort out.... so here's my mental escape for the day:

Sitting quietly alone in my living room, nothing but the hum of the ceiling fan above, my mind races. I have been up since 4am from dreams that I cannot kick, questions remain unanswered and feelings burried deep inside trying to make their way into my reality. Eyes closed I burried my feet into a soft throw on the couch and curled into a ball as small as I could be. With each breath the vision in my soul became more and more clear, the sound of the fan was slowly becoming the soft lap of the ocean carressing the beach and when I opened my eyes there I was, alone on the island The place I so often visit in my head. My feet are burried deep within the sand and the water rushes along side my ankles with every wave that comes to me. The sun is bright, directly above me and the heat radiates my face, I can feel it heating my skin. I lick my lips to taste the salt of the ocean air on my lips and a smile takes over my face.

Here, in this place I am happy, I am safe and warm. I have no worries, no responsibilities, no time frame, no deadlines, nothing. I can breath freely with no pressure on my heart, or pain in my chest... I am free. Glancing out into the vast horizon of tranquil blue I can see a sail boat in the distance, it's white sails in full force from where I sit, appears to be just a tiny boat, a toy if you will. The sand is white, like snow. So white, in fact, looking directly at it while the sun is so bright can blind you momentarily but I do it. In this place the sand is soft, more so than anywhere else in the world, feet still burried deep within the sand I slide my sunglasses on and lean back letting my head make it's own place in the sand. The palm trees sway so beautifully it is like watching two lovers dance. Back and fourth touching one anothers finger tips yet never to embrace. Between those two palm trees is a hammock, ideal in anyones world. Closing my eyes again, feeling myself begin to grow sleepy, I succomb to the urge to rest... there, in my place, the only safe place I know that I am alone, that I can breath, that I can release the pain, the tears, the sadness and embrace myself again. The woman who hides with her feet in the sand waiting for her ship to come in... and then I wake... alone on my couch in a comfy little ball. I feel rested, at peace and ready to take on the day. I quietly thank my mind for being quiet long enough to rest my exhausted body and regain some strength. It's Monday, afterall................ I'm going to need it.

Til next time Friends- Namaste.

Somewhere in a Nightmare- Pt. 3

When I awoke I was back in my bed, in my loft apartment overlooking the small city park. Rolling over felt like such a chore but I had to see what time it was, hell at this moment I couldn’t recall exactly which day it was. SUNDAY, I realized as I relaxed again. I slowly pulled myself up to a seated position, trying to get my wits about me and wake up. I glanced to the right, where I had a giant window floor to ceiling and looking out I could only see the tops of trees and the skyline. It was fall, the leaves had all began to turn colors and in a matter of days would hit their peak and begin to fall drastically until each branch left naked and grey stood to face the winter days ahead. The skies were bright and blue, soft white clouds swept the skyline above the trees as if they were soft brush strokes from a delicate hand of a painter long past. Taking in the moment, I got lost in the breath taking beauty imagining that I was in another universe, one where the weather is always a perfect 78 degrees, the sun is always shining and the ocean was only yards away from where I was. I placed my feet upon the floor in a swift motion, almost running to the window in hopes that world I had just imagined would become a reality once I got there. Opening the window just enough to let the sunlight hit my face and the cool breeze carrying the moist smell of earth into the apartment I got lost in the moment. It wasn’t the universe I had imagined at least not the ocean, but a small city of old buildings and tiered street lights.


The dreams had become more realistic, more frequent. Each waking day I lived a normal life, getting up, drinking coffee, reading the local news paper which was by now almost a thing of the past but considering I worked on a computer all day long, I enjoyed the smell of the ink, the feeling of the paper between my fingers and the silence it brings. My kitchen, small and cozy only held one small table with two chairs. The purpose of the other chair was for balance of the decor really as I rarely had company. Sundays are the one day of the week I get to myself, to reflect on the week, to relax. Today didn’t feel like most though, the dream from the night before still lingering on my skin. My back, still shooting pains as if that fall really did happen. Who was the girl? What did she look like? Why THIS dream? Why now? I could no longer focus on whatever slander the papers held today, I’m not even sure I actually read any headlines on it, as I turned my attention out the window to see a man standing below my building appearing to be looking directly at me. Four stories high, I didn’t think much about him, I simply glanced back at my coffee cup, drank the last sip and stood to place it in the sink when the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. I had felt this before, in the dreams… Was it him? It wasn’t a painful fear of energy though, like when he arrives, it was just, an energy. I spun around quickly to see once again the man I had just almost made eye contact with but he wasn’t there. The street was empty, only fall leaves rushing back and fourth across the sidewalk and an old mini van at the street light smoking as if it were running on fire wood. As I sat back down at my table, picking the news paper back up there was a knock at my door, the energy returned and the hair once again stood up in my neck and arms. I was hesitant to move, thinking if I just didn’t move, breath, they would go away. ‘Bam, Bam Bam’ it came again on the old wooden door, but this time heavier, with more intent. The creepy feeling went away and was instantly replaced by panic when a voice behind the door shouted “Miss Fogler, this is detective Jacobson I need a moment of your time please”.

Somewhere in a Nightmare: Face to Face with Evil- close to the end of the actual story

With my tiered eyes fixed upon the looming dark cloud in the distance I could feel the electrical storm throughout my body. The tiny hairs on my arms stood on end and my heart began to race. I knew it was coming with every flash of silent lightening in the distance my eyes flickered around me to be sure I was still here alone. The summer heat pushed towards me with a smothering breeze of moist heat leaving my face in an almost cold sweat letting me know he wasn't far behind. Silence was always a wonderful part of living but not this kind of silence, when you know that only moments away you face life or death and no-one can be sure of the outcome. I stood still, face expressionless as if to taunt the oncoming evil and let him know I am still unchanged, and ready to take his ass down, or at least die trying.

I didn't spend the past few years of my life working on myself, helping others and trying to love and be kind to all beings only to be erased by some UN-significant force that spreads hatred and fear through the bones of any willing participant. With the sound of the trees rustling, I knew he was closer than before and when the crash from above deafened me and knocked me to my knees i knew that now, was the time to open my eyes and face him.

I looked up from the hot asphalt beneath me, and there he stood. Over six feet tall, dark eyes no longer pretending to have a soul at all staring down at me with that cocky evil grin. His facial features perfect, attractive to any woman, until she got sucked into his hell on earth, he was built like every man dreams to be built only boiling deep within his soul was nothing but a black, dark tar of hate and anger and the wish to ruin anything in his path. Still peering down at me with those deep evil eyes he reached for my hand, as if to offer to help me to my feet. I leaned away and slowly kept my gaze with his as I helped my own self to my feet. I knew that this was it, the moment where one of us dies...and i would be sure it wasn't me.

As he reached underneath his overcoat to retrieve a long dagger, the gleam from the blade caught my eye. As I reached for my weapon it was not fast enough, with one fail swoop  he removed my right hand and most of my arm. I slumped in pain as he stood over me laughing, demanding I give him what he came for. I would die before that day came.... i reached quickly behind me, pulled my 357 and fired the entire magazine into his head. He fell before me into his own puddle of blood, that now began to run towards mine, towards my arm.... He was gone, at least for now... but he'll be back soon enough. I stood to my feet trying to gather my thoughts. the pain was horrible and i felt uneasy as if i were about to pass out when suddenly his hand grasp my foot, tightly around my ankle yanking me backwards to the ground... everything went black.

Somewhere in a Nightmare PT.2

The pain behind my eyes was excruciating, opening them was not an option at this point. The natural motion when your head aches this bad is to immediately place your hand there to ease your pain but my hands wouldn’t move. Nothing on my body would move. I began to panic breathing in and out as quickly as my lungs would allow only to realize my breath was returning to my face with a sweltering heat, after each breath. I tried to scream to the point that my throat hurt but no sound was escaping, only silent breath followed by sound of my heart beating, loudly, throbbing inside my temples with each beat of my heart. It was apparent now that fighting wasn’t an option so I did my best to calm my breathing and center myself. I needed to know where I was, the ‘who’ was pretty obvious. You can break something that is already broken so he planned to keep me here until my last breath to get the answer he seeks from my dying lips, but he underestimated me. As my heart began to calm and my breaths became more shallow I could hear footsteps from a distance, growing closer and closer but from which direction I couldn’t tell, was I underground? Was I in the air, where did that bastard decide to place me while he watched me die. My eyes, still swollen shut tried to open but to no avail. Just then, my body fell what seemed like ten feet onto the cold hard floor with a hollowing thud. The pain was unbearable and with all of the energy I had left in my body the words ‘Stop’ came streaming out without thought.


I lay there, on my back waiting for something, anything, a smart ass comment, another physical beating but nothing… not even his sick demonic laughter wasn’t there to taunt me. My body was free now, at least not in-closed I could feel a cord of some kind as I tried to move my hands, a cord wrapped so tightly around my wrists it shot a stabbing pain through each arm the more I tried to move. Under my body was cold concrete, it felt damp to my weak hands, I went limp in despair and could feel the warm tears flowing involuntarily down each side of my face and as the first tear reached my right temple I felt a cold wet cloth brush against my face causing me to jerk sideways. “Shh, don’t move” I heard, in a soft feminine voice, barley a whisper. The cloth touched my forehead and slowly moved down the left side of my face and over my eyes then pulled away. towards my feet I could hear the trickle of water and the clank of something metal. I tried to speak but before I could even force out any sound a small hand slammed across my mouth with an intensity that needed no words. The cloth began to kindly touch my face, again and again until I could tell the dried blood on my face was gone, the tightness I felt in my skin before wasn’t there, I could move my mouth, my lips freely without the pressure on my skin. “open” she said quietly, with one finger on my bottom lip, I had no choice to fight her off I had no energy and the pain throughout every inch of my body was so severe by now that death was a welcome notion. “you’ll feel better if you eat this” as a small capsule was placed on my tongue and a metal bowl of water held against my cheek. I tried to lift my head, and with the help of the small hand on my neck took a sip of the liquid and as I swallowed I felt the pain slowly leave my body an inch at a time, I began to fully relax and I could feel myself falling asleep.

Somewhere in a Nightmare

When I awoke it was daylight, my surroundings had changed. My eyes flickered painfully towards the light streaming in from the broken window above me. It took a moment to catch my breath, as I sat up slowly to examine myself. Intact, no cuts, scrapes or burns, my right hand was still there, it must have been a dream, again. I looked around at the dilapidated area in which I had awoke. This wasn’t familiar, it sure wasn’t a place I felt safe. I quickly gathered my wits and pulled myself up on the chair that sat directly in front of me. The room was large, at least thirty to forty feet in height. The walls held tightly to what remained of the wallpaper. I could tell it was once a thing of beauty that was now ran down with time and weather it was peeling off in strips with a delicate breeze. A Fireplace at the far end of the room caught my eye it looked out of place here. It appeared to be white marble with a beautiful gold framed mirror hanging at an angle above it. I took a step towards the fireplace only to catch my foot on something and stumble to the ground. I could feel it, the hand around my ankle… squeezing tighter and tighter and I knew this was just another dream. I closed my eyes and tried to thank of the happiest moment to escape this terrible place but nothing came, the grip only got worse and began to pull me backwards. Yanking my leg as I turned my head to see what it was that had ahold of me I realized that part of him had come along with me. He was gone, the Devil, but his hand which looked as if it were severed by an animal’s teeth still clings to my leg as if he was still here and that was not a dream. Shaking my leg violently, the hand came undone and I sat in utter fear staring at it. I knew it was his, the ring was still on his middle finger but I also knew he couldn’t still be alive if his entire hand was here, with me, right? Grasping at the finger on which the gold ring was fitted so tightly, while trying not to look at the dark red blood dripping from the finger tips that touched my hands and slid carefully down my arm, I took the ring directly to my pocket and threw  the cold bloody stump as far away from myself as I could. I jumped up and ran towards the fireplace as fast as I could, stopping to look deeply in the mirror at the mess behind me only to find that the reflection of this place was not what I saw at all. I turned around, to where I had ran from and the room was still old, ran down and aged… seemingly abandoned with even a tea cup and saucer still resting on the table in the center of the room. I turned back towards the mirror and took another look, surly my eyes were playing tricks on me but alas, the mirror I was looking into appeared to be a window to the past. In it the wall paper was a thing of pure beauty, it was a soft light blue with golden designs swirling around making different patterns from the floor to the ceiling. There in the  center of the room I noticed a beautifully lit chandelier, crystals seemingly dripping from a golden floral arrangement mounted into the bright white ceiling. It was lit with candles and as each began to melt the trail of wax edged it’s way towards the tips of each crystal one by one. The room was empty, except for the large glass table in the center, and the small red sofa to it’s right. Directly across from the sofa sat a small velvet chair, matching stool and burning cigarette placed delicately in the large crystal ashtray. I stood there, staring into the mirror in awe. Taking in every wonderful detail of the room, the large floor to ceiling windows that lined the south side of the wall, but not interrupting the gorgeous flow of gold flake on the perfect wallpaper, it only joined it making the frame of the window a part of the art itself. Each Window outlined with what appeared to be the most amazing gold I had ever seen. Just then the door at the opposite end of the room from the fireplace flew open and he stood there smiling at me with his light brown eyes. A shiver ran down my spine as I turned to face him, I didn’t want my back to the man I knew what he was capable of. To my surprise though, he wasn’t there, just the chair, the table with the tea cup and saucer and years of dust and broken glass lie strewn across the wooden floors. “You can’t run”, he said in a soft almost angelic tone, “I can be anywhere you go, even if you can’t see me”. I turned my back to the room of the past and examined his face in the mirror, he was closer now, just behind me. Leaning his head down slowly all the while never breaking eye contact he placed his lips upon my shoulder and left a warm soft kiss that as his lips left my skin burned like hell. I gasp for air and grab for the burn as if my touch will make it feel better and as my hand reaches the place his lips just left appeared a huge blister that once my hand reached it, shot pain through my arm so badly, I dropped to my knees in tears. Before me the once cold, dark fireplace roared to life as if it had been burning the entire time. The flames licking the white marble as they reached towards the sky up into the darkened flute. Still on my knees reeling from the pain in my left shoulder, left by the devils kiss I tried to steady myself but to no avail. Immediately, he pulled me to my feet, spun me around to face the mirror again and said “It won’t hurt forever Dear, once you give me what I came here for, you can go back to your pointless life, in that pointless town with the rest of those pointless creatures you call friends and family”. I clinched my jaw tight, knowing he could take my life, my breath at any moment but he will never find her or the necklace. With a smile that showed his freshly bleached teeth wrapped softly with his welcoming lips he placed his check against mine. The heat coming from his face began to make me sweat and just then he grabbed the back of my hair and slammed my face into the cold white marble.

Dreams. Pt. 2

Still seated opposite of the woman with the bright hair and eyes she never breaks her gaze. She knows me, and every piece of my being. Who I was, who I am and who I will become in this lifetime. With a slight nod she gestures to my left. Looking down I see his hand on mine. Kind, soft hands twice the size of my own playing with a small piece of ribbon. Tying it first into a knot then into a bow and holding it out in front of him for the young chocolate eyed girl to pull on, only to undo the entire thing and start again. He isn’t a small man in stature, he’s quiet, reserved, olive complexion with dark brown eyes and short soft brown hair. He doesn’t break eye contact with the small girl across from him, smiling and laughing at her they exchange words that I cannot understand. With a swift motion of her hand the woman at the end of the table takes me to a place that I have never seen before. Here, in this place I am surrounded by bars, ankles chained to them in a seemingly endless tangle of iron. There in front of me stands the man that was seated to my left, the tall, heavier man with the kindest brown eyes I have ever seen. He stares back at me in adoration, pure undying love and within me I cannot find reason for this. He does not speak, he only takes my hand in his, opens it and with his other hand places a piece of ribbon into my palm. I look down in total confusion to see a key tied to the end of that ribbon. This key, isn’t of any material I have ever seen before. It is beautiful, amazing. I look up to ask the man “what is this?” but he is gone, I am still here, surrounded in chains behind harsh, thick bars of steel. I glance back to the key in my hand, around it the soft pale ribbon made of the softest material ever to touch my skin. With my other hand I pick up the key- at first appearing a translucent purple, now with the soft light bouncing off of it, appears to be blue, and then pink and then translucent purple again. It appears to be glass, a key made of glass? Making no sense what so ever I slump to the ground with the ridged clank of metal surrounding me when I realize, the only lock on my chains appears to match the key in which I hold in my very own hand.

Heart Vs. Brains

From the moment we form a cell through the entire process of our lives it appears that our hearts is forever in search of the brain and the brain in search of the heart. The two rarely see ‘eye to eye’ or think on the same ‘page’ yet everyone tells you to refer to one or the other to make emotional life decisions. So the question here is, which is really the one to follow?

Dreams

I dream of a place where my heart still dwells there among spirits trapped in time. Every dream it’s the same place, with slightly different details. The people I know and grew to love each hidden away in their own little shop, always there to greet me with a smile when I stroll down the streets. I only see the ones I grew to love and cherish as true friends there, simply amazing how they are ever the same upon my return no matter how long it takes for me to make my way back into that dream. The dream, of course is better than the reality. In one small café every person I’ve ever loved sitting at a long banquet table, all smiling and laughing, sharing wine and great stories of their lives. Somehow this particular café doesn’t exist in the real town, but every time I visit the dream it becomes the meeting point of emotion. She is always seated at the far end of the table, her hair long and soft as it was in life. The light hits her face as if she is transparent yet the heavy glow of her long locks seem blinding in comparison to the others around the table. She never speaks. Seated at the table I find the greatest loves of my life, the FEW men that have ever touched my heart and burrowed a place in my soul, all with piercing blue eyes and flawless smiles. My heart flickers when I see them peering at me. One, seated next to a childhood version of myself appears to be still caring for me, chained at the wrist with the innocence lost so many years ago, in the days when your first date meant the world, when ‘what your mother thought’ didn’t matter and a curfew was the most annoying thing in the world. There he is, still beautiful inside and out a grown man now. Years of pain show in the glimmer of his baby blue eyes and lightly thinning blond hair. He is the man she always said he would be, my mother… funny how she loved him so. His hands, weathered yet still soft as they help the youthful version of myself piece back together a broken heart that lay bleeding on the plate before me. He glances back at me, and upon eye contact I feel every word he has to say, I remember just years ago making the drive just to see him for what seemed like five minutes. Two days went so fast in a city that smelled of trash, petro and sand. In him, in the one soul that still penetrates the very being of the ‘real’ me, I carry him closely. The pain he caused all those years ago before the choice of college even crossed my mind, the man I came to know again in life once I had realized who I really was and again the man I still hold so dear. He whispers something to me, that I cannot understand and exits the room with the young long haired blond that used to be me. Across from their empty seats is a man draped in darkness, I know him because of his eyes and the sound of his voice when he speaks. He is captivating, my eyes slam shut and my memory finds me in a cemetery. It is an autumn afternoon, the smell of freshly cut grass and decayed flowers linger in the air. We sit in silence, our fingers intertwined. His hands so soft and nearly feminine in comparison to mine, I found him magnificent. THIS moment, the one before the truth came out, the moment when everything was still reality and the thought that I found my soul mate resonated in the air is quickly whipped away with the harsh reality that lies never stay buried, they come out like the dead and scare the life right out of you. After that day he was never the same to me, but in this memory, he is still perfect and that is where he stays, locked up in the dark shadow to hide him from the world and remind myself that it was all just that, a lie.

It isn’t just the past love I had felt seated at this table, it is the future as well. A young girl with chocolate eyes and intelligence beyond her years sits with a meek smile to my right. When she looks up at me I feel the light again, the one that used to be over my right shoulder in reality is now seated within this small person at the table with all of these emotions. She, herself is an emotion… raw, innocent and unscathed by life this far. My overbearing urge to protect her grows stronger with every moment I take to examine her perfect features. She is amazing, she is painful, she is mine. The woman at the end with the bright light still silent as she watches my reaction from one person to another as if some sick episode of Christmas Past, her silence is daunting and the look in her eye says something, but what I cannot figure out.

Becoming- By Bambi Hill

Standing at a cross road
with my eyes toward the sky
wondering which way to go
and also asking why

each road appears to lead me
into a brand new place
behind me the road itself
seems to disappear without a trace

the good, they bad the ugly
no longer exist here
all smiles and happy thoughts
begin to replace my fear

slowly walking forward
i find a confidence
that i had thought i lost
when i put up this fence

still guarded in a safety net
i open up a bit
to see that now the path for me
has been sufficiently lit

I take a moment to thank you
for what you left behind
for making me a woman
with such an open mind

i miss you very much you see
but that i cannot show
as much as you have helped me
learn how to 'just let go'

and so, i look away from you
back towards this path of mine
leaving you in heaven now
because i know you're now just fine

don't worry though i know you're there
still watching over me
you helped me form the life i have
and who I'm supposed to be

The Meadow- By Alicia Goranson

*I found the blog of Alicia G. (also known as Becky I in the sitcom Rosanne - i loved that show) and began reading her poems on her blog (http://www.aliciagoranson.blogspot.com/) I really enjoyed them, and then i found this one and LOVED IT :) Fitting for the movie and myself...


The Meadow


As Bambi's mother


Led her fawn

Onto the meadow

And was gone,





So I was shown,

And, thus, exposed

To pastures where

Foreboding bodes.





Without the trees

That hide the sun,

The vast expanse

Belied the gun.





For when the shot

Shattered the calm,

The earth became

A maelstrom.





The moment's shock,

The past forgot,

I ran to where

I had been not.





In foreign forests,

Overgrown,

I realized

I was alone.





And in the absence

Of my mother,

The canopy,

My only cover,





The meadow, then,

Proposed a test

Of fortitude

And mindfulness.





While I still graze

Beyond the grove,

The hand recalls

The burning stove.

Day 20 of this diet and exercise routine/resolution and I am so proud to say that this has been a full on success! To my knowledge I've never set a resolution nor given much thought to sticking with something that I promised myself for the 'New Year' but I did it this year and I have stuck to it. They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit so here's to good habits!

Winter is here, and as much as I despise the bitter cold weather and grey skies, we have been 'blessed' this year with very few super cold days and NO winter weather as of yet. Typically I would rejoice however I only see this as a really scary sign from Mother Nature. Either there is a storm coming in February and March or Global Warming is just showing it's ugly head and though it is likely both, it scares the hell out of me. I truly love and value nature, even if I do not enjoy some of the things that come along with it, it is just part of what makes life so neat to experience. Like the roller coaster of life, so are the seasons. The winter is dull and sad only to lead us by the hand into beautiful spring and summer with sun and laughter. The thought of the affects that Global Warming has had on this planet are terrifying to me.

While watching Planet Earth last night, which by the way to me is like meditation and education mixed into one full hour of amazing footage, beautiful music and creatures that take my breath away. Last night was the Ocean, or part of it. While watching the segment about how a full on microscopic 'world' so to speak is thriving one moment from the very depths of the ocean, a shift in the earths plates can cause that small world to disappear in almost no time, taking from that particular world the energy and food (bacteria) that it was living on and transferring that energy to another part of the Ocean floor. How quickly that tiny world died. The scary part was when I started to compare our world to that of the the one on the Ocean floor. Our world seems so large to us, but in the scope of things we are but a speck in the mass universe of who knows how many other 'worlds' that we are unaware. Maybe the thought of how quickly our life forces could be taken away was really what scared me, but also how we treat our planet is heart breaking.

Like some kind of virus though, we have our share of horrible 'humans' too if they even deserve such a title. All species have a 'bad seed' but I saw one of ours on TV last night that really got under my skin. I dislike politics in general. No matter how hard I tried to study to find which 'party' I should belong too, the more I realized that neither Democratic OR Republican fit the bill for me. They both have good and bad aspects and seemingly the bad always outweigh the good. Then last night Randall Terry showed his scary face on the news and I sat there staring in disgust. I don't care what your views are on abortion, you stand by them if you believe one way or the other but this man is a lunatic! Not only had he switched from his long time stand of Republican to now be a Democrat because he is, and I quote 'on a mission to take votes from Obama' and wants to make abortion the number one issue in congress. WTF?? Really? of all things, Abortion should be our number one concern? Our damn country is swirling the drain and this man thinks putting images of dismembered babies on the Superbowl commercial is going to solve, what?? This is just one more reason I despise politics, politicians... I know without a government that no doubt we would rip one another up, it's proven time and time again with natural disasters. Instead of banning together to help one another we see people looting, killing one another in mass chaos. Why can't we take a lesson from the Japanese and HELP one another??? I love America and I love the freedoms we have here but it is people like this who make my skin crawl and anger boil. The last thing I need is my child to see torn up babies on national television. I am just disgusted!

to end this post on a much lighter note though it is FRIDAY, and for a short work week it has been awfully long week and I am so excited to get out of town with great friends this weekend and head to Eureka Springs, where a piece of my heart still dwells.

Wishing you all Peace and Love and for a very safe and happy Weekend-
Namaste!

Friday the 13th

A week ago today I got horrible news about a person that played a larger roll in my life than most people probably knew. I realize it was the only way communication could be given to me at this point but finding out that a good friend shot himself in the head over a text message isn't really ideal. I haven't had that breathless feeling since my mom did the same thing 8 years ago.

Suicide is selfish. The ONLY time I believe it is OK to take your own life is when you are so ill you are dying... like my mother. I understood her reasoning and why she didn't want to die in a hospital bed hooked up to machines. For the life of me though, when I heard the news about my dear friend Ron it was as if I was hit by a bus, then ran over by a train, dragged by a horse then a fire was set in my heart and it felt as if I was literally in the middle of a heart attack.

Ron left behind a lot of people who loved him, children my age and a community who cherished the fact he was a part of it. Every week I talked to Ron a few times off and on but our main conversations took place on Sundays before, during and after the Cowboys games. Sharing a passion for the same team that year after year let us down was sort of an immediate ticket to friendship I guess. He lost his brother Dave last August to cancer, Dave was an amazing man too. He was so ill, it was almost a blessing when he finally passed to know that he was no longer suffering in the shell of a body that was the Dave I'd come to know & love. His mind vibrate and his body withering in pain and sickness it was hard to see. Ron didn't leave a note, nothing to explain to his children why or what was going on in his life. So the questions bouncing through every ones minds Tuesday at the memorial were obvious. It was like watching sad zombies file into church pews. Was it out of grief for missing his brother? Was it financial distress? WHAT was the reason for this horrible act of bullshit? I'm angry, for his kids... for myself... I'm fucking PISSED and sad and my heart hurts terribly.

I wish I could report that this year has really been awesome but the truth is I am having a really hard time finding the good and trust that I AM LOOKING! Day in and day out though, I go to work, I go home and clean, cook, do laundry etc etc etc... every day. I wouldn't mind if it were still just myself in the house and Jaida of course... but it's not. There are three of us in that house yet only one of us does anything and you know what, I feel like I am nothing other than the personal maid and chef for the people in my home. My Family... but isn't family supposed to join together, make a kind of 'team effort'? Maybe I am just too anal about stuff but you know what, I liked living alone. That way, whatever mess was there, I caused and I never had more than one load of laundry or dishes a week. Now, I do at least one a day. WTF?!?!

I am not a negative person. I never have been and don't plan to become one now... however right now, if i could crawl inside a cave and sleep for a month only to wake up to sun, spring and beauty around me that would be ideal... or a trip to the beach so I can sink my feet into the sand, listen to the power of the ocean waves and close my eyes face to the sun I would be in heaven... if only it were that easy.

I hope your lives are well and happy. Wishing you Peace and Love in the New Year
Namaste

Another Reason Jaida is so Awesome...

She was even thinking of the Reindeer!

Ten Things I Love... and Why!

This day started off with that 'annoying' feeling, you know the one... where everything and everyone gets on your nerves. I knew today was going to be a tough one I just didn't expect what became of it. One of my best friends found out her father has cancer, in his throat. One of my little sisters had to go into the hospital because her Lupus flared up. I want to take away their pain, I really would give my life to make all the bad things affecting the ones I loved just go away... but since I can't do that and I can't trade them places to make it all better.... I figure I need to take a happy pill, put on my zen radio and turn this annoyed emotional feeling I have and pure frustration into a positive thing so I can be the best I can be when they need me. So I'm posting my first LIST in several years:

Ten Things I Love the Most and Why:

1. Jaida May- My daughter, the extension of my soul. I could never in one lifetime explain all the reasons that I love her, the things that make her so wonderful or why, but I can give one that will at least help you understand what a special person she is: This morning on her way to school she told her father of how her teacher cried in class yesterday because her dog died, and my daughter began to cry too because she felt so deeply sad for Mrs. Ross. She has my emotions and it is a blessing and a curse, she makes me so proud to have such a beautiful heart.

2. My Boss- Because most people can't say that and I truly have one of the best. I am treated like a piece of shit by 90% of the people I work with and it hurts, a lot... but knowing I work for their boss, MY boss and he is a magnificent person and manager.... makes my job easier after co workers in an office three hours away send rude emails every chance they get, MY BOSS treats me with respect and in the end he's the only one who matters here.

3. Nature- I feel so at home when I am in Nature. Camping, Kayaking, strolling through the woods, listening to a river or the wind blowing through the trees. The rain, in the summer when it is still warm and touches your skin like a thousand tiny fingers. The Ocean, the power it projects and the energy it puts out. The Sun- The wonderful life it gives me and the warmth of it on my skin. The mountains the mysterious secrets they hold and the beauty they portray in such a hard cold world.

4. Friends- Because the ones that are TRUE, and I can count those on one hand, have been there to pick me up when I felt that I couldn't go on any longer. They hold me when I cry, or try to make me laugh, remind me of the past and prompt me towards the future. They offer their love and support and expect nothing back in return, they've stood by me through decisions, good and bad and held my hand when I needed the extra strength.

5. Animals- I can't imagine a life without them around me in all shapes and forms, it would be lonely and boring.

6. Music- I truly cannot live without music. When I write, like now, I listen to ZEN, or piano lyric less tones that create stories in my mind. I love all genres - it can set a mood no matter what mood it may be you aim for. I truly Cherish every form of music and listen to nearly all of it on a daily basis.

7. Family- The ones I stay in touch with, even the ones I've not talked to in far too long. The relationships that have withheld the test of time, the ones lost through Petty religious differences, the ones that live far away and the ones I hear from frequently. In some small way they've all formed me, who I am. I love them forever no matter the circumstances.

8. Laughing- I love to laugh, and make people laugh. It is one of the most wonderful sounds and feelings to truly laugh, from your gut, your soul and your heart. To smile can change someones entire day.

9. Life- because even though it's been a really tough one this far, it has had many many wonderful things in it. Tough times= lessons... good times= appreciation. I am truly thankful for my life and look forward to the rest of it, day by day, hour by hour the good and the bad. I hope to die as happy as my happiest day.

10. Lastly- Myself: Because without first loving yourself you aren't free to love others. Even through the dark hours of my life my love for others never went away, but my self worth went lifeless. I do love myself. I see a lot of great things that others may or may not see. I might be hard on myself but it's because i strive to be the best for those around me. I am strong when others need me and that is one of my greatest values. I am working on truly loving myself like I deserve but until then, I will continue building on the foundation already laid before me.

Until Next Post- Namaste my friends... wishing you all Peace & Love.

Bring It ON!



Though my blogging has become less, even the book I have been so hell bent to finish writing set aside, I am not sure my issue is actually 'writers block' as much as it is just life getting in the way. It's funny, one minute you know yourself, inside and out and within weeks you are upside down trying to figure out how your head got so far up your own ass.

2011 was hard, but so was 2010... and I am making the decision right NOW that 2012 has no chance of being a bad year for me, I refuse to let it happen. In the past two years I have had to leave the one town, the one house I felt truly at home (Arkansas... Eureka Springs) The one place I felt like being me, and being different actually was accepted (no I am NOT gay, I just see the world WAY differently than people in the conventional world and there It was OK to speak it here in MO, not so much without someone telling you that you're going to hell for practicing Buddhism or saying that Jesus is just a man like Buddha, Not a god just a teacher and a great man... nothing more... that's how I feel!!! I'm NOT sorry!).... when I left, I came back to a place where everyone knows me, knew my parents, whisperer's about how my mom died,  watched me grow up, blah blah blah and I had this heavy feeling that I couldn't be who I found out I really was. It isn't like I had anything to hide, I just worried too much HERE that people would judge me, daily. You know what, They have, and they will continue to do so, but the truth is they did it to me when I was in Eureka too. Why it took me 31 years to figure out that no matter where you go, how comfortable you feel there or happy you are, there will and have always been people who will judge you and do everything in their power to push you face down in the mud only to pull you back out just before you drown so they can see the fear on your face.

Fuck them, feed em beans, they're gassed up if they think they're stopping me! I'ma be what i set out to be :) Thanks Em for that little line :) *Eminem*

So anyways, it's a new year, another start to another new beginning. With the end of the world looming less than a year away (insert major sarcasm here) I figure it's time to make some REAL changes, get myself back on the track I was on WHEN I WAS IN THE HAPPIEST PLACE OF MY LIFE... just because I don't have that beautiful house anymore, or live in the one place I THOUGHT made me whole doesn't mean I am not. The Buddha teaches us that we are what we think.... and when shit slid downhill I let my thoughts take me there too. No more of that! I am climbing that hill again and not a damn thing will stand in my way!

I've started working out again, and realized how wonderful it feels to literally SEE the energy flow back into my body. I started meditating again, and connecting my mind to my body through both exercises and prayer have really made a difference. No big surprise I know, but it's a step forward out of a really dark place that I was in. It's scary to admit it when we are in that place. The one where we would rather sleep 12 hours of the day than face ANYONE, even our loved ones. The place where things that used to make us laugh, annoy us and the feelings we had towards things we once loved we turn into hate because we are too lazy or scared to FEEL it anymore. FUCK THAT! That's not who I am, That's not who I want to be! Sure, we all have shitty things happen to us in life, maybe some of us more than others but it's HOW we deal with it, i just have to keep reminding myself! The thing is, nobody else can do it for us, they can help... I can say, encouraging words have done wonders for me, compliments from people I had no idea gave a rats ass, those bring us a long ways but in the end it is ourselves who have to make the final step and say that is enough! Life might have won this battle (the past two years) but I'm going to fucking WIN this war and there is nothing that will stand in my way.

So here is to 2012- The beginning of greatness, the end of darkness and the discovery of the light once distinguished, it was always there... it was just barley glowing.

Peace and Love my Friends, may this new year be the one to bring you to new levels of life as well!

Namaste!